Chapter 21 #2
It’s been four years. Four years of missing you. Four years of hating myself for the choice I made, even though I made it with good intentions. It’s time for me to decide what to do, and it’s kept me up at night for weeks.
I can’t come home, Ells. I can’t live in that town, the one where I fell in love with you. The one where I first kissed you, first made love to you. The place where we planned out our lives. I can’t live in that town and watch you live those dreams with someone else.
So, I’m staying in. Turns out, when you keep your head down and only think about the love of your life, you stay out of trouble, and that’s excellent for a Marine. I’m good at it, and it’s all that I have, now that I’ve lost you.
I love you, Ellison Marie Moran. You own my heart and my soul, and while you might not know that, I will.
I will never love anyone else. Just you.
Those dreams we had, I still dream about them.
Memories of you, of the time we had together, and the life we wanted, that’s what keeps me going.
It will only ever be you for me, Ellison Moran.
I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry for tearing us apart. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wish you’d reply to me. Just once. Just one time. Even if it’s to tell me that you hate me, I just wish I could hear from you.
My letters are not being returned. Four years, and not a single one made it back to me. That tells me you’re getting them but that you’re done with me.
I’ll never be done with you, Ellison Moran. You hear me? I will never be done with you. I love you. You own a piece of me, and I never want that piece back. It will always be yours.
I miss you.
I love you.
For always.
Copeland
I fold the letter, place it back into its envelope, and put the stack back into the box. There are so many emotions flowing through me. Anger, pain, sadness, and love. So much love for the man who stole my heart all those years ago.
He lowers his head, kisses my temple, and hugs me a little tighter. “Ells?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s one more letter.”
I sit up and turn to look at him. “What? I read them all,” I point to the box.”
He nods. “Yeah, I know, but I wrote another letter.”
My heart sinks. I want all of his words. “Do you remember what it was about?”
He swallows hard, and dread fills my belly. “I have it,” he says softly.
“What do you mean, you have it?”
“I never mailed it. I knew you weren’t going to answer, and I was mad about that, so I just wrote it and kept it.”
“Is it at the inn? In your room?” I ask, as hope wells inside of me. I don’t know why, but I need it. I need the words he wrote for me.
“No.”
“Oh.” My face falls.
“It’s in my wallet.”
“What?” I furrow my brow.
Copeland lifts his hand and smooths over my forehead with his thumb.
“After we found the letters, I went back to my place and dug the letter out of my things. I took it out of the envelope and put it in my wallet. I wanted to have it in case a night like tonight happened. I wanted you to have all of them when you were ready.”
“It’s here? Now? In your wallet?” I ask, my voice cracking.
“Yeah, baby. I have it here.” He reaches over to the nightstand, grabs his wallet, pulls a folded piece of paper out of it, and hands it to me. “Here.”
I swallow hard. “Thank you.” I glance down at the letter in my hands, and there’s a slight shake from nerves.
This letter he didn’t want to send. Will I get his anger?
Hateful words? I don’t know what to expect, but I know I need to read whatever is on this piece of paper.
I need to read his words, and then, no matter what emotions are swimming inside of me, I need to let the past stay where it belongs, in the past. We’re moving toward our future, and the present, and what’s to come, that’s what I need to focus on.
Slowly, I unfold the letter, smooth out the creased lines, and begin to read.
My Dearest Ellison,
I told myself I wasn’t writing anymore. Not hearing back from you cuts too deep. The pain is too much to bear, but this is different. I find myself sitting here, trying to find the words, and I can’t. I just can’t because I know that nothing I say can make this better.
I was there today, Ells. I heard about your parents and was luckily not deployed.
I requested emergency leave, and I don’t know how, but the stars aligned, and it was granted.
I was given twenty-four hours, and I took it.
I boarded the first flight back to Magnolia Ridge.
I didn’t get there until later because of my flight delay, so I pushed my rental as fast as it would go, and I made it to the cemetery on time.
I stood in the back, by the road, behind a large tree. I stayed hidden, but I saw you. I saw my friends and Kinzie supporting you and your sisters. You didn’t need me.
I wanted you to. Damn, Ells, I wanted you to need me. I needed you. I loved your parents. Without them, I wouldn’t have you, and a world without you, Ellison, is one I don’t want to live in.
I need you to know how sorry I am for your loss. My heart aches for you and for your sisters, and I want you to know that if there is ever a time when you need me, I don’t care how much time has passed, you call me. Send a letter—fuck, Ellison, fly to me. I’ll always be a place for you to land.
I will always be here for you.
I’m yours, Ells.
Do me a favor? Close your eyes and count to twenty. While you’re counting, imagine my arms wrapped around you. I’m holding you tightly to my chest, and I know that everything is going to be okay.
Twenty seconds wasn’t long enough, but I know I have to let you go, because still today, all of my letters have gone unanswered.
I’m not mad at you, baby. I’m mad at myself. I should never have left you without you knowing exactly what I was doing and why. I blame myself, and that’s a pain I’ll have to live with every day for the rest of my life.
I love you.
I miss you.
I’m here for you. In any way you could ever need me.
Don’t hesitate, Ells. I won’t. You call… I’m there. No questions asked.
I’m sorry for your loss. Please hug your sisters for me, too. I wish there was something I could say to make this better for you, for all of you, but I know I can’t. Just know that the four of you are in my thoughts, and that you, my Ells, have my heart.
All my love,
Copeland
The letter falls to my lap, and Copeland swoops in and pushes it to the side as I turn, settle on my knees, and cradle his cheeks in my palms.
His brown eyes look worried. “Don’t cry, baby,” he rasps, his eyes misty with his own emotion.
“I love you isn’t strong enough, Cope. I don’t know how to say it, but…
you are my everything. I love you with everything inside me.
I’m sorry she kept your letters from me.
I would have written you back. I would have wanted to come to you as soon as I could.
I never stopped loving you. I tried so many times, but it never worked. ”
Copeland wipes my cheeks, and without a word, his lips meet mine. “Forever, Ells.”
I nod, unable to speak past the emotions welling up inside me.
I’m heartbroken, but I meant it when I said that reading his words healed me.
I needed them more than he’ll ever know, and although I’m angry at my mother, at least she saved them.
She gave me this—a piece of him, of what he was feeling—and I only wish that I had done the same.
I wrote him so many letters, but I trashed every one of them.
I didn’t know where to send them, and I refused to ask Mary.
He’d known where I was, and I told myself that if he wanted me to have that information, he would have given it to me.
He tried.
So many times.
I just spent hours reading through every word.
“Forever,” I rasp, finally forcing a reply over the lump in the back of my throat.
This man is my forever.