Realization
Aviana
The warm water rushes over me, washing away the dirt, the exhaustion, but not the weight pressing down on my chest. I close my eyes, feeling the heat of the water, but my mind refuses to quiet.
I heard him say it in my dream, I heard him.
“I’m sorry, Little Bird”
The words Nightshade spoke—“ Little Bird, my sweet, sweet Avi” —echo in my head, whispering like a prayer. His voice, though warped and obscured by the mask, still feels familiar. How many times has he called me that? How many times has that nickname settled into my bones, as if it has belonged there for eternity?
Nightshade said it.
“God dammit, Little Bird, don’t ever leave me again.”
But it wasn’t just him.
A memory stirs, hazy at first, then sharp as a knife.
Ryan.
“No one’s ever going to hurt you again, do you understand me Little Bird?”
A shiver runs down my spine, cutting through the heat of the water. My stomach knots so tightly it almost hurts. My hands press against the cool tile as I force myself to breathe, to think.
Ryan and Nightshade.
The way Ryan looked at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. The way Nightshade felt when he held me, his touch very familiar, as if I already belonged to him .
I gasp, my head spinning.
They’re the same.
Oh, God.
I turn the water off and grab for the nearest towel, wrapping it around me with shaky hands. Every part of me trembles as I step out. Realizing I have no clothes but the shirt I was wearing, courtesy of Nightshade — Ryan — I threw that over my head quickly. I am now realizing something I should have realized a long time ago.
Why was I so blind to see it? How did I not put two and two together?
By the time I open the door to the bathroom and walk through the bedroom, I can smell the food Nightshade — Ryan — had cooked. Smells delicious whatever it is and makes my stomach rumble.
He is setting the table, standing there in a black shirt and black sweats looking just as disheveled as his emotions. He spots me enter the room and places a plate on the table, crosses his arms over his chest looking me over like he wants me to be the meal. His mask is still on, but now, it feels pointless.
There’s something pulling me in, something stronger than reason, heavier than fear. My hands lift before I can stop them, my fingers sliding into his hair, smoothing it back, trying to make sense of what I already know but can’t yet accept.
Then I see him.
I see the man who kissed me in the barn—desperate, unrestrained, as if he was starving for me.
I see the man who held me while I was sick, whispering words I wasn’t supposed to hear.
I see the man who pulled me from the darkness, from his brother, from the nightmares I never thought I’d escape.
And I think he knows it, “Little Bird,” he growls, “what are you doing?”
I swallow hard, my voice barely more than a whisper. “Take it off.”
He tenses. “What? ”
I lower my hand to the strings around his ear, my pulse pounding in my ears. “This mask,” I say, my voice steadier this time. “Take it off, Ryan. ”
His whole body goes still, his jaw tightening under my touch, his fingers flexing where they now rest at his sides.
He doesn’t deny it.
He doesn’t even try.
The silence between stretches so thick, it could suffocate us. The truth is here now, standing between us, refusing to be ignored.
His hands find mine, wrapping around them gently but firmly, lowering them away from his face. His fingers linger, brushing against mine—hesitating, maybe, or memorizing the moment before everything changes.
And then, without a word, he reaches back.
Grips the mask.
Pulls it away.
And I finally see him.
Not Nightshade.
Not a shadow.
Not a secret.
Just him.
The man I lost.
The man I left.
The man who pushed me away.
The man I was never supposed to love but did, still do.
Ryan.
The tears start to fall from my eyes, down my cheeks, each drop heavier than the last. I can’t even tell why I’m crying anymore—whether it’s because the man I’ve loved for so long is standing before me, so close, or if it’s the pain from the last words he said to me before I left, words that still echo in the back of my mind.
“Avi.” his voice but a whisper as he catches the tears as they fall. His eyes are filled with something that feels like guilt, like regret, but I’m not sure if that’s what I want to see. “Please don’t cry, Little Bird. I can explain everything.”
His words hang heavy between us, but they don’t really reach me. I want to believe him, so badly, I do but it feels like there is something blocking me from getting to him. A wall, it has been built up from everything he has said and done. The way he pushed me away, how cold he was … it is still all fresh in my head, like a wound I can’t heal.
