Lily
Enough of that! My mind is taking me places I don’t want to go.
I don’t know what happened after the shooting started, or who got hurt, if anyone. There’s no use in worrying about it when I can do nothing to help. If anyone should be worrying, it’s Ivan, and he’s seemingly unbothered by violence.
I dry myself in the fluffy towel hanging on a gold bar next to the shower. I feel like I’m being rushed, even though nobody is telling me to move quickly except myself. I just don’t want Ivan to see me before I’ve had a chance to get dressed.
The t-shirt he gave me is soft against my skin as I pull it over my head, and it falls to just above my knees. Not enough to feel fully covered, but I don’t have anything else to wear. My underwear is so wet that even rolling them up in the towel to soak up the water wouldn’t help.
I pull my hair back into a loose ponytail, squeezing some of the water off the tip onto the sink. The mirror is foggy, but I don’t want to see what I look like. It doesn’t matter if Ivan thinks I’m pretty or not. Totally irrelevant.
I turn toward the door, but second guess myself, turning back to the mirror and using my forearm to wipe the condensation away. The face I’m met with is pink and a little blotchy, but I don’t look as bad as I had imagined. I didn’t wear makeup to Dimitri’s funeral because I felt like it would be performative, so there’s no mascara smudged around my eyes.
I smile at myself in the mirror, trying to replace the sorry in my eyes with hope, but it’s difficult. I already struggled with seeing the good in the world, and now that Dimitri is gone, I doubt there’s any good left.
Ivan certainly isn’t a shining example of virtue, and that’s who I’m stuck with for the time being.
I pull at the hem of my oversized shirt as I open the bathroom door, trying to hide my knees from Ivan. I’ve always been self-conscious about them. They’re a bit knobby and no matter what I wear, I feel like people’s eyes are drawn to them.
It’s my imagination, I’ve been told, but that doesn’t stop me from interpreting wandering eyes as being judgmental ones.
Ivan, on the contrary, doesn’t even look at my legs. His eyes meet mine and light up immediately, and he jumps up from the bed, tossing his book to the side. “Lily, you look like a brand-new woman. How did you find the shower?”
“Um, good,” I say, feeling shy for no discernable reason.
“Great, and you see, I didn’t even peek,” Ivan says, a smile dancing across his mouth. “Although I’ll admit, I was tempted to.”
My nipples harden, but I pretend I’m disgusted by his words, pulling my head back and scrunching up my nose at him. “Don’t be a perv.”
He shrugs. “I can’t help it.”
I cross my arms, thankful for an excuse to hide my nipples that are poking through my shirt. The lack of a bra is making this humiliating for me, and the thinness of the fabric isn’t helping either.
Ivan takes a step toward me, and I let out a yelp.
He shakes his head, running his fingers through his wet curls. “Oh, Lily, you’re a jumpy little one, aren’t you? I think Dimitri mentioned that. Nervous like a little deer.”
“He never said that about me,” I snap. “Don’t put words in his mouth.”
“He certainly said something of the manner, but that was years ago. I suppose you’re braver now, but circumstances have brought out the old you. Am I correct?”
I hate that he’s right. I used to be the biggest wimp in the world, cowering at every obstacle and challenge that came at me. I couldn’t stand up for myself until Dimitri took me under his wing and showed me how. I became strong.
That all seems to have melted away with his death, and I’m terrified it won’t return. I’ve been reduced to a weak little deer, just as Ivan sees me.
I clench my jaw, trying to think of something to say. Anything is better than nothing at this point. “Tell me about Dimitri,” I demand, finally arriving at a response that’s useful and direct. “I’ve taken a shower and I’m ready.”
“All in due time. I haven’t gotten cleaned up yet,” he replies, taking another step toward me.
I move sideways, putting more distance between us. “You want to take a shower?”
He nods. “If you’ll allow me.”
He thinks my fear is funny. That tells me a lot about him. He’s cruel when he should be kind. Saving me isn’t enough to redeem him, although he might believe it is.
“You can take a shower. I’ll be waiting for you here,” I say, taking another step away from the bathroom door. I’m not blocking it any longer, and he can go in if he wants.
But he just stands there, his bright green eyes moving over me like he’s trying to analyze my body language.
I try to make myself less readable, shifting my stance and uncrossing my arms. Tragically, this actually reveals more, because now he can see that my nipples are hard.
His eyes find the sharp points in the fabric immediately, and his gaze latches on.
“Stop that,” I say, covering my breasts. “Go take a shower like you said you were going to.”
