28. Luc
28
LUC
HOW MUCH HURT CAN A HEART TAKE?
“ H ey, Kari!?” I catch sight of her at the end of the hall, her dark blue scrubs just another in a sea of blue scrubs. But her hair is wild and beautiful, acting as a beacon amongst waves and storms. “Hey!”
She hears me, glancing my way when I lift my arm above my head and wave. But she doesn’t want to be near me. She doesn’t want to know me. So she continues into a room and leaves me in her dust.
Stay the fuck away, jerkoff.
“Ouch.” Mitch stops on my right, his elbow touching my arm as the emergency room runs amidst a chaotic calm around us. Our latest patient has been handed off. A grown man who fell off a ladder. I’d bet my hat they’ll find it’s broken in more than one place once they get him up to x-ray. “Things still aren’t okay between you two, huh?”
“New drama.” I turn on my heels and step out of the way when a trauma team wheels a stretcher past us and into the elevator. “She was talking to me last week. Now we’re back to square one.”
“What did you do?” He reaches up and turns his radio down, the chatter and static, a sound I’m not sure is ever truly gone from my ears. Even when I sleep, I hear it. Even when I’m on my bike, alone, just me and the road, I hear it. “How could you have possibly tossed everything in the trash and fucked up so bad you’re back to square one?”
“I didn’t.” And with that, I shove away from the wall and move in the direction she left in. “I didn’t mess anything up this time. I’m a victim to circumstance.”
“Sounds like a cop out,” Mitch calls at my back. “Maybe don’t piss her off anymore.”
“Take your thirty-minute break,” I respond instead. “I’m taking mine.” I quicken my steps and peek into rooms as I pass. The ED is filled to the brim with idiots after a Sunday and too much free time. Dudes who climb ladders to fix something on their roof. Kids who stack their bikes or fall out of treehouses. Mitch and I have been in and out of the hospital all shift, like yo-yos at the end of an elastic string. But union rules say we’re entitled to a break, and I’m done letting Kari ice me out when, in the most basic sense, I did nothing wrong. “Kari Macchio?” I peek into a room and draw the eyes of two techs—neither of which are who I’m looking for. “Do you know where Kari is?”
Both shake their heads, so I pull out and move to the next. “Kari?”
“In the storeroom,” Doctor Eastgate steps out, hooking his thumb backwards to guide me. “I was just in there.”
“Great. Thanks.” I shove through the heavy wooden door and find her busily scanning the shelves for supplies. So hurriedly, I examine every wall. Every corner. Then I spin and lock the door again so no one else gets to come in.
“Luca?” Kari’s shaking voice hits the back of my neck. “What are you?—”
“I’m done letting you run from me.” I give the handle a gentle, final jiggle, to make damn sure we won’t be disturbed, then I turn and press my back to the wood and look Kari up and down. Scrubs are not made to be sexy. They’re boxy and awkward. Pockets galore, and with those pockets come all sorts of lumpy contents that further distort a woman’s shape beneath the fabric. But I study her now, from her plain black sneakers and up to the cute little watch pinned over her chest. I spy her wild hair, tied back in a braid that would minimize volume on most other women. But not Kari. Her hair won’t be tamed. I bring my focus up to her terrified eyes and thrill in the emotions dancing in them.
She knows why I’m here. Which means she can’t claim ignorance.
“Luc—”
“I’m sorry about what happened at dinner.” I stalk away from the door, slow, measured steps, and stare at the way she nervously swallows. “I’m sorry it went down the way it went down.”
“I’m not mad at Britt.” She fakes confidence and lifts her chin, gripping boxes of gloves in her hands as though they become her shield. “She didn’t know about our history.”
“But you’re mad at me.” Another step closer. “You’re mad that it ever happened.”
“I’ve had nearly four years to come to grips with the fact that it happened.” Aloof, she looks straight through me. “I’m over it.”
