Chapter 26
Jackson
Seated on the windowsill, Bennett tries to sneak in another question. “When did you first learn your father was holding women hostage?” If she’s aiming for nonchalant, friendly conversation, she’s failing miserably.
My impulse is to yell, “I didn’t know! I was a fucking child! It wasn’t only women he was holding hostage, you fucking idiot.”
But we’re at the hospital, in front of everyone, and I suppress the anger and embarrassment. Ethan predicted this. He was smart enough to call Rocco. I was focused more on my fear and guilt.
I peer over at Dimitri, who’s also a lawyer, of the criminal type, and he gives a curt nod.
Her wording is open to interpretation, and I state my answer as advised. “I had no knowledge of the house on Skid Row. I listed all the properties I was aware of.”
My body won’t stop trembling. Forget having nightmares—I’m living a nightmare.
That’s a stretch, I tell myself. Shit could be worse. I could’ve been locked in a cell. I could’ve been tortured.
But fuck, I’d rather it be me. I’d rather fight these fuckers than see any of our family hurt. I’d rather die.
I can’t look at Lucas without wanting to end it all. If it wasn’t for the woman on my lap and the man next to me, I’d do it. I’d end all this pain.
Aurora holds my hand against her stomach, reminding me of what I have to live for, but it also reminds me of what I need to protect, what I risk losing. There’s no longer a possibility of her being hurt or worse; it’s inevitable if we stay in LA.
Reece is injured, and she’s pregnant, for fuck’s sake. I should’ve listened to Ethan. She needs to go to New York, but I can’t function without her.
My eyes find his. I blink away the tears and swallow the tight lump in my throat. I open my mouth, but before I can say anything, he leans in and cups the back of my head.
“I know, baby. I got it,” he whispers, his warm breath tickling my neck. “I’ll make sure everyone is taken care of. You focus on this interrogation, that’s all.” His lips brush my temple as he pulls away.
“According to this text from Hugo…” Bennett holds up her phone and reads aloud. “He wrote, ‘I miss you, but your pretty girl will do. I’m saving the spot just for her,’ and it’s accompanied by a picture of a cell in the basement of the Skid Row property.”
Aurora gasps and turns to look at me. I glare at Reece on the other side of her and clench my jaw so hard, the muscle spasms.
His face twists with remorse. “Sorry. In order to get a unit to follow Ethan and Aurora home and extra security at the hotel, I had to provide evidence.”
Despite my fury, Bennett continues, “To me, that sounds as if you’ve been in that cell.” She enunciates each word as if she’s cross-examining me on the witness stand.
My body lights on fire then goes ice cold. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. The intrusive thought repeats, though in this moment, I doubt it’s intrusive.
The flashback hits violently. I’m rocking back and forth, my arms wrapped around my knees, repeating those exact words in my mind.
I stare down at my bright-white sneakers, a stark contrast to the damp, nasty floor I’m huddled on. They’re scuffed, and when I try to wipe them clean, my smaller fingers smear blood and dirt across the canvas. It’s impossible to get them clean, and I stare at those shoes for days.
Ethan clasps the back of my neck. “We’re done,” he growls, low and harsh. “You can bring him in if you need to question him. Don’t contact us otherwise.”
His thumb caresses my skin, and reality returns in waves. My heavy breaths whoosh in my ears, though I can’t fill my lungs. My heart slams against my rib cage. I’m shivering, and Aurora is no longer on my lap. She sits with the Viking but holds my hand.
I lean forward and glance down at my boots. Brown, oiled and waxed, broken-in leather. Unnecessary relief washes over me—or maybe it’s relief for twelve-year-old me who never wore white sneakers again, but the numbness remains.
Lucas clears his throat and breaks the silence.
“You won’t beat these sick bastards following the rules,” he says to Bennett.
“They’re playing outside the law while you’re restricting our abilities.
I could’ve researched them a long time ago.
Based on what I found, we would’ve known who to concentrate on.
Instead, you had me focused on those in this room who’ve hurt no one.
Then, you take me off the case for inappropriate behavior.
” He gestures to his best friend. “Reece isn’t returning.
He has a family to protect because you can’t.
If we want to put an end to these predators, we need to work together, not alienate our only source of information. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Desi chuckles, and Dante glowers at Bennett, daring her to respond unkindly.
She cocks her head and raises her brows. “I’ll let that last comment slide. You’re asking me to allow you to hack into the LAPD and all its employees. Do you know what will happen in court if that information comes to light?”
“I’m not asking for your permission. I no longer work for you. I’m giving you the opportunity to have that knowledge and use it wisely.”
“If not,” Dante continues, “these assholes won’t make it to court. They’ll be dead.”
The late-night air on the balcony is chilly, and goosebumps prickle along my arms. I grab a blanket from the back of a chair and wrap it around my shoulders. Aurora must have been using it; I can’t imagine why else it’d be out here.
More guilt churns in my stomach. She hates this place—too many terrible memories.
