28. Save the ones we can, let go of the ones we can’t.
Chapter 28
Save the ones we can, let go of the ones we can’t.
Christian
T ime drags on, each agonizing second stretching into an eternity. It feels like hours have passed since I found her, time ticking away the minutes with cruel indifference.
Chase arrived within minutes of my call, his face pale, his eyes wide with shock. He must have broken every traffic law in the county to get here so quickly. The sirens of the emergency vehicles wailed in the distance behind his arrival.
I sit on the steps, my head bowed, the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders. This is too much. My soul, already fractured and weary, feels like it’s about to shatter completely. I don’t know if I can bear this, if I can survive the emotional wreckage of this tragedy.
“The EMT thinks she’s been gone for more than twenty-four hours,” Chase says as he takes a seat next to me. “Won’t know for sure until after the autopsy.”
“I figured as much.” I kick a rock with my foot, and it goes flying into the air.
“You okay?” Chase asks.
I shake my head.
He rubs the back of his neck and sighs. “Yeah, I’m not either. As much as Mom hurt me, I didn’t want this for her.”
“I knew she was getting worse.” I confess. “We should have done more to help her.”
“What were we supposed to do? She didn’t want help.”
“I don’t know.” I kick another rock. This one doesn’t go very far. It barely rolls across the ground. “I didn’t want help, and you guys still saved me.”
“That’s not true.” Chase nudges his shoulder against mine. “You didn’t want to die. Not for a second. I’m not so sure that’s true about Mom. You can’t save someone who isn’t willing to participate in their own rescue. That’s where you and Mom are different. You participated.”
“What are we going to do without her?” I ask and immediately regret expressing my thoughts. Chase probably won’t miss her at all, but I will. “Don’t answer that.”
He lets out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, I’m not gonna lie to you, bro. I won’t miss cleaning her up. But I didn’t want this either. She’s my mom too, and I loved her in my own way. But I mostly wanted her to get better for you.”
“I know.” I reach into my pocket, grasping for the comfort of a smoke, but am left empty-handed. I groan. Amongst the chaos, I forgot I quit. “Can’t help but feel like we still could’ve done more. We were all she had.”
“What else could we have done? We paid her rent, fed her, cleaned her up, trashed her drugs when we found them. We cared for her when no one else would. The only person who could have gotten her clean was herself. She didn’t want that.”
“I know you’re right, but I still don’t want to accept that. Everyone wants to live.” I go back to kicking rocks. It’s the only thing bringing me solace. “Fuck, I want a cigarette.”
Chase raises a brow. “Still haven’t smoked?”
I shake my head. “Have to. For Lia and the baby. They don’t need that shit around them.”
Chase wraps his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s a very grown-up decision. I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah, well. I can’t be selfish my entire life. It’s time I put them first.”
“It’s weird how great that feels, isn’t it?”
I snort. “A little bit, yeah.”
“You going to trade that bike in for a minivan too?” Chase teases.
I jab him in the side with my elbow, making him chuckle. “Don’t push my buttons.”
Instead of releasing me, he hugs me closer. “Pushing buttons is what I do best.”
“Asshole.” I shove Chase away, making him laugh even harder. His teasing makes me smile too. It’s a smile I really need right now. It’s difficult for me to see the positive in this world on a good day, let alone on a shitty day like this.
“Boys, I’m going to need to ask you some questions,” Ricky says as he steps outside.
He towers over us with a grim expression on his face. It’s hard to take him seriously sometimes with his Elvis Presley hair and sideburns. At least with his uniform, we’re spared his rhinestone studded jacket. Only in Beaver would there be an Elvis Presley look-alike cop.
“Sure thing.” Chase jumps to his feet. “What do you need to know?”
Ricky flips his mini notepad open and shuffles through the pages. “Did you two arrive together?”
“No, Christian got here first,” Chase says.
“So, you’re the one who found her?” he asks me.
I nod.
“Did you move her body?”
“No. All I did was check for a pulse. I knew it was pointless. Her eyes were empty.”
He scribbles a note before he looks at me. “What about drugs? Did you find any in the apartment?”
I nod again. “There was a pile of coke on the coffee table, along with some weed.”
Ricky looks behind him. His eyes fix on the mess I made in the living room when I tossed the coffee table. “So you did that?”
“Yeah.”
He’s quiet for several seconds like he’s waiting for me to elaborate, but I don’t. What else is there to say?
“May I ask why?” He probes.
I jump to my feet and pace on the sidewalk. This is the truth I don’t want to admit, but he’s not going to leave me with any other option.
“I’m an addict,” I say. “Always will be. I was so close to taking a hit that it angered me. So I eliminated it as an option.”
Ricky raises a brow and stares at me. “You destroyed evidence so you wouldn’t use it?”
“Did you not hear me?” I yell, poking myself in the chest. “I’m an addict! You can’t put drugs in front of an addict and expect them to not crave a hit. It was either that,” I point inside the apartment, “or else that shit was going to be inside me. I can’t go back to that.”
Ricky raises his hands in a calming motion. “I’m not judging or reprimanding you. Just trying to get the facts.”
“It feels like judgment.” I admit.
“Sorry,” Ricky says, and he sounds like he really means it. He’s found me one too many times in the past, completely strung out and barely hanging onto life. He knows how far I’m capable of falling.
I stop and rest my hands on my hips. Taking several deep breaths, I calm myself before I look at Ricky. “No, I’m sorry. You’re just doing your job.”
He nods before he continues. “Any evidence of anyone else in the apartment?”
I shrug. “Not when I found her, but she didn’t make that mess by herself. She throws parties all the time.”
“Any idea who she hangs with?”
“Not really. I don’t keep up with that crowd anymore. It’s probably safe to assume any of the other addicts around these parts are intimate with Mom. Find the lowest of the low, and I guarantee they know her.”
“Do you know who sells her drugs?” he asks.
I shake my head. “It changes all the time. She doesn’t have money, so she uses people until they’re sick of her. Then she finds someone else willing to share.”
“When was the last time you saw her alive?”
“We visit her one Sunday a month,” Chase says. “Our last visit was three weeks ago, I think.”
Ricky makes note of that before he looks at me. “What made you stop by today?”
“I’m struggling with some life choices. Seeing Mom always helps me find clarity.”
“Are any of these life choices due to—” His radio cracks, interrupting him.
A female voice echoes around us. “We have an assault and possible hostage situation at Williams’ Family Market in Beaver. Any units in the area? Please respond.”
Ricky grabs his radio and answers. “I’m right around the corner. On my way.” He hooks his radio back to his chest and looks at us. “Well, boys. I’m sorry, but this is going to have to wait.”
“Of course, we understand,” Chase says.
“We’re going to get a crew in here to sweep the place and log evidence. Until they’re done, I need you two to stay out. Clear?”
“Yeah, not a problem.” Chase calls after him. Ricky is halfway to his police car when Tanner Koch’s truck speeds past like he’s in the race of his life.
“What the fuck,” Chase says.
My heart plummets as I watch his truck disappear down the road, the tires screaming in protest as he accelerates. Fear grips me, clouding my judgment.
“No,” I whisper, the word a desperate plea against the rising tide of dread.
Only one scenario could explain that reckless burst of speed, only one reason for the frantic urgency propelling him forward.
My blood runs cold, the chilling realization sinking in with a sickening thud.
I sprint past Ricky, ignoring his startled calls, and jump onto my bike. My girl is in danger. I can feel it, a primal instinct, a desperate need to protect her.
Today is the day Badger pays the price for his sins. Today, he will feel my wrath. I’ll make sure of it.