Chapter 43
Dean
After setting the roast on the stove to rest, I snuck out the back door. I’d seen Blake head this way, and even though he was probably the last person I should be around right now, I felt drawn to my brother in the way I often was to my dad when I needed to talk.
“Hey, D,” he said casually before he brought a cigarette to his lips.
“I thought you were quitting.”
“Well, life keeps happening, so here we are. Seems like you could use one right now too.”
I considered it, but then I remembered what Oli had said about things that caused dependency. He would no doubt hate to see me smoking. There was no way he’d get me to give up caffeine, but I didn’t need to pick up a new habit.
“Maybe after my third divorce,” I decided. Sitting in the chair next to him, I tried to smile, but it was too forced.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“With you? I’m not really sure, honestly.”
He chuckled, which eased some of the tension. Blowing the smoke away from me, he held the cigarette far out to the side. “Like you said, I’m not in a position to talk. Single, working sixty-hour weeks, doing everything I can to mentally check out sometimes.”
“I wish you’d talk to me more.”
He glanced at me. “You can call too.”
“It feels like I always have to.”
“I’ve failed you,” he sighed.
Turning to look at him, I tried not to appear too surprised. “Really?”
“If you feel like that, then yeah. Something’s broken here. I guess I just don’t know how to fix it.”
“The first step would be to admit we have a problem, right?”
Our eyes met, and we both started laughing. Once the air became somber again, I kicked my feet out.
“You know we don’t have it that bad, right?” I pointed out.
“Realistically, sure, but I still want to bitch about it sometimes.”
“Bitching about it is fine. What about fixing it, though?”
He looked up at the sky. “Am I supposed to act like it’s fine? Like I didn’t feel abandoned by Mom when we were kids?”
“Context matters.”
“I know. How’d you see it so differently than I did?”
“Maybe because I was born into it. Mom used to take me to the hospital with her and put me in the nursery. I’d see her when she went on break, and she’d sneak away whenever she could to check on me. Those little things stick with me.”
“At least you have those memories.”
“Look, I know you don’t like Oli—”
“I didn’t say I don’t like him. I just—I don’t know. He confuses me.”
It was hard not to laugh. “That part I can understand. But you have to know where he came from. His boundaries are iffy at best, but it always comes from a good place.”
“Why are you telling me this instead of talking to him about it?”
“Because this part isn’t about me and him. I don’t actually need your advice in that department. I know Oli, and I know me. More importantly, I know us. What I want now is to find a way to feel that confident in my relationship with you.”
He studied me for a long minute. “Did you somehow get more mature than me?”
“Probably. College education and all that.”
“When the world goes to shit and you need to build a shelter in the woods, I’ll be waiting for you and your soft hands to come begging.”
He stood, as if everything was settled. When I got to my feet, he gripped both of my shoulders, and with a brotherly smile, he patted my cheek hard enough to sting.
“I love you, D. Maybe . . . maybe we can figure all of this out. But I do have some questions for Oli.”
My stomach twisted. “I don’t really feel any better, but I guess that’s fair.”
“Let’s eat, okay?”
With a nod, I followed him inside. I returned to the living room where my parents and Oli were sitting, having a conversation. They stopped talking when I showed up.
“Dinner’s ready,” I said. “Uh, where’s Dr. Matteo?”
Mom got to her feet. “He went home.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. Did we freak him out?”
“Of course not. He just recognized we need some time as a family. Hopefully, he’ll be free to come back before you two head home.”
I glanced at Oli. He seemed to want to avoid my gaze, but after a second, he looked up at me. There was an openness to his expression that I hadn’t expected. Those eyes were so innocent but far from na?ve.
Right now, I wasn’t sure what to say to him. Even if I did, it wasn’t the time. We had to talk about it, but first, there was dinner with my family. I had a feeling we all needed that.
*****
It was quiet for a while as we all started eating. Dad complimented the dish, but all I could manage was a smile.
“Oli told us you drank out of a trash cup,” Dad said when it had been silent for a while.
