21. CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 21
Tilda
I loiter at the side of the pitch, fingers of one hand hooked around the green mesh fencing, the other holding my water bottle to my mouth. December air freezes every bit of exposed skin but I’m still feverish from hockey practice.
Nic’s still out there, slumped on a bench, one leg outstretched having her ankle poked. She twisted it pretty badly but Coach is able to turn it left and right so I don’t think anything’s broken.
Finally Coach packs up her gear and exits, leaving Nic to gingerly walk off the injury.
‘All good?’
‘All’s fucking shit,’ she snaps. But I’ve seen that look before; I’ve worn it. She’s not angry at me, not even angry at the injury, she’s scared. Scared her hockey career’s in jeopardy, all that hard work for nothing. Probably even more so knowing she got kicked off the team last year for whatever reason.
It’s the same feeling I had once I sobered up after my fall from the boat. I’d sobbed the whole day try-outs had taken place, oscillating between devastated and bitter with envy at those who made the team.
I don’t think Nic has anything to worry about. Yeah, she’s struggling but she’s still able to lumber her way towards home.
We enter the forest, the going here even more precarious. ‘Long walk back.’
‘Fuck off then. You don’t need to wait.’
I watch her struggle, reaching out for trees whenever there’s an exposed root, and can’t help my scoff. She’s never going to make it back without help. I look over my shoulder, thinking about the quad bikes. That could have been a good idea.
She runs a frustrated hand through her hair, forgetting she’s wearing a headband. She looks so different with her hair off her face like that, instead of it falling over her forehead in spikes, obscuring her features.
She seems way more vulnerable. I spot her wince and almost, almost, feel sorry for her.
By the time we’re halfway there, we’re both badly shivering.
‘Is that hurting any less?’
‘No.’
‘Alright. Lean on me. I’ll help.’
‘Absolutely not.’
‘Nic. Don’t be an asshole. You’re in pain!’
She releases a huff, looking me right in the eyes. ‘Like you’d give a fuck about that.’
‘Dude, I know how shitty leg injuries can be. Been there, done that. Come on, just let me bear some of your weight.’
‘That’s rich,’ she mutters. But she’s moving closer, sizing me up from the corner of her eye.
She’s as tall as Ryan, and just as slim. She’s warm and smells like deodorant. I hope I do too, suddenly feeling inexplicably self-conscious as she struggles to place her arm somewhere inoffensive.
‘This isn’t going to work if you don’t touch me. Just lean on me. I’m stronger than I look.’
She does so reluctantly, forearm resting on my shoulder. It’s awkward with her added weight and our two cumbersome hockey sticks. I don’t think there’s any situation we can be in where it doesn’t feel strained.
‘See? Didn’t kill you.’
‘Just walk.’
At some point she moves her arm so her fingers are gripping my shoulder. It shoots tingles down my spine every time she flexes them. This close I’m hyperaware of her, like she’s a cobra wrapped around me ready to strike.
I try to take my mind off it, thinking about the hours ahead.
‘Do you know if the others are out tonight?’
‘How should I know?’
‘Um, because they’re your best friends and they only go out on Wednesdays because we do?’
‘Then why don’t you know?’
‘My god, do you have to answer everything like some surly teenager?’
‘Unlike you, Tilda, those two aren’t my keepers and I’m not theirs.’ She turns her face to me, breath ghosting over my cheek. ‘You seem pretty under their thumb though. Their bet must be paying off.’
I fold my arms. ‘I thought you said they liked me in a real way.’
I don’t like how her words make me feel. Those girls are the only real thing I have left in my life. Am I using them or are they using me? I desperately hope it’s neither. I need them. Truly, without them I’d have nothing.
‘Yeah, it’s getting to be like that,’ Nic admits. Then she scoffs, realising she actually answered me normally. ‘Why, is that what you want? To lead them on to make yourself feel better?’
‘Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here. Not me making shitty bets. I was happy enough to just be their friend.’
Nic eyes me. ‘Was?’
‘Am. I like them. They’re good friends.’ I glare, hoping she hears my unspoken words. Because you’re not.
‘I know that a little more than you do.’
‘Then why would you tell me about the bet? Doesn’t exactly cast them in a good light. And I know it’s not because you’re looking out for me.’
‘I guess I just believe in the truth.’
I laugh at that. ‘Give over! You’re the most evasive person I know. Every time I ask for the truth of why you hate me, you just get belligerent.’