“You’re not over it!” Another step, until just three feet separate us. “You’re not over it, Bear. Because we were talking a few days ago. It was shaky and stilted, but it was happening. And now you leave a room when I’m in it. You stare into my fucking eyes when I call your name, and then you walk away, anyway.”
“I’m working!” She thrusts the boxed gloves between us. “This isn’t a vacation, Luc! We’re being paid to be here.”
“And now you’re on your thirty-minute break.” I snatch one of the boxes from her hand and lob it across the small storeroom, so it hits the shelf with a clatter. “It’s time we duke it out, Bear. We can do it here, now. We still have twenty-nine minutes to work through our shit. Or we can do it later. We both get off shift at the same time, which means you’ll put your ass on my bike, we’ll ride somewhere no one will hear us, and then we’ll argue.”
“I don’t wanna?—”
“We’ll argue until we come to an understanding. Because I’m done with this! I’m done walking on eggshells and being terrified of speaking just one wrong word, for fear you’ll hate me more.”
“I’m not making you?—”
“I’m done feeling like the world’s biggest fuck up. I’ve done my time, Bear!” I grab the second box and toss it, too. “You act like I killed your dog. When all I ever did, all I ever wanted, was to protect you! You were a child when you were begging me to kiss you.”
“I was eighteen.”
“You were three minutes past eighteen! Which means three minutes before that, you were a fucking child. Maybe the law is black and white on that stuff, but as a man who was guarding your heart, I knew you still had a world of growing up to do. Turning eighteen doesn’t magically flip a switch in your brain and make you all-knowing.”
“You rejected me!”
“I sent you away to college.” I stalk forward until our chests clash and her body scrambles back in response. She hits the shelf with a grunt and looks around wildly in search of escape. “Your brother is my best friend, Kari. So forgive me for putting everyone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of my own.”
“You don’t get to decide what is best for everyone else!” Finally, she snaps back and starts our war. It’s happening now. In this storeroom. And in twenty-eight more minutes, we’ll come out with a new understanding, for better or for worse. “You don’t get that kind of power, Luc!”
“If I was acting only for me,” I lean into her, sneering in a way I never would have believed I was capable of. “If I was only looking out for me , I’d have fucked you a long time ago.”
Her lips twist into a rage-filled sneer. “Pig.”
“Honest. If I didn’t worry about your well-being, and about Marcus’ approval, then I’d have fucked you way back when you were eighteen and begging for me. I could have claimed you for myself, Bear. Kept you in town. Married you up and gotten everything I ever wanted. Instead, I sacrificed six fucking years without you. Six years!”
“Oh sure,” she seethes. “And you were sooooo lonely during those six years. Britt wasn’t the only casual encounter you had, Luca!”
“And as far as I was aware, you had a live-in, ten-inch cock filling you up on a daily basis. I thought I lost you! I thought we were done, so yeah, I dated. I went out and met other women. I’m not a fucking monster for living, Kari.”
“You—”
“The alternative felt like death. I thought everything we’d ever had was dead. Not just the romance. Not just the heat. All of it.” I press my hand to her chest. Not copping a feel. But pinning her. It’s the best I can offer, considering my hand tingles to wrap around her throat instead. “I thought we’d lost a lifetime of friendship, too. A lifetime of growing up together. I thought it was all gone, and you were out there shacking up with a dude. So don’t come for me just because I casually dated for those years you didn’t exist in my life.”
“You could have had me.” Her jaw trembles. Her lips quiver to the same beat as the tears in her eyes. “Six years ago, you could have had me. I would have loved you forever, and I would have experienced my college years with you. You chose for us, Luca! And that wasn’t fair.”
“I chose because you weren’t capable of making sound decisions!”
“An opinion,” she growls. “That’s your opinion, and it is not rooted in fact. Now, because of you, we’ll never truly know what we could have been.”
