Chapter Three #2
I don’t say anything, so Nandy takes over. ‘No, thanks… We’ll catch up with you later Cassia, we’re just going to get a drink.’ She drags me off in the direction of Merlyn before Cassia has a chance to reply.
When we reach her, grabbing drinks from a tray on the way, Merlyn looks at Nandy and grins. ‘Are you Mumtaz from Brahmachari, Nandita? How fabulous.’
‘I knew you would get it straight away Merl, you’re such a legend,’ says Nandy.
Merlyn turns to me and laughs, ABBA wig quivering. ‘And Erica, that’s quite the look, my dear.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘Not sure what I was thinking, to be honest.’
‘It’s wonderful,’ says Merlyn. ‘I so enjoyed The Last of Us.’
Merlyn has managed to make me feel like I wrote the screenplay, rather than just bought a mask on Etsy. I love her for that and feel better, or maybe drunker, I’m not sure. We stand and talk and laugh about people’s costumes until Nandy wanders off to dance.
‘So… what was the proposition you mentioned?’ I say to Merlyn.
‘Oh yes… well. The thing is…’ she trails off. ‘It’s rather disconcerting speaking to you looking like that. But it certainly confirms your interest in transformation, which is promising.’
I smile underneath the omelette. Here it comes – a commission. Sounds like it could be a big one if it’s going to transform my career, and frankly, I could do with the cash to buy some dumbbells.
‘Erica, an opportunity has come up to try a new beauty treatment and I think you would be the ideal person to do so.’ She scans my mask for a reaction. Behind it, my face has fallen.
‘Hear me out,’ continues Merlyn. ‘This isn’t like anything you might have tried before.’
‘What is it, some new kind of Botox?’ I sound snappy.
But no wonder. Over the years, I’ve tested treatment after serum after supplement.
There was the much-hyped DermaLift Pro? facial in 2015, which promised the age-defying beauty of Salma Hayek – but left me with cheeks so lumpy I looked like I was storing acorns for the spring.
Oh and Eterna?, that hand-held electrical contouring device that Jennifer Aniston was rumoured to be using.
Thank god it was a freebie, as it did precisely nothing and I eventually gave it to Simon’s kids, saying it was an angry alien robot.
Then there was that plankton supplement I had to suck out of a sachet ‘on rising’.
I’d admittedly agreed to trial it due to the potential for a funny headline (Licence To Krill, Krill Or Cure…
this one was like shooting fish in a barrel, pun very much intended).
But it made no difference to my fine lines and uneven pigmentation, and tasted like the fish paste Mother Pells used to put in my sandwiches in the Eighties.
‘Merlyn, I’ve tried it all. You of all people should know that. I’m not interested in looking “fresher”. And the alternative is looking like Mufasa. So…’
‘This is different, my dear. This is…’ She leans in. ‘Quite extraordinary.’ She pronounces every single syllable: ex-tra-or-din-air-ee.
Maybe this is the revolutionary new treatment that I’ve heard whispers about from some of my editors… I soften a little, feeling special. ‘Tell me more.’
‘It’s called WULT?, which stands for “Woke Up Like This”. It’s top secret at the moment, Erica, but seriously, Yuvana Labs who created it think they might have struck gold. It’s nanotechnology. D’you know what that is?’
It rings a bell… then I remember. It’s in Ant Man. Paul Rudd really is the gift that keeps on giving.
‘Like mini robots?’
‘Pretty much. They go into your stem cells and reset the ageing process. So far, it’s only been tested on rats and a handful of clinical human trials, but Erica, my dear, we’re all very excited.’
For some reason all I can think of is the rat that stared at me on the tube earlier. Was it a sign?
‘That sounds very erm… new? I think I’ve heard about it though.’
‘It is new, Erica. But it’s ready. And safe. And…’ She looks over her shoulder as if anyone listening would possibly be able to hear us over the music. ‘We think it will make those who have the treatment look…’
I can’t work out if Merlyn is pausing for effect or if she can’t remember. But I’m quite invested by now.
‘Twenty years younger.’
‘Specifically twenty?’
‘Specifically twenty. Which will make you look mid-twenties of course.’
‘This sounds… insane,’ I say. ‘Totally insane.’
‘But in a good way, don’t you think, my dear?’
‘I’m not sure, Merlyn. I mean how would people even recognise me if I suddenly looked that much younger?’
Merlyn purses her lips. ‘Do you think anyone recognises you tonight?’
Good point. As I take it all in, Nandy reappears.
‘Hello ladies, have you finished chatting? Who’s up for a shimmy?’ Nandy always ends up enjoying herself.
Merlyn laughs as Nandy spins her around. ‘I’m definitely not too old for that.’ As they head off, Merlyn looks over her shoulder at me.
‘Think about it my dear. Yuvana Labs have got some promo ideas that could earn you some really decent money. And WULT? is going to cost ￡250,000 when it’s launched, so this might be your only chance – unless you’ve got some savings up your sleeve…’
I very much do NOT have any savings, to the point where I even went through some old coats before I left this afternoon to see if I could find a tenner.
Instead, I found some Extra Strong Mints, a Clinique Chubby Stick and what was either a shopping list with just ‘bread’ on it, or some kind of ‘note to self’ simply stating ‘dread’.
Who knows? And now, here I am, sweating under my omelette, watching Cassia out of the corner of my eye with her giant Hermès Birkin on her knee, holding court.
Ahead of me, on the dancefloor, Nandy is teaching Merlyn some Bollywood moves, which go surprisingly well with the decidedly un-Bollywood music.
Twenty years younger? Holy crap.