Chapter Sixteen
Lee
Stirring awake, my heart comes to a standstill as I register the arm around my waist. A second later the memory of Mac in my bed comes back, and I relax back into his hold. He snuggles closer into me, and his face buries into my neck.
“You awake?” I whisper into the quiet of my room.
“Yeah, I’m up.” He places a sweet kiss on my neck before pulling his head back. “How are you feeling?”
I feel like shit. I’m swollen and uncomfortable, and I wish I could sleep for another year. But my body waking itself up means that it’s almost time for my medicine. “I’m fine. Thanks for coming over last night.”
“Don’t do that, Lelonie. Don’t brush me off like that.” His hand comes up and starts combing gently through my hair. His voice seems smaller today, and I hate it.
“What do you want from me? You want me to tell you that I’m sick?
Want me to tell you that if you stay with me, this is your life?
That this is all I can offer you? That I hope you don’t want fucking kids because if you do, you may as well walk now?
This is all I have for you, Mac! A life of IVs, machines, medications that cost a fortune, and the very real possibility of you being a widow before you hit your thirties!
” By the time I’m done, I’m yelling, and Dieter and my Mama stand in the doorway watching in horror.
“Don’t say that, don’t say shit like that, Lee.
We’ll work it out. We’ll figure it out together.
I’m not leaving you. I don’t give a fuck about kids, I give a fuck about you!
” His voice is strained. He’s trying to hold onto what little composure he has left.
But it doesn’t go unnoticed that the whole time his hand never stops moving, never stops gently stroking my hair.
“Can you conjure up a kidney out of thin air, Mac? Can you make a time machine and go back so they don’t stick me with dirty needles?
Shit, while you’re there, go ahead and stop them from beating and raping me for years.
If nothing else, make them stop giving me the men who thrive off torture.
Can you just will all of this to get better?
Let’s be real, Mac, you can’t even stay sober long enough to drive me to doctors appointments if I asked you to.
Let’s not act like I’m stupid here. I notice the red eyes, the constant smell of whiskey and the way your brothers try to track your every move because they think you’re going to go too far at any moment.
The fucking flask that’s ever present in your jeans or coat pocket.
You want to figure my shit out, but what about your shit? ”
Mac stiffens behind me before slowly pulling away from me.
“You’re being mean. What you’re saying may be true, but you’re being hurtful about it because you’re hurting.
I don’t want to set you off any further, so I’m going to go hang out in the living room.
I’m not leaving here, but I’m going to give you as much space as I can stand.
So you get from here to the living room and not an inch more.
Let me know when you’re ready to talk about all of this.
We’re telling the truth today. The whole truth, Riley. I’ll be ready when you’re ready.”
With that last lethal blow, he kisses my forehead gently and moves out of the room. Dieter throws his thumb over his shoulder, “Uh, I’m just going to go out there. Call me if you need me, Kostbarkeit.”
Mama doesn’t hesitate. She moves into my bed and takes up the space Mac just vacated. Then like the good Mama she is, she holds me silently and plays with my hair until I cry myself to sleep.
A little while later, I’m woken up by a calloused hand sweeping my hair out of my face.
Blinking my eyes open, I see the most beautiful green eyes staring back at me with a small, timid smile, “Hey, Lee. You have to wake up and take these, then you can go right back to sleep, okay?” He’s holding a glass of water in one hand and a handful of pills in the other.
“Your mom helped me, and I promise I didn’t look anything up.
We’re going to talk about all of this when you’re feeling better.
” Nodding, I sit up just enough to take the pills before laying back down.
“I’m sorry I was hateful.” I tell him sincerely. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.
I wanted to talk to him about what I’d noticed, but I didn’t mean for it to all come out like that.
Mac’s sneaky about his alcohol consumption, and if you didn’t know what you were looking at, you’d miss it.
With the men who used to come in and out of my cell, I’m hyper vigilant to people being under the influence of any type of substance. It’s time to put it all on the line.
“No, you were right. After we talk, I’m going to have to leave for a few days, but I’m going to call and text you constantly.
You won’t even notice I’m gone. I’ll send Kieran over with stuff for you.
And I’ll be back before you know it, okay?
