28. Lila
TWENTY-EIGHT
Lila
“The wind had picked up so much, and they were getting whipped around.” Charlie shook her head. “I thought I was about to lose Nathan before I even had a chance to marry him.”
I chuckled and pulled my fleecy blanket up around my chin. “I can’t believe I missed all of this.”
Charlie tilted her head back and groaned. “Me either. I seriously missed you so much.”
I had texted Charlie as soon as I’d gotten home, desperate to talk about Harrison's weird energy. Twenty minutes later, she turned up at my house in an oversized sweatshirt with a bag of snacks. We’d been resting, watching cheesy movies, and chatting ever since. God, I loved her.
“I’m glad Greece was amazing, but Fiji would have been a hundred times better if you were there,” she said, causing me to light up a little. Sitting there with her, gorging on potato chips and cookies, made me realize without a doubt that Charlie was the sister I never had. No matter how our lives changed, she would always be an important piece of mine.
“I messed up,” she said.
“How?”
“I checked my work email.”
I laughed. “That was a mistake. I almost did, but I’m forcing myself to wait until tomorrow.”
Even with my obsessive need to know everything, no one had called our personal phones, which meant there had been no emergencies while we were gone. I was sure the whole office had continued operating just fine.
“I shouldn’t have. Everything is fine, of course. I just can’t help myself sometimes. I even responded to a few.”
I opened my mouth in mock horror. “Oh, Charlie. You didn’t.”
She laughed and snatched the popcorn out of my hands.
“I can’t believe I took this time off and I’m also going to be off for three weeks for our wedding and honeymoon. Three weeks . I haven’t been away that long since we started ConnectHer.”
“And you did such a great job building it that the place will run smoothly in your absence,” I pointed out. “I’ll make sure of it.”
Charlie frowned. “But I seriously don’t want you overworking yourself.”
“I won’t.”
“You should really consider hiring someone to be head of brand and take over some of your workload. I know you always say you’re fine, but we have the budget for it, and with me being gone for almost a month it could be perfect timing.” She looked at me, hopeful as ever.
Instinctively I was about to tell her ‘no,’ but stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I get some help? Freeing up my mind for other things would be liberating. Harrison’s words about putting others’ needs before my own rattled around in my mind.
“Okay,” I said.
Charlie’s eyebrows sprang up. “Okay? Okay ?”
I laughed at her obvious shock. “I can write up the job posting this week and send it over to our recruiter.”
Charlie got up and took a step toward me before placing a warm hand on my forehead.
“Hey.” I smiled and swatted her away.
“Sorry, I was just checking for a fever.” She plopped back down and clapped excitedly. “This is going to be great for you. I don’t know why you changed your mind but I’m glad you finally did.”
“Me too.” I had thought relinquishing control would make me feel frazzled, but instead I felt calmer than I had in years. Just the idea of lightening some of my workload and having more time for myself made me want to cry.
“Greece really changed you,” Charlie said.
I sighed. “Yep.”
She cringed at my crestfallen expression. “He’ll call, Lila. You have no reason to think he won’t.”
I’d already filled her in on all the major details, including the very awkward and unfortunate flight home.
“He side-hugged me.” My head fell back onto the couch cushion and I threw my blanket over my head. I was ready to wallow, but Charlie kept insisting the situation wasn’t that dire.
“Maybe he was nervous,” she said
“Maybe.” I’d considered the possibility, but how likely was it when we had already slept together? Already curled up next to each other? Already shared things we’d never shared with others?
Being with him these last couple of days had been so comfortable and natural. Maybe he was nervous now, but that’s exactly what the delusional, optimistic side of me would convince myself of.
I didn’t want to give up hope, but I also didn’t want to look stupid.
“I can’t even picture Harrison being lovey-dovey with anyone.” Charlie squinted her eyes and stared off into the distance, as if struggling to imagine it.
“Especially me, right?” I mumbled, sinking deeper into my couch cocoon.
Charlie shook her head. “Not at all. I was going to say if anyone was going to bring him out of his shell, it’d be you.”
“I brought him out. I just don’t know if he wants to stay out.”
Sadness hit me at the thought. I’d become ridiculously attached to Harrison in our short time together. Call me delusional, but I could picture it, you know? Us walking around Denver together. Taking him to my favorite restaurant. I was already excited about dragging him to one of those Christmas markets. The whole idea of us made life seem extra new and exciting, like I was in a new city I hadn’t explored yet, despite having already seen every inch of this place.
I just really wanted it to work.
Tears brewed hot behind my eyelids and I blinked them away.
Charlie scooted over on the couch and slung an arm around my shoulders. “Don’t get yourself worked up. Talk to him first. Today could just have been an off-day. You don’t know that he doesn’t want this too.”
My chest deflated, but I wiped my eyes and nodded.