‘The truth’s staring at you in the face, Tilda. You’re just too—I don’t know, brain damaged? —to see it.’
I stare at her, her face pinched in pain, that little furrow in her forehead, and shake my head. ‘I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. What truth?’
It’s Nic’s turn to shake her head. ‘Nothing. Just fuck it. Fuck it.’
‘See, this is exactly what I mean!’ I tip my head back in frustration, a memory suddenly resurfacing from the deepest recesses of my mind. ‘You know, I visited New York years ago. We were in Brooklyn, down this kind of shady road. My stepsister found a tennis ball and we were playing with it. Then I accidentally hit it into the road, and it bounced off this dodgy as fuck car. All black with tinted windows. Then this gangster guy comes out, all ready for a fight. Just because some kid bounced a ball off his car. Literally couldn’t be reasoned with! Tried to fight my mum’s boyfriend at the time. Wasn’t until my stepsister—she was nine!—stepped in and stuck up for me. His mate had to drag him away. It was scary as hell at the time.’ I look at Nic, her face millimetres from my own. ‘Anyway, you remind me of that gangster. Hating for literally no reason, unable to be reasoned with. Small dick syndrome. You can chill, you know? Won’t kill you.’
Nic just watches me, her face unreadable. Just as I start to think she was actually listening, she asks, ‘You have a stepsister?’
‘What? No. Used to.’
‘And your mum’s not with the boyfriend anymore?’
I frown. ‘No. Not for years.’
‘Why did they break up?’
I shake my head, because why does she care? ‘Because it turns out some people are just pure evil.’
‘Also turns out some people are just fucking liars.’
She pushes me away, hastening her steps to the lodge. I know it hurts her to move that fast but it’s clear by now she excels at stubborn.
I watch her go, wondering what she meant. I run my mind over the conversation, trying to figure out if it’s me she’s accusing. Well, it’s always me she’s accusing, isn’t it? It’s more the why I’m interested in. Just like that bloody gangster, there’s nothing to back her up.
Had been a good holiday though. One I’ve not thought about in years until this moment. We’d never be able to afford such a trip, me and Mum. Getting on a plane for so long, feeling so incy wincy beneath all those towering buildings, all those lights… And of course, my little partner in crime. The sister I always wanted and the one I thought I’d never lose.
Damn. Not thought about her in a while either. Not since the last full moon anyway. Though it’s not really her, but the pain from it all. The pain that lingers on, embedded like a splinter.
Thankfully it’s Wednesday and there’s nothing better to get rid of pain than a mad night out at Vipers.
But when I get back to the lodge, it’s locked. Frustration flickers through me as I hammer on the door. Fucking Nic.
It takes a while for anyone to let me in and by that time I’m frozen to the bone and beyond pissed off.
‘Yo,’ Haz says, flicking her gaze my way as she raids the fridge.
My pissed-off-ness expands to even her as I remember the bet. I don’t doubt their affections for me are real, but did it really start out that way? Pricks. That I’m PMT’d this week only adds to the fire.
‘I’m having a bath. You’ve got five minutes to piss or you’ll have to hold it.’
‘Ooo-kay.’ Haz eyes me as she slowly closes the fridge. ‘Who wazzed in your cereal?’
I ignore her, not able to concentrate on anything other than getting warmed up. Nic is on the sofa, her stupid dumb ankle perched on a cushion. God, I want to kick it. But I’m not that mean. I’m not her.
A few hours later, I’m warm and tipsy and feeling a million times better as I walk through the doors of Vipers with Haz and Elly. Nic’s staying in tonight on account of her ankle so I don’t have to worry about her dragging me off to the Vaults. I’d be happy to never set foot there again, NDA be damned.
I buy my own drinks much to Haz’s and Elly’s disgrace. I know I’m punishing them in some subtle weird way but I’m too much of a chicken to confront them head on. What if the bet’s still going on? What if this all crumbles under my feet?
PMT gets me like that. It makes me panicky and paranoid, like the whole world hates my existence. Nic backs that up on the daily and Mum’s still hacked off that I’m not going home for Christmas and hasn’t spoken to me since. Really doesn’t take much to get me into that headspace.
Haz and Elly try to dance with me for a bit but after forsaking them for my hockey lot, they wander off to dance with some other girls.
