Chapter 26
The solarium was a large circular space, the ceiling and walls made entirely of glass framed with delicate pale stone. Sunlight beamed in from above, keeping the room at a balmy temperature and providing light for the hundreds of plants and trees living inside.
Ava perched on a tufted settee, across from the queen who sipped her tea and regarded Ava warily. A fountain sat nearby, the trickle of flowing water a balm to her nerves.
“This is a beautiful space.” Ava surveyed the powder pink blooms hanging from the tree above her, fidgeting with a loose thread on her pants.
The queen nodded, but remained silent, her golden hair shimmering in the afternoon sun.
“It’s not Casimir’s fault, you know,” Ava blurted, unable to stand the silence any longer.
The queen tilted her head as if waiting for her to go on.
“I’ve seen the way you look at him. Like he’s a thorn in your side. You despise him for just existing when it’s really your husband you should be angry with.”
Ava knew this was bold, and though she didn’t want to offend Seraphina, she couldn’t help but defend Casimir. He didn’t want to be here, yet he came to ask for help. And the way his family treated him infuriated her.
“Why don’t you say what you came here to say? My personal business is none of your concern.”
The queen had never spoken this much around Ava, and she had to mask her surprise at her frankness. Normally quiet and demure, perhaps this was how she truly was.
Ava took a sip of tea, clutching her cup in her hands. “I don’t believe your husband wants to help in the war. I was hoping to get your thoughts on his position.”
“My position is whatever his is.”
“He truly doesn’t care?” Ava asked. “He’d rather see Eorhan potentially destroyed than help defeat our enemies?”
“Orion may be sharp around the edges, but he’s not a liar. If he says he won’t help, then he won’t. His mind is not easily swayed.”
Ava snorted. “Sharp around the edges. That’s one way to put it.”
“Do not insult me or my family in my home,” Seraphina said, her voice with a slight edge.
So, she did have a backbone. Just not around her husband.
Ava took a breath, urging herself to stay calm. “I apologize. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Apology accepted.” Seraphina took a sip of tea. “I’ll give you two more minutes, then I would like to enjoy my afternoon in peace.”
Ava sat upright. Two minutes? This would never work. Without time to ease into it and earn the respect of the queen, Ava decided to lay it all out there and hope she could get Seraphina to see reason.
“You think your kingdom is safe now, and maybe it is. But eventually it won’t be. When Andras is finally on your doorstep, there will be no one left to help you. The magic of your kingdom is powerful. We need you. Are you really going to sit by and watch while the world is torn apart?”
Seraphina stared at her, no emotion on her face aside from irritation. “Anything else?”
“Seraphina, please.”
“Your Majesty,” she corrected.
“Yes. Sorry. Your Majesty.”
This was going so poorly. Though she had succeeded in Saxumdale, Ava knew she was terrible at diplomacy. And Saxumdale wasn’t even a good enough gauge of her abilities since Astrid and Soren were friends with her brother.
Ava took a breath. “I’ve been told you all have powerful healing magic as well.
That could make or break our victory. With your starlight, healing and other abilities, it could turn the tide of this war.
We barely won the battle to take Igneothenia back.
We only did because I found animals to help us.
And that wasn’t even the entirety of the daemon forces. ”
“I’m going to be honest with you. You’re wasting your breath. No one can convince Orion to do anything. Not even me.”
“You won’t even try?” Ava asked, setting her cup down.
“No. I will not. So, like I said. You’re wasting your time and mine.”
What else could she say? People had already died fighting this war and there would be more to come. People like Remy. Trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill at the thought of her friend and what he gave up, Ava met eyes with the queen, prepared to keep going.
“Your time is up,” Seraphina said before Ava had a chance to speak again.
“What? No. Please,” Ava continued, trying to swallow her grief. She wasn’t going to leave now. She would make her listen.
“Guards,” Seraphina called, “Escort Her Highness back to her suite.”
“Wait.”
Two guards wearing golden armor approached. “Come with us, please.”
Ava’s grief transformed into anger as her temper got the better of her. “You don’t care about anyone but yourselves up here. You’re a coward. You’re not protecting your people like this, just delaying their deaths. Eventually, the daemons will come after you too.”
The guards lifted her from the couch, one holding each of Ava’s arms, but she was so angry, she couldn’t see straight. She yanked out of their grip. “I’m not going anywhere until you listen to me.”
“Get her out of my sight,” Seraphina said.
They grasped her again, leading her away. “Our friends are down there right now facing who knows what and you have barely batted an eye. I was tortured by them! So was Casimir! I can’t believe you don’t care!”
Seraphina regarded her with a hint of distaste.
Ava saw red, fighting and struggling against the guards.
“I know the way back. Let me go,” she said.
“Her Majesty said to escort you back to your suite.”
Tears pricked her eyes at the humiliation of being dragged away.
She shouldn’t have spoken that way to Seraphina or lost her temper.
It was her own fault they were practically manhandling her, but she couldn’t help it.
Citizens and soldiers were dying, and no one here cared.
Raine was down there. And her brother…and the rest of her friends and family.
They could be fighting right now for all she knew.
They could be dying while Ava was up here, safe in the clouds.
