Chapter Twelve
Age before beauty
Yuvana Labs gave me a goodie bag to take home after the treatment.
It contained a packet of Grub’s Up chocolate-coated crickets, some gold under-eye gel patches – which frankly I have more of in my fridge than cheese – and an ‘ionic’ shower head with ‘three innovative spray modes’.
I’ve had some crappy goodie bags at beauty PR events in my time – a low point being one containing a pregnancy test and a Barack Obama mask – but seriously, you’ve just burrowed into my brain, give me a bottle of fizz already.
Also, inside the gold embossed, Yuvana Labs branded gift bag was an iPad, for me to use to write my ‘transformation diary’, as instructed by Dr Marcus.
The iPad is also gold, with curly writing on the back: Age Before Beauty.
This annoys me somewhat as it doesn’t really make sense – surely that’s what you say to someone older when you let them go first, to be a bit cheeky?
Did they think it was meaningful? Or a pun?
I could have told them a thing or two about puns if they’d asked me. JEEZ.
The iPad has been lying on my sofa since I got home from London.
Each day, I have to answer the same four questions, in as much detail as possible, treating it ‘like a journal’ – which suits me fine, having nobody to talk to about the treatment, apart from Merlyn I suppose, but all she says is that it will be ‘incredible, Erica my dear’.
Each time I submit my answers, I also have to use the iPad to take a selfie, which I send at the same time.
Once both are done, a giant tick appears on the screen followed by an overly close-up picture of Peach Jumpsuit, smiling in approval.
Day One
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Sore nose/head. I also have creaky ankles, especially when I get up, but this has been bothering me for a while.
Other than that, generally tired, irritable and more often than not, in need of the toilet (this is not new).
Also, just remembered the anxiety, dull skin, sleep issues, facial hair, brain fog, and don’t get me started on my vagina. Bet you’re glad you asked.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
I don’t really know. Excited but also not sure if I should be excited. Apprehensive. Jittery. Wobbly. I think I need something to calm me down.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Appearance worse today (even bigger shadows under eyes). Perhaps this is the effect of the sedation or the nose injector/probe thingy?
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
Haven’t seen anyone. I may see a Deliveroo rider shortly.
Day Two
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Headache/nose ache is better although not fully gone.
I’ve only taken two ibuprofen (four yesterday).
Went to the toilet slightly less last night but I think I’m dehydrated as I had some Cava delivered by way of a celebration.
I’m not going to make a fuss, but this would have been a welcome addition to the goodie bag instead of the chocolate insects. Just some feedback.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Weepy. Could be the Cava. Also watched the end of The Good Place again and the bit when Chidi walks through the door gets me every time.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
I’m not sure if it’s related to the treatment but when I put my bra on this morning there was less ‘hoicking’. I could be wrong though, maybe my bra straps moved in the wash. Otherwise, I’d say, my skin looks okay, possibly slightly brighter than it usually does post sparkling wine.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
Not been out again. Could have gone to the shops but opted to have a freezer dinner for financial reasons (a sausage roll garland from the M&S Festive Platters range that I forgot to take to my mother’s house at Christmas).
Speaking of which, can you let me know when the paperwork is coming over about the promo activity as I’d like to send you my first invoice and I don’t have a PO number.
Day Three
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Okay. Didn’t need any painkillers when I woke up and only went to the toilet once in the night.
Also noticed I wasn’t walking like Mrs Overall for the first few minutes after I got up – you may not get this reference so I will just say google it, if you’ve never watched Victoria Wood, you really should.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Better after my hangover yesterday. Reading back through the paperwork I realise it says you’re not meant to drink for the first ten days so apologies for that, I got carried away – it’s a lot to take in.
This is why my first selfie was a bit odd too, so I’d probably delete that one, I was just trying something.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
A couple of things – firstly, the grey hairs around my temples are pretty much gone.
There weren’t many and it’s not like I would ever wear my hair scraped back (I’d look like Miss Trunchbull) but that’s a nice development.
Also, I noticed a definite improvement in skin firmness when I was doing my gua sha lymphatic drainage with an energising oil this morning (I am still busy writing magazine reviews by the way, as I haven’t got the paperwork through from your accounts department yet – just another nudge on that).
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
I haven’t been out yet, but the postman Luke had some parcels for me and told me I looked ‘snatched’.
I had to google this but it means: ‘Slang (of a person) very attractive, especially as a result of doing something to improve their appearance’.
For context he’s in his twenties and normally looks at me like I’m Prue Leith.
Day Four
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Surprisingly energetic – I’ve been setting up the equipment you sent over in the spare room ready to do the Instagram content. Speaking of which, is someone from the team called Channing meant to be getting in touch with me about this?
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
I haven’t cried – not even a small tear, which is very unusual. Also, more optimistic that the treatment might be working.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Today I look much less tired, which is welcome.
I can see that my eyelids are opening more too, not just hanging over my eyes.
The crow’s feet and crepiness seem improved as well and the whites of my eyes look whiter.
My clothes also feel looser. I might stop wearing these maternity knickers my sister-in-law gave me.