I watch them from the corner of my eye, the sight making my insides twist up. Even though Nic’s not here, I hear her in my head. See, you are just leading them on. You don’t want them but you want them to want you. They deserve better than that.
Yeah, and so do I. It’s shit they’re betting on who gets to fuck me first. That they get to play with me just because I’m straight. Some challenge to bolster their egos.
Well, three can play at that game.
From across the dance floor, Elly smiles at me. Sweet, confident, flirty Elly.
I return it before turning away. I spot Tommy arriving with some lads, an idea forming in my head.
‘Hey,’ I call to him. ‘Wanna go smoke?’
‘I don’t smoke.’
‘Yeah, me neither.’ Grabbing his arm, I pull him into the smoking area. It’s freezing, bordered on all sides by concrete apart from the back that’s open to the elements, the forest beyond creepy in the dark.
I pull him to a stop beside a graffiti-ridden wall. ‘How drunk are you?’
‘Was getting there before you booze blocked me.’
‘Are you drunk enough to wanna do something dumb and petty with me?’
Tommy smiles, his boyish face lighting up. ‘Just about. What’s up?’
I tell him about the girls’ bet, smacking him on the arm when he tips his head back and laughs. ‘It’s not funny, dude. It’s mean and gross.’
‘Kind of is though. So, what, you want revenge or something?’
‘I want to show them that they’re barking up the wrong tree.’
‘Right, and I come into this how?’
Leaning on the wall, I bat my eyelashes. ‘You can be my right tree?’
‘Ooooh, I see.’ He nods. ‘I got ya. You want them to think we’re something?’
‘Yeah. Proper rub it in their faces. Are you in?’
‘Might be after a few more beers.’ He looks at me until I roll my eyes.
‘Fine. I’ll buy you drinks for the rest of the night as payment. That alright with you?’
‘Good enough, I reckon. How convincing do you want this?’
Shit, I hadn’t thought that far. I suppose I’ll have to actually do stuff with him if I want it to look authentic. He’s half in shadow out here, the single florescent light not doing much for his features. God knows how I look under it. I’m always better in half light.
Sipping my drink, I take him in properly, for the first time considering him in a romantical way. He’s close to pretty, his face nicely symmetrical and always looking to be on the cusp of smiling. His hair’s definitely his most unique feature, a cute mop of tight brown curls. Not as cute as Elly’s tufty ginger mess, but close enough.
I lick the drink from my lips. ‘Kiss me, please. I can’t do this with a wet fish, desperate or not.’
Tommy shakes his head. ‘This is so fucking weird.’
Straightening up from the wall, he cups my cheeks. I close my eyes as his lips descend on mine. He moves them gently, carefully, and I let him go on like that for a bit before pushing him away. ‘Alright. Adequate.’
He lets out a spluttering laugh. ‘High praise.’
I backhand him on the chest. ‘Let’s go get you your beers.’
I take his hand as we re-enter the club. Reorientating myself with Haz’s and Elly’s positions, I pull Tommy to the bar and buy him two pints.
I hope they didn’t see that. No guy worth their salt would let a girl pay for his drinks, not in their book anyway.
I down my next drink quickly, hoping to make this feel less weird. Which is odd because dancing suggestively with Haz and Elly feels like the most normal thing in the world. But with this guy, I imagine it feels like dirty dancing with a sibling.
We only kiss again one more time. Just enough to get the message across. Then, making sure they’re in view, I lean up and say into his ear, ‘Onto phase two. Ready to go back to the lodge?’
‘Uh.’ Tommy draws back, hesitancy etched on his face. ‘Doesn’t Nic live there?’
I think about Nic on the sofa. No doubt she’s still there, drinking alone and reading her books. So bloody moody. ‘Probably. Is that a problem?’
‘Potentially.’
‘Don’t be a wimp, she hates me too and I make do. We’ll just go straight to my room and have the world’s loudest sex.’
Tommy laughs. ‘Is that right? Buy me one more beer to wet my vocal cords and we can be off.’
I swing Tommy’s hand, giving him a whack when he tries to commence a thumb war. ‘Quit it,’ I hiss. ‘Stop acting pally.’
Tommy sniggers, taking a peek over his shoulder to where Haz and Elly follow at a distance, displeasure stark on their faces. I hadn’t expected the tantrum they’d thrown when I told them I was going back to the lodge with Tommy. I thought Haz was going to punch him.