He walks over to the door to the bathroom, running his large hand along the wood frame. “I need to keep an eye on you, so you don’t run off. You’ll need to be in the bathroom with me.”
An ugly laugh escapes my mouth. “Not a chance in hell.”
“That wasn’t a question, Lily. That was a demand. Get your butt in the bathroom before I spank it,” he warms, rolling up his sleeves to make good on his promise.
I leap through the doorway, letting out a squeak as he follows me in. He chuckles, grabbing my wet clothes from the doorknob and holding them up as he closes the door. “I’ll have these washed and dried, and you should be able to wear them tomorrow.”
I nod, but I’m distracted by the veins popping from his forearm as he holds up my wet clothes. His fingers curl around one of the cups of my bra, and his pinky rests on the crotch of my panties.
No sexual thoughts, please. Jesus, I can’t be thinking about this monster like that.
I turn away from him, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My cheeks are so flushed that it looks like I’ve been hanging upside down for the last fifteen minutes. I need to relax, but I simply can’t. Every moment with Ivan is a rollercoaster of confusing emotions.
And feelings… Something tingles inside of me, a flutter deep in my belly that grows as Ivan drops my clothes on the floor and begins to undress.
The belt is felt. I know it by the jingle of metal and the snap of leather as he pulls it out of the loops of his pants.
Then, the zipper. He hasn’t even taken his shirt off yet, and he’s already removing his pants. I don’t have to see him to know that he’s going to take his underwear off next.
Stars dance in front of my eyes, and I start to feel dizzy. I exhale, realizing I’ve been holding my breath the entire time Ivan’s been undressing. The only thing worse than having to endure his presence while he’s naked in the shower would be to pass out and have him rush over to me with his cock and balls hanging in front of my face.
I’m not sure I’d ever be able to live that down, not because it would be horrifying, but because I know I’d never be able to get the image out of my head. I could never look at him without thinking of his penis, and that would be dangerous in a totally different way than today has been.
I brace myself against the wall by the toilet, my entire body stiff as a board as I hear him walk over to the shower. He must be completely naked now, but by the quickness of his steps, I know he’s not ashamed of it. If anything, he’s enjoying putting me through this.
“Do I have to stay in here? I’m not going to run away,” I ask as he rolls the shower door open.
“You get to stay here. Most women would be overjoyed to watch me shower,” he replies.
I would turn around and slap the egregious ego out of him, but then I’d have to see him naked.
All I can do is stand in silence as Ivan gets into the shower, humming to himself as he washes the sweat and dirt off from today. For a moment, I feel like we’re married, sharing a bathroom after coming back from a funeral. It’s cathartic to imagine, but I’d rather die than marry someone like Ivan.
For one, he’s full of himself. No matter how big and handsome he is, that would prevent me from liking him. I prefer humble men, the type who will buy me flowers and make me feel special. Ivan would probably jerk himself off in front of me and proclaim that he’s the one who deserves flowers for it.
The water turns off a minute later, and I hear the door slide open. “Could you hand me a towel?”
I was almost relaxed, but my shoulders jerk up to my ears the moment I hear his deep voice. Remembering his words about me being a scared little deer, I force my body to relax, rolling my tongue over my teeth in annoyance instead.
“Towel please,” he says, his voice louder.
I groan. “Get the towel yourself, Ivan. Are you a baby?”
“Suit yourself,” he replies, and I immediately regret my words. His wet feet slap against the marble floor as he walks toward me, and a shadow falls over my body as he comes to a stop behind me.
I look over my shoulder, locked onto his eyes so that I don’t see what’s down below. “What are you doing?”
“My towel. You put it somewhere,” he replies. Water rolls from a curl on his forehead down his face, tracing the shape of his nose before settling into the crack between his lips. He licks it away, and I feel a flutter in my belly again.
My nipples tighten, and I groan internally. How can I be so instinctually attracted to a man I’m disgusted with? It defies nature.
“I don’t know where you towel is. I left it on the…” I look around, avoiding his direction. “Ah, there it is. You can see it, idiot. It’s on the rod by the door.”
He smirks. “Thanks, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me that,” I snap.
He turns away, and my eyes flicker down to his butt. I shouldn’t look, but the taper of his muscular back pulls my eyes down. His hips are narrow, but there’s power in his thighs.
Goodness, so much power.
A towel drops in front of my glorious view, saving me from getting drawn in too deep. If he caught me staring, that would be the end of it. He’d know that he could lure me into even more depraved activities.
And for the love of all things sacred, I can’t allow that to happen.