“Avi,” his voice was low, almost a whisper. “Please… look at me.”
I stand there shaking but it isn’t because I am still standing in just his t-shirt, but because of how confused I feel. I don’t even know what I want anymore. In the shower, I was so determined to get him to tell me truth. But now I don’t know if I want answers or if I want him to make everything okay again. Do I want him to take away the pain and silence that has been there for so long? Or do I just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be alright?
“I can’t. I can’t even look at you without remembering all the lies.” I say, shaking my head.
His thumb gently wipes a tear from my cheek, but it only makes more fall. Because now, I’m not just crying over everything that has happened—I’m crying over the love I’ve always had for him, the love he’s always felt too, but was too scared to pursue.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Avi,” he whispers, the weight of regret thick in his voice. “But I thought pushing you away was the only way to protect you. I thought if I kept you at a distance, you’d be safe from everything I’ve done—from the darkness inside me. I protected you from afar, staying hidden in the shadows, watching over you, making sure no one else could hurt you… but in doing so, I hurt you the most.”
He never wanted to break me more than I already was. I’m crying because he wanted to protect me, but he didn’t know how to protect me from myself.
“Protecting me? By stalking me? By hiding who you really were? You pushed me away when I needed you most, Ryan.” My voice is sharp with pain.
The sound of his name from my lips felt like a dagger, even to me. “I deserve that,” he admitted, his voice cracking. “I deserve every ounce of your anger. But please, Aviana, I’m begging you… give me a chance to make things right.”
I stood, my fists clenched at my sides. “How? How can you possibly make this right? You shattered my trust, Ryan. Every word you said to push me away… it tore me apart.”
He dropped to his knees, the mask falling from his hand . “I’ll do anything… anything to earn your forgiveness. I was a coward, hiding behind that mask. But I’m done hiding. I love you, Aviana. I’ve always loved you.”
My breath hitched, tears welling in my eyes. “Love isn’t enough, Ryan. Love doesn’t erase the pain you caused.”
“I know,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I’m worthy of your trust. I’ll never stop fighting for you.”
Ryan’s eyes lock onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart skip a beat. It makes me forget about everything that has happened. He stands up and leans in, his breath warm against my skin, and I feel a pull towards him, as if his very soul is calling to mine. Without saying anything else, he leans down, taking my lips in his. Tentative at first, as if he is afraid I will pull away. I don’t, though. I lean into him, letting everything I have kept locked away for so long spill out into that kiss.
The moment his lips press fully onto mine, the world shifts. Time slows. His kiss is full of longing, of regret, of something deeper than I could have ever imagined. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer, as if he never wants to let me go now that he has me back. Not the girl he was stalking. Not the girl he was protecting. His best friend. His kiss desperate yet tender, like he has been waiting for this moment for far too long. This kiss isn’t just an act — it’s a declaration, a promise that no matter how much pain he has caused me, no matter how many walls I have built, he’s here now and he is never letting me go .
“You needed me. You needed me to fight for you, not push you away. I wanted to protect you so badly. I vowed to protect you, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to be the man, not the monster, who could hold you and not break you.”
Feeling the weight of his words, the depth of his love, I crash my lips to his again, this time with everything I have, pouring my heart into the kiss. He responds instantly, his hands gripping me tighter, as if he’s afraid I will vanish if he lets go. For that moment, it is just us — no past, no pain, no fears — just the two of us and the kiss that says everything neither of us can find the words for.
His hands slip under my shirt, warm and firm against my skin and the touch sends a spark of electricity through me. The sensations are too much — his touch, the heat of his body against mine, the way he pulls me impossibly closer. I can feel his heartbeat matching mine, quick and erratic.
I pull back, not wanting to, but needing space to breathe, to think.
Ryan’s hands grip my biceps as he steps back and looks at me in confusion, “Avi, Little Bird, what’s wrong?”
