Chapter 4
A swarm of dragonflies swirled in Nell’s stomach as she pulled up the florist van in front of Ben’s house. And it was natural to be nervous, because an intimidating, scowly man who’d given her two thousand dollars on a whim would be delivering flowers with her today. Maybe all week.
She’d had to sit down when Amy had told her about Ben’s huge flower order, and the amount of her commission.
Amy had been overjoyed at the large sale for the shop. She’d actually smiled at Nell and thanked her for making the sale. Then her face had taken on a knowing look.
“Sounds like this Dr. Ben has a thing for you,” she’d said.
Nell had denied it to her boss, but of course, no one gave a gift that big for no reason. So she’d gone to his house to clear it up. She’d gone there intending to tell Ben he had it all wrong if he expected a date in return for his money. She’d half expected to throw the money in his face and be back at square one with this month’s financial crisis.
But she did need that money. It would save her ass this month, and probably next month, too.
So instead of cutting things off with Ben, she’d gotten herself further involved in … whatever this was. When he’d half-suggested he could come with her on her deliveries, she’d jumped on the chance. It was a way to pay him back, to not be in his debt. Her company was one thing she could offer in exchange for the huge favor he’d done her.
And he did need help. She’d seen it for herself. Some plants needed a bit more attention to grow, and the same was true of people. And she could never resist a dying plant.
Mom had always said when you were having a hard time, helping someone else out was one of the best ways to feel better. Nell couldn’t change her own situation, but maybe she could do something small to change Ben’s.
She could drive him around on a few errands this week, accept his money without any guilt, and maybe help him with his panic attacks in the process. A win-win exchange. He’d take her help and go on with his life, like everyone did, leaving her to figure out how she’d survive next month.
She’d stopped by her landlord’s office this morning and given him her entire coffee shop paycheck, plus Ben’s tip from the other day. She’d start worrying about next month’s rent later.
But today, the sun was shining, she had a van full of rioting blooms and greenery, and no bills hanging over her head. Today was a good day, and even if Ben scowled at her the whole time, she would be helpful and cheerful. That was how she would pay him back.
Still, her stomach swooped again when he opened the door. He wore a navy suit today, but he hadn’t put on the jacket yet. His crisp white shirt was rolled up to the elbows, revealing the roped muscles of his forearms.
Doctors weren’t supposed to have muscles like that, and they weren’t supposed to smell nice, like bay leaves and cedar. In an office, or another setting, she might have felt intimidated by the perfection of his appearance.
He was just a person, though. A person who might be very nervous about today.
She turned her gaze upward and gave him a big smile. “Good morning.”
“Good morning.” Ben stood frozen in the doorway, his posture stiff.
She’d started to understand that what seemed like formality in his manners was at least partly anxiety. His spine was too rigid, his hand gripping the doorknob as if it was the only thing holding him up.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked, keeping her tone light and easy.
“Almost. I need my shoes.” He turned on his heel and went back inside, without inviting her in. Nell followed, shutting the door behind her.
A man who was always as dressed-up as Ben wouldn’t forget to put on his shoes, or his jacket. Was he stalling for time? The thought softened her further.
Now fully inside his house, she scanned the room. She’d known he lived in a lot nicer part of town than she did, but the difference between their homes was stark. His kitchen was moodboard-perfect, with gleaming stainless appliances and granite countertops. The ficus and the daffodils still stood on the counter, the only splash of color in the place.
She peered into the living room. The open space was decorated in a minimalist style, with beige and white furniture and simple modern artwork with geometric designs on the walls. No family photos here, but maybe those were in another room.
Ben sat on the couch tying his shoes, and watching him swiftly deal with the laces felt oddly personal. He stood and shrugged on his suit jacket, then crossed over to a side table and slid his keys and wallet into the pockets of the suit.
Here in his own space, he was confident and put together, moving easily with no sign of anxiety. This must be what he was like in his normal life, in his work. A man in charge of his surroundings. A man people would look at and admire.
She shifted her eyes away so she could stop admiring him. Because he wasn’t just what he looked like. He was dealing with his own problems, like everyone else did.