Now they’re trailing us back through the forest, their intentions unclear but undoubtedly sinister.
‘I think they’re legit going to murder me,’ Tommy says, breathing out a shaky breath.
I squeeze his hand. ‘Chill. I won’t let them. What’s their issue anyway? Something to do with Nic, I’m guessing.’
‘Yeah,’ he sighs. ‘Just fucked up family stuff.’
‘What?’ I look at him, briefly forgetting about the girls prowling behind us. ‘You’re related?’
‘Cousins. Though we’ve not spoken in years.’
‘Wow.’ I bring Nic’s face up in my mind, hunting for the similarities. Apart from their hair colour, there’s none. Then again, I don’t look like any of my cousins either. ‘So why don’t you speak anymore?’
‘She fell out with my brother…kinda disowned us all.’
By the way Tommy has his head tucked, I can tell this topic discomforts him. Since he’s doing me a huge solid tonight, I don’t push despite desperately wanting to.
‘Well, you don’t have to talk to her. You don’t even have to stay the night.’
Tommy smiles, eyes sliding to me. ‘Just a booty call?’
I nod. ‘Yep. Booty and bail.’
‘Sweet. I’m good at those.’
I let out a huff. ‘Doubt that. Bet you always call your girls back.’
His shrugs one shoulder. ‘Don’t like to be rude, you know.’
When we do make it back to the lodge, Nic is thankfully nowhere to be seen but I know she’s in from the music blaring from her room. The swelling on her ankle must have gone down for her to have walked up all those stairs. I feel a flicker of relief for her. Her hockey days aren’t over yet.
I rush Tommy up the stairs so we’re not accosted by the other two. Locking the door, I fall on the bed.
‘Just give me a second,’ I murmur, closing my eyes.
Tommy snorts, sitting down beside me. ‘We’ve not even started yet.’
I open my eyes when the room starts spinning. I drank more than usual tonight, trying to drown out that sludgy sense of guilt at my previously genius plan. It was hard with Elly shooting those sad eyes at me all night.
Bringing to mind their bet again, I sit up and gather myself. ‘Right.’ I bounce experimentally on the bed, smiling when it creaks. ‘Perfect.’
I do it again, repeating the motion until I’ve got a good rhythm going.
‘Woah, woah, woah!’ Tommy holds out a desisting hand. ‘Not so fast or they’ll think I’ve got shit foreplay game.’
‘Most of you do.’
‘Well, not me. Let’s give it, like, half an hour.’
‘What?! I would have come like ten times by then.’
Tommy raises his eyebrows. ‘That’s more than I ever wanted to know about you.’
‘Sorry.’ I wave my hand in the air. ‘It’s your bi wife energy. It’s making me spill.’
‘No worries.’ He folds his arms with a smile. ‘Ten times, huh? Really?’
I roll my eyes, cheeks feeling hot. Reaching under the bed, I unearth a bottle of unopened vodka. ‘I can come quick. With the right guy.’
‘Alright. Well, I suppose I can be the right guy.’ He moves, making the bed squeak. ‘How do you want me? Loud? Calling out your name?’
‘Nah. Leave that to me.’ Swigging from the bottle, I tip my head back to issue a breathy moan. It sounds obscene even to my ears.
Tommy lets out a laugh that’s just as breathy. ‘Careful or my dick will get hard.’
I shove his shoulder. ‘Don’t talk to your sister like that.’
After what Tommy deems is an acceptable amount of time, we begin our charade. It’s more uncomfortable than I thought bouncing up and down with a churning stomach, but it’s fun and Tommy shushes me more than once when I giggle.
‘No one laughs that much during sex,’ he hisses.
‘It must be your derpy sex face,’ I hiss back.
He takes a swat at me, my back hitting the headboard as I evade it. It bangs off the wall, and we look at each other as the same idea forms in our minds.
Tommy grabs hold of the headboard with both hands. ‘Ready for the climax?’
‘Show me what you’ve got, boyfriend.’
He bangs it a few times, nodding at me to recommence with the mattress squeaking. It’s all very harmonic until he starts making grunting sounds and I lose it entirely.
‘Don’t distract me now,’ he says, still banging the headboard. ‘I’m close.’
I clap my hands over my mouth, tears streaming at the noises he’s making. Finally he ends it with an almighty, guttural groan, whacking that headboard for all it’s worth.