I shake my head trying to will away the tears that have started to well in my eyes again,
Guilt clouds his features, “Avi …”
“I left that house in the cover of darkness so I wouldn’t have to see you again, thinking I wasn’t enough for you. Thinking I wasn’t worth fighting for. Yes, you killed him for me. I never asked you to do that. I know I wouldn’t have had to. You saw how broken he made me. I will never share your secret. It is safe with me. But, dammit, Ryan, you can’t just take me in your arms and almost make me yours just to push me away and say those hurtful things to me.” I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself, but the hurt is too raw, too real. “You know what, Ryan? All those years being broken by Mr. Widlow, Maverick and even Liam don’t come close to how hurt and broken I was when you closed that door hours before we were supposed to go to my birthday dinner .
“Little Bird, that is not true,” he says, stepping closer to me, but needing distance I take another step back, “You mean everything to me. I —”
“If I meant everything to you,” my voice shaking, “then why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you fight for us?”
“I thought I was protecting you. I turned into a monster after what I saw Liam doing to you. Something inside of me snapped. I knew then I couldn’t protect you without letting the monster out and I didn’t want that monster to hurt you, to break you. I thought letting you go, I was doing the right thing. I never strayed. I have always been one step behind you, Little Bird. I have always been here with you.” his face twists with anguish, his dark eyes with regret. “I am sorry, Little Bird. I never wanted to make you feel like you didn’t matter. I was scared of what I was becoming around you. I am sorry I hurt you and if I could go back and change it, just know I would do it in a heartbeat.”
The words he says hit me like a wave, and while they don’t fix the years of pain, the years of silence, I see the depth of his regret. The genuine sorrow in his eyes and I cannot help but feel a flicker of something.
I stand there, frozen, my chest tightening with every word that spills from his mouth. He sounds sincere, but sincerity hasn’t done me any favors in the past. I can see the guilt in his eyes, but guilt doesn’t heal wounds. It doesn’t undo the damage.
“You think I don’t know what I’ve done?” Ryan’s voice cracks, raw with emotion. His usual bravado has disappeared, leaving behind a man who’s so far out of his depth, it’s almost painful to witness. “I’ve fucked up, Aviana. More than you’ll ever know. But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it right.”
I look away, trying to hold onto my resolve, but the words hit harder than I expected. He’s right. He has fucked up. And I don’t even know if I’m strong enough to let him back in. Not yet .
“You can’t just expect me to forgive you, Ryan. You can’t just apologize and think it’s over.” My voice is quiet, steady, but it trembles under the weight of what I’m saying. “You’ve hurt me. You’ve hurt me more than I can even say, and I need time. I need you to prove it.”
His face falls, the weight of my words crushing him. I watch him struggle to say anything, his mouth opening and closing, but nothing comes out. For a long time, there’s silence between us, heavy and thick, like the air is holding its breath.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness,” he finally murmurs, voice barely a whisper. “I’m asking for the chance to make it right. One chance.”
I want to shake my head. I want to scream that it’s not that simple, that I can’t just give him another chance because he’s sorry. But when I look at him, I see the man I used to know beneath the mask of anger and guilt. I see the Ryan I trusted, the Ryan I once thought I understood. And maybe—just maybe—I still believe in that version of him.
I let out a shaky breath. “You’ll have to work for it. You’ll have to prove that I can trust you again. And I need time. But I’m willing to let you try.”
His eyes soften, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I see a flicker of hope in them. He steps closer, his hand reaching out toward me, but he stops just short of touching me. The restraint is almost painful to watch, but I can’t bring myself to pull away.
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” he vows, voice filled with determination. “I’ll spend every single day showing you that I can be the man you need. The man you deserve.”
I swallow hard, the weight of everything pressing on my chest, but I nod slowly. “I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I’m not saying I’ll forgive you tomorrow. But I will give you that chance. I’ll give you the time you need to prove it.”
He doesn’t speak right away, just watches me like he’s trying to memorize every inch of my face. Then, finally, his voice is low and steady. “Thank you, Avi. That’s all I need. I’ll wait, no matter how long it takes.”
I hold his gaze for a long moment, uncertainty still swirling in the pit of my stomach. But somewhere deep down, beneath all the hurt and the confusion, I believe him. And for the first time in a long while, I feel a small spark of hope—hope that maybe, just maybe, we can find a way to heal. Together.
With that thought, I let myself believe in him again.