” He doesn’t sound convincing at all, but I’m too tired to dig into that right now.
“Okay, can I nap just a little longer? Then I promise we’ll talk.”
“Yeah, of course. Do you want me to come lay with you?”
I nod at him, and in the next second he’s taking up his spot at my back. As soon as I get comfortable, I’m drifting back off to sleep. “I’m going to get better, Lee. You deserve me at my best, not whatever this is that I’m offering now.”
* * *
The next time I wake up, the sun isn’t as high in the sky as it was. Mac’s still at my back, holding me, and I can hear him tapping on his phone one-handed. He must be working from it. When he notices I’m awake, he locks his phone and sets it down, “Good morning.” He smiles gently at me.
“What time is it?” My groggy voice rings through the room.
“Almost four. How are you feeling?”
“Can I get out of bed? I need to go to the bathroom, and then I want to go to the living room for a change of scenery. I’m tired of this bed.”
Mac’s eyes flicker to my arm, then he shrugs. “I’m not sure, let me go ask your brother.”
Before he can get up, I yell out, “Jakob!” I can hear his feet running across my floors before he bolts into my room. When he sees no one is dying… Yet. He bows over, hands on his knees, and fights to suck in a full breath.
“Holy shit, you scared me. What?”
“How did you know he was here instead of D?” Mac asks at the same time.
“Can you unhook me? I want to go out there.” Looking over my shoulder at Mac, I grin, “You said it was four. Hannah’s out of school, and Jake doesn’t have to be at work until ten.”
Jake unhooks the bag of medication that’s being fed to me through an IV. I move my right arm out from under the covers to adjust myself and help him before realizing what I’ve done. But the moment Mac stiffens, I know he saw it.
“What’s that?” He points to the bulge under the skin of my right arm. Something he’s never seen before because I always wear long loose sleeves in front of him, and all last night and today I’ve been wrapped in blankets.
“That’s an AV fistula. It’s how they give me my dialysis.”
“What? Dialysis?” He sounds confused, but my need to pee stops this conversation from going any further.
“Bathroom first, then we’ll talk. I’ll meet you in the living room.”
“Wait, are you okay to walk to the bathroom alone? You’ve barely been out of bed in almost two weeks.”
Jakob snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, man. And every day she pees, multiple times. She’s fine. I’ll help her to the bathroom, and she’ll take it from there.”
Mac jumps out of the bed, “No, I can help her.”
“Dude, don’t be fucking weird about it.” Jakob groans. He’s not cussing Mac out anymore. They must have come to a middle ground somewhere.
“I’m not. I just— I want to help.”
Jakob dramatically moves to the side and gestures for Mac to step in.
He moves over to the side of the bed and scoops me up, bridal style.
My bare legs dangle over one arm while the other supports my back.
My brother hands me the IV bag to hold until we get to the living room and can hook it to the pole out there.
“What are you doing?” I laugh as he begins walking me to the bathroom. Jakob makes a gagging noise at seeing his sister in no pants and hurries out of the room. I’m wearing shorts, but from what he can see, it looks like I’m just in an oversized shirt and panties.
“I’m carrying you to the bathroom. Then I’m going to carry you to the couch.” Mac says like I just asked him the dumbest question.
“I have feet. Most people use those to walk.”
He laughs, a light genuine laugh. “Well, you aren’t most people, now are you?”
After carrying me into the bathroom and begrudgingly agreeing to wait outside the door while I do my business, he carries me to the couch and settles me so I’m propped up on one end with my feet pulled into his lap.
They’re so fucking swollen, but that comes with the territory.
The bag with my medications is back on the IV pole that sits at the back of the couch, my tubing giving me enough slack to move around the couch freely.
Jake made an excuse to head out when we walked out here.
Promising to be back around six, apparently Mac has somewhere to be around seven.
“So are we going to talk about this morning?” He asks while flicking his head to move his too-long hair out of his eyes.
“I’m sorry I went off on you. I’m grumpy when I don’t feel well, and this is not feeling well turned up to a thousand.”
“It’s fine, but please talk to me. No more vetoes. It’s time for the truth.” Nodding, I decide to give him everything he’s asking for. At least when he runs, I know I did everything I could.