Sitting back with a satisfied sigh, he grins down at me. ‘What? Apparently girls like their guys loud.’
‘No, they do. You just surprised me. That was ace.’ I jump down from the bed. ‘Anyway, gotta go pee. Don’t want an infection.’
‘So weird how you girls have to do that,’ he mutters.
At the door I take a moment to muss up my hair and loosen my clothes. I don’t need to smear my makeup; my tears of laughter took care of that.
The bathroom door opens just as I reach it and Nic strolls out.
Shit, how long has she been in there? I share a wall with that room, the same wall Tommy was just banging with the headboard.
The look she bestows me lets me know she heard everything, her eyes glowing with disapproval and…disappointment? I look away, pushing aside that guilt again. This wasn’t even about Nic, but her two troublemaking besties.
Without a word, she blows past me, barely a limp in her step.
‘See any of them?’ Tommy asks upon my return.
‘Just the one,’ I sigh.
‘Were they pissed?’
I flop back down on the bed. ‘Pretty much.’
‘Job done then.’
I nod, crashing now from my earlier alcohol high.
Revenge hadn’t felt as good as I thought it would, and I know in the morning I’m going to be kicking myself. Especially if the others stop talking to me for it. Imagine waking up to a house full of Nics. Ugh.
‘So are you not the least bit tempted?’ Tommy says. He’s lying down now, looking as sleepy as me. I find myself hoping he doesn’t want to stay over.
‘What? No. Hello, do you not remember why I’m doing this?’
‘Seems to me like you’re trying to make them jealous.’
‘I’m not. I’m just trying to get them back for their gross bet.’ I look at him. ‘Come on, don’t you think it’s gross?’
‘Do I think two unugly girls vying to fuck you is gross?’ He claps me on the shoulder. ‘Tilda, that’s every guy’s dream.’
Tommy leaves before dawn. I don’t know how much sleep I get but when the sun begins rising behind the curtains, I’m so not ready to get up.
Pretty sure I’ve just come on my period though, I force my way out of my warm burrito. It’s a relief to know the PMT’s come to an end but I’m dreading the next two days of cramps. Literally no let-up when you’re a girl.
After I sort myself out in the bathroom, I run into Elly on the landing.
She eyes me warily for a second before a smile comes to her face. ‘Looked out the window yet?’
‘No. Why?’
Grinning, she takes my hand and drags me over to the window in her room. ‘Look.’
I suck in a breath, unable to help my own smile. ‘Snow!’
I clap my hands, bouncing a little on my feet. Elly’s hands are on my hips, the intimate position soothing the weirdness of last night. I really don’t like being at odds with these girls.
‘Do you want to build a snowman?’ Elly sings into my ear.
‘Hell yeah!’
‘Cool. Be ready in an hour.’ I feel her fidget behind me. ‘Tommy gone?’
‘Mm-hm.’
‘You shouldn’t bring him back here. Nic’s got beef with him.’
‘She’s got beef with me too, but you still insist that I stay.’
Elly sighs, stepping away. ‘Alright, Tilda. You do you.’
‘Wait.’ I pull her back, hating— hating —this weird rift between us. One I caused, of course, because apparently that’s what I excel at. ‘I’m sorry about last night. I was in a pissy mood.’
‘Yeah, no foul.’
‘No, big foul. It’s just—’ I put a hand on my forehead and sigh. ‘Nic told me about some bet you and Haz have going on and it pissed me off. I could have been less of a psycho about it though.’
Elly drops her head and groans. ‘Fucking Haz.’
‘Is it true?’
‘Sort of. Just some stupid thing Haz wanted to do when we first met you. She’s a fucker like that.’
‘Right…’
‘We dropped it,’ she insists. ‘Soon as we really got to know you. I’ve not thought of it in weeks. It’s not a thing anymore.’
‘Better not be. That’s pretty shitty.’
‘I agree.’ She takes my fingers and kisses them. ‘You mean more to us than that. Seeing you with Tommy last night fucking killed me.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise…’
‘Didn’t realise I’m a sad sack of shit?’ she jokes.
‘I just thought this was all a bit of fun, that’s all.’
‘It was. At first.’ She tilts her head at me. ‘Shouldn’t be so fucking perfect, should you? It’s cool, Tilda. I know you’re straight. I know you can’t help it.’ She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. ‘Obviously you’d be with me if you could.’
