43. Ash-Coated Memories
Ash-Coated Memories
Halla
There was no reason for Halla’s exhaustion.
She’d sat in the truck all day, and yet her body sagged with relief as she stretched out in her sleeping bag.
She hadn’t spent so much time with Lara since before her ill-fated visit to the Safírian Wall.
If it hadn’t been for the constant tension that twisted her intestines, Halla would have been happy for that time with her sister.
If only Kai hadn’t chosen to spend the entire day sitting in the truck bed with Darien, guarding Calder after his nectar-induced nap.
He’d said it was safer if there were two people watching Calder rather than one.
Halla couldn’t disagree; she shivered, remembering Calder’s rage upon waking, but Lara had looked at Calder with pity, not fear.
They’d made camp quickly. Masai and Anara stood guard over Calder, staunchly ignoring the other.
Larissa and Darien exchanged hushed whispers but stopped when they realized Halla was listening.
Larissa tossed for several minutes before sleep eventually overcame her, and she’d joined Darien in sleep.
Though Halla’s body was tired, her mind would not surrender to her exhaustion.
By the lack of snores to her side, Halla guessed that Kai was awake as well.
“Kai?” she whispered.
The sleeping bag crinkled as Kai turned. “Yeah?”
“Is something wrong?”
The rusting of Kai’s movements stopped. “Why?”
“I’ve hardly seen you. It feels like you’re disappearing.”
Kai chuckled. “I’ve had years of practice.”
“What do you mean?”
Kai was silent for so long Halla wondered if he’d fallen asleep. Then he moved closer. He breathed his words into her face. “Remember what I told you about my mother?”
Halla shivered as the night breeze ran along her exposed neck. “How she sold you?”
“Yes.”
“How could I forget that? I’m still mad at her for it.”
For some reason, Kai chuckled again.
“Why are you laughing at me?”
“Shhhh, Halla, you’ll wake the others. I wasn’t laughing at you. It’s just, my mother is a fierce woman. It’s funny to imagine you angry at her.”
Heat rushed to the tip of Halla’s nose. “Well, I am. I would tell her myself if I saw her.”
Kai’s humor vanished. “That would be a very bad idea.”
The tone of his voice only increased Halla’s growing suspicions. “She beat you, didn’t she?”
Kai’s silence was confirmation.
Halla scooted closer to Kai, their feet nearly touching through the sleeping bags. She lowered her voice. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.”
“My mother”—Kai’s words came out in long pauses—“was not a kind woman. I think you know that. She wasn’t thrilled to have me as a son. I was a liability. If it wasn’t for my older brother—well, I might not have lasted long enough to be sold into slavery at all.”
“Kai,” Halla breathed out. “I’m sorry. I know you said you didn’t think finding your brother was a good idea, but I’m sure that he would want to see you again.”
“Halla, my brother—” Kai stopped. Halla could hear him swallow. “He believes in the Empress whole-heartedly, like most of our people. He would die for her. He would kill for her.”
“Oh,” was all Halla could say.
“I don’t care about the Empress,” Kai hurried to add. “If I’m honest, I don’t care about the Vienám either. I don’t care who wins this war. I never have. The only person in Evrópa that I cared about was my brother. Hel’s , I didn’t even care about the gods.”
Halla heard the emphasis on the past tense of didn’t . “Did that change when we met the Norn?”
“No, I mean, they definitely affected my outlook.” A hint of Kai’s sarcasm resurfaced, easing Halla’s discomfort with its return. “I started to change before that.”
“When?”
“With you, actually.”
Halla’s eyes widened; her heart pitter-pattered. She wished so badly that she could see Kai’s face, but the darkness of the night allowed only a dim silhouette. “Me?”
“In the barracks, I’d seen so many kids come and go from that place, and they all broke.
But even after Fenris branded you, you still believed that your sister would come.
I’ve never experienced that type of belief in someone.
When I was sold, I knew my brother wouldn’t come just as much as you knew that Larissa would.
Then she came, and it wasn’t just her; she brought an entire army for you. ”
Halla was suddenly glad Kai couldn’t see her face. “I mean, it was for Perle too.”
“It was for you .” Kai’s voice quickened. “Maybe I could have just accepted that your sister loved you more than my brother loved me. But when we were in the forest and the sentries shot at us, Larissa shoved me out of the way.”
“Well, yeah. Anyone would do that—”
“No, they wouldn’t, Halla,” Kai snapped, then, as if catching himself, breathed in deeply.
“Trust me. Most people wouldn’t. Larissa didn’t even like me.
I could see it in the way she looked at me.
