Chapter Thirty-Three
Lilac
Irvin puffs on his vape, sitting with his legs stretched out in the library nook he built for me in the bedroom.
He stares at the rain-smeared window. I study his every move like a hawk.
His facial expression is relaxed, carefree.
His sage eyes glow in the darkened room, and his silk hair is a rat’s nest. His jawline is sharp as knives.
I can’t believe he forced me to admit what I was feeling deep down—that he owned me. I loved the way he tied up my body, forced me to come, forced the truth out of me.
I grind my teeth and grip the blanket as hard as my hands allow.
It’s his fault that I’m stuck in this marriage.
It’s his fault for blowing up my life. I want to hate him so badly.
I do. He’s the reason my secret identity might be exposed.
He needs to apologize for what he did—for trapping me in this marriage with him. He made me feel stuck with no way out.
I toss a pillow at his head. He smiles like it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.
“You asshole!” I sit up on my knees.
The blanket falls, displaying my breasts, but I don’t care.
“You need to apologize to me,” I snap.
His eyes travel down, and he bites his lip.
“What for?”
Hot tears burn my eyes. “You took away my freedom! You took my life away from me!”
He places the vape on the dresser, stomps up to me, yanks me by the hair, and presses his soft lips to mine. I try so hard not to melt. I try so hard not to respond, not to move. My spine arches. I let out a tiny moan. He lets me go.
“I’m not apologizing for shit. I’d do it again if I could. I never claimed to be a good guy. I am what I am.”
My chest aches. I truly am married to a monster—someone who doesn’t care how his actions affect me. I’ll never forgive him for what he did.
“What are you to me, Irvin?”
He grips my cheeks, his eyes fixed on me. “Your husband. Your backbone. The person who would die protecting you.”
I bury my face in the pillow. Tears soak the fabric. “I’ll never forgive you for tricking me, Irvin.”
He smiles. “I never asked for your forgiveness.”
Lunatic. Is it possible to hate someone and want them at the same time?
He wipes away my tears. “You’re afraid to want me. Why?”
I hadn’t expected those words to come from his mouth. My knees press to my chest. I rest my chin on them. He’s right. I feel like the more I push him away, the better it would be for both of us.
I don’t know who I am anymore. This marriage has made me realize that there isn’t any escaping—no option.
I thought I could manipulate him into letting me go, but that’s not going to happen.
I thought I could use his emotions against him, but that didn’t work either.
The lie I told myself—that I don’t need Irvin, that I don’t want him—has made this marriage unbearable for both of us.
He lays me down on the bed. “You don’t have to answer the question, my princess.”
He slowly slides his hard dick inside me, stretching me. I have to get used to his size. The width. He fucks me tenderly—soft, slow. This is the first time he’s ever shown me real softness. Without manipulation. Without games.
For the first time, I see the real him.
I listen to the beat of the rain on the roof, the sound of our labored breaths. Blood rushes to my face.
Who am I? What have I become?
I admit it. I do want Irvin. I shouldn’t want him after what he did to me—after he trapped me in this marriage.
He turned me into someone I’m not. His games turned me into someone who manipulates just to gain the upper hand, and I keep losing this fight with him.
I never tried to exploit anyone’s emotions until I met him.
I don’t know myself anymore.
I’m realizing now that I’m surviving Irvin, and it was necessary to play these games with him in order to survive. Oddly, I understand Irvin—and his madness.
He finishes inside me, then flips me on top of him as I ride him slowly, tears falling freely.
I don’t know me anymore. The lie I tell myself hasn’t kept me safe. I thought I had control over my life, but I don’t.
Am I a prisoner?
My lie has caused me so much pain. I used to think I could control my life, that I was unlovable. Could I be in love with Irvin? Could this work between us?
I used to think I had to protect myself at all costs, but I’m unable to protect myself from Irvin—that’s the crazy thing.
I’ve been trying to take control of my life, and he proved me wrong.
I’m losing control slowly. I’m also aware that I’m scared of Irvin but addicted to the thrill he gives me—the high.