I choked on my water and put a hand over my mouth. “What?” Looking at Oli, I found him trying not to laugh. “Who told you that?”
“Brooks.”
“Nothing’s sacred anymore. For your information, it was at the movies.”
“Those are too damn expensive,” Dad agreed. “But why would you do that?”
“I was trying to prove a point.”
“That you’re disgusting?” Blake asked.
“We’ve done it before.”
“Yeah, once, and you were eight.”
I shrugged. “It was worth it.”
“If we ever go to the movies,” Oli said, “I’ll get you a proper drink.”
Dad made an uh-uh sound as he chewed. After wiping his mouth, he leaned his elbows on the table. “You go to the dollar tree and hide those sodas anywhere you can. If I had a million dollars, I wouldn’t give them five for a damn cup.”
“Feels criminal, but I used to fish without a license, so I’m beyond saving.”
“They’ll nail you with a hefty fine for that one.”
Oli hummed his agreement. “It was less for pleasure, more out of necessity. You’d be surprised how many people will look the other way when the circumstances are right. It sort of restored my faith in humanity a few times.”
“We want to hear what it is that got you here,” Mom said.
“Like what? I can tell you more about when I met Dean.”
“I mean you. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it.”
His brow pinched. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Of course it is. We’d like to understand you.”
“Well, I . . .” He looked around the table, his expression more nervous than ever. “I was born in Fremont on the fifth of January, but that’s all I know about that. Temporary homes were all I knew until I got my apartment in Seattle. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Uh, what else?”
Blake looked amused as he listened to Oli ramble. I watched my family take in every word he said. He probably thought they were making judgments, but I knew they were intrigued by him just like I was every day.
“You don’t know anything about your parents?” Blake asked, surprising us both.
Oli shook his head. “I’m not interested in finding out.”
“I don’t get that.”
“Blake,” I hissed.
“What?”
“It’s not important to me,” Oli said, offering me a smile.
“Whatever happened, I choose to believe this was the way my life was meant to go. I don’t know if they wanted me or not.
Don’t know if they were addicts or too young for a kid or even something darker.
It wouldn’t change anything, and I’ve always been content with living my life for me instead of wondering about things that are long in the past.”
“Damnit.” Blake looked down at the table. “I’m sorry. For what I said before.”
“Don’t be. It doesn’t bother me, except . . . This might be overstepping again, but it’s just that seeing what you have here and watching you push it aside bothers me the most.”
Blake dropped his hands into his lap, but he didn’t bite back.
“To have a mom that shows up for you,” Oli went on. “Who sacrifices raising you, who trusts you with someone else while she has to spend all of her time in a place surrounded by tragedy. That’s love, even if you can’t quite see it like that.
“I’ve never had anything like this, so I guess I’m just making it up as I go along. I don’t have any family at all, except the people I’ve found along the way. So, I just want to say that I respect you both so much.”
He met my parents’ eyes, and I watched his begin to water beneath the dining room light.
“I’ve had very few chances to experience love,” he said after a minute.
“All of this is new to me. But your family . . .” His nostrils flared, and he blinked a few times as he looked up at the ceiling.
“Even in its messy parts, what you have here is so beautiful. I heard the way Dean talked about you guys, and for a second, I could see it. That’s why I did what I did. Because I knew you deserved it.”
Mom sniffled as she wiped her nose with a napkin. I wanted to say something, but I still didn’t know what.
My chest ached, making it hard to breathe. Quickly, I took the last bite of my food, then I stood up and grabbed my plate. “Excuse me.”
After dropping the plate in the sink, I walked past the table, not stopping until I reached my room.
The space was small, but as I looked around, I felt like I was home in a way that I hadn’t since I left.
The trophies filling the top of my dresser and the posters hanging on the walls brought me back to days spent doing homework.
Staying up late waiting for my mom to get home.
Waking up early so I could listen for my dad and make sure I was there to help without him thinking I was going out of my way.
Dropping to the edge of the bed, I covered my face with my hands. More than ever, I dreaded going back to Seattle, and as I sat there fighting back my tears, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing something with every second that passed.