Chapter 24
The weeks fly by, but the days feel longer than ever. We’re still waiting to hear back on the research for Project G after it was passed on to a couple of trusted scientists that do regular work for the Bratva.
So far, no significant progress has been made, and it’s starting to get to Ivan. He’s become more introspective, and a little distracted from his regular duties. He spends a lot of his time by the pond with the ducks, or at the shooting range perfecting his aim.
I spend as much time with him as I can, but it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. I haven’t been off the property in almost two months, and I’m starting to feel restless.
But that’s not the worst of it. I’ve missed my period several times already, and I think I know why.
I’ve been pushing the idea away ever since I spent the first night with Ivan, but it’s gotten to the point where I literally feel sick to my stomach over it.
Morning sickness. I read about this online, and I’m certain that I’m either experiencing that, or I’ve fooled myself into such horrible anxiety that I’ve given myself the same symptoms.
And while anxiety can give a person nausea, it doesn’t come with sore breasts and an instinctual feeling that something is growing inside of you.
I feel like mothers know eventually when they’re pregnant. There are so many changes that happen hormonally, and I’ve been all over the place emotionally since the symptoms started to set in.
Even Ivan has started to notice, commenting on my sudden changes from hot to cold, from the perfect vixen to the nastiest bitch. He thinks he’s just uncovered a new part of my personality, but that’s not the case. I’ve never been like this before, and I think I know why I’m suddenly behaving differently.
I wring my hands as he stands by the pond, watching the ducks as they take flight. He loves the ducks. Loves to feed them, loves to watch them, and he’ll even chase after them occasionally because he thinks they sound funny when they’re quacking.
I always laugh when I see him out there. It’s a little strange, but that’s why it’s adorable. Who would expect a three-hundred-pound tower of muscle to be in love with ducks.
Well, I hope he’s as in love with the idea of chasing kids around the yard as he is with chasing ducks.
“Those ducks need a break,” I say as he watches them flying up past the house.
He looks back at me, his eyes squinting through the slanted afternoon sunlight. “Do they? I think they’re getting fat from the food I’ve been putting out. Might need to chase them some more.”
A laugh escapes my mouth despite the tightness in my chest. Ivan notices this, and cocks his head to the side. “Is something the matter? I wasn’t ignoring you. I was about to come inside and make dinner.”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” I reply. God, he’s such a sweetheart. Nobody would ever think such a beast could have such a kind soul, but he does. Everything he does is for me, and he always tries his best to make me happy.
I’m the luckiest woman alive, so I hope my concerns don’t end up ruining this for me. I never even asked if he wanted kids before taking all those risks. I could’ve gotten on birth control, or at least used a condom, but I was so caught up in how good it felt that I didn’t care.
Hello, consequences.
“There’s something you wish to tell me,” Ivan says, taking my hands and looking at me with concern in his dazzling green eyes. They look like emerald flames in the sunlight.
I look at my feet, weaving my toes between the cool green blades of grass. I wish there was an easier way to do this, but the only way is the most direct. I need to get over my fears and come out in the open with the truth, no matter what happens as a result.
I look up at Ivan, and all I see is love in his eyes. Even if he doesn’t want kids, will he still have that look? Will I still be able to look at him and see the adoration he has for me, or will I be met with disgust and rejection?
It kills me inside to even consider that, but the fear still weighs heavy on my chest.
“You know how I’ve been a little… emotional lately?” I ask, squeezing his steady hands.
“That’s understandable, considering everything you’ve been through,” he replies.
I smile at his attempt to be so reasonable. “Yes, but it’s been a lot, and I’m sorry for it.”
“Don’t be.”
I sigh. “Jesus, Ivan, you’re making this difficult.”
“What? Why?” he asks, worry etched into his handsome face. “Are you trying to break up with me?”
“No, nothing like that,” I assure him. I can’t stand to see the worry on his face. I don’t want him to feel an ounce of pain from me. I want him to be nothing but happy, and that’s what makes this so hard. I’m unsure if this will ruin everything, but that’s nothing I can do at this point to stop it.
“Tell me. I’m begging you, Lily. Don’t torture me this way,” he says, squeezing my hands again.
“Yes, yes, I’m sorry. I’m nervous,” I say, trying again to buy a bit more time. “I’ll tell you.”
He looks at me expectantly, nervousness still shimmering in his beautiful eyes. How can a man so strong and certain ever be worried about anything? I shouldn’t have this kind of power over him. It makes me feel guilty.
But I’d feel even more guilty if I didn’t tell him the truth. “Ivan,” I begin slowly. “I think I’m pregnant.”
His expression flat lines in an instant, becoming unreadable, and he pulls his head back. “Pregnant?”
I nod, tears welling up in my eyes despite my best efforts to keep them at bay. “I’m almost certain. It’s been long enough to really start feeling the symptoms, and they’re only getting stronger.”
He nods, his eyebrows coming together in a serious frown. “This is very important news, Lily. We need to get you to a doctor so that we can ensure you have a healthy pregnancy.”
There’s an awful lump in my throat that can’t simply be swallowed away, but his gentle words make it a little better. “You’re not… mad?” I ask.
“What? Are you kidding me? How could I be mad?” he asks, dropping to his knees and looking up at me with pure love in his eyes. “You’re a goddess to me, Lily. You’re the very definition of beauty and perfection. This is a dream come true for me, and I hope you feel the same.”
Tears stream down my face, and I struggle to wipe them away. “It is, Ivan. It’s everything I wanted and more.”
He plants a kiss on my belly, staying there for several seconds before looking up at me again. “My darling, you are going to be the best mother. I already know it.”
I laugh through my tears, tugging at his hands to bring him to his feet again. “Ivan, you’re the best. Really. I can’t imagine doing something like this without you.”
“You’ll never be without me,” he says, his voice dropping into a deep seriousness. “You will never go a day without joy or have to watch the sunset alone. I promise you that.”
I give him a doubtful look. “You really think you can be here all the time?”
A smile pulls up the corners of his mouth. “Ah, I didn’t say me, though. It could also be our child.”
I laugh, putting my hand on my belly and rubbing it. “I suppose that’s fair. We need to find out whether I am pregnant, first, but I feel like I know. I’m ninety-nine percent sure.”
“Let’s make it one-hundred,” he says, taking my hand and lacing his fingers with mine. “I know a doctor who can tell you with complete accuracy. Tests fail sometimes.”
I nod, drying the rest of my tears as I realize we’re in this together. Ivan is a wonderful man, and he’s going to be the best father. I couldn’t have ended up with anyone better. He’s amazing in every way, fitting me like a puzzle piece.