Chapter Sixteen
Audrey
The scent of baby lotion and chai tea fills Chloe’s Seattle home, the soft hum of lullabies playing from a speaker in the corner. I’m comfortably sitting cross-legged on the plush cream rug, a teething ring dangling from my index finger, and a drool-covered giggle monster squirming happily in my lap.
“You do realize my niece used my blouse as a napkin, right?” I ask, eyeing a smear of mashed banana now decorating my shoulder. The funny thing is, I don’t mind one little bit.
“She clearly understands that’s not your color. She’s helping her favorite auntie out,” Chloe says as she breezes in from the kitchen with a warm bottle of breast milk in one hand and a bowl of homemade hummus in the other. “Wearing silk to a home with a baby is also a very rookie move.”
I look at my wrinkled shirt. “Yep, it’s workout, moisture-wicking clothes from here on out when playing with my favorite miniature human.”
“I’ve learned. Plus, I love that my yoga pants hold everything in,” she tells me with a grin.
“You need nothing held in. You’re hot. The boobs look better than ever, and I’m disgusted with how quickly you’re getting back into pre-baby shape. You make other women hate you. I have a feeling I’ll gain a hundred pounds in pregnancy and not lose an ounce after.”
Chloe laughs. “You haven’t seen me naked. But she’s well worth the weight gain, and my husband thinks I’m hot as hell, so I don’t mind at all. It doesn’t mean I’m not doing sit-ups when I don’t immediately fall asleep lying on the floor, but I’m not in a hurry. As a matter of fact, I’m shocked at how much I love motherhood and being a wife.” Chloe sits down next to me.
“I love how confident you are,” I tell her as I bounce my beautiful niece. I can’t get enough of her.
Chloe laughs. “I love it too. Mason’s so good to me. He makes me believe in myself, which you know was hard for me for a while.” She smiles as she holds out her hands. “Give me that child before your arms fall off.”
I reluctantly hand over the chubby six-month-old, brushing a kiss against her forehead before I let go. “You’ve ruined me. I’m all soft and fuzzy now.”
She laughs as she expertly lays her daughter down and changes her in a flash, all while making sweet cooing sounds. “How exactly have I ruined you?”
“I’ve never been a baby fan, never been the one to get all tingly seeing a newborn. But it’s different with Peapod. I adore her and can’t get enough.” I lean back as I gaze at the somewhat cluttered room. It’s a well-lived-in home filled with joy, so different from when Chloe and I were roommates without many cares in the world. “She drools, yells like a pterodactyl, and chews on my clothes and jewelry, but I don’t mind at all.”
“You know that nickname is going to stick. She might hurt you when she’s a teen and people are calling her Peapod,” Chloe says with a laugh as she cradles Peapod and props the bottle, which my niece hungrily gulps. “Auntie life is a joy. You get all of the fun times and then go home and have a full night’s rest.”
“Yes, I love that part the most. I don’t like losing sleep,” I say with a shudder. “The horror stories I’ve heard of mothers falling asleep leaning against a wall have always terrified me. Being around Peapod has somehow alleviated those fears. I’ve always been the fun one, the spontaneous one, the person who planned last-minute Vegas weekends and judged people who own bottle sterilizers.”
“Don’t worry, you still judge,” she says with a laugh.
“True, but now I get it. I mean... look at her, at those adorable pink cheeks,” I say as I gaze at my niece, whose eyes have closed. It’s amazing how alert she can be one second, and conk out the next. “She’s basically a squishy marshmallow spewing bodily fluids, and I’m completely in love.”
Chloe laughs hard, making Peapod jump. She quickly resumes her sucking but doesn’t open her eyes. She really is a great sleeper. “It’s strange how much we change as we get older. When you add motherhood to that, it’s a whole new world. I never thought I’d be so content with slobber all over me, but I don’t miss my old life. Sure, I miss taking off with you, but I’ll be able to do that again when she’s older. We can even take her on fun adventures. I think it’s maturing and realizing that the world doesn’t revolve around us. I love being responsible for who this human turns out to be. I can’t wait to see what she does in life, though I’m not in a hurry for her to grow up. It’s humbling and beautiful, and makes me appreciate everything so much more.”
I shift as I study my best friend, the soft curve of her smile, the glow in her eyes that has nothing to do with highlighter. “True happiness looks like an aura surrounding you. I love it.”
“I’m very happy,” she assures me. She stands and places Peapod in the bassinet. I stand so I can see her peacefully sleeping. She really is a sweet little doll I could cradle all day... screaming, messy diapers, and all.
“Mason and I are figuring it all out together, which is great too. I can’t imagine a better partner at my side for this journey. Maybe it’s not as sexy as it was in the beginning, but it’s even better because our love is deep and true. We’ll have hard times, and great times, but we’ll stick together and someday sit back and enjoy this life we’re building now. That gets me through the sleepless nights and crying fits when I’m so exhausted I don’t know what to do with myself.”
