Chapter Nineteen
Audrey
Our time in London was fun, but we eventually had to get back to the real world. Luckily, Wolf got called away on another trip, and I went home to my condo. The separation is much harder than I ever thought possible, which is why I force myself to confront the emotion even if I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling.
We’ve been together far more than not over the past couple of months, and when he isn’t around, I miss him. I’ve avoided feeling this way for my entire life and have no idea what to do about it.
I pull back a little, forcing myself not to text him all day, not to call him every hour, and not to wait by the phone to hear from him. I need to have a life outside of Wolf. A woman who wraps her entire world around a man is sure to lose herself. It’s unsustainable.
I’ve heard you can have a healthy relationship and still be yourself. I’m not sure how to do that. Balance has never been one of my strongest virtues. When I feel like I’m getting out of control, I go to the one sure thing in my life... my bestie.
I call Chloe, who agrees to meet me at the park. It’s a nice, sunny day in Seattle, and we both feel better when we start moving. I arrive a few minutes before her at an outside café next to the park. I place our order, and it arrives just as she does with Peapod in her stroller, sound asleep.
“You’re a wonderful woman,” she says as she takes a seat, then wraps her hands around her extra-foamy vanilla chai.
“I know what feeds the soul,” I tell her with a laugh as I sip on my iced white mocha. She picks up a blueberry scone, takes a bite, and sighs. She gives me a long look.
“What’s happening with your face? Something’s going on?” We’re never good at keeping anything from each other.
“I have no idea what you mean.”
“You have that I’m spiraling look going on. You’re not about to do something stupid, are you?”
I let out a long sigh. “I think I’m in love,” I tell her, feeling my heart pound hard. She looks at me for a moment before she bursts out laughing.
“I could’ve told you that a month ago.”
“Don’t make fun of me, I’m seriously freaking out here.” I guzzle my drink before stuffing my third cookie in my mouth. “And I’m gaining weight because I’m stress eating!”
“Oh, the horror,” she says as she widens her eyes and covers her mouth. I glare at her, and she bursts out laughing again.
“I’m serious, Chloe. I’ve never let someone in like this before. Now, he’s saying he can picture a future. I said it too, but now, I don’t know, it’s scary. I miss him when he’s gone!” These words are said as pure accusation as if he’s doing this to me on purpose. I know it’s irrational, but my world’s chaotic right now and I can’t seem to be reasonable.
Her lips are twitching, but she’s desperately trying to hold herself together. I appreciate it. She takes another drink, then bites her scone. When she swallows, she gives me a serious look.
“Needing someone isn’t a sign of weakness,” she assures me. “We all need people.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’ve never been scared like me.”
“Well, that’s what makes us besties. We have our strengths and weaknesses. But look how much drama I went through when I was dating Mason. I was practically hyperventilating half of our relationship. It all worked out in the end, so I caused myself a hell of a lot of stress for no reason. Learn from your bestie’s mistakes,” she warns.
“That’s a good point.”
She leans forward. “Do you trust him?”
I think on this for a moment, then smile. “Yes, he’s honest for sure, sometimes a little too much.”
“And you love him.” I feel that moment of panic followed by bliss. How can I feel two conflicting emotions at the same time?
“Yes, I love him, even if it terrifies me.” I sip my drink again, then take in some deep breaths and calm myself.
“Well, the only question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to wait for him, or take fate into your own hands?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I think I’m going to write.”
She laughs. “You already write.”
“I think I’m going to try writing a book. I love my blog, and I don’t want to give it up, but I’ve been writing more of my thoughts, more of my adventures, a lot of things I don’t put into the blog. I don’t know that I’ll ever finish an actual book, but it seems sort of therapeutic to write down stories.” I feel foolish saying it.
“That’s amazing. Aud. You’re so dang talented, I know you’ll make the best book ever.” I grin, so glad to have her. I don’t know why it’s scary to talk about personal things. I realize it’s all me and has nothing to do with her. It’s most likely the same when it comes to Wolf, but I’m not quite ready to admit that.
“I don’t know what will happen, I just know I’m feeling restless and need to do something about it.”