“Oh. You have a rock collection,” she said, her gaze landing on the colorful display on the wall. Rows of shelves by the fireplace displayed crystals and rocks, most unidentifiable from across the room. A rose quartz, maybe, and something purple.
“They’re not gemstones. None of them has much value, other than sentimental.” He turned toward her, patting down his pockets as if to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.
“Where did you get them?”
“Some of them I found outside. Others I bought at rock and mineral shows. I used to collect them—” He shook his head, cutting himself off. “I think I’m ready to go. Or as ready as I will be.”
Nell tamped down her curiosity and pulled her phone out of her pocket.
“I’ve got the delivery list ready to go. It looks like Beverly Jackson is about to get a pot of hydrangeas.”
“Beverly?” His brow creased. “I had no idea she lived near me.”
“She lives a couple blocks away. And she’s going to love these flowers. We’ll try the one errand, and see how it goes, like you said the other day.”
Nell made her voice as bright and encouraging as possible, because Ben’s expression right now looked a lot like Marco’s before he vomited.
Ben was silent for a long minute. “I think riding in the car won’t be so bad for me. The hard part will be getting from the door to the van. I’m not good with the … With open spaces.” He winced, as if the admission cost him.
“If it doesn’t work out, I’ll walk you right back inside. I won’t leave you alone, I promise.”
Ben met her gaze, seeming to steady himself. “All right. Let’s go.”
They walked to the front door, and beside her, Ben tensed up.
She paused with her hand on the doorknob. “Just walking to the van.”
Ben drew in a breath. “Just to the van. I can’t believe I agreed to this.”
“Will it help if we walk fast?” she asked.
“I think so. Let’s try that.”
Nell nodded, opened the door, and stepped outside. Ben followed her onto the porch, locking the door behind him. His chest rose and fell, already faster than it had been a minute ago.
On instinct, Nell looped her arm through his, linking them together at the crook of his elbow. He startled, then curled his arm up, keeping their arms locked. He shook his head, as if he regretted needing the help.
“Together?” She smiled up at him.
He gave a tight nod, and took his first steps away from the house. They hurried across the porch, then took the four steps down to the front yard.
“You’ve got this. A few more feet down the sidewalk, and we’re in the van.” His arm shook where it threaded through hers, but he propelled himself forward. His legs were a lot longer than hers, and she hurried to keep up.
“Almost there.” She clicked the key fob to unlock the van and opened the passenger door for him. He launched himself into the seat and slammed the door shut.
Nell jogged around to the driver’s side and opened her own door. She slid into the seat and looked across at him.
Ben rested a shaking hand on his brow. Maybe she’d pushed too far, and it had been too much. Maybe he was having a panic attack right now.
“We can go back inside. If you need to, that’s fine. I’ll walk you right back,” she offered.
He didn’t say anything.
“Ben? I need to know if you’re okay. Was that too much? I’m sorry if it was. We can always try it again some other time.”
After what felt like an hour, he lifted his head. A tiny smile curled the corner of his mouth.
“I did it,” he said, his voice shocked.
Nell couldn’t help the huge grin that took over her face. “You did.”
“I’m not going back inside.” He lifted his chin. “That was the hardest part, and the rest will be easier.” He said it with authority, as if trying to convince himself the words were true.
“Okay.” She started the ignition, the smile still stuck on her face. “Driving won’t bother you? You’re really okay in here?”
“I think I am.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t quite believe it.”
“Then let’s go to Beverly’s house.” She put the van in drive and pulled away from the curb.
Ben took up a lot of space in the van, and sitting this close to him, she could feel the tension in his body, and the warmth. His aftershave scent mingled with the damp greenery and flowers in the van.
“How did you end up delivering flowers? Did you always want to be a florist?” he asked.
She gave a quick glance in his direction. Other than his death grip on the door frame, he was looking straight ahead out the windshield. He probably needed conversation to distract him from the fact they were picking up speed, turning onto a larger street.
She gave a little laugh. “Nope. This wasn’t the original plan. But life threw me a few curveballs and here I am.”
“What did you want to do before? If you don’t mind my asking.”
“I was in a degree program for horticulture at the university. I was the first person in my family to go to college. My mom was so proud. She died of cancer when I was in my third year.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”
She felt Ben’s gaze on the side of her face. As usual, he had a way of listening that made her want to talk more. He didn’t judge. He understood all the ways life got complicated.
