Chapter 12
Decisions, Decisions
Thorsen
I sat on the sofa, feeling dazed, probably because of all the alcohol I ingested. Still, it was a good thing I drank so much, or I would have been sporting an erection the size of Madagascar during our dance exercise. The thought made me groan in frustration because I felt as if maybe, just maybe, I’d missed my chance. Was I dumb for not trying something while we danced together? Apart from my-hands-on-his-ass incident, I was on my best behavior. I didn’t shove my tongue down his throat, although maybe it was exactly what I should have done.
No. Don’t go there, Tye.
But we were dancing. Maybe it meant something.
Yeah, it meant he loves his girlfriend enough to dance with the man he dislikes.
Dominic “The Trigger” Carter isn’t the type of guy who would dance with a man he dislikes. In fact, he wouldn’t dance with a man, period.
And you have known him for what… five minutes? Besides, he’s just being friendly.
Friendly. That was the word I should focus on. Friendly. My body didn’t get the memo, though, so I pressed my palm against my hardening dick, stifling a groan. What the hell was he doing up? Get the fuck down, erection!
It wouldn’t listen to me, though. It kept swelling, growing, demanding things as I suffered through it, feeling desperate. Jerking off was out of the question, but what then? Jogging around the place? I was too dizzy. Push-ups? I was too weak from this goddamn… want. Hitting a bar and finding someone to fuck? Everything in me rejected the idea. Fucking Carter, though… God, I would sell my soul to get into that ass right now.
No, don’t think about that.
Who would even be the one doing the fucking? Him? Me? Even if he wasn’t straight, which he was, he seemed like a top to me. I was one too, but I would gladly take him balls-deep inside me if that were his preference.
God, when did it happen? When did I start to feel so much? Was it the first time I woke up with him in my arms? Or while we lay next to each other in that bunker, wondering if we would ever see the light of day? Or when I first looked into those jungle green eyes and found myself at a loss for words.
I reached for my pants, remembering that I left a pack of gum in my pocket, only to realize that those weren’t my pants. They were Carter’s. And the thing I pulled out of the pocket wasn’t gum but the hair tie I thought I’d lost.
What the fuck? What was my hair tie doing in his pocket? So, he found it? Kept it? Why? Why wouldn’t he just return it to me?
Fuck.
I stood up abruptly. A plan was forming in my head, a plan that would land me in trouble—because I decided to kiss him. After that, I expected to end up in the ER, nursing a broken nose, but it was a price I was ready to pay. I was mulling it over when I heard a loud crash coming from the bathroom. I rushed inside, only to find Carter leaning over the sink and collecting the pieces of broken glass.
“Sorry if I alarmed you. The glass slipped from my fingers.”
I slapped my forehead. “God, I’m such an idiot. I forgot.”
“Me, too,” he murmured, taking the Band-Aid out of the box.
“When were you supposed to change it?”
“This morning.”
I cursed under my breath and walked up to him.
“Let me clean the wound first. Sit down.”
He sat on the tub and closed his eyes as I moved the candle closer, straining to see in the dimly lit room.
“To be honest, I find it difficult to sleep lately,” I admitted. “Ever since the bunker… I can’t stand the fucking dark.”
“Me neither,” he murmured. “The rain, too. I hate it. It reminds me of that damn dripping.”
I glanced at the window where the raindrops were hitting the glass like bullets. I didn’t even notice when it started raining. It was one of those summer storms that would come and go without warning, leaving behind humidity, stickiness, and despair.
After I changed the Band-Aid, I brushed away a strand of hair from his forehead, allowing myself that little bit of intimacy.
“There you go. As pretty as ever.”
“Gee, thanks,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Let’s go outside. I need some fresh air. And grab that tequila, will you?”
Right. Tequila. It was a good idea, since in the meantime I gave up on my plan to kiss him because I was a fucking coward. I followed Carter into his bedroom, only to find him on the balcony enveloped in darkness. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the railing next to a few flowerpots that looked miserable.
