Chapter Seventeen #2
I’d intended to hang with Katty so Mazz could get some schoolwork done, but the three of us ended up hanging out instead.
Maybe because she didn’t quite trust giving it all over to me yet—which, fair—but I got the sense she’d been enjoying herself too much to lock herself in her room with her books, and that was another ten-feet-tall moment.
Now, though, Mazzy seemed braced for disaster. The tightness in her shoulders, her hands bunched in her lap, the way her eyes kept straying toward her door. That was what had done it for me—the push I’d needed to open my mouth. I wouldn’t let this woman down, not one more time.
I dropped to my knees in front of my daughter, snuggled beside her mom on their diminutive couch in their cozy little living room. I pulled in a breath, catching a whiff of Katty’s strawberry shampoo and underlying scent—all little girl sweetness and sunshine. It gave me the final shove.
“I found out something really exciting recently I wanted to tell you,” I started.
Katty’s eyebrows popped up over her glasses. “What did you find out?”
“Well, it’s really incredible.” My heart thundered in my ears, and the world tilted, but I kept going. “I found out I’m your dad. You’re my little girl.”
“I’m your little girl?” she repeated, turning to her mom. “I don’t have a dad.”
Mazzy made a choking sound and shook her head. “You do, baby. Things got mixed up a long time ago, when you were still in my tummy, but we got it straightened out. Ben is your dad, Kateryna.”
Katty’s brow was pinched as she swiveled to face me again, her eyes bouncing over my face.
“You can still call me Benny,” I said. “You can call me whatever you want. I just want you to know I’m not going anywhere. I’m your dad from now on.”
“Forever?” she asked, every shred of doubt threaded in that one word.
“Yes.” There was no doubt in my answer, and I hoped she heard it. “I was so happy when I found out about you. I’m so lucky you’re my daughter.”
Her rosebud mouth twisted in consternation. “I’m Mommy’s daughter.”
“You are,” Mazzy assured her. “You’re my daughter, and Benny’s too. We share you now.”
“Hunh.” She glanced from me to her mom. “Okay. I like when you share me.”
“I like it too,” I replied.
“Are you going to live at my house?” she asked.
“No, I’m not.” I held out my hand, and she slid her tiny palm along mine.
When I closed my fingers, her whole hand and half her arm were engulfed—a reminder of just how delicate she was, inside and out.
“But I’d like to keep spending as much time with you guys as I can.
And maybe you and Mommy could come to my house too. ”
Her eyes lit. “Can we spend the night at your house?”
“Sure you can.” I probably should have consulted Mazzy, but…well, this was my kid too, and I wanted her to know my house was hers. “Your mom and I will pick a day that works for you guys.”
“Tomorrow?” Katty offered.
Mazzy snorted and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Tomorrow might not work. Maybe this weekend?”
The sharp band wrapped around my chest loosened. “This weekend would be perfect. You guys could come to my match Saturday.”
Katty bounced. “We’re gonna watch rugby and have a sleepover.”
I thought I was in the all clear. This had gone so much better than I expected. But Katty stopped bouncing and went utterly still. She looked at Mazzy, then back at me, her little mouth turning down.
She took a gasping breath. And then…
And then, and then, and then…burst into tears. An avalanche, a flood, a tumult of big, fat teardrops raining down from her eyes.
My heart stopped. Panic slashed me like a whip, so hard and painful, I jerked forward. Katty scrambled into Mazzy’s lap, clinging to her mother as she sobbed.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Mazzy cooed. “You’re okay. It’s okay.”
“What’s happening?” I rasped, stunned and at a loss for what to do. I needed to do something. I’d made my little girl cry. I had to fix this.
But she didn’t want me. She wanted her mom. Buried her little face in Mazzy’s chest while Mazzy rocked and murmured soft, comforting words. All I could do was watch and hope I hadn’t ruined everything.
It took some time for Kat to calm down, and she stayed quiet the rest of the night, but she gave me a hug when she went to bed, so I was pretty sure she didn’t hate me.
Mazzy closed the door to Kat’s bedroom and met me in the living room, where I was trying not to fall apart.
“That could’ve gone worse,” I joked, but it fell flat, due to the stark lack of humor I was feeling.
“Oh no, Ben, don’t be upset.” Settling on the couch beside me, she put her hand on my leg. “Those were big feelings for her, and she didn’t have words for them. Our girl is an emotional little thing. She cries when she gets overwhelmed, good or bad.”
“I hate it, Mazz. Can’t stand seeing her like that.”
She leaned her shoulder into mine. “It’s not my favorite either, but you’re going to have to get used to it. One of the unfun parts of parenting. At least her tantrums have died down. You missed that phase.”
“Mazzy…” My chest had been scraped too raw to hear about the phases I hadn’t been around for. “I can’t—”
She tilted her head back, her eyes darting between mine. I must’ve looked as miserable as I felt. The next thing I knew, she’d gathered me against her like she had Katty earlier, my head cradled on her soft chest, her fingers threaded in my hair as she rocked and soothed me.
Wrapping my arms around her middle, I let it happen.
“I think I have big feelings too,” I mumbled.
She let out a short laugh. “It’s okay, Benny. Everything’s okay.”
“Why is it so believable when you say it?”
“I think it’s a mom thing.”
I closed my eyes, squeezing her tighter. “I wouldn’t know. Never had much of a mom. Really doubt she ever told me everything was gonna be okay.”
“I didn’t have a mom either, but I had two dads who were really good at this kind of thing.
You’ll be good at it too.” Her fingers moved through my hair in a slow, gentle rhythm, hypnotizing me into believing every word that came out of her mouth.
“One day, Katty’s going to go to you instead of me when she’s upset, and you’ll know exactly what to do. ”
“I doubt it.”
“I don’t doubt you, Ben.” Her fingers paused as she sucked in a shaky breath. “You’ll probably have to comfort me afterward, though, just like this.”
“I’ve got you, Mazz. If that day ever comes, my arms will be open to you, no questions asked.”
“We’ve got a deal.” She slid her hand down to my jaw, giving it a pat, then carved faint lines in my scruff with her nails. “If I keep doing this, I’m going to fall asleep, and I have way too much reading to do.”
Reluctantly, I lifted my head, bringing us closer than I expected.
Her cheeks were flushed, and her lips were parted like a blooming flower.
But it was her eyes that got me. Sky blue and both lively and tender, they cut me to the quick, making me want to slip off her glasses to see them even closer.
Her gentle exhale skated across my lips. “A lot of reading,” she said, reminding me why I’d sat up in the first place. It was not to stare into her pretty eyes.
I leaned back, a playful smirk falling into place. “Is this your way of telling me to get my ass out of here?”
“In a much more polite way, yes.” She gave my face a shove. “Scram.”
“Fine, fine.” I pulled myself away from her warmth, but it wasn’t easy. Mazzy was so damn soft and incredibly easy to hug. My bones cracked and protested as I rose to my feet, but it had to be done.
I helped her up from the couch, and she followed me to the door. We both stood there for a beat, neither of us saying anything. Finally, she nudged my abdomen with the back of her hand.
“Get going, you.”
“All right, all right. I know when I’m not wanted.”
I slung my arm around her and pulled her in for a hug. Once I had her, I bent down and kissed the top of her head. She sighed against my chest and hugged me back in a way that told me she needed it as much as I had.
“Night, Mazz.”
“Good night, Ben.”
Leaving was getting harder and harder each time, and I was honest enough with myself to admit it wasn’t just because of my daughter. Not even close.