I’m quiet for a moment as I process her words. “Do you ever get scared that you picked one person and said forever sounds plausible? Do you worry you’ll end up hating each other, that one of you will cheat, or the love you feel now could easily turn to hate?”
Chloe turns with an introspective look in her eyes. “Of course I have fears. I’d be a fool not to. There are days I hate everyone, but I know those feelings will pass; it’s only my hormones going haywire. One thing I love about Mason is when I ask for an hour alone, he respects me enough to understand and doesn’t need to ask why. Being a woman comes with a lot of blessings. It also comes with a lot of crazy hormones, especially when pregnant and right after. If we understand that, and have a loving partner, they get it as well. When I do get freaked out, I assure myself it will pass, and I’ll come right back to where I started. I know my love for Mason will continue to grow. I also realize we’ll have bad days. We simply have to get through them, but it’ll be worth it in the end. I want an epic love story, and no great romance is ever remembered if nothing goes wrong. We need to have the lows in order to truly appreciate the beautiful highs.”
“I’m so scared that true love is impossible. Don’t you have to be one-hundred-percent sure of another person to know it can last?”
She laughs. “I think it’s even better when you aren’t sure. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Living takes effort. We can try to blame others for our faults, and we can expect others to pick up the pieces, but we know better than that. We know our strongest advocate is ourselves. We can be our own heroes, yet appreciate the help and strength of a lover or friend. If we wait in the tower to be rescued, we might die alone. If we take destiny into our own hands, we have the power to find true bliss. I fought love, and Mason was strong enough to slay dragons. I didn’t have to wait in the tower, I simply needed to take down the gate so he could get to me.”
I grab a pillow and hug it to my chest as I lean against the couch. “So hypothetically speaking... if someone had a thing going on with a guy that’s supposed to be fun and casual, but might be starting to feel like more...” I trail off, unsure of what I’m trying to say.
Chloe laughs. “Like maybe you and Wolf?”
I glare. “I didn’t say that. We’re talking hypotheticals .”
She laughs. “You can lie to others, but not to your bestie,” she smugly tells me. “Besides, you can tell me all day long that glow in your cheeks is from being with Little Pea, but I even see it on your cheeks when we FaceTime. I’ve never seen you act this way before. Heck, I’ve never seen a man last this long around you.”
“I’ve been in the sun a lot, that’s why my cheeks are glowing,” I tell her. Why is this so hard for me to accept?
“You’ve been in a dreamy state from the first time you met Wolf on that plane ride. You have a well-loved aura about you, and it’s great.”
I throw my head back and groan. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He’s... he’s... Wolf. He’s carefree and commitment-phobic. This can only end in disaster.”
“He brought you soup when you didn’t feel good,” Chloe points out. “He remembers everything you tell him, hasn’t once guilted you for spending time with me, and has a smile that makes people stop in their tracks. He’s been honest with you, and is always available to talk even when traveling. I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”
I sigh. “I like him so much more than I should, and no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I can’t. I miss him when we aren’t together. I’m also terrified.”
“Why are you so scared?”
“I’m afraid of needing him. I’m afraid of losing myself. I’m afraid of building something that can be destroyed with one good storm.”
“We all have those kind of fears. But without risk there can be no reward. The right person doesn’t erase you, they hold you up and become a part of you. Two become one, but that doesn’t mean you’re erased, it means you’re stronger. You can have a great love and independence too.”
“He does make me take chances, but he doesn’t force me into anything. He respects me. What if that stops?”
“Then you address it. If the problem doesn’t get fixed, you end it, and you heal. It might hurt for a while, but it won’t keep you down forever. That’s what’s beautiful about love. Some think we have only one soulmate in life. I don’t believe this. I think we can have more than one, and that’s why we’re so afraid. We’re terrified we’ll make the wrong choice. We might. But we might not. Love is worth the risk.”
I smile. “When did you become so wise and all-knowing?”
“Motherhood. I’m practicing for the teenage years.” A shudder moves through both of us.
“I don’t know how anyone survives the teenage years.”
“Amen,” she says with a laugh.
“I’ll try to stop overthinking.”
She laughs again. “No you won’t, but that’s okay. It’s all part of your charm. What you can stop doing, though, is running. Think all you want, but don’t give in to those fears. Embrace what you have. It could be the greatest love story of all time.”
We sit together as I realize my life’s changing. I’ve always liked order, and change scares me, but maybe it’s what I need to move forward in life. I’m clearly seeking more chaos, and I’ve had a lot more fun than ever before. Maybe it’s about taking bigger leaps. I can do that. I’m terrified, but I’m also eager to see what happens next. I guess I need to be eager for the next chapter to begin instead of afraid to turn the page.