“We will know!” I duck my head low, but stop with an inch between her lips and mine. Her frantic breath on my tongue. “We will know, Kari. Because I’m not walking away while you ride your self-righteous pony into the sunset. You’re holding on to all that mad because I said no six years ago. Six fucking years, you’ve held on to a grudge, and every time I stepped even an inch out of line, you added that infraction to your list of justifications and continued on with your mission to hate me. All because I said no.”
“You fucked my best friend!”
“And you fucked Ten, daily, in the apartment I helped pay for.”
“I never fucked him! We were never in a relationship. You’ve taken one tiny scrap of information and…” Her words trail off, her eyes widening when my lips curl into a victorious smile. “You asshole.”
“You admit to being single.” I slide my hand a little higher on her chest. Up, until I feel her pulse under my palm. “That’s one. Now admit to being head over heels fucked up and in love with me.”
She clamps her lips shut and glares straight into my eyes, defiant and stubborn. “No.”
“Because I’m in love with you.” I stroke the hollow at the base of her neck and lean a little closer. “I’m sorry we’ve both suffered these last six years. And I’m sorry we’ll continue to suffer once Marc finds out about us. He says these decisions are yours to make, but I know he won’t understand us. He won’t accept it easily. But I’m done putting him ahead of us. And I’m done using your age and life experience as an excuse.”
“So you admit your reasoning was a load of shit?”
“No. I admit to doing the very fucking best I could within the circumstances we were in. Back then, you were practically a child who needed protection. Now…” I press my forehead to hers and suck down every breath she exhales, “you’re a grown woman. Whatever your choices are now, they’re yours to own. If we end up together and you regret it, then that’s a choice you will have made with both eyes open.”
“And if we don’t end up together? If that’s what I choose?”
“Then I guess you fuck things up for both of us. But,” I trace the bridge of her nose with the tip of mine, “I’m done tiptoeing around you and your feelings. Bad shit happened. We were both hurt by it. I get it,” I groan. “We were both hurt. Now I’m just a man, Bear, begging you to step down off your soapbox and give us a try. If we attempt this and it all fizzles out, then we can do that together, as mature grown-ups who can still be friends afterwards. But not even trying…” I roll my forehead over hers. “Not even trying will be the biggest mistake either of us ever make.”
“So we just…” Her voice crackles; pain, or passion? Fear, or perhaps, curiosity. “We decide to ignore the bad, like it never happened? ”
“We grow from it. We take those lessons and make damn sure not to repeat them. I’m done apologizing for loving you, Kari. And I’m done letting you be too afraid to even try.”
“We could be celebrating six years together by now.” Her eyes dance with unshed tears, flickering between mine. “We could have been together this whole time.”
“And if we had, maybe we’d have fucked things up worse. Or maybe not,” I accept. “Maybe we could have been happy. We’ll never know.” I look down to her trembling lips and wonder: do I? Don’t I? “You asked me to kiss you once before, Bear. You begged me. Just one kiss.”
Her heart thunders under my hand. Her body sizzles with warmth, pressed against mine. “Yeah? So?”
“So ask me again.” I hover my lips just a fraction of an inch above hers. “Beg me. Then have me.”
“And if I don’t? What if I still don’t want this?”
“Then I’ll beg you.” I draw my hand up and cup her jaw, sliding the tips of my fingers into her hair and bringing her closer. Closer. “I’ll beg you every day from now until I’m a hundred and ten. And after that, I’ll follow you into the afterlife. Because I’ll still love you there.”
“Kiss me.” Her breath comes out on a gusty exhale, as though her words are a bravery she works so hard to cling to. “Fine,” she gulps. “I’m asking you to kiss me.”
“My fucking pleasure.” I slam my lips to hers and swallow down her cry of desperation. The gasp of air that bursts from her lungs. Then the flavor explosion of her tongue on mine. And because I’ve waited six years for this, I drop my hands and cup her thighs. I pick her up and inhale her squeal of delight, then I slam her back against the shelf until its contents rattle and her legs wrap around my hips. “Finally.” I bite her lips and suckle on her tongue. My cock roaring to life in my pants, though I’m grown enough to know we’re not going there here.