“Well, what will you write about? What’s the story?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve been writing little stories here and there, adventures and things...” I trail off. This is the hard part, sharing something so personal.
“Do you have anything you can show me?”
“Would you believe that I’m sort of scared to?”
She laughs. “You blog all of the time, but you’re afraid to show your writing to your best friend?” She shakes her head.
“I know, I know, I’m being foolish.” I pull my laptop from my bag and open it. It’s funny how hard my heart’s pounding. I don’t get it. I’m a confident woman, but this, for some strange reason, makes me nervous.
I look over what I’ve written. It all began with a few paragraphs, just like writing my blog, then it turned into a page, then a chapter, then multiple chapters. It’s sort of shaping up into a story.
I push the computer over to my best friend then fight to not bite my nails as she reads. She’s wearing a smile, and even laughs a few times. My heart thunders as I wait. After about ten minutes, which feels like three hours, she looks up with a grin.
“This is amazing, Aud. You really are talented.” I let out a deep breath.
“It’s sort of about a woman who thinks she needs freedom to become whole. She travels the world searching for herself, not realizing she’s collecting puzzle pieces that only need to be put together to find out that she’s been whole the entire time.”
She grins. “And the man who always seems to find her is nice too,” Chloe tells me.
“Well, in every book or movie or story worth telling, there’s romance in one way or another.”
“That’s true, even a serial killer normally stalks his victim because he’s obsessed with her. It’s not always healthy love, but there’s romance in everything.”
A shudder runs through me. “Love has caused wars and death. Romance can be wonderful or the demise of mankind.”
“Well, if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worth finding,” she points out. “This story sounds a lot like you and Wolf.”
I sigh. “I wasn’t intending it to be about us, but at the same time, writing it all out has made me understand it, figure it out. Every time I seem to type something new, Wolf’s laugh slips in, the sound of his voice washes over me, the way he looks at me when I turn to find his gaze on me, as if he’s lost and I’m his anchor in the storm. I even love the way he fought with the dang horse while we were in London. It’s impossible for me to write anything without Wolf in mind when he’s so prevalent in my life.”
“Is it helping you figure anything out?”
“No, but I’m hopeful. I’ve laughed, gotten angry, and cried while writing different chapters. I’m certainly learning I can run through a whole gauntlet of emotions in a short time span.”
“That’s because you aren’t writing just any story, you’re writing your story!”
“Well, I guess I’m writing our story,” I say with a laugh. I can’t really take it back now that it’s on paper. I could delete it all. But I don’t want to.
Chloe pulls a notebook from her purse and starts writing things down. I look at her in confusion as I wait for her to finish. She’s concentrating, so I get up and head inside to get two more drinks. We’ll eventually start walking, but I need more caffeine right now. When I get back and hand hers over, she’s beaming at me.
“What are you up to?” I ask. She laughs as she pushes the notebook in my direction. I shake my head and laugh as I read what she’s written:
Maid of Honor Duties
—Keep Audrey from fleeing her own wedding
—Vet all caterers for the ability to serve cheeseburgers
—Practice the “don’t cry too early in the ceremony” speech
—Hold the dress for bathroom breaks
—To be continued . . .
I look up and smile before laughing. “You’re impossible. Do you know that?”
“Of course I do, but I hear wedding bells in your future.”
“There are no wedding bells,” I insist.
“From what I just read, there are wedding bells in your near future,” she insists. “You’re in love with the man. Sure, you’re terrified, but you’ll eventually get over it, and shock of all shocks, you’re going to be okay.”
“Well, I’m not telling him,” I say, then take a sip of coffee. “Not unless he says it first.”
She bursts out laughing. “I love your stubbornness. I might have to start placing bets on who’s more stubborn. This could take a while. Even so, I’ll start planning the bachelorette party. It will be epic.”
“I’m not getting married,” I insist.
“Sweetie, you’re the one writing your own story. Just make sure you add that chapter.”
“I wish life were truly that simple.”
“It can be.”
I lean back and think about it. Can that be true? Can it be as simple as writing the end to my own story? I guess I’ll find out. Until then, at least I’m enjoying the journey.