Chapter 46
FORTY-SIX
MEREDITH
Tonight’s cattle-drive party has a different feel. It’s to be expected. There’s no Ransom with his booming laugh joking around with Carlos. Holly’s not darting to and from the house to replenish beer in the cooler or refill the lemonade pitcher.
Calder and his brothers are building a fire in the metal pit they dragged out of the shop.
Chickens dart around in the background, and the barn cats are hanging out in the barn door, watching us.
Carlos stands by, giving the guys advice as if they haven’t done this for twenty years, and that’s probably accurate.
Esme sighs and picks up paper plates left on the picnic table, which we also dragged out of the equipment shop.
“I’m going to grab my husband before he gets drunk on s’mores.
The man will chew through a whole pack of marshmallows and be up all night with a stomachache.
Then he’ll groan all morning from the sugar hangover. ”
She gives Sawyer and me a quick hug.
While Esme drags Carlos away, Calder’s gaze lands on me before dropping to my bare legs.
I still have my cowboy boots on, but after cleaning up, I slipped into a summer dress.
A mischievous part of me wanted him to see what he was missing.
The logical side knew I didn’t measure up to the ethereal beauties he must date.
His intense gaze suggests otherwise, and so does the simmering pain in his eyes.
“Today couldn’t have been more awkward.” Sawyer opens the box of graham crackers, putting her back to the three men surrounding a glowing firepit. “He’s been giving you mopey looks all day.”
“He’s still leaving in the morning.”
She gives me an understanding smile and squeezes my hand. “You’ll never lose me.”
In this moment, I can sympathize with Calder.
I would never want Sawyer out of my life.
We’ve been through a lot together, but there’s a limited dynamic now.
We only have each other. There’s Carlos and Bea, and they’re like family.
But my emergency contact is Sawyer, and I’m hers.
Wherever I go, I won’t go far. And because of that, I won’t fault Calder for wanting to spare what he and his brothers have after losing both parents.
“The fire’s going.” Sawyer goes to the cooler at the end of the picnic table and pulls the handle up. “Time to have a beer and let them know of our decision.”
I flip my braid over my shoulder and steel myself for the upcoming conversation. My feet are as heavy as a full keg as I make my way to the fire. Chairs have been dragged out and line the firepit, one side kept open where the wind is blowing the smoke.
Sawyer takes the second one in from the gap, saving me from having to sit by Calder. I drop into the seat. This whole thing feels very middle school, except no boys in middle school were interested in me. In the end, this boy isn’t interested enough in me.
It doesn’t stop me from wanting him. It didn’t lessen how much I missed him when I slept alone in Sawyer’s guest room, suffering from a sugar hangover that rivaled any Carlos would have had. And it doesn’t change the constant hum in my body when he’s around.
I carefully cross my legs and pull my skirt down.
The wind isn’t that strong, but I’ve been paranoid about a random gust blowing my hem up too high.
The guys may have built the fire, but I’m playing with it.
I skipped the underwear, teasing myself that if Calder knew, he would go out of his mind.
I’m usually the logical one, not fueled by emotions, but the delusion’s getting me through a day of watching him on horseback like he’s ridden every day of his life.
It’s giving me a little support when he’s swaggering around helping Bowen and Landry grill steaks, and then while I watch his strong form toss horseshoes.
A game of Horseshoes is not supposed to be sexy.
Calder takes the seat on the chair that’s not quite across from me. He’s still got his cowboy hat on, and it’s shading his face. I let my gaze stroke along his shadowed jaw the way I’d like to do with my fingers.
How can I miss him so much when he’s right here?
Why did I have to fall for him so fast? I was a girl obsessed as soon as he marched into the brewery that first day looking like sin in a suit.
When I caught the cracks in his armor right after he first stepped into the office—when it hit him that his dad was really gone—my heart opened to him, and it never closed.
I twist my fingers together on my lap, not bothering to look up when Bowen returns with the s’mores ingredients.
“I think Carlos snuck half the supplies,” he says, setting them at the base of his chair. He sits and kicks his boots out.
We all stare at the crackling fire, none of us going for the sweets. Sparks dart and flutter around the logs.
“Jesus,” Landry says. “Carlos and Esme took the party with them.”
Chuckles sound around the firepit. Are we all thinking about how much is going to change tomorrow?
Sawyer looks at me and tips her head. I hear her unspoken statement. Now’s as good of a time as any.
Calder’s hot stare weighs heavy on me. He must’ve seen the interaction.
I have to go for it before I lose my nerve. “I agree to sell.”
Only the static of the fire makes noise. Even the chickens by the fence line seem to stand still.
“What?” That one word leaves Calder’s mouth in a quiet, hard tone.
I lift my chin. I made the decision. If I thought I was strong enough to stay, then I need to be strong enough to let go. “I agree to sell. Much as I love what I do and where I live, I can see that it’s not allowing any of us to move on.”
Bowen sits up, the heels of his boots dragging on the ground, and rests his arms on his knees. “You’re sure? You’ll both be good without this place?”
Sawyer tips her head. “I thought you’d be happy.”
“No, I’m pleased.” He sounds wooden. “It’ll be a relief.”
“Less I have to worry about.” Landry’s tone fits his statement, but his thousand-yard stare into the flames says something different.
Is the reality hitting them that everything they thought they wanted to leave behind will truly be gone?
The house they grew up in? Sold. That smashed-up car in the shop that captured their Dad’s final breaths?
Scrapped. The barn, the shop, the cattle, the brewery—hell, even the name will change under the new owners—all gone. No longer theirs. No longer mine.
My chest aches. The price of change isn’t always easy, but neither is running the companies while they live their lives. I’m going to make something for myself, even if it’s just a cozy life with a steady job, Blue, and the cats.
“This is what you want?” Calder asks softly, his tone heavy, like he’s hoping for me to say no.
No, it’s not what I want. But I’m ready to do what I need to do to make this pain stop.
I meet his guarded gaze. “Yes. It is.”
He lets out a long exhale. “Okay.”
“Yep, I’m in,” Landry says with less enthusiasm than I expected.
Bowen drops his chin, his gaze on the concrete pad. “Same.”
My throat burns, and if I look at Calder, I might cry. “Then it’s unanimous.”