I’ve done everything I could to prevent her from having to return, yet here we are, at my downtown penthouse.
It’s safest and closest to the hospital, and she swears she’s not bothered, but still… it only adds to my misery.
I find the farthest lounger from the door, away from the panoramic windows, and stare out at the never-ending lights. Everyone is inside, including Rocco and Dimitri, and I need a breather. This is the first I’ve been alone since this nightmare began.
For a moment, I allow myself to envision climbing the glass barrier and taking a skydive. The free fall into oblivion is not as appealing as it used to be, but only because it’d kill Aurora too. And maybe Ethan.
The solitude doesn’t last long, maybe five minutes, before I sense him approaching.
He swings his leg over the chair, sits behind me, and draws me into his chest. “Reece is keeping Aurora busy, and the other two are unpacking.”
I make a sound of acknowledgment, my throat too constricted to speak.
His touch dispels the numbness, my emotions rise to the surface, and I pull out of his embrace to stop from shattering.
“Turn around,” he demands.
I know he won’t let it slide, and I shift to face him, my head hung, my eyes downcast. I can’t meet his gaze. If I do, I’ll break.
He raises my chin. “Look at me.”
A part of me wants to defy him, to argue. Maybe he’ll punish me, force me. I crave the fight, the physical pain, but I lack the energy and glance up.
“How bad is it? Don’t lie. You promised to tell me.”
My lips tremble. “I want to die.”
A tear escapes, and he wipes it away. “You can’t die. I can’t live without you. Aurora can’t live without you.”
He wraps himself around me and lifts me onto his lap as if I’m not six-three and two-hundred pounds. He relaxes into the pillows, widening his knees, and tucks my face into his throat.
This would be sexy as fuck if I wasn’t battling depression—that bitch.
“You need to let go, Jax.” He runs his fingers up my neck and into my hair. “You don’t have to be strong for me. Fall apart. I got you.”
I’ve always had to be strong. For my mother, for my father, for the media, for Aurora…but for Ethan, I don’t have to pretend. He accepts me for who I am, and my walls crumble. I collapse into him, and my body racks with sobs.
I let it all out—the guilt, the shame, the torment…
He clutches me to him, his pulse pounding against mine.
“You’re breaking my heart, baby boy. Hold on a little longer for me.
I promise I’ll give you the life you deserve.
I’ll never leave your side. You’ll wake each morning with your head on my chest, your arm around me.
You want a yacht? Fuck it. Get a yacht. Buy a jet for all I care.
We’ll explore the world if that’s your dream.
And I’ll be with you every step of the way, fighting your demons, until you’re sick of me. ”
With each word, my tears and hopelessness subside. “I’ll never be sick of you.”
He kisses my temple and plays with my hair.
“I love you. I love your scent. You smell like the beach and goddamn sunshine. I love how you taste. I love your snarky attitude. I love how you feel in my arms, as if you’ve always belonged there.
You can’t leave me, Jax.” His tone turns rough, his touch desperate.
“I wouldn’t survive. Do you need to see someone? ”
“No,” I choke. “The last thing I need is to be locked away from you and Aurora. I won’t harm myself.”
“Will you tell me if it becomes too much? Anytime? Anywhere?”
I swallow hard. “Yes.”
“Do we need to pinky promise?”
I stifle a weak, breathy chuckle. “No.”
“You wanna talk about it? Reece said you have flashbacks—and before you get mad, he has them too, from the military. He’s worried about you and pissed at Bennett for the way she handled that…fucking interrogation.”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
He releases a heavy sigh. “Okay. Just know I’m always here. I’ll never think differently of you. Is there anything you need?”
“I kind of like being on your lap.”
He barks out a laugh, deep and throaty. “You wanna sit on my lap and listen to how I met Dimitri?”
“Yes. Of course.”
He drapes the blanket over me and recalls the first time he remembers his mother overdosing, how he screamed for her to wake up, how he ran to the diner and stayed with the twins’ father.
“They gave me dinner and a bath every night. We went to the park and out for ice cream. I had new clothes and coloring books and shit I never had. That’s when I realized my life wasn’t normal.
Kids aren’t left alone. They don’t go without food. ”
Again and again, he somehow eases my anguish, this time by giving me his to focus on instead of my own. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m the same as your mother—an addict.”
“You’re not. I recognized it the first night we met. Even tipsy, you were full of emotion, full of fight. You wanted Aurora back. It was obvious you loved her. My mom had nothing left. Whatever love she had was locked away with my father.”
Silence falls between us, but it’s not awkward or uncomfortable. I meant it when I said I liked being on his lap. Honestly, I’m quite fond of it.
I slip my hand under his shirt and draw circles on his heated skin. “They kept me in that cell for days with no food or water.” I start to tremble and stop. That was the least of it, and I can’t go on.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’d kill every motherfucker who touched you if I could. The twins took care of the assholes who hurt Lucas—Des has a video for you when you’re ready.” Ethan rests his forehead on mine and kisses my lips. “Lucas will be okay. We’re all going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”