19
EMERSYN
“A Thornton, really, Em? You know how much I fucking hate them.”
“Surprisingly, this isn’t about you,” I shot back.
“Oh, come on, we used to make fun of them. Fuck, it’s the whole reason you started your little website. They’ve been handed everything on a silver platter. They’ve never had to work a day in their whole lives.”
“Gabe works. He—”
“I said he’s never had to, not that he hasn’t.” Conrad crossed his arms, mimicking my stance, and glared back at me. “It’s a dangerous game you’re playing here, Em. You’re playing with fire,” he warned. “He would never forgive you if he found out. Don’t come running to me if you get burned.”
I lifted my chin, staring at him defiantly, determined not to let him see my fear. “If I get burned?” Conrad didn’t realize exactly how much I knew, but he had to at least suspect. Curiosity always got the better of me. I was never content with half a story.
“Don’t threaten me, Em. We’re in this together.” Conrad took a deep breath and leaned back against the door. “When are you going to stop this nonsense? We’re married, Em. Doesn’t that mean something to you?”
“Not for much longer. Physically and emotionally, we’re separated.” I crossed my arms, inadvertently shielding my left arm from him.
Conrad sighed and reached out to rest his hand on my shoulder. It took everything within me not to recoil. My jaw hurt from the way my teeth were clenched together, and I had to take a deep breath to remind myself that I was okay. Everything was okay. Conrad brought back too many memories I wanted to forget.
“I could really use your help with this new project I’m working on,” he said. “We were so good together, Em. I don’t understand why you want to toss it all away.”
“You know exactly why, Conrad.” My heart was still beating rapidly despite my doing everything I could to keep calm.
“How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face? I’ve said I was sorry, and it’s not like I did it on purpose.”
With a groan of annoyance, I attempted to push past him and unlock the door, but he blocked me.
“Don’t forget, Em, I know the real you. I’m not blinded by your deception like your pretty little rich boy out there. You’re nothing more than an addict. You give no thought to how your actions affect others. Don’t forget what happened the last time you tried to leave me.”
“I’m not trying to leave you, Conrad. I have left. I will never be with you again. You’re nothing to me but a part of my past I’d rather forget.”
Conrad blinked, as though my insults were nothing more than a speck of dust hitting his face. “You’re still my wife.”
“I don’t love you. I never did.” My voice shook as I said the words.
“Stop lying to yourself. Your parents can see the truth. They know you need me. You’re useless without me. Remember, Em, I know the real you,” he said, repeating his previous accusation.
“Not even I know the real me.” I reached past him and twisted the lock of the door open.
He gripped my arm, and panic ripped through me as his fingers dug into my scars. “But I love you.” If it was supposed to sound like a supplication, it didn’t. It sounded like a demand.
“We’re not good together. We hurt each other.” I pushed back the tears that threatened and lowered my voice. “We hurt other people.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. People are always hurting the ones they love; it’s part of life. If there was no pain, how would we know pleasure? You belong with me, Em.”
“You hurt me.” It was one of the first times I’d said the words out loud, and instantly tears pricked my eyes as the memory came back.
“Are you going to throw that in my face again? You know there are two sides to that story.”
“You’re hurting me again now.” My gaze fell to where his fingers were viciously wrapped around my arm, and he let go, holding up his hands as if pleading innocence.
“We were both going through a lot back then. I wasn’t myself,” he snapped. “I lost my shit. You lost your shit. If I could take back what happened, I would. But you know I’m not the only one to blame, and yet you keep throwing it in my face. We need to move on.”
“I have moved on. It’s you who won’t.”
“For fuck’s sake!” He ran his hands through his hair and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “It’s like you’ve twisted everything around in your head to make it seem like I’m some sort of villain. I’m not the villain, Em. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always love you.”
I shuddered as his words filled the small space. In his mind, maybe they sounded sincere, but to me, they felt like nothing more than a threat.
I shoved past him and opened the door. “Goodbye, Conrad,” I said as I stormed out.
But he followed. “So what? You’re with him now? That long-haired Tarzan wannabe? I know you, Em. He’ll never love you like I loved you. You’re mine. You always will be.”
His voice trailed after me down the hall, echoing in my ears until it all became too much, and I started to cry. I hated crying. The last thing I wanted was to appear weak.