‘Obviously,’ I whisper. It’s so obvious I’m starting to damn my heterosexuality on the daily. How dare nature prevent me from being with this gorgeous human. ‘I didn’t sleep with him though.’
‘Right, so all that noise…’
‘Fake. All fake.’
‘Wow. A for effort.’
‘He’s not even my type. Like, literally. I’d rather sleep with you than him.’ Something I mean too, the startling realisation making me giggle.
Elly chuckles at my lack of composure. ‘You’re cute when you’re trying to be nice.’ She raises a pinkie finger in front of my face. ‘So, friends?’
I knock her finger away, pulling her into a hug instead. My heart pounds in my chest. With relief, I think, as well as a deep appreciation for this girl.
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ she mumbles against my shoulder.
‘You better take that as a yes.’ I pull back. ‘Let me make some food and then we can go live out our Frozen dreams.’
The smell of coffee guides me down to the kitchen. Haz is there, brewing up the deathly stuff. I tried it once; it was rank.
She looks over, none of Elly’s wariness in her face when she says, ‘Your pretend boyfriend’s nice.’
‘Hey, he’s not pretend.’ Procuring a bowl of cereal, I pull out a chair and sit down. ‘We’re in love. We’re getting married.’
‘Uh-huh. You don’t need to go to such lengths to make us jealous, baby girl.’ Haz smiles. ‘I already wanna kill him.’
‘Maybe I’m just trying to get it into your thick skulls that I’ll never sleep with you.’
‘Whatever. Just quit letting him round. Only dicks allowed in this house are the silicone variety.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Like they’re any good.’
‘Wanna come say that to my face?’ She rounds my chair, one hand falling to her crotch. ‘Huh?’
‘I decidedly don’t.’
‘Oh, Tilda.’ She pushes off me with a dark chuckle. ‘The day you finally give in is going to be the sweetest day of my life. Yours too.’
‘There’s nothing sweet about you, Harriet.’
‘No,’ she agrees slyly, tracing her fingers over the ridge of her strap-on. Even this early in the day she has it on. ‘But something tells me you don’t want it sweet.’
Nic
Thank fuck I’d been awake when the snow began to fall. There’s not as much beneath the trees but damned if I was going to leave my tent to sink in it.
It’s still dark as I traipse back to the lodge, tent bag slung over my shoulder. My ankle shoots flames up my leg with every step. At this rate I’m not going to make Friday’s practice. Coach won’t offer any sympathy. I’ll pretty much be fucked.
I blow out an angry breath, watching it billow away. Only my footsteps mar the snow, wonky from my limping walk.
In the cul-de-sac, I watch a figure leave the lodge, any warmth I have left inside me evaporating.
He was who Tilda was shagging? Fucking Tommy?
Yeah, not on my watch.
I drop the tent to the ground. At the noise, Tommy slows his steps, eyeing my approach warily.
‘Don’t know what you think you’re doing,’ I begin.
He holds out his hands. ‘Was just hanging with Tilda.’
‘Hanging.’ My lips quirk. ‘Is that what they’re calling it these days?’
He sighs, running a hand through his hair. ‘Listen, Nic—’
My name on his lips galvanises me. Before he even sees it coming, I’ve got him back against a tree, fists twisted in his shirt.
‘No, you listen you little degenerate. Whole fucking island, Tommy. Won’t begrudge you coming here. Be pretty hypocritical if I did. But I don’t want to see you. I can’t have you near me, you understand? I barely survived that shit and I sure as fuck won’t get dragged back down. Stay the fuck away from Tilda. And stay the fuck away from me.’
We’re of a height but I took him by surprise. He’s slumped against the tree, staring out at me from wide, wary eyes.
Oh yeah, I’ve seen that face before. Mostly at the hands of Damien, right before those hands turned on me.
Have I ever worn that face? Is that what he saw whenever he took what he wanted? The thought fills me with revulsion.
‘I’m not him, Nic.’
He says the words so quietly but he might as well have screamed them.
Both breathing hard, we regard each other, our breaths visible on the air.
Doesn’t matter. It’s the same damn last name, same coloured eyes, same shitty lived experience.
‘Come near the lodge again and I’ll put you out. Got it?’
He nods, face reddening. When I drop him, he takes no time in beating it, kicking up snow in his haste.
