Chapter 4 A
“Is she still here?”
Seren’s voice slipped through my front door before it had even fully opened. I hadn’t heard the key in the lock. I’d been too lost in my thoughts. And they were all one color. Yellow.
“You know,” I groaned, shaking my head even though she couldn’t see me yet. I was sitting at the long gray dining table. It was cold, made of concrete. Modern, like everything else my parents owned. If only they were ever here to enjoy it.
“What do I know?” my best friend’s voice answered my half-formed thought, right as I remembered, again, that my parents weren’t around.
Seren stepped inside, that semi-permanent smile she wore these days still etched on her lips.
Her eyes were bright again. Clear. No longer cloudy.
Her storms had passed. It still rained sometimes.
Flash storms came and went. But mostly, her forecast was clear.
Mine wasn’t. Mine was gray. Just gray. And the worst part was not knowing if I would ever see a clear day again.
It wasn’t thunderstorms. It wasn’t hail or blizzards. It was just endless, miserable gray.
“When I gave you that key, it was for emergencies only,” I said, even though I was already smiling. “Not for wandering in at whatever hour your pretty little mind decides is appropriate.”
I stood from the chair and crossed the room without thinking.
Like it was muscle memory, my arms settled around her shoulders, pulling her in.
I rested my chin on the top of her head and pressed a kiss into her hair, the way I always did.
Seren hugged me back and let out a breath, like something inside her had finally loosened.
I’d figured out a long time ago that this was what I did for her.
I eased her anxiety. I took the edge off her pain.
Even when her pain started turning into happiness, she never stopped needing me. And I never stopped needing her.
I soothed her. She didn’t necessarily soothe me.
She would have, if she knew how. The problem was she didn’t know anything about my gray skies.
I never let her see them. I’d promised myself that the night I went to her bedroom after Jax was arrested.
I would never be someone she had to worry about.
She would never have to second-guess me.
She would never have to understand my mind.
I would be whatever she needed me to be.
I had secrets. Ones she would never know about.
And I would carry them if it meant she stayed safe.
In Seren’s eyes, I was only good. I was pure.
Unmarked. She was the only person who had ever seen me that way.
The only one who looked at me with complete light in her eyes.
That light made me want to be light. Our friendship was the lightest thing in my life.
When you’ve lived in gray for as long as you can remember, when dark clouds have followed you everywhere, you learn to search for the sun in whatever moments you can find.
“Austin?” Seren mumbled into my chest. “This is a very long hug.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, finally letting her go. “Maybe I needed it.” She laughed softly and tilted her head, studying me. Her eyes narrowed just enough that I knew she was reading me. That was all the warning I needed. “Nah,” I said quickly, changing gears. “I’m kidding. I just missed you.”
“Oh,” her smile returned instantly. “I’m surprised you had time to think about me when you spent all night with blondie.”
“What is your obsession with this girl?” I asked as I walked back to the table.
Seren dropped into the chair beside mine, pulling her legs up and tucking them under herself like a kid at circle time. “What’s yours?”
I tried to look indifferent. I really did. It was pointless. The corner of my mouth lifted at the thought of her anyway.
“I don’t have an obsession,” I said. “I just met her.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Seren laughed, nudging my shoulder. “You just met her, yet you had the urge to save her. My best friend playing Captain Save…” She squinted. “I won’t finish that. I know you like her. But you, Austin Portwood, have never saved a girl in your life.”
“Besides you?” I asked.
“Besides me,” she agreed. “Which is exactly my point. You saved me because something in you knew we were meant to be best friends.”
I stilled. “Like it was fate.”
Seren’s eyebrows shot up. “Fate?”
“Yeah,” I cleared my throat. “If you believe in that kind of thing. I don’t.”
“Sure,” she said slowly. She hesitated, clearly wanting to say more, then let it go. “Anyway, I came here for details, and so far you’ve given me nothing.”
“Don’t you have girlfriends for this?” I asked.
She laughed. “Cassidy’s been with O since they both had braces. There is zero drama there.” She paused. “Zane knows her.”
“Zane knows Yellow?” I said too fast. “I mean, Blair.”
Seren’s grin said everything. “Same year at Hawking. Similar circles.”
“Small world,” I muttered, waiting.
“I’m not going to tell you until I hear you say it,” she smiled as she spoke, the amusement clear in her eyes. She was thoroughly enjoying this.
“Seren,” I said flatly. “Tell me, or I’ll change the locks.”
“You would never,” she laughed. “Who else would you watch Grey’s with?”
“I hate that show,” I told her, forcing a scowl onto my lips. I was lying. It was my favorite show. I’d never tell her that, though. “Fine,” I huffed when her lips stayed pressed together. “Can you tell me about her? Please?”
“Well, damn, A. All you had to do was ask,” she joked, tossing her long hair over her shoulder.
“Okay, so I grilled Zane about her. And then I grilled Cassidy, and then Gavin… and then O. It was weird, like they were not thrilled about being woken up in the middle of the night to answer my questions.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face as she spoke.
She was so different from the girl I’d met.
In the best way. She had changed completely.
She was growing so beautifully. She had been lost when we met.
Now she was thriving. She had been wilted then.
Now she stood in a field of other flowers, her petals blooming more every day.
“She just graduated, so she’s the same age as us.
Her name’s Blair Evanston, which you probably already knew.
Super cute, which you also know,” she paused to wink.
“Here’s where it gets a little dicey. Her brother’s an addict.
Pills. Which is just fucking awful. I honestly can’t believe there are scumbags who sell that shit to kids.
Zane said he got addicted his second year of high school. I mean, what kind of person does that?”
My stomach sank like a ship with a gaping hole torn through it.
I forced my expression to stay neutral, fighting the guilt rushing through me.
Pills would always be personal to Seren.
They had almost taken her life. She thought I was done with that world.
She thought it was behind me. She believed her almost dying had been enough to make me swear off anything to do with pills forever.
She was right. But she didn’t understand.
It wasn’t my choice. And I could never let her know otherwise.
The second she saw who I really was, she would never look at me with light in her eyes again.
“But Zane said she’s not a wreck from it,” Seren continued. “Surprisingly. They all said she’s the opposite, actually. She’s happy. Bright.”
“Yellow?” I said, knowing she’d understand immediately.
She sighed. “I get it. No wonder you never fell for me. She’s the complete opposite in every way.”
I exhaled slowly. I couldn’t deny it. She was right.
I’d told Seren the same thing the first time we ever spoke.
Seren had never been my type. When we met, Seren was the gray that already covered me, only darker.
I’ve never wanted more darkness. Never wanted more storms. Seren was never yellow.
She would never be yellow. She isn’t gray anymore, though.
She’s red now. A red that changes. Some days she’s dark, like blood spilling from a wound.
It’s hard to look at, but at least you know it comes from something alive.
And when she’s happy, she’s bright red. Like a rose.
“She’s different, Seren,” I said quietly. “She makes me… I don’t know. She’s like hope. And I know I don’t know her that well, but from what I’ve seen, from what I’ve felt… she’s different from anyone I’ve ever met. In the best way.”
Seren let out a breath, leaning back against the stone-cold table. “Well, shit. I guess there’s only one thing we can do, then.”
“What?” I asked.
“Show her the same thing you showed me,” she said with a shrug, like it was simple. “Show her how good you are.”
And even though I knew she was wrong in every way, I agreed with her anyway.