Ducking into an empty room, I took a moment to recover until my breathing slowed and my tears dried. Then I walked into the dining room with my head held high, even if my eyes were still a little glassy.
Conrad was back at the table, engaged in conversation as though nothing had happened. He looked up when I entered and said, “I was afraid you’d fallen down the toilet,” laughing as though it were the greatest joke ever.
“Come on, Gabe,” I said, ignoring Conrad. “We’re leaving.”
“Leaving?” Gabe looked up in surprise, but as soon as he saw my face, he pushed his chair out from the table. “Thanks for the meal, Mr and Mrs Cabot.”
“Leaving?” Collette repeated. “You’re leaving? But why? You’ve only just arrived. There are matters we need to discuss.”
Conrad covered my mother’s hand with his own, patting it gently. “Let her go, Collette. She’s obviously in no state for family dinners.” He gave her a knowing look. “She probably needs to go home and sleep it off. Be grateful she’s got at least a little food in her stomach.”
I grabbed Gabe’s hand and stormed out without a backward glance.
“You okay?” Gabe asked as soon as we were outside.
“I’m fine,” I snapped.
Gabe climbed into the car. “You don’t sound fine.”
“Well, I am.”
Gabe just lifted his brows and started driving. He kept glancing over at me. I folded my arms and stared out the window, but I could still feel each time he flicked his gaze my way. I bit my lip when it started to tremble. I tried to blink back the tears, but they came anyway.
Gabe pulled over to the side of the road.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice tight.
Leaning over, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me close and hugging me tightly. Then the tears flowed freely. I started to cry and ended up sobbing. Gabe just held me, his hand stroking my hair, his mouth pressed close to my scalp, whispering, “It’s okay. It’s okay,” over and over.
I cried until there were no tears left, and then I pulled away, wiping my eyes and attempting to laugh at my meltdown.
“I’m so sorry about all that. I never meant for you to…” I sighed, unable to finish the sentence. “I should have told you about Conrad and my father,” I finally said. “I think I need a drink,” I added between choked laughter and tears. “Or something to smoke. Maybe both.”
For a moment, a flicker of hesitation crossed his face. But then he simply said, “Roof?” And I nodded.
We drove by the store, and Gabe bought tequila. He didn’t say anything as we climbed the ladder and sat down on the roof, passing the bottle between us. I knew I shouldn’t be drinking. I knew it reinforced everything Conrad had said about me, but I was past caring. I needed to forget, even if it was only for a few hours.
Finally, after many, many mouthfuls, he spoke. “Are we talking about what happened or not?” The bottle of tequila dangled between his fingers. I watched it sway back and forth, transfixed by the movement.
“Not,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t even want to think about him.” I grabbed the bottle and took another swig. I loved the way it burned my throat. I loved the numb feeling that spread throughout my body, but most importantly, throughout my mind.
The world fell quiet. Then the sadness hit me again. I hated how Conrad twisted everything. He blamed me for what happened; I knew he did. He couldn’t see his own issues, or he didn’t want to at least. Looking back, I failed to see how I ever fell for him. I guess at the time I was too preoccupied with escaping what I thought was a prison built by my parents to realize I’d willingly walked straight into another.
The alcohol was making things worse. My tears threatened to come back again. My throat tightened. So I took another drink.
“Hey,” Gabe said, taking the bottle from me. “You might want to slow down a little.” He got to his feet and wandered to the edge of the roof. “It’s probably a little dangerous to be up here drinking.” He stared at the ground below.
“Don’t worry,” I replied, latching onto a reason to take my mind off Conrad. “I’ve taken precautions.”
“How?”
“Take a look.” I moved closer but didn’t join him at the edge. “There’s a mattress lying on the grass. Brittney and Tara use it to sunbathe, but really it’s there in case I ever fall off.”
Gabe chuckled. “Glad to know you’re taking your safety seriously.” He looked back at me, and I had an insane impulse to wrap my arms around him, press my cheek to his back, and draw in his warmth. A shudder ran over me. I pretended it was from the cold, but really, it was me trying to suppress the urge to touch him.
“You cold? I’m cold,” I said without waiting for his reply. “I’m going to get some blankets.”