I’ve been lying for four years about what I want, and I’ve ended up hurting myself emotionally.
Irvin holds my hips as he bounces me up and down on his dick. Once I feel him throbbing inside me, I stay on top until I feel him soften.
“You’re right,” I finally admit.
“What are you afraid of, my sweet princess?”
Tears trickle down my cheek, and the pad of his finger wipes them away.
“That you… you will break me beyond repair,” I finally admit.
He cups my face, sweeping his thumb across my bottom lip. “I’ll bend you, but I’ll never break you.”
I feel Irvin harden inside me again. He flips me onto my back and fucks me hard and rough. The one thing I’ll probably take to my deathbed is that I enjoy him fucking me without my consent. He’s the only man I’ll allow to do that.
“Fuck, princess. I can’t get enough of you.” He pulls out. “Open wide, babe.”
I open my mouth wide and stick out my tongue. He slides his dick into my mouth, and I feel it in the back of my throat. This is what I want from him—to fuck me like he needs me. He fucks my mouth slowly, not hard. For once, I’m not fighting him. For once, I’m giving in.
This is what I want—to be owned, to let him control my body. All the times I fought him, he knew that’s what I wanted.
He owns every inch of my body.
He comes in my mouth, and I taste the salty cum on my tongue. I swallow thickly.
He flips me onto my stomach, and I push up on my knees. His tongue against my clit makes me moan loudly. He pulls away.
“Why do you think I’ll break you beyond repair when I worship the ground you walk on?”
I let out a loud moan when he slides his fingers through my folds, his tongue fucking my pussy until I come all over his mouth. It feels nice. Good. Easy.
Then I feel his dick slide into me once more. He grabs my hips and fucks me hard and slow. I feel full. This is what I want—to be fucked so good I can’t walk.
I feel him throb inside me, then he pulls out and yanks me into his arms. Both of our breaths are labored.
What happens if I stop fighting what’s between us? What happens if I stop lying to myself about what I want?
Will Irvin allow me to control him like he controls me? How much power do I have over him?
“Irvin, I want my bank account unfrozen.” My tone is low.
Soft rain taps on the roof. The room is dead quiet. The faint smell of jasmine filters through the air.
A smile spreads across his face. “Okay, princess.”
My body goes still. Is this a trap? There’s no way he’s going to keep his word.
“You’re really going to unfreeze my account?”
He lies next to me, his abs glistening with sweat. His pupils widen.
“If you wanted to run away, you would have already. You have my debit card, and I gave you one of my cars. You’re not going anywhere because, deep down, you want to be here with me. Lie to yourself all you want, princess. But we both know the truth.”
He’s right. I hate that he’s right. I had every opportunity to leave.
So why would I want to stay with someone like him?
I’m fucked up in the head.
What else can I do to see if I can control him?
“Can you make me a midnight snack? I’m hungry.”
He leans down, brushing his lips against my forehead.
“I just fed you my dick. You want more?” he jokes. “What do you want, my love?”
Warmth spreads through my chest. I grit my teeth. I don’t like his answer. Why isn’t he fighting back like I fight him?
He should have said no. I was expecting him to say no.
I shake my head. “Are you going to let me control you like a puppet?”
“Why wouldn’t I let you control me?”
I want to smack him on the chest. He has to be fucking with my mind. I’m not in the mood to play another one of his manipulation games.
“Do you like it when I boss you around?”
His gaze softens and lingers on my lips. “I don’t care if you do. I’ll do anything you want.”
I cock my eyebrow. “Anything?”
He places his palms against mine. “I don’t see you controlling me as a weakness, my love. I’m yours. I’ll do anything you say.”
Shocked by his revelation, I ball my fist. I don’t know why I’m pissed off.
I get up from the bed, head to the bathroom, twist the knob to warm water, and step into the shower.
I’ve been wrong about Irvin. He’s not who I thought he was, exactly. I thought he got off on controlling me. But he sees love as control.
I don’t know how to feel about that.