I was a Diamantian, a reminder of everything she lost, and she still chose to save me.
Then later, when that draugr had me, Darien stepped in.
I still don’t care about the Vienám, Halla, but I care about you, and the others too. ”
Halla clutched onto the sleeping bag, unsure why Kai’s words filled her with confusion. “Is that a bad thing?”
“I don’t want my brother to get hurt,” Kai whispered. “If the war goes to Diamant, he’ll fight. And if he fights your friends, someone will lose.”
“Just tell them who he is, Kai. They can show him that Shiko is wrong.”
“He’ll never see it that way.” Kai huffed. “The Norn said the Vienám would fail at Safír if we didn’t return. I think it’s going to be a bloody fight. What could I say to convince you to stay away from the fighting when we get there?”
Halla kicked her foot straight into Kai’s knee. Although buffered by the sleeping bags, he still grunted in discomfort.
“I guess that answers my question.”
Though Halla fumed at the question, her heart softened at Kai’s sigh. “We’ll be okay, Kai,” she whispered.
“What about what the Norn told Darien?”
“No.” Halla shook her head, her voice rising. “I don’t believe that. Like Anara said, prophecies of fate don’t always mean what we think they’ll mean, and gods don’t understand time the way we do. They wouldn’t send us to help the Vienám win at Safír just so that Darien could die.”
“Halla?” Larissa’s sleep-coated voice floated from Halla’s other side. Halla clamped her mouth shut. Larissa’s hand rubbed her back. “You okay, bebe ?”
“I’m fine,” Halla answered, not resenting the endearment like she used to. Every time Larissa used it, she heard Mamma’s and Pappa’s voices and felt a tug on her heart as if the word connected her to them.
“Go to sleep,” Larissa murmured, draping her arm over her sister.
In minutes, Larissa’s breathing evened out, signaling she’d fallen back asleep.
“Kai?” Halla whispered.
There was no answer, not even a rustle from the sleeping bag beside her.
Halla’s hand dangled out of Helga’s passenger side window.
Though it was barely past noon, the chilly air stung her fingers, a sure sign that fall had arrived.
Winter would bring long nights where the sun hardly ever made its appearance.
It was the season Halla loved most, when she would be free from her farming duties and cuddle up on the couch with Mamma’s hot chocolate while Pappa told stories.
Onkel Tucker would fall asleep next to the fire, only to be woken by his own snores.
Tears burned the back of her eyes. It was the suddenness of the pain that still surprised her.
It came from nowhere, but when it hit, her grief could nearly cripple her.
Halla chewed at the inside of her cheek and stared at the midday sun, determined that its rays would dry her tears before they had a chance to fall.
They’d crossed over the Klar?lven River hours ago, and though Halla had expected to feel something, anything, about returning to her commonwealth, there’d only been a hollow ache in the back of her throat. It didn’t feel like home. Not anymore.
“You okay?” Lara asked.
Halla breathed in slowly until her chest nearly burst from the pressure. “It feels weird.”
“What does?”
“Coming back.”
“I know.” Larissa’s voice caught.
“I wonder if Mamma ever wanted to visit Perle.” Halla sank into her seat, thinking over what the Norn had revealed.
If the Empress had never attacked, would Halla have grown up in Perle?
Would she have admired Princess Lovisa from afar?
But even as she considered the alternative life she might have lived, Halla rejected it.
She’d much rather be an illegal second-born with Larissa than an aristocratic daughter without her.
“Lara, what will you do when you reclaim Safír?” Halla asked.
Larissa spared her a curious glance. “That’s not really up to me. It’s Torsten’s kingdom, and Darien’s; it’ll be up to them. Torsten will probably imprison those who fight against him.” Larissa’s voice darkened. “Soon, we’ll be holding as many people captive as Shiko.”
Halla pulled her knees to her chest. “Like Saessae.”
“I’m sorry about Saessae. We’ll go back to Perle after things are settled in Safír and check on her, okay?”
“Really?” The ache in Halla’s chest lightened at the thought.
“Really.” Larissa smiled. “We have to start convincing the aristocratic families that we’re not the enemy. It’ll be a change, but starting small is the right step.”
Sensing her opening, Halla took the chance. “So you’d be willing to forgive anyone who serves Shiko if they surrender, right?”
Larissa frowned. “Of course.”
“But what if they don’t surrender?”
Larissa glanced at Halla from the corner of her eye. Halla squirmed under her inspection. “What are you getting at, Halla?”
Halla nearly mentioned Kai and his brother but stopped herself. It wasn’t her secret to tell. “What will you do with Calder?”