Chapter 29
Ashley – Three Weeks Later
The beeping surrounds the room as I watch Tyson who is now weighing a whopping five pounds three ounces slowly move his hand and my bottom lip wobbles.
The urge to grab him so high but I know I can’t, not until the nurses are finished with their handover and they give the okay.
Just sitting here, not able to pick him up yet, is killing me.
The first time I held him, I sobbed the whole fricking time while Tyler stayed kneeling next to us, and since then, every chance I get, I’m holding him.
I need that bond with him ready for when he gets discharged, which hopefully will be sooner rather than later. They’ve already turned down his oxygen…
I hear a shuffle behind me, but I don’t turn around, knowing it’s only Scar.
I don’t speak much to the brothers, haven’t stepped foot back inside the clubhouse, though there is always one with me when I leave.
Literally seconds after I’m pulling up to the gate to go, a brother is trailing behind me, whether it’s when I’m taking Cole to school or at the hospital.
A brother is always with me and I’m not stupid as to why.
Tyler believes I’m going to run.
He can’t be with me twenty-four-seven, not with the tattoo shop being busy and club business, and he clearly doesn’t trust the prospects to stop me from house hunting. He has reason, I guess, because I have one foot out of the door, ready to run.
Three weeks and we’ve been in a standoff, I guess you can call it.
Ever since I woke up in the same position that I cried myself to sleep on his chest outside in the gazebo, the daylight coming through the trees, we’ve been tiptoeing around each other.
Him not knowing how to talk to me without pissing me off to the point he’s halted redecorating, and me not knowing how to navigate my feelings.
It was the first time in months that I had slept so soundly, which says a lot, really, considering where my youngest is currently.
Don’t get me wrong, I slept comfortably when he used to sneak back into our bed, but that night, lying on him, it felt right. I melted, my whole body relaxed, and it hurt me because I knew I still held some trust for him, which is just ridiculous, really.
I still don’t know how to forgive him, though.
“Can you see yourself moving on completely from Trigger, Ashley? Can you see a future without him holding your hand, making love to you? Can you see a future where he marries someone else?”
Dr. Chimes’ words from two weeks ago swim in my head.
I needed to speak to someone who wasn’t in the club, and Scar waited outside while I had my appointment and opened up about the mess my head is in over everything. My answer, though I never gave it to her, is no, I can’t see all that, and that upsets me even more.
Tyler has always been my forever. I just wasn’t his, or, in my mind, I’m not.
How can you fix a trust that hasn’t just been broken but torn to shreds?
“I can feel your anxiety from here, sweetheart,” Scar says, but I don’t look at him, not able to.
I was wondering how long it would take for him to speak.
He sighs when I don’t say anything and moves towards me, taking the seat next to mine, and nudges me slightly, and I side eye him, making him smirk.
“You know you can’t always ignore me, Ash, I’m your favorite father-in-law.” He says, and I snort.
“Pretty full of yourself, Scar. The divorce is still lingering in the air,” I mutter.
“You’re not going to divorce Tyler, Ashley,” he says more seriously, and I look at him this time and I ask, “And how do you know that?”
He smiles softly and replies, “Because he’s your lobster.”
I blink, then blink again… did he…
“Did you seriously just quote a ‘friends’ reference?” I confirm shocked that he actually watches the show. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love it. It’s hilarious, but Scar seems more of a bloody type of film watcher.
“Yeah, I did,” he says seriously, “Olive is on a ‘friends’ kick, but whatever, you and my son belong together ever since he latched onto you in the fourth grade.”
“He cheated on me, Scar,” I whisper, and he nods.
“I know, and believe me, he knows how much he messed up, and if it wasn’t for Doc saving him, you would be a widow right now. That is how deep his guilt goes…” He reminds me, and I flinch, looking back at my son.
He sighs, “Ashley, over the years, he lost his way a little bit, and it took him to lose you for him to understand how badly he messed up. He was going to do therapy originally to help you both co-parent…”
I look at him at mutter, “I know.”
He smiles sadly and admits, “He was adamant you were cheating, adamant there was no way back for you both after he touched Virginia. His sole focus was Cole but slowly he was destructing, he was lost, hurting,” he leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees and murmurs, “you both have been through so fucking much, so much hurt and pain,” he looks at me, “but you belong together.”
“I don’t know how to forgive him,” I admit quietly, “I don’t want to see him move on, I don’t want to watch him love someone else, but I don’t know how to forgive him, to trust him again.”
“By taking it slowly, Ash. You both, fuck, as much as you don’t want to hear this, Ashley, you both messed up.
Yes, he looked at other women, he had what-ifs, but I would be lying to you if I told you most fucking men don’t have those thoughts.
Because they do, just like some women also wonder if they’re doing the right thing.
He loved you, he chose you and you chose him but instead of speaking to him, leaning on him, you allowed Virginia’s words to get to you.
You pulled back from him, making him insecure with your own insecurities and while yes he really fucked up, the club really fucked up, you are not entirely innocent in all this,” he says gently but firmly and I look back at Tyson, hating his words.
I hate them because they’re true. I did let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me.
“Ashley,” Scar says, and I look at him as he admits, “he’s already got me and Olive on standby.”
“For what?” I whisper, my heart already pounding, knowing why but hoping he’s wrong.
“To take Cole and be on permanent Tyson watch after he locks you up in the house,” he confirms what I already knew, and I look away again.
“How can he be so certain that we can get past everything when I’m not?” I ask quietly.
“Because he knows he can’t live without you, but the question, sweetheart, is can you live without him?” he turns the question around on me, and I swallow hard as my eyes tear up, already knowing the answer.
Talen or Michael, whatever his name was, I was using him to try to move forward, to prove I can be without the man who has been in my heart for seventeen years, but it didn’t work.
“No,” I choke, “no, I can’t live without him…”
“And that is why you are still so goddamn angry because you want to try with him. You want to give your marriage another go because you can’t live without him, and you think you're failing yourself by not moving on, by not fighting harder for the divorce,” he states firmly and I flinch, I can’t help it because dammit, he’s right, isn’t he?
“I know you are struggling, Ash,” he whispers, “but instead of struggling on your own, lean on him and let him prove to you that you are the only woman he sees, but also make sure you make him pay still.”
I chuckle out a sob on his last bit before leaning my head on his shoulder as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, and I admit, “I always saw you as my father…”
“I know, sweetheart and I hate that I didn’t stand by you,” he murmurs and kisses my head. “And I’ll forever be grateful to have that role,” he adds, and my tears fall as we watch Tyson’s little chest move up and down as he snoozes, the beeping still consistent while my mind reels.
Can I try again with him?
Would that make me stupid when I only slept with a guy once, even though he was my rapist and I didn’t know?
Should I sow my oats some more to throw it back in his face?
Or will I forever regret not giving him a chance?