Chapter 20 #2
He offered his hand. I shook it. It was a small gesture, but something about it felt significant.
Grounding. Hopeful. I walked slowly through the halls of the program, trying to steady the mix of emotions rising inside me.
Each step brought conflicting feelings. I was excited to leave.
Excited to see my parents, Holden, Cherry.
I missed them deeply. The limited contact we’d had had only reinforced one thing—their love hadn’t changed.
But there were unknowns. Here, inside these walls I hadn’t wanted to enter, I had been sheltered.
The program had been its own kind of structure, a controlled environment, a temporary substitute for the fate I used to cling to.
Outside, things would be unpredictable again.
And I knew that now. That was the difference.
It wasn’t a shock. It wasn’t a betrayal.
It was simply a fact. And I could choose how I reacted to it.
As I packed my things into the small suitcase I had brought with me, memories of the day I arrived flooded my mind.
And of course, that day was filled with Austin.
I had tried not to think about him when I first got here.
I even told Dr. Kahn that, thinking he might be impressed by my ability to set aside boy problems when I had much bigger things to deal with.
Like the part of my mind that was intent on starving me.
His answer surprised me, as usual. “You told me you wanted your point to be loving the people who love you,” he had said. “Being here, away from the world, is actually a good time to consider who you want to love back.”
So I did. I thought about Austin when my mind allowed me to.
I thought about the way he made me feel.
I thought about the time we spent together.
But mostly, I thought about his words, and then about his actions.
I thought about his words the night everything went wrong.
I thought about his actions before he ever met me.
I thought about what he said during the intervention, and what he did the morning after.
It became a riddle I couldn’t solve. I weighed his actions against his words, and his words against his actions, over and over again.
I tried to make them line up in a way that made sense.
I couldn’t. And then one night, after the lights had gone out and the building had gone quiet, I realized something.
Maybe there wasn’t a right answer. Austin had shown me who he was through his actions, just as clearly as he had through his words.
And I had no control over either of them.
What I did have control over was my reaction.
“Blair, honey,” Tawny said gently from the doorway. She was my favorite nurse, though I never told her that. “Your brother is here.”
“Okay,” I said softly, patting the top of my suitcase before setting it down on the floor.
“Come on,” she said, nodding toward the hall. “I’ll walk you out.” We walked mostly in silence. Not because there was nothing to say, but because my nerves had reached their peak. This was it. The end. Or maybe the beginning.
“Blair!” Holden’s voice reached me before I saw him. I caught a glimpse of him just seconds before his arms wrapped around my shoulders. I didn’t resist the hug. I leaned into it instead, letting myself be held. “I missed you, sis,” he whispered. I felt it settle in my chest, warm and steady.
“I missed you too,” I said. When he finally let go, I turned for one last look at the place I had called home for the past two weeks. Strangely, I felt calmer than I expected. Like finally, I was at peace with the uncertainty waiting for me.
“Mom and Dad are so excited to see you,” Holden said once we were safely inside our parents’ car and on the road home. “They wanted to come with me to get you, but I thought… you know. Maybe we had some air to clear.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, tearing my eyes away from the blurred stretch of scenery rushing past the window. “I guess we do.” I opened my mouth, then closed it again, deciding to let him speak first.
“I know I already told you this over the phone,” Holden said, his voice quieter now, “but I love you, sis. And that’s why I can’t say I’m sorry for telling everyone.
” He glanced at me briefly, looking almost sheepish.
“I am sorry that you’re struggling, though.
And I hope you’ll let me be there for you. ”
“I know,” I said. “I know you will.” I paused. “There’s never really a right way to do these things. I think I understand that now.”
“I guess not,” he chuckled softly, then sighed. “Feels like we’ve switched roles for a bit. It’s usually you in my seat, and me in yours.”
“How are you doing?” I asked. There was no panic in the question. I’d known Holden’s addiction long enough to recognize when something was wrong.
“Three months sober,” he said, a glint of pride in his eyes even as he kept them on the road.