She took a deep breath and went on. “Anyway, my plan in college was to start a landscape design business. But I dropped out to get married a few months after Mom died. That changed everything for me, made me question everything. I only had a year left before graduation, too. At the time, I thought I could finish school later, but …”
“Other things happened?” he supplied.
“Right. I ended up on my own with a kid. A single mom, like my mom was. I never thought I’d be like her, but history repeated itself there.”
“That must have been hard.”
Ben didn’t ask where Marco’s dad was, like so many people did. He just listened, and him being a good listener was very dangerous, because there were a lot of things about her marriage she’d never told anyone, and she didn’t intend to start now.
After this week, she’d never see him again, and she wasn’t about to expose all her inner hurts to another person guaranteed to disappear from her life.
“It was hard,” she said lightly. “But I’m doing fine.”
She kept her hands at ten and two on the wheel as she navigated the rest of the way to their stop.
* * *
Ben’s patient was thrilled with her new flower arrangement. When the older Black woman answered the door, her first expression had been confusion, which transformed into delight when she saw the sender’s name on the card.
“Oh, this is so beautiful.” Beverly turned the flower pot one way and then the other, admiring the deep indigo blooms from different angles. “And they’re from Dr. Friedman. How thoughtful of him.”
“Yes, I’m out delivering a big order from him today.”
“I’m not surprised he did this. He’s an amazing doctor. I’ll definitely send him a thank you note, because these made my day.”
“Flowers will do that, won’t they?” Nell gave the woman a warm smile.
“You’re absolutely right.”
Beverly squinted over Nell’s shoulder, across her driveway at the parked van.
“Is that Dr. Friedman in the car with you?” she asked, her voice filled with confusion. “It’s hard to see with the reflection on the windows. But I thought I saw someone who looks like him in the front seat.”
Nell froze, unsure if Ben would want his patients to know he was here with her. She hadn’t asked him about this part.
She gave a nervous laugh. “Just a friend of mine who came along with me. The glare is really bright out this time of day.”
“Of course.” Beverly gave another long look at the van, as if trying to see past the glare. “Well. Thank you again, my dear.”
“Have a wonderful day.”
Nell jogged down the steps and climbed back into the van. Ben was staring out the windshield with a strange expression on his face.
“She loved the flowers,” Nell told him.
“I’m glad.” His jaw ticked. “She saw me, didn’t she?”
“She couldn’t see very much past the glare on the windows. But she asked if it was you. She thought she recognized you.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That I had a friend with me. I didn’t tell her who it was. I wasn’t sure if you—”
“This was a mistake.” Ben cut her off. “Why didn’t I think about the fact people were going to see me? That they’d know—”
“Know what? You wanted to send them flowers? That’s considered a nice thing to do, you know.”
He shook his head hard. “It’s unusual behavior for me. Think about it. What would a doctor be doing in a florist’s van?”
His sharp tone brought Nell’s head up. Right. His job was a lot more important than hers.
She drew her spine up straight. “I’ll take you home, then.”
“That would be best.” He set his jaw. “And I shouldn’t come with you again tomorrow. Once was enough.”
“But it helped you. You left the house, and you haven’t for a while, right?”
She couldn’t resist prodding him a little. He’d made progress today, and that was worth something.
“It did help. But I shouldn’t do it again. People might see me.”
“And that’s such a bad thing.”
“With how I am now? Yes, it is,” he snapped. He’d gone rigid in the seat next to her, hands in fists on his thighs.
“All right. We’ll head back then.” Nell backed the van out and made the turn onto the main road again. There was no point in arguing. She was here to help him, here to be cheerful, not to question him. That was their deal.
She could have helped him more, if he’d let her. But as usual, she wasn’t going to get what she wanted.
He was silent for a few minutes before speaking again. “She looked so happy. I haven’t seen her in person in a while.” He cleared his throat. “You must enjoy this part of your job. Making other people happy.”
She nodded. “That’s the best part. A lot of times, the flowers are a complete surprise to people. The looks on their faces when they get them … It’s a lot of fun. Other parts, like downtown traffic, are not so fun. And getting lost. And dropping vases.”
