Chapter Twenty-Three
Jakob
Declan and Rowan put on their gloves before climbing into the ring and setting their stances.
They tap gloves and start dancing around each other.
Quickly I notice that Declan’s striking out, but Rowan’s just blocking his shots.
I’m watching them with rapt attention when Mac moves to stand beside me.
“He’s not going to hit him. He’ll block his shots and let Dec tire himself out. That’s when he’ll break. I’m going to be honest, it’s not a fun thing to go through or to witness. He won’t blame you if you leave now.” Mac mumbles.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to stay.” My eyes never leave Declan’s as he fights his demons, quite literally.
We watch him for another ten or so minutes before he begins to slow down and that’s when it happens.
Tears begin streaming down his face as he continues to throw kicks and punches at his big brother.
He throws a half hearted punch, and Rowan grabs his hand and pulls him until he’s crashing into him.
Declan collapses into his arms as Rowan tells him the same thing over and over again.
“It’s not your fault. You aren’t alone anymore, and we’re going to figure this out together.”
I watch until Declan slowly pulls his composure back in place.
His eyes lock on mine. Even red rimmed, they’re the most breathtaking eyes I’ve ever seen.
I don’t say a word. Instead, I opt to hold a hand out to him.
Without another word he jumps from the ring and walks straight over to me.
He tosses his gloves onto the shelf where they belong, takes my hand, and leads me from the gym all the way to the front door and to my truck.
“Where do you want to go, Engel?” I ask him while climbing into the driver’s seat.
“Home. Take me home, Chaos.” He whispers from the passenger seat.
Without any additional prompting, I drive us to my house in complete silence.
It isn’t awkward like one would think it should be.
My heart is tattered and broken for the sexual abuse he’s endured in silence for all these years.
However, that makes none of this awkward.
He’s been taken advantage of and if I have a say in this, he’ll be getting therapy and we’ll be working through it all.
This handsome, sweet man has been left broken by this vile monster.
And I swear that if he doesn’t, I’ll pull the trigger my damn self.
I knew something was off. I’ve known for a while.
The way he stiffens when someone touches him unexpectedly, the way he physically recoiled when I said something was going on between her and him.
God, I’m a fucking idiot. The signs are all there.
Why didn’t I see it? I was too blinded by misplaced rage and jealousy.
If I had put my pride aside years ago, it wouldn’t have gotten this bad.
I would have been able to do something about it.
By the time we’re pulling up to the house, I’ve been beating myself up the whole way and just want to profusely apologize but I also know him well enough to know he’s going to tell me to shut the hell up.
Before he can climb out of the truck, I reach over and grab his hand.
One thing I’ve noticed is that he never flinches away from me.
He just flips his hand and laces our fingers before looking at me.
“We’re going to get past this, right? I know we have a lot to talk about, but we’re still in our truce. This isn’t the beginning of the end?” The way he looks at me is like a spear to the gut.
How could he think I’m going to bail out on us? Well, I guess that’s because I have before. When I really think about it, he has a right to think like that, but this time I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this, full stop.
“You couldn’t keep me away if you tried.” I give him a small smile as I squeeze his hand three times.
That’s a thing Lee and Annie have always done.
They’re big Taylor Swift fans, and I guess it has something to do with one of her songs.
I don’t know, but I do know we all do it when we want to remind someone that we love them.
He gifts me with a full smile before we both climb out of the truck and head into the house from the attached garage.
“Can we talk in bed? I’m beat.” He yawns. Aside from the emotionally taxing shit he has had to deal with, he’s also still recovering from his concussion. I’m sure he’s about to fall flat on his face.
“Yeah, baby. Whatever you want.” He takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom, where we both undress down to our boxers.
He climbs into the side of the bed closest to the door and once he gets comfortable, he smiles at me triumphantly. Any other time I’d laugh, but about this I just look at him incredulously.
“Declan, move. It’s my turn to sleep there.”
“But I’ve had a hard day. You’re going to kick me to the other side of the bed after the day I had?” He makes the most pitiful face, which would typically have me folding.
“Yes, I actually am. You’re going to move over because it’s my night to keep you safe.” I tell him sternly.
“You’re such an asshole.” He grumbles as he scoots over to the other side so I can climb into my rightful spot for the night.
We started fighting about who got to sleep by the door when he first started coming over to sleep when I got off work.
We both have been trained from a young age to always sleep closest to the door just in case something happens.
It started with Declan arguing that he was better trained for the door but quickly became an agreement that we’d share since I seriously can’t sleep if I’m not closest to the door.
Now we trade off nights, and we don’t argue about it anymore.
Clearly he thought he could get one over on me tonight.
Too bad for him, I’m not missing a night of sleep.
It’s also a rule that whoever gets the door also gets to be the big spoon. He won’t admit it because he’s as stubborn as they come, but he needs to be held after what he’s told us. I get comfortable and reach my hand over to grasp his. He’s fidgeting as anxiety radiates from him.
“Okay, so you just told me and your entire family something incredibly personal that you’ve been keeping a secret for a long time.”
“Yeah. I can’t do it anymore, Jake. I can’t fight for her.
I can’t get knocked out by some guy that I’d crush with my pinky anymore.
Most importantly, I can’t wake up to that again.
I just want to stay on my –or neutral– territory, do my job, and love my family.
I want to help people when I’m able to and come home every night to hang out with my best friend.
Admittedly, my best friend that I fuck, but you know what I mean. ”
“Wow, you’re so poetic, Declan.” Sarcasm drips from my words, causing him to laugh.
“I’m serious. I don’t want to do that shit anymore, and I can’t stop if no one knows what’s at stake if I do.”
“I’m so fucking sorry that you’ve carried this on your shoulder for so long. I should have questioned you about it sooner. I realized something was up a few years ago.” My head hangs between my shoulders.
“No, you don’t do that. I wouldn’t have told you anything because I wasn’t ready.
You wouldn’t have gotten it out of me a second sooner than tonight.
It had to be my decision.” His thumb lightly grazes the back of my hand.
“Do you have any questions for me?” I catch him peeking over at me from my peripheral vision.
“Does it bother you when we touch? I see you, you know? When you stiffen or slowly remove yourself from other people’s grasps.
Even when you startle if you don’t see it coming.
Should I ask before I grab your hand or anything?
I used to have to do that with Lelonie when she first came to live with us.
It’s not a big deal if it would make you more comfortable. ”
His head is shaking before I even finish, “No, it doesn’t bother me.
Don’t ask me the psychology behind that because I have no idea why, but your touch doesn’t pull that reaction out of me.
It makes me feel less alone. Your touch makes me feel like when you walk through the door after the longest day.
You know, that moment when all the tension just leaves your body as you crash on the couch with the game you’ve waited all day to watch and your favorite takeout on the way?
It’s like that. It’s like when you’re out in the heat for just a little too long and then the wind whips around you.
Or when you’re watching the sun set and the sky just turned that pinkish purplish color.
It’s like the exact moment the endorphins hit you while you’re working out.
Or the moment little hands wrap around your neck because they think you’re the best Uncle to ever touch this Earth.
I don’t know why it doesn’t scare me, Chaos.
But if I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably because I’m hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you. ”
Tears are streaming down my face as his glistening emerald orbs lock onto my ice blue ones.
“You asshole, I wanted to say it first, but how do I even top that?” A watery laugh bursts out of me as I wipe my eyes.
“Just tell me you love me back.” He smiles.