Chapter 7
Trigger
“Just breathe, sweetheart,” Mama whispers from beside me as I watch my wife, my fucking wife, walk down the sidewalk with some lanky mother fucker, his arm wrapped around her waist, his lips on her neck, my fucking neck, my waist, my everything.
My whole body is vibrating, and I have to fist my hands to stop myself from snatching her back from his embrace and kicking the shit outta him.
Her wedding ring burns against my skin where it’s hanging on a chain around my neck, reminding me she wants out of this marriage, wants away from me, and that only burns my anger deeper.
Seventeen years and she’s refusing to fight for us.
“Granny, can I come stay at yours tonight pleeease…” Cole whines out of the window, and I swear to fuck, I’m about to break my molars with how hard I’m gritting my teeth to stop myself from shouting at him.
It isn’t his fault his mama hates me, that she wants to leave me, it also isn’t his fault that some asshole told him I cheated on his mama, that I never wanted him. Who I don’t know, but when I find out, they better fucking run because now, my son wants fuck all to do with me.
My breathing deepens as I watch the slimy fucker hold the passenger door to his red charger open and help my wife into his car but before he shuts the door, he leans down and fucking kisses her before rounding it to climb in.
Red, all I see is red, something I have only seen since she admitted in therapy last month that she was still seeing the fucker and won’t end their relationship.
I swear, Doc had to hold me back with Tank after I trashed my office at Rebel’s Arts, the first place I went to after storming out of therapy, and they were there looking for me.
I’m slowly fucking falling apart, and knowing he’s with my wife, that she could be giving him her body, my fucking body, tonight… I’m ready to tear the world apart.
“Granny, please,” Cole tries again, and I fucking snap.
“Cole, get on the back of my bike, now!” I demand firmly, without looking away from the car driving off into the distance, the urge to follow it building.
“Why?” Cole replies like he has been doing a lot lately, and according to Mama, not just with me but also Ash, which is not fucking acceptable. “You never wanted me!” he snaps, and I finally look away from the now empty distance and give my son a stern glare, making him flinch.
“I did want you, Cole, I was just scared, not for me but for your mama! You know the story of her parents!” I state firmly, and he looks away.
It was the one thing we refused to keep from him about our teenage years just in case the fuckers tried to contact him which they never have thankfully.
“I’m telling you now, if I find out you’ve been speaking like this to your mama, talking back, then I will burn your fucking artwork!” I threaten, my anger boiling.
He looks at me with wide eyes while Mama looks down, knowing not to get involved.
Ash may have decided to get a boyfriend to try and move on which she will never be able to do despite what she thinks.
She may be refusing to explain what put her off me for a whole fucking year but where our son is concerned, she is an amazing mama and always puts him first and she doesn’t deserve his anger, his confusion, I do.
“Get your ass on the back of my bike now, I won’t tell you again!” I demand firmly, and he huffs but does as I ask as he slowly climbs out of Mama’s car and puts his backpack in my side saddle, then grabs his helmet out of Mama’s trunk.
“The reason why Ashley pulled him out of Wincher middle school is because Virginia went in and claimed to be a family member and told him all about your affair and about you not wanting him,” Mama quickly whispers as Cole makes his way to us, and I look at her sharply.
She flinches at my coldness, a look she’s used to getting over the years for how shitty she’d been treating my wife and admits, “Ash told me.”
“Cole,” I say, and he groans, “I’m just getting my helmet on, Dad.”
I swear, this kid's attitude lately is unbelievable.
“Did a woman come and see you at your old school?” I ask him as I look at him, and he flinches, his face paling.
Fuck no…
“She said Mama took you from her, that you were always hers which is why you chose her over Mama and me. She said you went to high school together and told everyone you never wanted me, that I ruined your life.” He whispers, “She was really nasty and when I called her a liar she dug her nails into my arm, scratching me,” Mama growls while I go stealthily still as he admits, “She told me I was going to go to boarding school when you make her your old lady.”
“She will never become my old lady, that role is your mama’s, no one else’s and I promise you will never see her again.
Now, I need you to climb onto the back, son, please,” I say more softly, and he nods once as I look at Mama and demand, “Call Doc, explain everything, and tell him to get Dirty on finding the bitch!”
Mama nods as Cole climbs on behind me and wraps his arms tightly around my waist. I start my bike, my eyes going off to the distance again and with a deep sigh, knowing I can’t go after them with Cole.
I know it won’t do us any good even though it is killing me, I position my bike the opposite way and slowly pull away from the parking space and head home where hopefully my son actually speaks to me instead of grunting and scowling.
Fuck, he is definitely my son.
A few hours later, after a tense and quiet dinner with my son who kept glaring at everything around him, always anger, gone the happy child, I lean against his doorframe.
I watch as he stares at the picture of me, him and his mama in front of the large Christmas tree the townsfolk place at the town center on his nightstand from two years ago, a little light shining on it after climbing into bed.
I swear my heart fucking tears at the sadness etched on him.
I wish I could take his pain away, that I could hide all the toxicity surrounding his mama and me. I wish I could help him forget that I never wanted him to be born.