She tried to make a joke out of their first meeting, but he didn’t laugh.
“That could have happened to anyone,” he said.
“Yeah, well. Those kinds of things seem to happen to me a lot. Which is why I am where I am in life.”
“I don’t understand.”
He sounded genuinely confused, when it should have been obvious to anyone she was a disaster and a half.
Exasperated, Nell whipped around to face him at the stop light. “I’m careless. I drop things, I’m late all the time, and I can’t organize my bills right. I bend all the rules at work. I’m not supposed to have you in the van with me, either.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Well, now you know. I’m ninety percent chaos. That’s why I’m twenty-eight now, and working for a florist is where I’m at. Which is fine for someone like me.” She tried to keep her voice casual, but her throat closed on the last word.
“What do you mean, someone like you?” His voice sharpened.
“Someone who doesn’t have a lot of skills.” She said it lightly, but the words burned her throat. Someone who didn’t have a lot of options in life was closer to the truth.
“Why would you think that?” His gaze stayed on her as she drove the few blocks back to his house, winding through the residential area.
“It’s nothing. It’s just … It’s something I’ve learned about myself. Lots of people have told me. I’m kind of a mess. I never seem to be able to get ahead of things.”
She pulled the van up to the curb and threw it into park with more force than she’d meant to.
Kurt had told her all those things about herself, told her every day, and the words still lived inside her, coiled in the pit of her stomach. Her ex had told her not to finish college, that she wouldn’t need a job. She should rely on him to take care of the finances, because she’d never be able to keep track of it all.
He’d been right about some of it, though. Here she was, scrambling to make rent again. A more organized person wouldn’t have this issue. A better mom would have—
“Nell. Look at me.” Ben’s voice was low, commanding. She swallowed and turned slowly to meet his eyes, which were softer than she’d ever seen them, an endless deep brown well of understanding. No wonder his patients loved him so much.
“Please don’t say things like that about yourself,” he said. “I don’t know who made you believe those things, but they’re not true. You have many skills, and you can learn anything you want to. You got me out the door of my house, and no one’s done that in a month. I’m forty, and that’s where I’m at.”
Nell froze, her hands stuck in their place on the steering wheel. Something in her chest cracked open, letting out a swirl of nameless emotion. She pushed the feeling away, but it kept expanding, a giant pressure behind her ribcage.
She gave a hiccupy little laugh. “Okay. I guess I have one skill.”
“One skill among many.” Ben’s gaze was steady on her. “You know a lot about plants. You take very good care of your son. Above all, you’re a kind person who cares about other people, and that is a strength of its own. I hope you hear that. And I may need your assistance to get back inside my house, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.” Nell jumped out of the van to avoid his eyes. One more minute of their kind compassion, and she’d lose it.
The dozen steps back to his front door went by fast, much easier than the trip out to the van. He kept her arm looped in his the whole time.
All the way up to his porch, her heart beat a wild tempo, the fissure in her chest expanding. She swallowed down the emotion and made her face as neutral as she could. She couldn’t even manage a fake smile right now.
Once Ben had unlocked the door, he turned to face her, safely back inside his house. “You have more flowers to deliver tomorrow, I assume.”
“Yeah.” She looked over his shoulder, anywhere but at his face.
“Well. Good luck. And thank you for today. I’m glad to know I can manage going out for a short time, at least.” He gave her a nod of dismissal and shut the door with a click.
Nell walked back to the van at a normal pace. In the driver’s seat, she opened her delivery list and tried to make a plan of where to go next, but her thoughts were a tangle of thorns and vines. She opened her maps app, chest heaving, but the map swam in front of her eyes.
She dropped her forehead onto the steering wheel and burst into tears. The happy mask she wore most of the time fell away, and feelings rushed out, water from a broken vase. Someone had seen her, for the first time in so long. And it was a relief, and a terrible pain at the same time.
She wiped her eyes with a sleeve and pulled the van away from the curb before he looked out the window and noticed her still sitting out here. At least no one had witnessed this meltdown. She could keep this to herself, keep it together.
She didn’t drop anything, or go to any wrong addresses all day.