I climbed down the ladder and opened the wardrobe, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Who was I kidding, trying to pretend I was okay? I looked far from okay. My mascara was smudged beneath my eyes, making me look as though I hadn’t slept in years. My hair was messy and tousled by the wind. My skin was pale and clammy. I quickly tried to reassemble myself, but it was rather pointless.
Climbing back up the ladder with blankets in tow, I tossed them onto the roof. Gabe and I nestled between them and stared up at the darkness. I rustled under the blankets until I found his hand and grasped it tightly.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He just squeezed my hand back, not needing to ask what I was thanking him for.
The stars began to blur above me, and I snuggled into Gabe’s side, trying to soak in any warmth. My free hand fell to his chest. My fingers rubbed back and forth over the swell of his pec muscle. Then I dipped lower, moving under his t-shirt and stroking his bare skin.
Gabe sucked in a breath. His belly constricted with the movement. “What are you doing?” he whispered into the darkness.
“Nothing,” I replied, my thoughts and actions dulled by the tequila.
“You’re drunk,” he murmured as I climbed on top of him, laying my body flush against his.
“Ding, ding, ding,” I vaguely remembered saying. “Ten points for you.”
My chin rested on his chest as I stared up at him. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the sky, pointedly keeping his gaze averted, his chest tight with a held breath. I could see the pulse in his neck. It throbbed rhythmically, begging me to taste it. So I did. I leaned upward, drawing my body over his until my lips rested over the echo of his heartbeat. Thud. Thud. Thud. I ran my tongue over it and marveled at how the small patch of flesh could be both soft and rough.
“You’re so beautiful.” I heard the words but didn’t recall consciously deciding to say them.
“Syn.” My name came from his lips like a hiss. His hands gripped my shoulders. “Please don’t,” he begged.
I sat up. “You don’t want me?” I scoffed.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Sure it isn’t.” I threw off the blankets and attempted to stand, but I swayed and ended up back on my ass beside him.
“Here.” Gabe tucked me to his side. “Just try to go to sleep, okay?”
And that was the last thing I remembered until I regained consciousness just as the sun was beginning to rise. It was so bright that I slammed my eyes back closed. I was no longer pressed against Gabe’s side, but I could sense he was awake and staring at me.
I groaned internally. I felt like shit. Memories from the night before were blurred in my mind. I remembered being pressed against his body. I recalled the sound of him saying my name like a hiss. I remembered the taste of his skin. Oh god, did we sleep together? Did I fuck everything up? Did I do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t?
A wave of nausea washed over me, leaving me feeling more hungover than I’d ever remembered feeling. How much of that bottle of tequila had I consumed?
“Just kill me now,” I moaned out loud.
“Morning.” I could tell by the tone of Gabe’s voice that he was smirking.
I opened one eye. I was right. There was a conceited smirk smeared across his face.
“Please tell me we didn’t…” I didn’t finish. I couldn’t say the words out loud.
“Do you think we slept together?” Gabe asked. “Shit no. You were way too drunk for that. Like you were gone.” He snorted. “You were paralytic, wasted, plastered, sloshed, three sheets to the wind.”
“Okay, okay, I get the picture.” I held my hands over my face, wishing I could wipe the fragments of last night from my memory. “Impressive big words,” I grunted in Gabe’s direction.
“Thanks. I googled slang words for drunk while you were snoring.”
I pushed myself upward, attempting to ignore the throbbing in my head as Gabe kept talking.
“You tried though.” His smirk grew wider. “You wanted me. You wanted me bad. You were frothing, randy—”
“Randy?” I repeated groggily.
“Yeah.” Gabe sighed. “Google kind of let me down with that one.”
“I’m going to go have a shower,” I said, getting to my feet and squinting against the brightness of the sun.
“Believe me,” Gabe called out as I stumbled my way to the ladder. “You would have remembered if we’d slept together. I would have blown your mind. You wouldn’t have been able to think of anything else!”
His laughter followed me all the way down the ladder, but at least it brought a little relief. I didn’t sleep with him. I didn’t fuck everything up. I could still do this, but I needed to distance myself from Gabe a little, at least physically. Last night was too close a call. I couldn’t let my guard down like that again. I needed to remember why I was friends with Gabe, and it wasn’t so I could get into his pants. And I also needed to remind myself why I never could.