“Vic brought them,” he said, following my gaze. “I don’t know how to take care of them.”
“Orchids are temperamental,” I said, looking at them fleetingly. “Maman used to grow them in the backyard when I was a child. I’ll bring fertilizer tomorrow. It might help.”
Thunder roared above us as I reached for the framed photo on the nightstand. The moonlight penetrating the room was faint, but I could see Carter in the photo and another man with him. They were both wearing police uniforms.
“Was this your partner?” I asked him.
He closed his eyes with a sigh. “Yeah, that’s Raj. Was. That was Raj. I keep forgetting.”
He took a sip of tequila and handed me the bottle as I sat across from him.
“How long were you partners?”
“Two years. In fact, Raj was the one who introduced me to Vic.”
I blinked in surprise. “You’re kidding?”
“Nope. Raj’s parents are well-off, so he and Vic went to the same private school together. She was throwing a birthday party and invited him. He invited me to go with him, and then… Vic and I hit it off, I guess.”
I always wondered where he met Vicky since they weren’t moving in the same circles, but now it all made sense.
“How did he die?”
Carter bowed his head, biting his bottom lip in a way that had to be painful.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said, shifting closer to him. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“I know I don’t,” he bit out.
He was spiraling. I could see it in the way his shoulders trembled. I could feel it in his gaunt body. I could hear it in his labored breathing. Without thinking, I sat behind him and pulled him toward me. He tensed up like a wounded animal ready to attack, but he remained motionless.
“We’re not strangers anymore, pal,” I said with a sad smile. “Sorry to point it out, but we slept and pissed in the same stinking pit for three days. You can rest your back on me without getting an anxiety attack.”
“Okay,” he said through his teeth. “What… what do I do?”
I spread my legs wide so he would have more space and pulled him closer to me.
“Lean back and relax.”
When he rested his back on my chest, I reached for the bottle and gave it to him.
“Now tell your story.”
He took a sip of tequila as I slid my hand to his chest and started to rub the spot above his heart with my thumb. Just like the last time, he relaxed almost instantly.
“There’s not much to tell. Raj and I were friends. Partners. Everyone loved him in the station, while for some inexplicable reason, he loved me. ‘Cause, you know me… I get grumpy.”
I smiled. “You’re not grumpy, Dominic.”
“Aren’t I?”
“You’re not grumpy now.”
“It’s because you relax me,” he grumbled. “When you don’t annoy me, that is.”
“And then what happened?”
“Life happened,” he said with a sigh. “We were on a stakeout. Raj left the car in pursuit of the suspect. I should have followed him straightaway, but I didn’t. He caught the guy but lost his life in the process. I was two minutes too late. Two minutes that I will regret for the rest of my life.”
“What did you do to the suspect?” I asked him because I knew he didn’t arrest him.
He smiled bitterly. “I beat him within an inch of his life, of course. I believe he’s still taking his food through a straw somewhere. And I ended up in the LD. Deserved.”
I took a sip of tequila and passed the bottle to him.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said when the alcohol burned away some of the pressure inside me. “It’s that goddamn job. It eats at us, can’t you see?”
He shook his head, looking grim. “No. It was me.”
Change the subject.
“Not to sound presumptuous,” I murmured, stretching my legs. “Do you think I would have a shot with Vic if you weren’t in the picture?”
He let out an incredulous laugh. “Pardon?”
Actually, I suspected Vicky wasn’t my biggest fan, but I wanted to steer the conversation away from the painful subjects.
“No offense, but I’m smarter than you—” I said, when he cut in.
“None taken, but you’re not.”
“I’m a better detective.”
“In your dreams, and even that’s far-fetched.”
“I’m better looking.”
“We both know that’s not true.”
“I’m stronger.”
He made a face. “Debatable.”
“No, it’s not, mon c?ur.”
He glanced at me over his shoulders, frowning. “What does that mean?”