Fucking weak piece of shit. Maybe if he was tougher, life would have been easier. Instead it was me who had to get stronger. Strong enough to leave them, to set out on my own with only my demons for company. Don’t even know who I am without them anymore.
I haul the tent back up, the pain in my ankle so bad now it brings tears to my eyes. I grit them back, flitting my gaze over the first floor. Can’t see Tilda’s room from here but I know she’s in there somewhere, Tommy’s greasy fingerprints all over her.
Why do I give a shit about them fucking?
There’s just something about her having a good time that screws with my head. And her having it with Tommy’s just the cherry on top.
The longer she’s around, the more I have this need to know. To control.
Gone are the days where I could just ignore her existence.
Now the snow’s fallen, I’ll have to be in every night. There’s just no escape from any of it.
Maybe it’s a good job my ankle’s fucked. Don’t think I’d be returning from the Vaults alive tonight if it wasn’t.
Tilda
Twelve hours later and I’m in a world of pain. I sacked off today’s lessons, needing nothing more than to be horizontal with something as hot as the halls of hell pressed against my belly. Elly and Haz were adamant on staying with me, but someone had to show up from our group.
It was cute. I think Elly’s still feeling bad about the bet and Haz just didn’t want to be showed up by her. They plied me with hot water bottles and snacks, Haz glaring daggers the whole time as if she could reach inside and slay the dragon of my womb herself.
It’s not been a bad day all round, even if I am out of paracetamol. Being stuck in a forest lodge with snow whipping past the windows, Christmas films on the telly, and Elly’s blanket tucked around me makes for a cosy time indeed.
Nic showed her face a couple of times but she didn’t seem to notice me camped out on her sofa. That or she just couldn’t give a toss which seems much more likely.
I’m assuming it’s her in the kitchen now, a blast of cold air reaching me from the open front door. Haz and Elly would be making much more noise. Apart from her music, Nic’s silent as a ghost. With the amount of times she’s snuck up on me out of nowhere, I’m sure she must be doing it on purpose.
She takes note of me this time, running dispassionate eyes over where I’ve been lying for much of the day.
‘Last night,’ she says without preamble. ‘That’s not happening again.’
I nod weakly, too fucked to get into it with her right now. I do want to press her about Tommy, partly because I know it would piss her off and partly because I’m simply nosy. What did Nic do that she had to disown her family? Because it had to be her, right? That would be about on point.
My lack of bite seems to faze her. Drifting closer to the sofa, she folds her arms. ‘What died?’
‘My womb.’
With a quiet huff, she walks back into the kitchen, offering no words of comfort. I bury my face further into Elly’s blanket, seeking comfort there instead.
Was I expecting anything less? That was pretty cordial for her, all things considered.
I hear the return of her footsteps but I don’t open my eyes until I hear something fling down on the coffee table.
A box of pills, the label reading Zapain.
For me?
With a finger, I hook them closer. ‘Where’d you get these?’
‘Same place I get all my stuff.’
The Vaults, then. Makes me on principle not want to take them, but my principle’s not very strong today.
I mumble out a thanks, not sure she can hear me from where she’s pulling herself up the stairs.
No doubt the pills are for her ankle—probably the only reason she can get around on it.
I don’t take my eyes off the pill box, like it might disappear into a fog of smoke at any moment.
She did something nice for me. What the fuck’s she going to want in return?
Eventually Haz and Elly return home, regaling me with everything I missed on my day of convalescence.
‘Oh, also,’ Elly says, ‘I’m thinking of hitting the mainland for a spot of Christmas shopping at the weekend. Haz has already politely declined’—Elly shoots her a look that tells me she wasn’t polite at all—‘and I know Nic will say no too. Do you maybe fancy it? We can visit the Christmas market. I don’t think we’re gonna get any more snow.’ She puts on her most charming smile. ‘Please?’
‘Yeah, sure, sounds like a good day out to me.’
‘Yes, thank you. It fucking will be. I’ll see if we have to pay for the market.’ She perches on the arm of the sofa, eyes drifting to the TV. ‘Hey, are we watching The Holiday?’
‘Not you.’ Haz points her up the stairs. ‘You’ve got your rotoscoping to do.’
‘Oh my god, you’ve still not finished yours?’ That assignment took me a week to get done and the deadline for it is this Friday.
‘It’s just so shit,’ Elly groans, dropping her head to her chest.
‘Gotta be done.’ Haz claps her on the shoulder. ‘First or nothing, remember?’
