Chapter 53 Knox
KNOX
SINNERS AND SAINTS GROUP CHAT
Me: Hi.
Axel: HOLY SHIT!! Look who just entered the chat!
Me: I texted you guys in prison. This isn’t the first time.
Axel: But it’s your first LEGIT time in this group chat. And this time, you don’t have to worry about a cavity search if your phone is discovered.
Me: I never had a phone up my ass.
Axel: Sure you didn’t. It’s our little secret. *Winking emoji*
Blake: That’s not even medically possible, Axel. Your colon has a suck zone. Anything that goes past a certain point gets pulled up, and you need surgery to retrieve it.
Axel: Jesus. I have so many follow-up questions.
Jace: Here we go.
Axel: What the fuck is an asshole suck zone? Is it like the colon equivalent of a tornado? And what does it suck things up INTO? Does it ever hit your spine? *Tornado emoji*
Axel: Wait. More important follow-up question.
Axel: How many foreign objects have you had to retrieve from assholes?
Axel: [GIF of a man eating popcorn with a big smirk]
Blake: I swear to God.
Axel: What types of objects have you seen?
Blake: It’s more common than you’d think.
Axel: [GIF of a man rubbing his palms together]
Axel: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever retrieved?
Blake: A porcelain figurine of a saint.
Axel: WHAT?!
Blake: Saint Anthony. Patron saint of lost things. Ironic, really.
Axel: That’s the most poetic thing I’ve ever heard.
Ryker: Can you focus, you immature man-child? I’m sure Knox had a purpose to his text.
Axel: He did, but this is far more interesting. I just found out one of my best friends has a job that requires him to go fishing up assholes for foreign objects. You think I’m not going to keep this conversation going for at least thirty minutes?
Ryker: This is why I don’t feel bad about putting liverwurst on your favorite shoes.
Axel: You WHAT?!
Ryker: Just the faintest drop.
Axel: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! Rainbow chewed a hole in my shoes!
Ryker: I know. *Smirking emoji*
Axel: Those were my FAVORITE shoes!
Ryker: I know.
Axel: You stood there and watched me lose my shit, and YOU were the one who caused it?!
Ryker: You should’ve seen his tantrum, Knox. He looked like a toddler whose Lego tower got knocked over. *Baby emoji*
Axel: Fuck you very much.
Axel: And that gremlin dog didn’t even have the decency to look guilty. She just sat there with her one eye pointing at me and the other eye staring at the ceiling fan.
Ryker: She’s an angel.
Axel: She’s a biohazard with a tail.
Axel: ANYWAY.
Axel: Honest truth. How many cavity searches did you have?
Jace: Shut up, Axel.
Axel: How far up do they go? Do they hit your teeth? Closest the guy’s come to action in 14 years.
Me: Bold words from the man who once got catfished by a sixty-year-old named Brenda.
Ryker: He’s been out of prison for four days, and he’s already roasting you. *Laughing out loud emoji*
Axel: I WAS NINETEEN. And she had a very youthful typing style!
Blake: He still has her number saved.
Axel: FOR CAUTIONARY PURPOSES.
Ryker: Be warned: Axel is somehow even more immature in text than in person.
Axel: PUH-LEASE. Equal. And challenge accepted, Counselor.
Jace: How are you doing, Knox?
Me: A lot has changed since I went away. It’s a little overwhelming.
Axel: Here, let me catch you up. Dinosaurs went extinct. We had two World Wars. We all communicate through technology now. Oh, and Ryker finally lost his virginity.
Ryker: *Middle finger emoji*
Blake: How are you really feeling, Knox? And “fine” isn’t an answer.
Me: Like my life has just begun.
Axel: NOPE.
Axel: I WARNED YOU about being all sappy on us!
Me: You asked.
Axel: I expected something manly! Like “I feel like punching things” or “I could dead-lift a truck” or “I’m going to grow a beard and wrestle a bear.”
Ryker: Those are your only three definitions of masculinity?
Axel: I’m a simple man.
Blake: Knox, ignore him. We’re happy for you.
Axel: We ARE happy. But we’re also allergic to feelings. So, stop with them.
Jace: What are you guys up to today?
Me: Grocery shopping.
Axel: Slow down there. Save some good stuff for later this year.
Me: For the record, I was just texting to say hi, but now, I gotta run. Harper’s ready.
Axel: “Harper’s ready.” Listen to him. Four days out, and he’s already whipped.
Ryker: You’re just mad because a sixty-year-old outplayed you.
Axel: LOW BLOW.
Blake: Be good, Knox. And I mean that medically. You’ve been cleared for all activities, but pace yourself.
Axel: WHOA. Was that a sex joke from BLAKE?!
Jace: I think it was.
Axel: I’m screenshotting this. This is historic.
Ryker: Go. Live your life. We’ll keep Axel from doing anything stupid while you’re gone.
Axel: No promises.
Axel: But seriously, happy for you, man.
Axel: Even if you ARE being sappy about it.
Axel: Now go. Before I get feelings and have to punch something.