“Here.” She snatched my phone off my lap and tapped the screen a few times before waving it in front of my face. It was a picture of some random dude posing in front of a gym mirror. A dating profile. The first thing in his bio read, Not looking for anything serious.
“Do I need to remind you how grim the dating scene is out there?” she asked, swiping away from the first guy. The next one had his profile picture set to one of him at a club with his arms slung around two beautiful women. Charlie crinkled her nose. “See? It’s awful out there. You can’t give up that easily.”
“I’m not giving up,” I insisted, taking my phone back and setting it on my cluttered coffee table. “And even if Harrison decides he doesn’t want to pursue this, I’m done with those apps.”
Charlie’s eyes widened. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. If I can’t find someone while I’m focusing on myself, then it isn’t meant to be.” Plus, if Harrison truly didn’t want me, I’d definitely have to give myself time to get over it. Was it sad that it would likely take me way longer to grieve our nonexistent relationship than the amount of time we were actually together?
Her eyes softened. “Good. I’m glad you finally realized what a catch you are. You were settling for all those mediocre dates, and it was a waste of your time.”
“Yep.” I stared straight ahead, trying not to let the whole Harrison situation consume my every thought.
Charlie patted my knee encouragingly. “He’ll call. Don’t assume the worst.”
A loud knock came at the door. Charlie and I looked at each other and stayed seated, instinctively waiting for whoever it was to go away. But after a minute, another knock sounded instead.
“Who is it?” Charlie hissed.
“I don’t know. I didn’t order anything. Did you?”
“No. It’s probably someone trying to sell you something.”
Charlie leaned toward me on the couch to peer out the front window that overlooked the porch. We both screamed when a hulking figure entered the frame and looked inside.
Harrison jerked back, looking alarmed, before tilting his head in the direction of the front door, brows drawn together.
“Oh my God, he’s actually here,” Charlie whispered, springing up. “I told you not to worry.” She glanced at the window and then back at me again. “I’m not going to lie, it is so weird to see him here.”
I jumped off the couch. “What if he’s just here to let me down gently?” I asked, but that negative thought did little to dispel the fluttering sensation in my stomach.
Charlie smacked my shoulder.
“Ouch, that was kind of hard.” I glared at her and rubbed the afflicted area.
“Stop being such a pessimist and see what he wants.” She grabbed her bag off the coffee table and searched for her shoes.
I rushed to the doorway, hesitating for a moment to check myself in the mirror hung above my coat hook. The bags underneath my eyes were puffy, but not in an overly noticeable way. My hair stuck up in multiple directions. I smoothed it down the best I could before throwing open the door.
Harrison made my tiny front porch seem even smaller. His hair was still damp from a shower, and he wore his signature beat-up bomber jacket over a T-shirt. Maybe it was just the warmer clothes, but he looked different than he had the past few days. He reminded me more of the guy who had always been so cold and short with me. I told myself that this was the same guy I had spent days cozied up with, but was the trip really enough to change everything?
Charlie brushed by me into the small entryway. “I was just leaving.”
Harrison stepped aside so she could join him on the porch.
“Hey,” he said, looking from her to me and back to her. “Uh, thanks, by the way. For sending us to Greece. I know it was an accident, but?—”
“Oh, it was my pleasure, really.” She winked at me. I narrowed my eyes at her.
“I’ll see you two later.” She stepped off the porch. As soon as Harrison directed his gaze toward me, Charlie started frantically pointing at his back and mouthing, “Tell him how you feel.”
I waved her off. Harrison turned in confusion, and Charlie whipped around and strolled to her car parked on the street. “Bye,” she said again.
“Sorry if I interrupted something,” he said, returning his attention to me, his gaze searching my face.
“We were just watching bad movies,” I said. I wanted to kick myself for not coming up with a better opening line, but I was still a little shell-shocked to have him in my space. This made it all so real.
“I hope this is all right. Me just showing up here,” he added quickly.
I shook my head, trying to regain my senses. “Of course, sorry. I’m just a little out of it.”
“Me too.” He looked pained, which just set my nerves off even more.
“So,” I said, but he started to say something at the same time. His lip curled up and he ducked his head.
“Sorry. you go ahead,” I said.
“Can I come in?” he asked, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets.
“Of course.” I scrambled out of the doorway to let him inside. I’d been so caught off guard by seeing him here, I’d lost all semblance of composure or manners. He stepped inside and looked around before taking off his boots. If seeing him on my porch felt strange, nothing could have prepared me for seeing him inside my house.
He looked incredibly out of place, his dark clothes and hair a stark contrast to my brightly colored space. A twinge of self-consciousness hit me. What if he didn’t like it?
“This place is so you,” he said, looking past me to my cramped vintage kitchen. He didn’t say it like it was a bad thing. He almost said it fondly.
“I mean, did you expect anything else?” I smiled to try to ease my concerns.