Not today.
Not at work.
“Fuck,” I break our kiss, only to run my lips along her neck. Biting. Tasting. I nip at her flesh and growl when she lets out a whimper of need. “So much better than I remember.”
“More handsy than I remember.” She drops her head back, a goofy grin plastered on her lips as she makes room for me to taste. To touch. “Last time, you wouldn’t have dared slam me against the wall.”
“Last time, I was being the moral fucking hero.” I pin her up with my hips, carrying her weight easily, and run my hands over her thighs. Her hips. Under her shirt and up to trace her ribs. “This time, I’m gonna please myself. Fuck everyone else and their wants.”
“Except mine, right?” She looks down into my eyes. “Fuck everyone else… except me?”
“No. I fully aim to fuck you, too.”
Her cheeks flame bright red. Scandalized . “Luc!”
“Sorry. I meant, I love you so much, I hope to someday make sweet, sweet love to you.” I move my hand around to trace her back, my fingers itching to unsnap the catch on her bra. Though I don’t dare. “It’s not that I’m wanting you for the sex, Bear. But I sure as shit hope to enjoy it. Eventually.”
“I’m still a virgin.”
Like a fucking grenade tossed into a foxhole, she drops her words and freezes in my arms. Or maybe it’s me that freezes. Tenses. Stops breathing as I carefully, so fucking cautiously, extract my hands from her shirt and pull back to meet her eyes.
My heart thunders out of control. Sprinting, although my lungs stopped working.
“Hmm?”
“I haven’t… I didn’t…” She gulps, a heavy lump of nervousness rolling visibly along her throat. “I wanted you. And then all that stuff happened. And then I was dating Blake, except we weren’t actually dating. He comes from a super religious family who doesn’t support who he is, so he asked me to help him out. And all the while, I was still pining after you and?—”
“Virgin?” I search her eyes and scrub my soul clear of memories I thought I had to carry. Memories that didn’t actually exist. “You’ve never…? ”
She shakes her head. “I wanted you.”
“You’re twenty-five years old. And you’ve lived with your girlfriends, off campus, for five years. Not once in all that time did you?—”
She rests her arms on my shoulders and licks her dry lips. But then she cinches her legs around my hips and shakes her head again. “Don’t make it weird. I wanted someone I couldn’t have, and I was fake-dating someone I wasn’t compatible with. I got busy with school, and then time just…” She draws a long breath, releasing it on a noisy exhale. “Time got away on me. Now we’re here…” She glances to her left. Then to her right. “In the storage room at the hospital. Oh god.” Her face pales when that realization hits her. “Oh god. We’re in the storage room. And the ED is full. And people know we came in here. People know what we’re doing!”
“We’re not doing anything.” And yet, to prove myself a liar, I duck in and take her lips with mine. “I mean, we’re not fucking. We’re reuniting.”
“We’re making a scene!”
“ You’re making a scene. I’m mentally planning how to fuck you without, like, hurting your feelings and without making you bleed.”
“Luca!” She slams her fist to my collarbone and wriggles until I release her legs and allow her to slide down. Then she fixes her shirt with a huff of indignation. “I’m gonna get fired.”
“You won’t get fired.” I crush her between my body and the shelf at her back. “No one actually knows anything about us except Mitch.”
Her eyes flare wide. “Mitch?”
“Well… yeah. He’s my partner, and he’s watched me sulk about you for years. But everyone else…” I wave a hand toward the door, absentminded and unenthusiastic. “They will have seen us come in here, but as far as they’re concerned, you’re my best friend’s baby sister and that’s…” I shrug. “It. People see what they’re told to see.”
“So you’re saying I can walk out of here and no one will know we were… we were…”
“We were what?” Teasing, I drop a kiss on her plump lips. “No one can see us, Bear. No one can hear us. So those on the other side of that door will know only what we tell them.”