Once Elly’s traipsed herself upstairs, Haz falls onto the sofa by my feet.
‘I think something’s wrong with your housemate,’ I say.
‘Which one? They’re both freaks.’
‘The one on the top floor. She gave these to me.’ I flap the box of pills. ‘Reckon they’re poisoned?’
‘Must be feeling the Christmas spirit.’ She rips them from me with a grin. ‘I’ll check if they’re poisoned for you, baby, these are the good stuff.’
‘You will not.’ I grab them back. ‘You don’t even like drugs. And Nic needs them for her ankle.’
‘Aw, look at you two soothing each other’s pain.’
‘Don’t think anything can soothe this pain,’ I grouse.
‘You get it pretty bad, huh?’
‘First two days, yeah. Still rather the physical pain than the emotional.’
‘Ah, so that’s why you were so fucking weird with us last night.’
‘Yeah, I’m super sorry about that.’
‘No worries. I can take it. He’s no competition really.’ She nods to my end of the sofa. ‘Can I bed down with you there?’
‘Not much room.’
‘Don’t need it.’
Easing me into a seated position, she settles behind me. Popping two capsules, she hands them to me with a glass of water from the table. Once I’ve swallowed them, she guides me down until my head’s against her solid chest.
Any other time, I’d probably protest but she’s too much of a force to go up against. I wince as my stomach spasms, drawing my knees in as much as I can with Haz’s thick thighs either side of me.
‘Where does it hurt?’ she rumbles in my ear, one hand drifting under the blanket.
‘Down,’ I whisper.
She trails her hand slowly until I say there.
She hesitates, fingers grazing just above my pussy. I forwent underwear today. Thank God I trimmed recently. Not that these girls would care. Wouldn’t be surprised if Haz’s bush is as big as Nic’s.
‘To the left,’ I direct, hissing when she presses on a particularly tender spot.
‘Here?’ she murmurs.
I nod against her chest, closing my eyes as her fingers commence a gentle circular motion.
After a few moments of that, I’m able to put my attention back on the film, content that she won’t be a dick and try something.
‘A man I can almost fancy,’ she comments after a while.
‘Jude Law? Yeah, he’s beaut in this.’
I shift as the pain starts to ebb, the pills doing their thing. Haz is warm below me, her body a curious combination of firm and yielding. The soft scent of fabric conditioner wafts from her jumper, making me feel sleepy.
‘Can tell Elly washed your clothes this week.’
Haz shakes her head. ‘Don’t know how she does it. They always smell musty as fuck when I do them, even with a boatload of softener.’
‘She’s got the touch.’
‘Housewife material, for sure.’
‘You’ve got your talents too,’ I assure her.
‘Yeah, and what are they? Banging ovarian massages?’
‘That’s definitely up there.’
She gives my belly an affirmative tap before carrying on with her massage. I move her hand to a different spot and she kisses the top of my head in acknowledgement.
My eyes droop, even Jude Law’s pretty smile not able to hold my attention anymore. There’s just warmth and darkness and the relentless rubbing going on on my lower belly. Two inches from my clit. I swallow, awareness suddenly thrumming through me. With the pain dialled down low, I’m able to concentrate on other bodily functions, functions that haven’t seen any action in far too long.
I feel bad as I start enjoying the massage in a different way, unbeknownst to Haz. It would only change things if I told her and, frankly, I don’t want these sensations to stop.
I keep my breathing level, enjoying the pull on my skin and the tingles it shoots further down. I’m so aware of the press of her thighs, the muscles flexing each time she shifts. With my eyes closed, I try to pretend she’s a guy but that just feels wrong. She’s Haz, a girl, and I don’t want her to be anyone else.
She dips lower unintentionally and my breath stutters. Couple more inches and she’ll be able to feel my wetness, to calm the ache that just won’t let up.
Almost reluctantly, I seize her wrist. ‘Okay, stop now. You’re just turning me on.’
Haz chuckles. ‘Good to know.’ She removes her hand, stroking it up and down my arm instead.
After a while, all the aches stop and I’m able to doze off. I’m vaguely aware of Elly turning up at some point, commenting on how cute we look all snuggled up, and Nic returning for her pills. Haz thanks her but I hear nothing from Nic in reply.
When I finally drift off to sleep that night, it’s to the abstracted thought that as well as Elly, I’d rather have sex with Haz over Tommy too.