If Only
Ryan
If my brother wasn’t already dead, I would kill him all over again. How could she go all those years with him raping her and never tell me this? How could she pretend like everything was fine between them for four whole years? Every single day, acting like nothing was wrong, like he hadn’t hurt her? I’m furious, but I don’t know who to be angry at—her, or myself? Or maybe both of us?
I could have protected her, I should have. Liam may have been older, but I was bigger, stronger. He always took the easier tasks—the ones that kept him out of the dirt and sweat of the real work. He mowed all four acres, handled the maintenance on the farm vehicles, fed the horses, and ran errands into town for Dad. Meanwhile, I was left with the grueling work—the heavy lifting, cleaning out the stalls, keeping the horses groomed and healthy, and fixing the buildings around the property. I did the hard, physical labor that no one else wanted to do, but somehow, I let myself believe I couldn’t do more. I should’ve done more for her.
***
Past
Aviana Age 15 Ryan Age 19
I hear the bus rumbling down the road, and my heart leaps in my chest, a mix of excitement and anxiety flooding through me. I know my parents would never approve—they’d never understand how I feel about her. They’d say it’s wrong, that she’s like my sister, that I can’t have those feelings. But the longer she stays here, the more I’m around her, the harder it becomes to push those feelings away. She’s too young, I keep reminding myself, too young for someone like me. I’m an adult now, and she’s still a child. I have to wait—have to hold back—until she’s 18, until it’s right. But every moment I spend with her, I feel that tight knot of longing grow stronger, harder to ignore.
“Hey Ryan,” she calls from the driveway, her voice bright and carefree, and she waves at me with that infectious smile of hers.
I try my best to ignore her, to stay focused on my work, but it’s impossible. She walks right into the barn, and the light seems to follow her, making her look almost otherworldly, like an angel. In that moment, everything inside me shifts. I know, with a certainty that makes my chest tighten, that she will be mine. I can’t imagine wanting anyone else—not as long as I live. This girl, this beautiful, radiant girl, stole my heart two years ago, the minute she stepped out of that car and walked up to the house. And every day since, she’s only made me fall for her more.
“What are you doing?” she asks, her voice lilting, playful, like she’s teasing me.
“Finishing up grooming Blaze here,” I reply, glancing up at her, “and then I’ve got to clean his paddock outside.”
“Can I help?” she asks, practically bouncing in place like a kid in a candy store, her eyes wide with excitement.
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Don’t you have homework, Avi?”
“Well, yes, but I can help you first, and then you can help me with my homework,” she sings, practically glowing with her enthusiasm.
“What’s your homework?”
“The usual—math and, of course, a ton of history,” she says, her voice trailing off as if it’s nothing, but I can see the weight of it in her eyes.
I groan outwardly this time, not even trying to hide it. It isn’t some computer tech work, which I’d actually enjoy. No, it’s the two subjects I absolutely despise. But if it means being close to her, I’d do anything. Even history and math.
“Yeah, sure,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady, even though my heart’s already racing. “Do you want to grab the shovel and start on the paddock outside? ”
She tilts her head, a playful glint in her eyes. “I was hoping you could show me a thing or two with grooming Blaze,” she says, fluttering her eyelashes at me like she knows exactly what that does to me.
I try to stay cool, fighting back a smile. “Sure thing. Grab that brush over there and start at his neck, just brush the dirt off of him,” I point to the bucket of brushes, hoping I don’t look too eager.
She hesitates, staring at the bucket like it’s a puzzle. “Umm, Ryan, I’m sorry if I sound dumb, but which brush do I use? There are like five in here,” she says, a little laugh escaping her as she tries to figure it out.
I walk over to her, the heat of her presence sending a rush through me. Without thinking, I grab her hand, gently pulling her toward Blaze. Her skin is warm under my touch, and for a moment, I don’t want to let go. I take the dandy brush from the bucket and hand it to her, but then my hand covers hers as I show her the right way to brush him.
Our bodies are close, so close that I can feel the soft rhythm of her breath and the gentle brushstrokes. My hand rests on her waist, keeping her steady as we work together in silence, the world fading away except for the steady sound of brushing the beautiful beast in front of us. My chest tightens, the moment feeling like it’s stretching out forever.
The moment I realize what I’m doing, panic hits me like a freight train. I jerk away from her, almost stumbling as I try to put distance between us, focusing instead on Blaze’s feet. The tension in my body is unbearable, like I’m suffocating in it.
“Are you okay?” she asks, her voice laced with confusion, like she doesn’t understand why I practically ran from her.
I force myself to breathe, swallowing the tightness in my throat. “Uh, yeah… I’m good. Just keep brushing him the way you are. And when you’re done, grab that softer brush and do the same thing.” My words come out clipped, too sharp, and I can hear the strain in my own voice.
“Oh… okay, sure thing.” Her tone falters, a subtle hint of disappointment threading through her words, and I can’t stand it. I know why she sounds like that. She feels it too—the shift, the tension between us, the unspoken something hanging heavy in the air.
If only she was older. If only we weren’t living under the same roof, tangled up in this mess of emotions I can’t seem to control. I could push it all aside if it weren’t for the constant pull, the ache in my chest that won’t go away. So many “if-onlys” running through my mind, and none of them seem to matter. Because here we are, and I’m stuck with wanting her in a way I never should.
“I think I’ll just head inside and get this homework done, Ryan, if that’s okay.”
Her words hit me harder than I expect, the hurt in her voice slamming into me like a wave. I watch her start to walk away, my chest tight. Damn it, I think, pushing through the ache in my gut.