“And we can tell them…” She glances to the left and looks down at the box of gloves I tossed. “That I came in here looking for supplies.”
“Sure.” I drag her bottom lip between my teeth and grin. “You can tell them that.”
“And you won’t say anything different?”
“I’m not here just so I have something to tell everyone else.” I comb my fingers into her hair and tilt her head to the side. To make room along her deliciously scented neck. “I’m here because I’m gonna love you for the next hundred years. If it’s possible, I’d like to do it by your side. It’s way better than doing it from afar.”
“And you’ll just… You won’t tell anyone?”
“Not a soul until you’re ready. Though I suggest we mention it, even if casually, before we send out the wedding invitations.”
“Oh my god.” She blows out a frustrated breath. “You’re moving a million miles a second.”
“I’m catching up on the moves we missed over the last six years.” I drag her face across and feather my lips over hers. “I’ve made my move, Bear. I’m in love with you. Stupidly, painfully, irreversibly in love with you. Now I’m waiting for you to catch up. And while I wait, I kinda hope you let me kiss you some more.”
“And what about…” She gulps, noisily and visibly. “What about sex? You’re gonna want to do that, too.”
“I assure you,” I glide my tongue along her lip and grin when she groans. “When you’re ready, you’re gonna want to do it, too.”
“What if it takes me another six years to be ready? Ya know, to make sure you’re really committed to this?”
“Then I’ll do what I’ve been doing for years already.” I pull back and smile when our eyes meet. “I’ll reach into my pants and tug my cock, and I’ll think of you.” I drop a fast, sneaky kiss to the center of her lips. “It works a treat. Trust me.”
“Luc?” Mitch’s voice echoes from the other side of the door. A heavy knock, knock, knock that makes Kari jump a full foot into the air. “We gotta go, bud.”
“Just getting supplies!” Kari practically squeaks, scrambling out of my arms and bending to collect the tossed boxes. “Luc was helping me reach the gloves.”
“Good luck, Bear.” I grab another box down and plop it onto the pile she’s already creating. “You lie so well. This is gonna be a blast.”
“Shut up.” She shoulder checks me and charges toward the door. “I’m still gonna be mad at you. It’s become part of my personality at this point.”
“That’s cool. I’m gonna continue to love you. We’ll counteract each other until something shakes free. Now unlock the door, babe.” But her arms are full, so I wander from the shelf and come up behind her to do it myself. I smack her ass and lean around to press a kiss to her cheek, then I flip the lock and open the door to reveal a smirking Mitch. “Not a word.”
He raises his hands in faux surrender. “I said nothing. But we gotta go. They’ve got a situation brewing just outside town. They’re about to call for extra buses.”
“Alright.” I look down at Bear and flash a fast wink. “Guess my break is over. Thanks for your time, Ms. Macchio. It was fun.”
“You squeak when you lie, by the way.” Mitch leans in, poking his head past the threshold and grinning for Kari. “You squeaked when you mentioned the gloves.”
“Shut up!” She charges past him and storms into the hall. She wants to make a grand exit. All queenly and shit. But she skids to a stop and stalks back until he’s forced to tilt away or risk a headbutt. “Not a word, Mitchell Rosa! This isn’t to be discussed with anyone outside of us three.”
“No problem, Pipsqueak . My lips are sealed because as an older brother of a young lady too pure to be with a man, I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to hear about her getting hot and heavy with my best friend in the storage closet.”
“Shush!” She flexes her hands and flattens her lips. Then she shoots an angry glare my way before spinning on her heels and rejoining the rest of her shift-mates.
“You’re a dead man,” Mitch sighs, setting his hands on his hips and shaking his head. “Dead. Fucking. Meat.”
“I’m a man in love. And love conquers all, doesn’t it? Someone famous once said that.”
“Yeah. But now that person is dead.”