“It means dude.”
“You’re lying.”
I grinned. “Prove it.”
“I don’t have to prove anything to you, but just so that you know, I’ll google it. If it’s a curse, you’ll regret it.”
“Why? What will you do to me, Dominic?”
“I will cook for you, Tye.”
When we both burst into laughter, I placed a big, wet kiss on his scruffy cheek, because to hell with it. We were bonding. He tried to jab me in the ribs with his elbow, but I dodged it thanks to the black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu I’d attained a few years back.
“Yuck,” Carter grumbled, wiping his face, as I chuckled and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“Stop rolling those pretty green eyes of yours,” I said, resting my chin on his shoulder. “I know you’re not mad at me.”
I was full-on hugging him now, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“Pot, kettle, black,” he retorted. “Your eyes are changing color all the time. It’s driving me crazy.”
“Don’t tell me that’s the only thing that drives you crazy about me.”
“No. This, too.”
He spun to face me and took off my hair tie, then catapulted it over the balcony.
“What the fuck?” I exclaimed, shocked.
“You don’t need that shit,” Carter stated with conviction. “You’re losing those damn hair ties all the time, anyway. Besides, your hair is the only thing I like about you.”
Mental note to self: throw away all the hair ties in your possession.
“Be still, my heart,” I murmured, still baffled. “What about my charm? My rugged good looks? My blatant sexuality?”
He burst into laughter.
“Sorry, it doesn’t ring a bell. By the way, how much time do you spend in the gym? And do you have a free membership since you’re their walking, talking advertisement?”
“I don’t need a gym,” I replied with a grin. “Why? Do I look as if I work out, Dominic?”
He snorted. “Show-off.”
“What about this?” I said, dragging my finger down his inked arm. “What does it mean?”
“It’s a Māori design. It symbolizes personal growth and endurance.”
“Can I see the rest?”
“Sure.”
The word barely left his mouth when he knelt before me and took off his T-shirt. What now? My brain asked me, but I merely gulped, staring at his eight-pack that looked so unreal it had to be A.I.-generated. My gaze dropped to the line of dark hair under his belly button and lowered to the bulge in his joggers. He wasn’t hard on anything, but… Jesus Christ. His dick had to be huge when—
“I had it done when I finished the academy,” he said, reminding me I should probably stop staring at his crotch.
I reluctantly looked up, only to blink at the sight of a muscled chest covered with black ink from shoulders to waist. Fucking hell. He looked like a thug, not a cop, and I didn’t know whether to cuff him or fuck him. Or both?
“The tat below the rib represents an anchor,” he said, gripping the railing to keep his balance. “Fuck, I’m dizzy.”
I tried to concentrate on the art and even compliment it, but his semi-naked state rendered me speechless.
“And this one here…”
When he yanked down the waistband of his sweats, my mouth dried. First, I could see his pubes. Neatly trimmed. Dark. Lickable. Second, he had a quote tattoo above his hip bone.
Memento vivere.
I dragged my finger over the ink as if it were a book in Braille, moving slowly from letter to letter. His skin was smooth to the touch and warm—so warm.
“It means, remember to live,” Carter said, sounding lost in thought. “It’s something I’m not very good at.”
When his foot slipped, I grabbed him by the hips before he could topple over.
“Shit,” he groaned, chuckling. “I think I’m drunk.”
I swiftly stood up despite the obscene amounts of tequila coursing through my body and helped him to his feet. His body bumped into mine as he straightened up, making every nerve ending in my body tingle.
“Are you okay?” I asked him, placing my hands on his waist because he seemed unsteady.
“Yeah, just dizzy.”
When his knees buckled and he rested his hands on my chest for support, I swallowed with difficulty. Not a good idea, pal.
“I’m going to bed,” he murmured, closing his eyes. “Everything is upside down.”
