31. Claire
31
The lively beat that punches through the air doesn’t have the same effect as it usually does as Lex and I sway together on the dancefloor.
We’re both stuck in our melancholy feelings that start and end with men. A place I never thought I’d find myself.
“I thought you said tequila would help,” Lex shouts over the music.
“We clearly haven’t had enough then.” I grab her hand and pull her behind me through the crowd to the bar.
While we wait in line to be served, I spy the grumpy, tattooed bartender, Caleb’s brother. He’s with another guy I recognise from a few weeks ago. The one with different coloured eyes.
When we make our way to the front of the line, the brooding grump is right in front of us, ready to take our order.
“Hey, Lex. What can I get for you ladies tonight?” His deep, rumbling voice perfectly matches his rough exterior.
Tattoos cover his skin from his shirt sleeves all the way to his hands and stretch over his collar.
“Hi, Gage,” Lex says on a squeak.
“Can we get two kamikazes and two margaritas, please?” I ask, crossing my arms over the bar. Gage’s brows pitch up at the tall order before he gets to work concocting the drinks.
“So, we’re on a first name basis with the bartender now?” I whisper out the side of my mouth.
“Gage is the one who Dylan first contacted about stocking Legacy Malt, so he was at the party last night. It’s his new bar that’s being built next door to the casino.”
“He’s not closing this place though, right?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. This is a new one for a different crowd. Dylan did well to get our distillery attached to a Heart family member.”
“I take it you mean Gage Heart as the bar owner and not Caleb Heart, your new investor who you have a massive crush on?”
“Yep.” She looks around as if hoping to find said crush. Everyone here tonight looks like they’re meant to be here. Not a vest or tie in sight.
Gage comes back to set the drinks in front of us, the pinched brow he forever wears still prominent.
Man, this guy must get a lot of headaches.
“You caught an Uber here, right?” he asks, more to Lex.
I guess they’re going to be friendly, with Dylan and Gage working so close together now.
“Yes. Claire has the app on her phone for when we need to get home.”
“Let me know when you’re going, okay?”
This protective side is unexpected. Looking at him closely, he’s probably the kind of guy I would have gone for in the past, but now, all I see is Leif.
All I want is Leif.
All the ways he challenges me, praises me, comforts me.
Fuck, I need to sort my head out about him. I can’t keep teetering on the edge of fear and valour.
I’ve spent my whole life avoiding love, keeping my heart locked tight behind my walls where it can’t be touched by lies, hurt and betrayal. For what? Avoiding the remote possibility I could go through the same thing my mum did? Because she told me all men ever do is lie and cheat?
If I devoted myself to a man who cheated, I’d make him regret it so fast, his head would spin. Then I’d take myself out and find a guy who’d do me right. I wouldn’t settle for that shit. I certainly wouldn’t stew over it and let it defeat me. And if he left me pregnant, you bet your arse I could handle that. Why the fuck have I been afraid this whole time?
If I’m going to do something about it, though, Leif would be the one to do it with. I don't know what I'm doing, how to be a person deserving of him, and I'm scared, but I don’t think it’s of falling.
That possibility has long passed. I’m on the flat of my back, knocked the fuck over, ladies, and there’s no getting up.
No. What I’m scared of—what I think I’ve been scared of for a while—is finding something, someone, that I'm terrified to lose.
Turning away from the bar with our drinks, Lex and I survey the space, and I notice a booth to the side free up.
“Quick! Booth!” I shout and make a mad dash for the leather-lined seats, almost losing half my cocktail as I dive into the space.
Lex follows at a more glacial pace, getting stuck behind people along the way before she gracefully drops down in the seat opposite me.
“Cheers!” I hold my shot up and clink my glass against hers before we shoot them back.
“Now that we have an appropriate amount of liquid courage, should we say the things we’ve been avoiding?” Lex asks.
I blow out a breath and nod before taking a generous sip of my cocktail, smacking my lips after the taste of tart lime coats it. “Sure.”
“Okay, you go first.”
“Wow, nice show of courage, Lex.”
“What? I feel like your problem is an easier fix.”
I groan into my hands as I contemplate the thoughts that have plagued me since the first night I met Leif.
“You know the story of my dad and how it affected my mum,” I say, and Lex nods in agreement as she sips on her straw. “She raised me to think men couldn’t be depended on. That women had to assert their independence and always maintain the upper hand in relationships. Relationships being surface level, obviously. Never get too deep. Once it feels like work, or once they fit too easily into your everyday life, you’ve let it go too far. You can’t ever let them get comfortable in your space because that’s when you let your defences down, and that’s when they can hurt you.”
I swirl my straw, watching as the lime wedge swirls with the ice cubes. “I never questioned it before. Maybe because my mum and grandma never had a man around. I’ve never noticed what it was like to have a partner in your space, to realise that maybe something was lacking. Especially since I’ve had you.”
I smile and reach over to squeeze her hand.
My nose tingles, and my eyes itch as I look at my best friend. Imagining what it would be like to not have Lex in my life. It would be like missing a limb. There’s not a moment big or small that I would want to miss of her life or share with her of my own.
“Lex, I think I found something that was lacking from my space. I don’t want to let it go, but I don’t know how to keep it.”
She gives me a reassuring squeeze back.
“I don’t think you realise just how capable of love you are,” she says. “When I moved here, that was a really difficult time for me. Do you know all the ways you comforted me and gave me support, without me even asking?” Lex shakes her head and stares off into the crowd for a beat. “It took me so long to open up to you, but you were there anyway. I think you’ve always acted like you have to be on . Have to be this loud, confident queen. Which you are, but you’re also soft and sweet and loyal, and like it or not, vulnerable. I think you’ve just been hedging your bets, waiting for someone to come along who was strong enough to handle all of you. Who appreciated all the pieces. But, even queens need a king, someone to show her what it’s like to be worshipped.”
I laugh at that, wiping a hand under my sniffling nose.
I down the rest of my cocktail and make a decision. My heart is hammering so much, I’m not sure if it’s fear or tequila trying to make its way out. But I can’t deny what’s been in front of me anymore. The way Leif treats me is precious, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s something I’ve never looked for, but it’s found me and struck me down anyway.
Looking up at Lex once more, I say, “You’re right. But you’ll always be my fellow queen.” With the alcohol flowing freely through my bloodstream, I fortify myself and take out my phone.
ME: I have a problem.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: The same problem as last time? Cause you can cuff me anytime, I’ll gladly make that my problem.
ME: I like fighting with you a little too much.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: When do we fight Bombshell? I feel like we do a whole lot of agreeing whenever we’re together.
ME: Okay, I like YOU a little too much.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: I’m still failing at seeing the problem.
ME: I don’t know how to do this
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: What is ‘this’? Specifically?
ME: Let someone in. Let them be someone to me. Someone I can’t live without.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: That does sound like a problem. Cos I’m pretty sure you’re someone I can’t give up. Do you think maybe it’s something we can work out together?
ME: I’d like to try…