Chapter Fifty-Four
Lilac
I have to stop resisting Irvin. He has beaten me mentally in every way. I thought I had my hooks in him—but I don’t. Once again, he’s two steps ahead of me. He knew who I was the entire time and didn’t say anything. I feel like an empty shell. Lost. Confused. Torn.
We stare at each other from across the living room. I sit on the opposite end of the dark couch, and he watches me closely, not saying a word.
What is he thinking about? Probably wondering what my next move is. He said he loves me, and I believe him. He loves me in his own twisted way, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. What we have is unhealthy.
Irvin’s obsession scares me.
The difference between Emerson and Irvin is I know how Emerson’s obsession ended. He killed both my parents because he thought we could be together. I don’t know if Irvin would allow his obsession to take over like that.
My heart pounds in my chest.
I need to stop reacting to Irvin. It feeds his obsession, I realize. Maybe I can burn it out—like fire. If you feed fire air, it keeps growing. But if you take away the oxygen, it dies. Maybe it’ll do the same thing to Irvin. Maybe he’ll stop obsessing.
If I keep fighting him, it feeds him.
If I’m scared, it feeds him.
I have to play along if I want to survive.
That’s been the game all along. I need to play his game with him.
I inch closer and closer to him until I’m on his lap. I press my hand to his face, tracing my fingers along the facial hair outlining his sharp jaw. I study the tattoos on his face—the flower and the word sad. I study his sage-green eyes. So deep. So pretty. So empty.
I lean in and kiss his soft, plump lips. His warm fingers wrap around my waist, squeezing tighter. I study his expression, the way he stares at me. We watch each other, neither of us speaking, waiting for the other to make the first move.
“You can’t hide anything from me, my love.”
I nod subtly. He thinks he’s going to win. He thinks he has me exactly where he wants me. My heart aches for his touch—yearns for his affection. I’ve been addicted to the chaos for so long. I’ve been addicted to the high he gives me.
“You wanted me to think I love you, and you’re right.”
My tone is detached.
I’ve lied for so long, I might as well keep doing it. I’m going to feed his ego. He grabs my palms and kisses the inside of them. I have feelings for him. I’ve been hiding it for so long—keeping everything buried.
He told me once that I was fighting my emotions, that I was falling in love with him. He was wrong.
He made me this way. The chaos. The mind games. The manipulation.
And I didn’t have feelings for him because of those things.
I’ve had feelings for Irvin for a while now. I hate admitting it—even to myself. I want him to think he’s winning this game.
“I understand now. I understand now that your obsession is how you love me. I see it.” I kiss the bridge of his nose. “That controlling me is your way of loving me.”
He side-eyes me. “Yes. I’d give up everything for you if you asked, my love. I’m going to spend the rest of our lives loving you.”
He yanks my shirt over my head, then removes my leggings, noting that I’m not wearing any panties. I go along with it. He slides his mouth over my clit, and I study the way he grabs my hips like he’s holding on for dear life. I watch him lick me as if he’s starving.
The love in his eyes is for me, and I want to slap the shit out of him. I want to hurt him—for stirring feelings inside me.
I try to think of something else past the feel of him on me, but I scream his name as I come all over his mouth. He pulls his dick from his pants and slides slowly inside me, fucking me long and hard. I don’t resist. I want him to think I actually want him.
Just because my heart wants him doesn’t mean I have to give in to him. To give up on trying to protect myself from him.
Once he finishes inside me, he tucks himself back into his pants. I sit on his lap, resting my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“You’re mine,” he says, running his hands through my curls.
“I know. I wouldn’t want it any other way,” I lie, plastering a fake smile across my face.