“Avi, hey!” I call out, but my voice is barely a whisper, barely enough to get her attention. I need her to hear me. “Please, Little Bird, turn around.” I try again, but it’s too soft, too weak.
“Avi!” I bark, my feet pounding the ground as I catch up to her. Grabbing her hand, I turn her to face me. The gasp that slips from her lips does something to me. Something deep.
“Avi, I’m sorry,” I say, my voice rough, full of regret. “Whatever I said, whatever I did… I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. If I did, please, just… forgive me.”
She starts to brush me off, her voice shaky. “Ryan, I’m fine, I—”
“No. No, you’re not, Avi,” I snap, the frustration rising in me. “I can see it in your eyes. Don’t lie to me. You’re not fine. Whatever it is, just… tell me what I did. I need to know. I never want to hurt you, not ever, and I need you to trust that.”
Her voice is quiet, almost defeated. “It wasn’t you, Ryan.”
I feel my chest tighten, but I push back the anger, the sting in her words. “We aren’t dating, Avi. Don’t feed me some ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit out of that pretty mouth of yours,” and as soon as the words leave my mouth, I see her blush, the fire creeping up her neck.
“You think I’m pretty?” she asks, like that’s all that matters right now .
“Of course I do,” I grunt, barely holding myself together. “Is that why you’re upset?”
She hesitates, biting her lip. “No, not really. I mean, kind of. It’s just… we were there, you were showing me how to brush Blaze, and then you acted like I was… something to avoid. Like I was the plague or something.”
I can feel the frustration boiling in my blood, but I push it all down. Focus. I need to fix this.
“Avi, listen to me,” I growl, stepping forward, pulling her face into my hands, my palms rough against her skin. I tilt her chin up so she’s looking at me, my voice steady but firm. “You are the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. No one, nothing, could ever compare to how beautiful you are. When I’m around you, I can’t even think straight, let alone breathe. If I had to choose one thing in this life, it wouldn’t be this damn barn. It would be you. Over and over, without hesitation. I’d choose you in a heartbeat.”
Her breath hitches, and she starts to protest. “But Ryan—”
I don’t let her finish. Logic slips away, drowned out by the pounding of my heart, by the unbearable need clawing at my chest. Without thinking—without hesitating—I lean down and capture her lips with mine.
It’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. But the thought of holding back is unbearable. I need this. I need her.
She tenses, a small gasp escaping as her hands press weakly against my chest, but the resistance is fleeting. A single second, and then she gives in, melting into me like she belongs here, like this was inevitable.
Her lips are soft, hesitant, yet full of something raw and unspoken. The weight of the world vanishes—no noise, no guilt, no expectations. Just her. Just us.
And in this moment, nothing has ever felt more right.
***
Avi is in my shower, and it takes every ounce of restraint I have not to go in there and claim her. My body is screaming to make her mine, but I force myself to step outside to clear my head. Then, I hear it—a scream, her voice tearing through the air.
“Nightshade!”
I don’t think, don’t hesitate. I bolt back into the bathroom and find her curled up in the corner of the shower, trembling. I don’t care that I’m fully dressed, I don’t care about anything except getting to her. I scoop her up in one swift motion, wrapping a towel around her fragile form as I carry her to my bedroom.
“I’ve got you, Little Bird,” I whisper, my voice rough, filled with emotion.
I lay her gently on the bed, brushing her wet hair from her face. My heart aches as I see her shivering, her eyes closed tight with terror. “Open your eyes, baby girl. I’m here. You’re safe. Tell me what happened.”
Her voice trembles, barely a whisper. “I… I closed my eyes to wash the shampoo out of my hair, and when I opened them, I thought I saw him standing there.”
“Who?” I demand, my voice dark with a protective rage I can’t suppress. “Who was standing there, Little Bird? I’ll find them. I’ll make sure they never hurt you again.”
Her eyes fill with panic, tears spilling down her cheeks. “He wasn’t real. He can’t be real.”
I freeze, the realization hitting me like a punch to the gut. Liam. The name claws at my insides.
She sobs into my lap, her body trembling uncontrollably. “Liam,” she gasps, her breath shaky. “Liam’s dead, but I saw him. I saw him standing there.”
And it hits me. She doesn’t just think she saw him. She believes she did. Her mind, fractured and spinning, conjured an image of someone long gone—an illusion. A hallucination. I try to process it, but the weight of the truth presses down on me, suffocating any words I might have had. He wasn’t there. Liam isn’t coming back. He’s dead, and that vision in front of her... it wasn’t real.
It was just a ghost in her mind, a leftover fragment of a trauma she couldn’t escape .
I pull her closer, my arms tightening around her as I try to steady my own breath. I need to stay calm for her.
“Sit up, Little Bird,” I say, my voice softer now, trying to give her comfort. “Let’s get you dressed.”
I pull off my hoodie, leaving me in a shirt, slipping it over her wet body, tossing the towel to the floor. Her vulnerability tugs at my heart, and I feel the weight of my need to protect her.
“I’ll be right back,” I murmur, but before I can leave, her voice stops me.
“Nightshade, please don’t leave me.”
The desperation in her words hits me like a punch to the gut. I turn back and crawl onto the bed, sitting behind her. She rolls into me, instinctively seeking the comfort of my arms. I let her, holding her close as I brush my fingers gently through her damp hair. We stay like that, in the quiet, just her and me, as she slowly falls asleep. The sound of her soft breathing is the only thing that fills the room.
I will protect her. I won’t let anyone hurt her ever again.