“I’m proud of you,” I said, and I meant it. The feeling settled in my chest, warm and steady, like the muted orange glow of a sunrise.
“We can do this, Blair,” Holden said, reaching over and squeezing my hand. “We can do this, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed, my throat tightening. But this time, it wasn’t pain that made it hard to breathe. It was hope.
The rest of the drive felt like simpler times.
Holden sang along to whatever came on the radio, badly and without shame, and I laughed at him in response.
It felt easy. Easier than life had felt in a long while.
But as we passed the halfway point, the weight of the decision I’d made earlier pressed back in.
I bit down on my lip. I had to do it. Even if I was scared.
“Holden,” I said, reaching over to turn the music down. “Can you take me to the other side of town? I… I need to see Austin. I need to thank him. For everything he did.”
Holden glanced at me, his expression tightening with hesitation. “Now? Are you sure you’re ready for that?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I haven’t talked to him since… everything. He did so much for me.”
Holden was quiet for a moment before sighing. “Okay. But don’t take too long. Mom will bite my head off.”
I focused on my breathing as we drove. I wasn’t sure why my nerves felt so tight, only that I hadn’t spoken to Austin since the night I begged him not to send me to the program. Would he see me differently now? He said he wouldn’t. But that was before he’d seen everything.
“Here is fine,” I said once we reached his street.
Holden frowned slightly as he slowed. “You sure? The address you gave me is still a few blocks up.”
“I know,” I smiled. “I could use the walk.”
He nodded, pulling over. “Call me when you’re ready. I’ll keep Mom distracted as long as I can.”
“I will.” I paused, then added softly, “And Holden? Thank you. For seeing me when no one else did.” He looked startled, his mouth opening like he might say something, then closing again. In the end, he just nodded.
I shut the door, and his car pulled away.
The air felt fresh as I walked through the quiet, manicured neighborhood, the sun warm against my skin.
With every step, my nerves eased, replaced by anticipation.
I imagined Austin’s surprise when I rang his doorbell.
The smile I hoped would spread across his face.
Then I turned onto his street.
And everything stopped.
Four police cars lined the curb in front of Austin’s house, red and blue lights flashing violently against the calm morning.
My heart dropped into my stomach. I didn’t see Austin at first. Then I did.
He stood between two officers, his hands cuffed behind his back.
His head was bowed slightly, his jaw clenched, his shoulders rigid as they guided him toward a cruiser.
He never looked up. He never saw me. I stood frozen as they opened the back door and lowered him inside.
Click. The door shut. The officers lingered only a moment before returning to their vehicles. One by one, the cars pulled away.
That was when I realized I wasn’t alone. Seren stood on the sidewalk, pacing, her hands tangled in her hair. Zane was beside her, rigid and silent. I started moving again, my legs feeling detached from my body.
“What the fuck?” Seren was saying, her voice loud and shaking. “What the fuck was that? Zane, there’s no reason, he hasn’t sold weed in months. What the fuck is this?”
She spun on him, then stopped. Her face twisted as she took in his expression. “You… why aren’t you surprised?” she demanded. “What do you know?”
“Seren—” Zane began.
But then she saw me. “Blair?” Her voice cracked. “What—why are you here?”
“Seren,” I gasped, panic clawing up my throat.
“What’s going on?” My mind raced, dragging up everything Austin had ever confessed to me.
The drugs. The fear. The things he was terrified would come to light.
But that wasn’t what made me feel sick. And that’s not the only person I’ve killed.
The words echoed in my head, heavy and impossible.
I spoke before I could stop myself. “Is this about Jax?” I blurted.
“That wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know Jax was going to die, right?
He can’t get arrested for that. Is it— is it a crime to not report a car accident? ”
I turned back to them, desperate for confirmation. But the looks on Seren and Zane’s faces stopped me cold. They didn’t understand. For a fraction of a second, Seren just stared at me. Then something shattered across her expression—pain.
“Blair,” she whispered. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“What?” My voice sounded stunned even to my own ears. I thought it was loud, sharp, but the way Seren and Zane stared at me made me realize it probably wasn’t.