Chapter 19
N ell hauled a large floral centerpiece out the front door of the shop to the van. The pink and white roses smacked her in the face as she walked, and their thick, sweet scent screamed “wedding.”
Some people found the love of their lives and got engaged and married in two weeks, and some people didn’t. Some people had to carry on and take care of everything alone, and that was fine, too.
She was so tired, though. The last two weeks, doing her daily routine had felt like slogging through thick mud. Getting out of bed, driving Marco to school, going through the motions at work—all of it left her exhausted. She couldn’t shake it off and put on her usual smile as well as she had before.
She didn’t let herself think about the reason. Men were unreliable, they left you, and she should have learned that lesson and learned it well six years ago. Never assume you knew a man well enough to trust him, and never assume he had your best interests at heart.
She slammed the van door shut with more force than necessary, turned, and found Amy standing behind her, arms folded across her chest.
“Careful.” Amy nodded toward the back of the van. “I don’t think those flowers did anything to you.”
“I’m sorry. I loaded them in the back gently, I promise.”
“Sit down for a minute. Let’s chat.” Amy gestured to the bumper of the van, and they sat on the edge, feet propped on the curb.
“Is there anything going on I should know about?” Amy asked. “I’ve learned I can’t make assumptions with you. Thanks for bringing back those ferns, by the way. They look amazing.” The corner of her mouth lifted in a little smile.
Nell looked down at her sneakers. “It’s no problem. They didn’t like the pots they were in, so I switched them out and gave them time to adjust.”
“So. You’ve been pretty quiet lately.”
“I didn’t get the manager job,” Nell admitted. “The one you told me about. I applied for it, but they said I wasn’t qualified.”
Amy frowned. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about that, or encouraged you to apply. But I thought you had a good shot, for what it’s worth.”
“I guess I didn’t, after all.”
“And what about your college application? You said you might be finishing your degree this year.”
Nell planted her face in her hands. “I got the scholarship.”
“I’m sorry. Your voice was muffled, but did you just say you got a scholarship?”
She lifted her head to look at her boss. “Yes. I found out yesterday. I applied for a scholarship for students who’re the first person in their family to go to college. And I got it. Full tuition.”
“Congratulations. That’s great news.” Amy clapped her on the back.
Nell shook her head. “I can’t take it, though. I can’t go back to school now.”
“What are you talking about? You have to take it.”
“I need to find more hours to work, not less. If I enroll in even one college class, I’d have to take two mornings off a week. Some of the classes are available in the evenings, but most aren’t. And the scholarship doesn’t apply to online students. I don’t think I can pull it off. But it’s fine.”
She jumped up from the back of the van. “I’d better get going. No one wants their wedding flowers delivered late.”
“Wait.” Amy’s voice stopped her from rounding the side of the van. “Don’t turn down the scholarship yet, okay? I want to help you brainstorm some solutions. It seems like a shame to waste the opportunity.”
“You don’t have to remind me. And it’s really nice of you to want to help. I guess I need two or three of me to get everything done.” She forced out a hollow-sounding laugh. “I might be starting another part-time job next week. I have an interview after work today.”
Amy frowned. “And when were you going to tell me that?” She put a hand on her hip, exasperated. “Never mind. Look, when you get back from this delivery, come to my office. We’ll talk about this some more.”
“Okay.” Nell didn’t see the point in talking about it any more, but she agreed, to get Amy off her back.
“And there’s nothing else going on with you?” Amy squinted at her, examining her face.
Nell cut her gaze away. “No. Nothing else.”
Amy drew in a deep breath, as if reaching for patience. “All right. See you later, then.” She marched away, muttering to herself. “Stubborn, secretive …”
Well, so what if she was secretive. Not everything needed to be shared. Sharing too much of yourself was a recipe for problems.
When Nell arrived at the delivery address, the bride and groom were overjoyed with their floral arrangements. The bright happiness on their faces as they looked at one another made Nell’s chest ache. She was very careful with the floral arrangements as she unloaded them. Some plants held particular importance.
When she got back to Tillie’s Flowers, she parked the van, hung up the keys, and went to the back to look for Amy. Thirty minutes later, she emerged from Amy’s office in a daze.
“Thank you, again,” she said from the doorway.
Amy nodded curtly. “Of course. You can shut that on your way out.”
Nell made it to her car, put the key in the ignition, but didn’t start it. She sat in the parking lot, staring out the windshield.
Amy had promoted her to assistant manager and given her a raise. Enough of a raise that she could afford not to work a third job. And she would have flexible hours, to accommodate taking one college class per semester at the university.
Amy had also called her friend at the nursery. He’d agreed to interview Nell for the job in six months, after she’d completed part of her coursework toward finishing her degree.
For once, something was going her way. After years of life beating her up, she’d finally had the courage to try for something more, and it had worked out. She would finish college. It might take longer than a year, but she had a plan. Goosebumps rose on her arms.
If only she could tell Mom about this. But there was no one to share her good news with. Ben had been the one to find the scholarship and send her the information. He’d been the one to encourage her, the one who’d believed she could do it. At every step of their relationship, he’d built her up. Until that last day.