I tipped his chin up, making him look at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
It was an intimate gesture that brought his gaze to mine, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“Yes, Mom. I’m sure,” he replied, grinning. “Will you tuck me in bed, too?”
My gaze slid to his mouth, and I knew I was a second away from kissing him. And we were on the balcony of a four-story building. It was a long way down.
“I’m fine, Tye,” Carter said with a sigh, ruffling my hair. “Chill, yeah?”
Then he pulled away and, stumbling across the balcony, disappeared into the bedroom.
After he left, I leaned over the railing, stuck my head out under the ice-cold torrent of rain, and prayed.
God, if you make this feeling go away, I’ll go to a Mass every Sunday for a month. Thank you and amen.
An eternity later, when I was semi-sober, I decided it was safe to go inside. I closed the door behind me, leaving the storm, the darkness, and the moon to deal with their own demons. I paused before the bed where Carter lay asleep, dressed only in his boxers. The tattoo of a black raven on his back made my breath hitch in my throat, and I couldn’t stop staring.
Leave, asshole. The voice in my head said, but my feet wouldn’t move.
“Can I sleep here?” I asked the silent room more than anyone else. “And can I leave the candle on?”
I didn’t expect an answer, but I got it, nonetheless.
“Yes, and yes,” Carter murmured, sounding half-asleep. “And set the alarm for six.”
I stripped down to my boxers and got into bed, rolling onto my side until I was facing him.
“Dom,” I said, placing my hand on his waist. “I have to tell you something.”
No, you have nothing to say to him.
“Hmm?” he hummed, his voice muffled by the pillow.
Tell him, you coward. Tell him how you feel.
“Dom, I… I like you. I really like you.”
“Mhm,” he murmured, and I took it as encouragement.
“And… um… I want to… I want to kiss you more than anything. Just one kiss… to see what it’s like. Wha… What do you say?”
“Mhm,” he murmured. “We’ll buy it tomorrow, Vic.”
I rolled onto my back and covered my face with my arm, stifling a groan. I was an idiot. Why? Because I was lying here and pining for a man who wasn’t only taken and straight but who also had a gun and knew how to use it.
So, when he rolled onto his side and snuggled against me, what did I do? I cursed the day I was born. And when he placed his head on my chest? I hugged him, praying for a fast and merciful sleep.
***
“What the fuck?”
I flinched and opened my eyes, only to see Carter bolting upright in bed. Under the faint light of the moon, his chest glistened with sweat, and his breathing was erratic.
“It’s okay,” I murmured, rubbing my eyes and sitting up. “You had a nightmare.”
“I thought we were in that bunker again,” Carter said, sounding alarmed. “Fuck.”
I rested my hand on his bare chest. “We’re not. It was just a bad dream.”
His skin was hot and smooth under my fingers, his heartbeat frantic.
“Go back to sleep,” I said, pushing him gently back down. “It’s not morning yet.”
As soon as I lay down beside him, he snuggled against me.
“Are you comfy, babe?” I asked him, pulling the blanket over us.
“Mm-hmm,” he hummed and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Warm.”
And yeah, voice in my head, I knew he did it because he was half-asleep and unaware of his actions. I knew he probably just needed comfort and another human being’s touch, but still… he seemed so comfortable in my arms. Relaxed. Content.
Drunk. Traumatized. Distressed.
I told the voice in my head to fuck off and concentrated on the person lying next to me instead.
“Sleep, my love,” I said when his breathing deepened. “Bonne nuit.”
I kissed his forehead and closed my eyes, only to snap them open when my heart froze in my chest. Only then did it hit me.
Love? Did I just say love?
No. Nooooo.
I gulped, panicking. My heart skipped not a beat, but a tune. I tried to think, but my mind was in a whirl. I had never been in love before, so I didn’t exactly know the feeling, but still… no way this was love. Not so suddenly. Not so unexpectedly. And not with him of all people. It was just… impossible. Surely, I was wrong. Surely. Right?
Because if it was love… Then I was fucking doomed.