Chapter 19 #2
On Saturday, I followed up with the credit companies, but they were still investigating my claim.
Sunday, I took a lazy day at the apartment pool with Nina.
It felt good to do nothing, but Sunday night, my laziness caught up with me.
None of the six school waitlists amounted to any miracles.
Come Monday morning, Nina would either pal to work with me, or I’d have to ask Bill for a full day.
I didn’t think my boss would appreciate a three-year-old underfoot, and because I didn’t have Bill’s phone number, I called Eli.
“Hey.” He sounded winded.
“Hi. Sorry to bother you–”
“No problem. What do you need?”
I bristled at his tone. It wasn’t rude, just efficient. “I was hoping to hear back from a preschool by now. I’m on several waitlists, but …”
“Hold on.” A cacophony of rustles and thumps filled the line, and his next words were muffled. “Hey, Dad? We’re gonna watch Nina tomorrow, right?”
“It’s a full day,” I interjected.
To me, Eli said, “Yeah. No problem. She can hang with us.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Yup. See you tomorrow.”
“Oh! Wait. Can you give me your dad’s number? Just in case?” I could’ve gotten it in the morning, but for some inexplicable reason, I didn’t want to end the call.
“Yeah. I’ll text it.”
“Thanks.”
“You bet.” Then he hung up.
I stared at my phone for a good five minutes, my heart fighting an odd undertow.
A proud expression painted Bill’s face the next morning as he stopped us in front of the closet under the den stairs.
I’d dressed in business casual for my first official, non-training day.
Back to synthetic blouses. I didn’t go so far as a pencil skirt or heels, though.
Nina chose her own outfit, making it her mission to wear every color and pattern she could find.
“I picked up some things this weekend,” Bill said, pulling bag after Walmart bag from the closet.
“Some?” I peered into one such bag to find a watercolor palette, paintbrushes, and a thick pad of craft paper.
He shrugged. “I figured we needed some new activities.”
The next one held a little doll with accessories. Another contained more Play-Doh than a Kindercare. Nina tugged at the bag to see inside. “Ooo! I want that!”
I could cry! But I didn’t, because I’d put on make-up. “Bill, this is so thoughtful. What do I owe you for all this stuff?”
“Mama! Mama, look!” Nina held up a Play-Doh breakfast kit.
Bill waved me off. “Nothing. It was cheap.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. “Wow. This is, just …” It had been so long since I’d had someone in my corner. “Thank you. I wish I could repay you for all this.”
He shook his head. “You already have.”
My chest panged as I watched Nina dig through the new toys. Why did leaving suddenly feel so hard? I used to drop her off every day to head into a full-time job, and think nothing of it. “I made her lunch, and I packed extra clothes. She ate before we came, so she shouldn’t be hungry.” What else?
Bill put a hand on my arm. “We’re going to have a great day. And so will you.”
I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. It was no exaggeration that I wouldn’t have been able to do this without him. “Okay. I’ll see you around six-thirty or so?”
By the time I pulled into Rock ’N Roll, I’d collected my sappy emotions and shoved them in a drawer to savor later.
My whirlwind day culminated with brain fog, a stiff neck, and a smile that stretched cheek to cheek.
Time to see my favorite faces! I grabbed my purse and headed to my truck, shooting off a quick text to August.
Ava: Hey, are you at the ranch?
August: Yes. We are trying something with Denver.
Eli had named the new horse. I had to applaud his choice. It fit the Arabian’s spirit.
Ava: Great! I’ll be there soon.
August: …
Not waiting for the bouncing dots to turn into his next response, I tossed my phone on the bench and drove the twenty-five minutes to Bill’s place.
A yawn snuck out as I pulled the Chevy through the open front gate.
At some point, Eli had stopped locking it.
I still didn’t know what all the fuss had been about.
I reached for my phone to see if August had replied.
August: Eli is gonna take him on the trail
Him? As in, Denver? “What!”
I floored my truck over the gravel, manifesting a storm in my wake, my heart climbing up my throat. The trail? Denver wasn’t ready for that! He’d been there less than a week!
The stable came into view, then the arena, with everyone crowded around it. Eli and Denver stood at the center.
It was too familiar.
Eager crowd. New horse.