“Not at all.” Harrison closed the door behind him and we were sealed in. I had to face him, but I wasn’t sure I was ready.
“Did you want the tour?” I joked, shifting from foot to foot. “It won’t take long.”
Now he looked caught off guard. “Uh, sure.”
“Some would call it tight, but I would say cozy,” I said, walking backward and gesturing to my kitchen. “This is the kitchen where I whip up the best cupcakes you could ever imagine. Now that you’re actually nice to me, maybe I’ll make some for you.” I laughed nervously and immediately regretted saying that. “Then the back bedroom is my office and the first door down the hall is my bedroom.” I paused before touching the door to my bedroom. I wasn’t quite ready to open that can of worms yet. Instead, I redirected him to the living room. “And here is the main gathering space.”
“Where did you find this couch?” he eyed the pink patterned antique.
“An estate sale.” I patted the cushion. “I knew it was coming home with me the minute I saw it.”
“It is very you.” A ghost of a smile came across his lips.
My phone vibrated on the coffee table, causing us both to lean down to look. When I saw that it was a notification from that stupid dating app, my face paled and I snatched my phone to hide it. I shot a nervous glance at Harrison, hoping he’d missed it, but judging from the death glare I was now receiving I didn’t think I’d been that lucky.
“Are you seriously on a dating app right now? We’ve only been back a few hours.” He threw his head back before dragging a hand across his face.
“No, it’s not like that.” I waved my hands in a panic. “Charlie downloaded it for me.”
“Why?” He looked mad, but I knew him well enough now to realize the harsh lines of his features were just masking his hurt. I felt terrible.
“To remind me how bad it is out there,” I said, feeling embarrassed although I wasn’t sure why. “I was... I didn’t know... I guess I’m confused.” I blew out a sharp breath to try and collect my thoughts. I let my eyes drift to the floor because looking at him right now was just causing my brain to turn into jelly.
“Lila, we need to talk.” He had taken on a serious tone which made my pulse quicken.
“I didn’t know where we stood after today,” I continued, desperate to make him understand. My voice was shaky, but I was definitely panicking a little. “I’ll delete the dating app right now. Regardless of how anything turned out, I was already planning on it. Charlie was just trying to encourage me not to...” Not to what? Give up? Give up on what? I couldn’t finish my sentence, because everything just sounded too pathetic and needy.
Harrison seemed to finally notice my nerves, because his dark eyes widened a little. “Hey,” he said gently, taking a step forward to grab onto my arms. “I don’t care about that, okay? I mean, I do, but only in the sense that I really, really don’t want you thinking about anyone else.”
“You don’t?” Everything inside me was coiled tightly.
“Of course not.” Harrison hunched over so that he could look me more directly in the eyes. “I'm sorry about today, and for being so awkward. I hated leaving you like that.”
His words were like a needle being poked into the balloon of my tension. My panic started to trickle away, but I was still tentative.
“You did?” I asked.
“It was awful.” His eyes searched mine. “I never should have let you second-guess anything, but I was barely holding it together.”
“Because you weren’t sure you wanted this for real.” I squeaked out.
“No.” He snorted and looked at me incredulously. “Because I was so sure I wanted this, and I didn’t know what to do. Or say. I didn’t want to come on too strong and freak you out, so I sat there in silence like an idiot. I made things weird today and I’m so sorry for that.”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment.
“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that.”
I studied his face, realizing that despite nothing changing, I was beginning to recognize him again. This was the same Harrison I’d spent so many hours getting to know. He’d never left. I’d just lost sight of him for a second.
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. “So, you want this too? No regrets?”
“Yes.” I wanted to laugh. “I was so worried the whole way home. I thought you might have changed your mind.”
He pulled me into his chest and I wrapped my arms around him, breathing him in. He tangled his fingers in my hair and sighed deeply.
“I’m so fucking stupid. Please don’t hold today against me.”
“It’s not all your fault. I wanted to say more to you, but I was scared.”
He pulled away to study my face. “Scared?”
“That you didn’t want me anymore now that the vacation glow had worn off,” I said.
He moved his hand to the back of my neck and tugged my face toward his. His lips met mine in a sweet, passionate kiss. Fireworks of excitement went off inside me as I relished how good he tasted. When he pulled away, he had a stern but gentle look on his face.
“I told you already. You’ve got me. That wasn’t some vacation spell I was under. That was all you. I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me.”
“I know, but?—”
He shook his head. “No buts. I meant it with my whole chest.” He tucked a loose piece of hair behind my ear. “I know this is new, and I know I’m bad at this, but please know I’m going to try. This—you are really important to me.”
My heart squeezed. “You’re important to me, too,” I said, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him again. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me close.
“Does this mean you’ll delete those dating apps now?” he pleaded into my hair.
I laughed and dared to hope for the first time that I would never need to use those apps again.
“Definitely.”