10. Kassian
Chapter ten
Kassian
Tuesday, November 21, 2023
W e haven't spoken since Sunday, but I can't take it anymore. I've learned how to manage; getting through life without her never became easier, but I cope so nothing seems off to anyone else, but inside, I'm a wreck.
A train heading toward a dead end with no breaks.
I pace the floor of the gym, waiting for my turn on the bench as Kyle finishes his set.
Her birthday is coming up. December twelfth, she'll be twenty-eight, same as Kat and me.
Before I even know what I'm doing, I have my phone in my hand, texting her again.
What are we doing for your birthday?
"You done dicking around or need to send another text?" Kyle asks me in a mocking tone.
I grunt and head toward the bar to finish my workout.
***
It's been hours since I texted her. I know she's working, but her lack of reply still sends me spiraling.
It's not healthy for so much of my self-worth to weigh on whether or not she answers me or pays me any mind.
I should schedule an appointment with my therapist. She's heard all about Aiyana.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I call Dr. Sanchez's office and schedule a virtual call for later this evening.
***
"I really do think you've made some great progress with this call, and I agree. It might be a good idea to start having these visits more regularly again. How do you feel about bi-weekly visits?" Dr. Sanchez asks.
I think about it, trying to make a conscious decision like we've discussed rather than just agreeing to something without any thought put into it.
"Yeah, let's start with biweekly, and if we need to move it to weekly, then we can always adjust. I'll shoot your office my hockey schedule, and you can let me know your availability." I smile at her.
"Sounds good. Enjoy the rest of your evening, Kas," she says before ending the meeting.
That was helpful. I really enjoy speaking with Dr. Sanchez because having an unbiased outward view of a situation is helpful, but so is having someone not involved in my daily life to just act as a listening ear. It's taken years of therapy after what happened with our mom, but I'm finally at a place where I'm confident I'm able to tell when I need to seek help and when I'm able to handle things on my own.
As if she knows I just got off a call discussing her, Aiyana replies to my earlier message.
Little Viper
"We" aren't doing anything.
Of course we aren't. God. I try not to deflate at the thought of not getting to spend time with her, but as I just discussed with Dr. Sanchez, I need to avoid deflecting and trying to bait her with humor.
Okay, let me know if you change your mind.
Little Viper
Really? You're not gonna try to hound me about it or make up some dumb excuse for me to go out with you? Not going to throw some surprise party in my bedroom that I have no way of avoiding?
Nope. I'm working on giving you the space you need even if it's killing me not to see you.
Little Viper
Kas…
Little Viper
You know this isn't about what either of us want. It'll just be too awkward with Kat.
I know that's what you keep saying, but I'm not buying it. Kat practically glows when she sees us together. I think she'd be thrilled to have her best friend and her brother dating.
Little Viper
I think you see what you want to see.
Maybe so. Just let me know if things change. I've missed my little viper every day for the last five years.
Dr. Sanchez said to try open communication and vulnerability on my part. Both are things that Aiyana and I have struggled with the last few years, even though they were never an issue before she moved.