Chapter 19 #2
I lift my head and wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand, but the tears keep falling. “I didn’t know,” I say again. “So much time we’ve lost that we can’t get back. I don’t understand, Cope.”
“That’s all behind us, remember? We’re getting married. We’re starting a family. That’s what matters.”
“How are you not raging mad right now? Why are you not cussing and yelling and seething with anger? It’s not fair,” I say, slapping my hand against his chest. “We lost so much.”
“If I weren’t holding you, I might do those things.
My heart hurts for the time we lost, but it’s also really fucking happy, Ells.
It’s not often life gives you a second chance.
We got ours, and baby, I’m holding on to that chance with everything I’ve got.
Those years, we’ll never get back, but the ones that are ahead of us are going to be ours.
We’re still getting the life we planned, just a little later.
I’m going to give you my last name, and I get to watch a piece of me grow inside of you.
” He smiles softly. “Whatever reason those letters are here and never made it to you, can’t take that away from me.
I won’t let it.” He tightens his hold on me.
“You live inside my chest. You’re the reason my heart beats, you and our baby, and our future babies.
” He winks, and I smile through my tears.
“I’m not me without you,” I whisper.
“Same, baby. Now, what do you want to do with the letters? Read them? Trash them? Save them for another day? Tell me what you need, baby, and I’ll make it happen.”
“She wrote to me. I’m hoping it’s an explanation, and hell no, we’re not trashing them. These are mine. I don’t care how long it’s been. I’m going to read every one of them.”
He nods, the corner of his mouth lifting with a smile. “Do you want me here when you do?”
“That’s up to you. I do want you with me when we read her letter. You deserve an explanation as much as I do.” I don’t have the first clue why my mother hid his letters from me, but I’m hoping that whatever’s in the envelope with her handwriting explains all the reasons.
“And the wedding dress?” he asks.
“I-I don’t know. I’m mad right now, and I want to read my letters.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.” Copeland kisses my temple, then releases me. He places the lid back on the small tote before offering me his hand. We make our way back to the door, and he goes down first. “Nice and easy,” he calls up to me.
When we reach the bottom of the steps, Copeland sets the small plastic tote on the floor and pushes the ladder back into the ceiling. “Where are we doing this?” he asks.
“My room.”
He nods and leads the way. Once inside, the door is closed, and we settle on the bed with the tote between us.
Copeland takes off the lid, and I dig through it until I find the envelope with just my name on it.
Taking a deep breath, I slide my finger beneath the lip to open it, pull out the piece of paper, clear my throat, and begin to read.
My dearest Ellie,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to write this letter. Today, I told myself I had to. I needed to know that, if something ever happened to me, you’d know why I held the letters you found in the tote for you.
So, here’s my truth. I was scared, Ellison. I watched you with Copeland. I saw the way you looked at one another, and I knew it wasn’t just a high school kind of love, but one that would last a lifetime.
I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was your future, and then he enlisted in the Marines. My heart stopped that day because I knew that the bond you had with him would pull you away from Magnolia Ridge, and away from me.
My firstborn.
I love you and your sisters with a love I’ve never felt before.
I hope that one day, when you have children of your own, you’ll understand.
The thought of you living so far away, never getting to see you, broke me.
The fear of you leaving and only seeing you once or twice a year prompted me to hide the first letter.
I started stalking our mailbox, and just as I knew he would, Copeland kept writing, because that boy, well, man now, loved you. My gut tells me that he always will.
Anyway, with each letter that arrived, I hid them, and with each one I placed into that small tote, my guilt grew. I didn’t tell your father. I kept them to myself. I didn’t open them. I didn’t read them.
I remember the night I decided that if he sent another one, I’d give them all to you. He’d been gone for four years, and I still heard you cry yourself to sleep at night. I told myself that if another letter came, I’d confess, but that moment never came.
So, here I am, another whole year later, and my guilt sits heavy on my shoulders, but I don’t know how to tell you.
You went on your first date since he left yesterday.
Although you said he was not for you, you still went.
You’re starting to heal, or at least I hope you are, and I can’t give these letters to you now.
I know I’m taking the coward’s way out of this. I know that if you’re reading this letter, something has happened to me. I’m not there to receive your anger or answer your questions, and for that, my darling daughter, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for meddling in your life. I let my fear of you leaving guide my way, and that was wrong. I know it was wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. I want to think that, even with writing this letter, I’ll come clean, but just in case, I needed to at least get the words down on paper.
I don’t have an excuse, other than fear. I know that I broke your heart, and I had the chance to heal it, but I didn’t. For that, I will forever carry regret. I know that I should give them to you now, but the thought of seeing the pain in your eyes… I can’t do it.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. Just know that it came from a place of love and fear of losing you. I wish I had a better excuse. I love you, Ellison, and I’m so proud of you. No matter how angry you are at me, please remember those two things.
I hope that one day Copeland makes his way back to Magnolia Ridge and you find your way back to each other.
With deep regret and so much love,
Mom
I drop the letter to my lap and wipe at my eyes.
“I’m angry.” I’m so damn angry. She interfered with my life.
She kept me from the man I love for far too many years.
If she were here, I’d— Fuck, tears keep falling, and I have to swallow past the golf-ball-sized lump in the back of my throat.
I wish she were here so I could yell at her.
I’m pissed at her and myself. I’m angry at my dead mother for trying to control my life.
She’s right—I would have followed him, but just for a few years until we could come back to Magnolia Ridge. She had no right to take him from me.
Her deception cuts deeper than anything ever has, even Copeland’s leaving.
“I know.”
“I want to hate her.”
“I know that, too.”
“I don’t, though, and I don’t know how I feel about that. She broke us apart, Cope. All this time, so many years we lost, and it was my mom.” My voice quivers.
His hand rests on my cheek, and he leans in close, pressing his lips to mine that are soaked in tears.
“We can’t change the past. We can only look toward the future.
I’m mad at her, too, Ells, but we’re here together now.
We’re getting married and starting our own family, and that’s what we need to focus on.
She’s not here to ask her, and it’s not fair to hate her for something that she obviously felt remorse over. ”
“How can you forgive her so easily?” I ask, my voice cracking. She took so many years from us. I don’t understand why he’s not raging with anger like I am. My insides feel like a knotted mess. Those letters, his words to me, were all hidden in my home, and I didn’t even know.
“Because she loved you. I know what that’s like.
If I were faced with you leaving, and I couldn’t go with you, I’m not sure I wouldn’t do something similar to keep you with me.
Is that wrong? Yes. Do I care? No, not as much as I should.
I’m not me, the real me, without you, and I forgive her, because we’re still living the life we had planned.
We took a detour, but it’s ours for the taking, and nothing and no one will take that away from us this time.
This time, I’m fighting. For you, for me, and for our baby. ”
“I love you,” I say, tears racing down my cheeks.
“I love you, too.” He kisses me softly before moving to kiss my belly. “I love you, too, little one.”
Copeland is my anchor. He’s here, grounding me, helping me push through the emotions swirling inside me.
He’s right, though. I need to push the anger aside and be in the moment with him.
It might be almost two decades too late, but just as we’d always planned, we’re each other’s future, and like Copeland, I’m not letting go so easily this time.
I was young and heartbroken; I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, but now, I can.
I smile through my tears. He’s right. It’s delayed, but we’re getting our happily ever after, and this time, he’s not the only one ready to fight for our future.