She attempted to pull away again, but their grip tightened around her arms. “Let go,” she ordered. “You’re hurting me.”
They ignored her.
A slight pressure took root in her chest. Her breathing sped up, her vision wavered, her heart raced. She was on the verge of a panic attack.
Shit. Not now. Not here.
It was as if all the deaths came rushing back, Remy’s especially still raw. What was the point of getting the book if they had no hope of winning the war? Every death was in vain if they lost in the end anyway.
They were now in the hallway near her suite.
Casimir yanked the door open and rushed forward. “Get your hands off her right now before I make you,” he ordered.
They released her, walking away without another word. The moment they rounded the corner, the dam broke and Ava burst into tears, trying to catch her breath.
She had failed.
Casimir didn’t hesitate to scoop her up and carry her inside, kicking the door closed behind him.
He took a seat on the couch near the fireplace, keeping her in his lap.
“Breathe, love.” He cupped her face. “Look at me and take a deep breath.”
She followed his instructions.
“That’s it. Again.”
It didn’t take long for her to get her breathing under control. Casimir pulled her head to lie in the crook of his neck. She took a deep breath and inhaled his comforting scent of cedar and sage.
“Take a moment to steady yourself and then tell me what happened.”
She sighed, wiping the tears still falling. But she didn’t feel the panic anymore. She just felt…exhausted.
“This feels pointless,” she said. “They don’t care.”
“Why were the guards dragging you through the hallway?”
“I lost my temper and yelled at the queen,” she whispered.
“She was just so nonchalant about this war. She didn’t seem to care at all that people are dying.
I just kept thinking of the people we’ve already lost. I don’t know how to do this.
And I can’t stop thinking about losing Remy and almost losing you and—”
The tears fell in earnest again, the scab of her grief picked raw. Because grief didn’t disappear. Instead, it shifted and merged and became a part of you, rearing its ugly head whenever it so chose.
“Shhh…” Casimir whispered, rubbing soothing circles on her back. “I know, love.”
They sat in silence for a long while, Casimir murmuring to her as she stained his shirt with her tears. She hadn’t cried this hard in a long time, but needed the release. And it wasn’t only about the queen saying no…it was everything.
The deaths. The battles. The brutality of war. The stress of her task. The fact that things had changed with Andras and now it was like they didn’t even know what they were facing. She had grown so much these last few months and most of the time she was confident. Determined to succeed.
But right now, she felt helpless.
Ava moved, laying her head in Casimir’s lap.
He ran his fingers through her hair as she stared at the fire, tears finally dry.
And that right there was one of the the things she loved about him the most. He could always sense exactly what she needed; his comforting, steadying presence; his calm to her storm.
The door opened and footsteps approached. Quinn and Jorrar took their seats across from her.
“I take it things didn’t go well?” Quinn asked.
“I messed up,” Ava said. “She’s not going to help. She doesn’t seem to care. Then I called her a coward.”
Quinn smiled at her. “Good. Because she is a coward. Now get up.”
Ava met Quinn’s stern gaze. “What?”
“No more moping. Sit up and listen to me.”
Ava pushed herself off Casimir’s lap and sat, waiting.
“I’m glad she has you to be all sweet and caring, Cas, but right now she needs a pissed off lady warrior to give her a lecture.”
Ava took a deep breath. “Alright. Let me have it, lady warrior.”
Quinn gave her a subtle smirk. “You’re allowed to be upset, but wallowing in self-pity won’t accomplish what we came here to do.”
“I wasn’t wa—”
“You were wallowing. I could see it on your face. You’re right.
The queen is a coward. You shouldn’t be ashamed of losing your temper and yelling at her.
Because she obviously deserved it. That plan didn’t work so now it’s on to something else.
It is not the time to give up. You can’t go back and change how that meeting went, so come up with a new idea. ”
Quinn stopped and looked around the room hesitantly, brushing her black braid over her shoulder. “I’m only going to tell you about this once. The guys already know. And no, I don’t ever want to talk about it again, okay?”
“Okay,” Ava whispered.
“I had a twin sister. We were polar opposites—I was harsh and stern; she was kind and caring. We were both young and had just joined the army. Casimir wasn’t the general yet, he was one of us.
There was a battle we fought, and my sister got distracted by her emotions.
One of her close friends had been cut down and she couldn’t fight through it.
Couldn’t go on. She was so distraught and distracted, it got her killed. ”
“I’m so sorry, Quinn,” Ava said.
“I don’t want your pity. I’m just telling you there is a time and a place for tears. You’ve obviously already cried over this meeting. Now stop and pull yourself together. Because if you let this drag you down, then we will surely fail. You can’t lead with your emotions. You must push past that.”
Ava nodded. Quinn was right.
“You remind me of her,” Quinn’s voice was now a whisper. “The first day I met you, it hit me. She was just like you. She had a terrible habit of overthinking everything and talking herself into a panic, always questioning herself.”
Ava let out a small laugh.
“But she was also kind. And funny. Like you are…It’s why I’m so hard on you. I—” Quinn blinked rapidly. “I don’t want to see you meet the same fate. The world lost a gentle soul that day and I’ll be damned if I let it happen again.”