I didn’t even remember turning off the engine, just stumbling from the driver’s door.
“Wait!” I shouted. A rock concert bass thudded inside my ribcage.
This couldn’t be happening. “Eli, wait!” When I reached the edge of the arena, I was gasping for breath.
I gripped the rails. Bill, August, and Nina stared at me with wide eyes.
Eli gave me a brief glance, but continued saddling the Arabian.
“Please don’t get on that horse,” I pleaded.
“Why?” Right before my eyes, he fit the leather saddle over the curve in Denver’s back. The horse shifted under the added weight, his nostrils flaring.
Oh God! This can’t be happening. My silence had cost me everything. “It’s not safe. You don’t know this horse.”
August came up beside me and put an arm around my shoulder. “Ava, it’s okay. The horse is good, no? Eli, he has been working with him.”
White hat. Blue sky. Red dirt.
Time couldn’t dull that day. The details swam around me. I was there. Jason’s cowboy hat floating above the scene, stuck in time against a cloudless sky. My eyes fell on Eli’s ball cap. If it went soaring, I’d never forgive myself. “Wh-what if he spooks?”
“He’s not gonna spook,” Eli said.
“You can’t know that.”
“Ava, chill. You’re less likely to die riding a horse than driving a car.”
Bile burned my throat as Eli affixed the bridle.
My eyes stung with frustration and fear.
This was just like before. And no one would listen!
The edges of the scene splintered around me, memories sifting between the cracks.
A breeze lifted the hair at the sides of my face, carrying a tang on its wings.
I wrenched out of August’s arm and shot between the parallel bars into the arena.
“?Ay, chica!” August called.
Denver flinched and sidestepped at my approach.
“I’m going to take Nina inside,” I heard Bill say. “I’ll be right back.”
Eli caught my shoulders at arm's length. “Ava, stop yelling. What are you doing?”
“Get out of the ring!”
He huffed a humorless laugh and let me go. “What’s this? Huh? I know how to ride. You saw me ride.”
Jason was an excellent rider, and it took less than five minutes. Five minutes and he was gone.
I fitted myself between Eli and the horse. Despite the day’s lingering heat, I could feel the breeze of the office fan spinning overhead, see the cobwebs swirling in the airy current.
“You’re not getting on this horse,” I told him. “I won’t let you.”
“You won’t let me?” His eyes jumped to where August stood, then back to me.
I crowded him, shoved my hands at his chest to force him away from Denver.
He winced and staggered backwards. “Jeez, Ava. Knock it off. You’re acting like a punk.”
I wouldn’t. He could call me whatever he wanted.
The squeak in my chair. Flecks of blue nail polish.
August was saying something, but his words just gurgled like the water sloshing from the five-gallon jug.
Shouting. gasps. People with their cameras held high.
The two worlds collided in my head. Somebody call 9-1-1!
I closed my eyes, but I could still hear it.
All of it. What could I have said? What would’ve kept him here with me?
“Stop! Your stupid bravado is going to ruin everything!”
“Ava, what the hell? Get out of the ring!” Eli shouted back.
No! I spun to Denver and whipped the buckle out of the girth strap, yanking the saddle down in one fell swoop.
Denver reared.
“Son of a–”
Without warning, I was flying, skidding across the dirt. Not from a horse. By human hands. I rolled onto my back, stunned and breathless.
Eli fell to his knees, gripping his side. “Jesus, Ava! You could’ve been kicked in the head!”
“I-I–” He was in pain.
“Get out of the ring before you do something stupid!”
I wanted to slap his words back at him. But I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think.
Lifeless eyes staring skyward. Helplessness.
August grabbed Denver’s lead. “Ava, it’s okay. He’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. Jason was dead!
“You didn’t have to go it alone,” Kip had said.
My eyes jumped between the blurry forms of the men around me. No one understood. They kept saying things like, “It’s fine,” “It’s okay.” But it wasn’t.
Past, present, hope, grief. My chest was clawing out of my skin.
I ran. Past the arena. Past the French doors.
Past Marley and Nina. Into solitude. I don’t even know where.
Somewhere I could lock myself up and hide as a chasm ripped me in two.
It didn’t matter how many people I surrounded myself with, how busy I stayed. It followed me.
And in the end, I was always alone.