He would want to know about this. He’d called her once last week, and she’d stared at the phone in her hand as it rang and went to voicemail. He hadn’t left a message.
She tossed her phone in the cupholder and started her car. The less she thought about Ben, the better she’d feel.
And one person would be happy to hear her news, even if he didn’t entirely understand what it meant. She headed out of the parking lot and drove to Marco’s school.
* * *
That night, she took Marco out to dinner to celebrate, a rare splurge. Their favorite restaurant was a local old-fashioned diner, where Marco always ordered the same thing—a cheeseburger and french fries. The waitress brought them a pack of crayons, and Marco colored his paper placemat while he waited for dinner.
“I don’t know why you’re excited to go back to school,” he said. “Grownups are lucky because they don’t have to go to school.”
“But college is different. Grownups get to learn about things they’re excited about. Imagine if you got to go to school and only learn about dinosaurs all day.”
Marco’s eyes lit up. “That would be cool.”
“I get to learn about plants in my classes. Plus, college isn’t all day. I’ll only go to class two days a week, and only for an hour or so. I still have to work.”
“And you’ll still pick me up from school, right?” He peeled the crayon wrapper back with his fingernail.
“Of course. I’ll still do all the normal things I do with you.”
Marco’s shoulders relaxed. “That’s okay, then.”
“And when I’m done with my college classes, I’ll be able to get a better job. One that will pay more money. I could quit working at the coffee shop, and then we’d have the whole weekend together.”
“Saturday and Sunday?”
“Yep.”
Marco processed that as he filled in colors on a cartoon character. “I want to go to the park to look for rocks this weekend.”
She took a deep breath, reaching for calm. “Don’t you want to do something else? We could go see a movie. There’s a new superhero movie out this weekend.”
The last two weekends, all Marco had wanted to do was look for rocks. At least he hadn’t mentioned Ben again this week.
After Ben had left, Nell explained to Marco that he wasn’t feeling well, and they might not see him again for a while. For the first week, Marco kept asking what had happened, when they’d see Ben again, and why he’d left. After Nell gave him the same explanation over and over, he’d seemed to give up.
“I don’t like movies.” He put down the crayon and fiddled with the sugar packets on the table. “Except documentaries.”
“Or we could check out that new trampoline place. You’d like jumping.”
“No. No, thank you,” he corrected himself, shaking his head.
The waitress arrived with their dinner and set down both plates. Marco took a huge bite, chewed, and swallowed.
“My display case is almost full now. So we need to call Ben.”
Nell was so startled to hear Ben’s name after a week, it took her a moment to reply.
“What do you mean?”
“Ben said he wanted to see my collection when the case was full. So I’ve been working on filling it up, and now we have to show him.”
“Oh.” Nell covered her eyes with her hand, taking a steadying breath. According to Marco’s seven year-old logic, if he filled up the display case, he’d get to see Ben again.
She met his serious gaze. “You really want to see him again, don’t you?”
Marco nodded vigorously.
“Sweetie. I can’t promise we’ll see him again. The truth is, he said … He told me he wasn’t going to come over to our house for a while.” She couldn’t bring herself to say never. “This is not your fault at all. But he might not be able to come. I’m sure he’d love to see your rocks, if he could.”
Marco frowned. “Why won’t he come over? He likes both of us.”
Nell’s heart constricted. Damn Ben for making her have to explain this to Marco, for letting down her son as well. This was exactly what she’d wanted to avoid all along. At least Marco still didn’t know they’d been dating.
“I think he’s having some personal problems, and he didn’t feel like he could handle them right now.”
“Oh.” Marco took another bite, frowning as he chewed. “It’s because he’s shy. And nervous. I told him I’m like that at school sometimes, too.”
“So you understand why we can’t call him right now.”
“Not really.”
But Marco let the topic go while they finished their dinner.
That night, after she’d tucked him in and taken care of all her plants, Nell sat alone at her kitchen table, staring at her phone. It would be so easy to call or text Ben, to give in to the urge to find out how he was doing. Was he having more panic attacks now? Had his clinic gotten a lot of attention, following the newspaper article?
It was none of her concern anymore. And yet her heart reached out to him, as if they were tied together by a thread that had stretched thin, but not snapped. When she closed her eyes at night, she saw his glittering dark eyes, gazing at her with an emotion that had felt so real at the time.
And her feelings for him … She wouldn’t name them. She wouldn’t call it love, because if it had been love, she’d be heartbroken right now. And she was not heartbroken. She was thriving, and going back to college, and doing everything she’d forgotten she wanted to do for six long years.
If Ben loved her, he wouldn’t have left. But that’s what he’d done.
After brushing her teeth and changing into pajamas, she eyed her empty bed. She’d barely slept the last two weeks. She dragged the covers off and pulled them into Marco’s room, like she used to do, when they were first alone together. She made a nest on the floor next to his bed and curled up inside it.
Pulling the covers over her head, she tried to calm down enough to fall asleep. She hugged a pillow to her chest, but she did not pretend it was Ben. And she did not cry.