41 #3
I turn my attention back to the road and let my thoughts wander.
I’m not possessive or protective of Reece. I feel nothing toward him. I’m grateful he protects the two people I love, but I think of him as a business partner with aligning goals and priorities. If something were to happen to him, my only concern would be Aurora’s attachment.
My world would be forever altered if anything happened to Jax or Aurora. I doubt I’d want to wake in the morning. Even hockey pales in comparison to how complete I feel with them.
My mouth opens, and words tumble out. “I don’t have any tattoos. I think I’m afraid of needles.”
His eyes pop open, but I don’t acknowledge him. I focus on the highway ahead. “Not needles themselves, but the fear of becoming addicted to them. That sounds silly when I say it out loud, but my mom was an IV drug user.”
“No, it doesn’t.” He shakes his head. “You don’t have to—we don’t have to get tattoos.”
“I know. I would for you, though.” I glance at him, allowing him to see the truth in my eyes.
“In Montreal, when Aurora was sick, the team wasn’t the reason I was aggravated.
” My heart pounds furiously against my sternum as I recall the day.
“That smell. The acidic, putrid smell of vomit has to be my worst memory.” I can smell it now just thinking about it.
“I was five the first time I remember finding her, my mom, lying in her own vomit. There were mornings I thought she was dead.”
Sometimes, I wished she were.
She didn’t want to live, not without my father.
My throat constricts at the memories of me screaming and trying to wake her, and I can’t go on. I squeeze the steering wheel until his hand takes mine, and he intertwines our fingers, bringing them to his lap.
“For days after Montreal, I felt horrible. I avoided spending the night together, hating my inability to care for Aurora when she needed me, or you when you relapsed.” I should have been there for him.
“I’ll take care of her,” he says with assurance. “You don’t have to.”
“I know you will.” I shoot him a soft smile.
“My point is, long before her heart eventually gave out, I went numb. I used hockey as my escape. I blamed her love for my father, which she never had for me, for ruining her. I never wanted that kind of love or heartbreak.” Knowing what I do now, I was probably an unwanted reminder of him.
Regardless, I have no example of how to love, none whatsoever.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Jax.
All I know is that I can’t live without you.
So please stop being a little brat and tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it. ”
He releases my hand and rakes his fingers through his hair. “If you’re going to pretend there’s nothing between us, I want to be traded to another team.”
I swerve into the other lane before I catch myself. “No.”
“I’m not sitting outside your office listening to someone else flirt with you. Just fucking trade me.”
“I’m not trading you.”
“Then I’ll ask Robert.”
“Robert is not trading you!” My voice is nearly a growl. “It’d be a terrible business decision. Besides, I told him we’re together.”
Jax flounders but quickly recovers. “Good. Then he has reason to trade me.”
I scoff. “That will never happen. I will never let that happen.”
He throws off his seat belt and faces me fully. “Why? You were fine coaching without me last night.”
“No. Robert is going to tell Patty?—”
“I want you to tell Patty. I want you to acknowledge you’re in a relationship.” His jaw tics. “I’m starting to think Reece was right. It’d be nothing for you to put a ring on your finger. If you wanted to, you would.”
“Really?” I raise my brows and cock my head to the side. “Is that how you’re playing this? If you wanted me to wear one, why didn’t you offer?”
“Yes, blame me for your lack of self-control—again.”
“Self-control? You’re the one who broke into Patty’s office because you thought we were fucking.”
“Hey.” He shrugs. “It’s just sex, right? Patty. Aurora. Me. What’s the difference?”
“Seriously?” I say with an incredulous chuckle. “You’re such a fucking brat. Don’t worry. By tomorrow, everyone will think we’re sleeping together.”
“We are sleeping together. Or we were until you started screwing around.”
“Oh my fucking God!” I can’t help but laugh at his ridiculousness. “I’m gonna get your name tattooed on my dick so you’ll shut the fuck up.”
“You might wanna go with Aurora. Fewer letters. I doubt mine will fit.”
Steering with one hand, I grab his nape and tug him to me. “Why don’t you open your mouth and gag on it? Tell me how it fits.”
He lays his head in the crook of my neck and adjusts his pants. “Jesus, don’t make me hard while I’m mad at you.”
I tangle my fingers in his perfectly messy hair. “You’re insatiable, you know that? You have no reason to be mad at me.”
He makes a whiny noise that’s part disagreement and part pout.
“It doesn’t matter who flirts with me. I’m not going anywhere. It means nothing.”
“It does to me. It does to Aurora.”
“Okay. It won’t happen again.” I brush my lips over his stupidly soft hair. “Now, please, put your seat belt back on.”