I fucking wish I was kissing him good night, then meeting his mama in bed.
“Mama is still dating that guy, and it is all your fault,” he whispers, tears lacing his voice, but he doesn’t look at me as he allows his tears to fall.
“Cole,” I murmur with sadness, guilt, so much fucking guilt filling me.
He sobs, “She doesn’t look at him like she used to look at you, she doesn’t like him touching her, she tenses and flinches but you hurt her…”
Fuck.
I shove off the door frame and rush over to him. Kneeling before him, I cup his cheek, wiping his tears away with my thumb.
I fucking did this to him, pushed his mama away instead of confronting her, finding affection elsewhere while thinking of her.
What the fuck have I done?
“W-was she worth it?” he cries, “To lose your family, to lose Mama who loved you so much that she chose you and me over her own family? Was it all worth it?”
“No, son,” I choke, “None of it was worth it, and I promise, I swear to you, I will get your mama back, please understand that my boy, you both will come home to me if it is the last thing that I do.”
Cole shakes his head and cries, his little body shaking with his silent sobs, and my eyes blur as I quickly pick him up and take a seat on his bed, placing him on my lap as he cries his heart out and regret fills me along with hurt, pain and anger.
“I was going to come say goodnight, but…” Dad’s voice trails off half an hour later, and I take a seat next to him on the patio steps, wiping my hand over my face to hide the tears I cried while my son slept in my arms after crying himself to sleep.
“Virginia is the one who told him everything,” I croak, my throat scratchy, “She went into his school, lied and traumatized him.”
“I know, Dirty is on it, son, he’ll find her,” Dad murmurs, and I nod, looking out into the yard, the gazebo Ash and I used to sit under with her curled up on my lap, a blanket covering us as we spoke about our days, hitting my eyesight.
I fucking miss those days and took them for granted.
“I didn’t fuck Virginia because I was sowing my oats, Dad,” I admit after a few minutes of silence.
I feel him look at me but I don’t take my eyes off the gazebo and confess, “I was always picturing Ash when I was with her and not that it makes it alright but I only fucked her at most three times a month, no more than that. All the other times I wasn’t around and Ash was in the common room, I was outside the convenience store trying to figure out who my wife was having an affair with. ”
“And the days she was working?” he questions.
“I sat outside the store waiting for her to show up for her supposed eight AM shift, but she never showed, always being there in the evenings,” I admit, and Dad sighs.
“I think I picked Virginia to use for affection, to envision my wife because I knew they hated each other. I knew she was a bitch to Ash in high school, and I wanted to punish her,” I continue, “For a whole year she only let me touch her four times overall and each time she would shower herself off. I felt the disconnect, the lack of love and fuck, it scared me. I didn’t want to confront her because then everything would be out in the open.
I didn’t know if we both could come back from it because I know from experience right now, I cannot survive without her.
I just had to hold my son who cried himself to sleep because of my actions, her actions… ”
I drop my head and choke, “I feel so fucking lost, Dad. We should have another baby right about now like we talked about, fuck, we should be getting ready to try again, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I did feel a little resentment towards Ash and Cole because we never got to find ourselves.
Getting married and having a baby before high school even finished, I resented Ash not being able to go to college, make better friends, giving us that time to miss each other but never did I believe I would find us here right now. God, she’s dating Dad, fucking dating.”
“You need to start doing pick up and drop off with Cole,” he states.
I look at him and he nods and comments, “She needs to see you mean business, your son needs to see you mean business. When you gain her forgiveness because you will, you’ve loved each other for seventeen years, you always kneel before her, always prove to her she is your only one, that what happened won’t happened again and that you will both communicate with each other instead of finding affection elsewhere because you’ve stopped giving it to each other. ”
My eyes lock with his, and I question, “I thought you never agreed with her?”
Dad snorts and reluctantly admits, “No, son, I thought she was too sweet for you and I never agreed with you marrying her because I saw you had a wandering eye. You had the itch to try different things before settling down and as for your mama, some of the clubwhores claimed you stated Ash trapped you and when she heard you admit you wanted her to abort Cole. She instantly got it into her head that she was a patch chaser and well, right now, her opinion has changed and she’s trying to prove to Ash that she sees her as family. ”
“Ashley doesn’t see any of the club as family, Dad,” I remind him.
Dad hums and replies, “I know, we all sat back and watched as you got yourself a mistress. Stood back and watched the trainwreck crashing around you and her and we all have a lot of making up to do as long as you both admit your wrongs, meaning she needs to come clean about her affair as well for us all to move forward.”
I swallow hard and look ahead and voice my fears, fears the brothers have also voiced over the past year and ask, “What if she never did have an affair, Dad? What if she was going through some woman shit and I took it the wrong way?”
“Then you fucking pray she forgives you,” he mumbles, and I drop my head.
If Ashley didn’t find a lover and I built it all up in my head because of my fucked up resentment, then never mind her forgiving me. I won’t forgive myself and will end up doing something bad, something very fucking bad.