(Well, she didn’t give them to me exactly – they were in a bag of clothes for the charity shop at my brother’s house and I took them.)
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
I went to the local shop/garage today and the man that served me did a kind of double take. I go in there quite a lot. He may have just been surprised I wasn’t buying wine.
Day Five
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Woke up with a headache and been feeling tired all day.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Not in a very good mood. Halfway through the ten days and to be honest it’s not exactly as ‘extraordinary’ as Merlyn made out.
I’d been hoping to have something more to show for this by now.
The giant foil balloons in the shape of ‘27’ that have just gone up in my neighbour’s window are presumably for a family birthday event they’re having, but frankly I feel like they’re mocking me.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
I suppose my skin looks pretty good today and the grey hair is gone but nothing particularly new to report, which is disappointing.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
Haven’t seen anyone. Starting to wonder what the point of this is and getting quite bored. Watching Schitt’s Creek again to cheer myself up. (I was going to rewatch The Last of Us but… it doesn’t matter.)
Day Six
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Pretty good so I’d like to apologise for yesterday and also the gesture I made in the selfie.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Also good. I’m not going to tempt fate by saying it out loud, but it’s okay to write it here as that doesn’t count – I think it might be working.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Huge development – the lines around my neck seem to have gone. Literally disappeared. Also, my neck seems weirdly more separate from my head, it had previously merged, but my jawline is much more noticeable now. I’ve tried to show this in the selfie.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
My friend Keith FaceTimed me and I answered it without thinking (I know I’m meant to be keeping a low profile).
He made a kind of growling noise when he saw me, in a positive way.
It’s hard to explain. He did a kind of cat paw/claw thing with his hand at the same time.
I don’t think I’m describing this very well.
Day Seven
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Like I’ve got new trainers on that have really bouncy soles. I don’t have trainers on, I just mean I feel really energetic. I also slept all night for nine hours.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Positive. Very positive.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Today I noticed my face seems to have lifted up, and the jowls that I had are barely noticeable. In profile, you just see nose and chin – not nose, chin, a weird bit, another chin, a neck, and then a kind of extra neck. It’s amazing.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
I haven’t seen anyone but my mum messaged me this morning and I remembered it’s her birthday soon, so I’ve been thinking about seeing her (and my brother and his family), which is worrying me slightly.
I feel as though, looking at myself now in the mirror, the change is really noticeable. Any advice welcome.
Day Eight
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Slept for ten hours and contemplated going for a run this morning (I didn’t).
Instead (sorry if this is too much information but I think it’s important), I have some electrical items from Gwyneth Paltrow (not her directly, from her website Goop), which I used for the first time in ages.
If you don’t know what I mean let’s just leave it.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Giggly, almost hysterical. In a good way. (The selfie hopefully shows that, ignore the hat, just been trying on some old clothes.)
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
I’ve been examining myself in the mirror this morning and today what I noticed was the flabby saggy floppiness seems to be disappearing, especially under my arms and on my thighs.
The skin on my body is really smooth too, without all those goosebumps, spider veins and cellulite patches.
I might wear a skirt today with no tights – just inside though as it’s January.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
I haven’t seen anyone, but I messaged my boyfriend (well not really boyfriend but hopefully he will be soon) and suggested we meet up, and told him I had a surprise for him. This went down well. As will my tits I imagine, they seem to be about three inches further up my chest.
Day Nine
1. How are you feeling physically today?
Really excellent.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Pretty shocked. Trying to take it all in. I think it’s actually worked.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
My feet don’t have that sort of wooden-looking ridge around the sole anymore, they’re really smooth.
Another thing I noticed today was that the back of my hands don’t look like a relief map of the Nile Delta.
The veins seem to have returned to their rightful position under the skin rather than on top of it.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
The postman Lucas (I think I got his name wrong before) came for the first time since the other day with a parcel for me and when I opened the door, he didn’t recognise me.
It was slightly inconvenient as he said he needed a resident to sign for parcels, so I said I was my niece and I was staying with me (confusing I know).
He let me sign for the parcels in the end.
Makes me think there might be some upcoming issues with identity but I’m sure it won’t be a problem.
Also, a quick note to say thanks for sorting out the paperwork, I’ve sent my first invoice to your accounts department.
I still haven’t heard from Channing yet about the content plan though?
Day Ten
1. How are you feeling physically today?
I’m not going to lie, I did have some (a lot of) wine last night, but I am pretty much hangover free.
I tried on all my old Nineties clothes (which fit, incredibly, so glad I kept them) and did some dancing in my living room to Ministry of Sound.
Again, if you’re not familiar, have a listen on Spotify, I recommend the 1997 one with Pete Tong and Boy George that has Olive’s ‘You’re Better Off Alone’ on it.
Not sure the couple next door with the baby were too pleased though.
2. How are you feeling emotionally today?
Like I’ve met my old self again. It is extraordinary – I’m sorry I doubted Yuvana, and Merlyn. As I’m typing this, I’m crying a bit. But not like I used to. Happy tears – very, very happy tears.
3. Note any changes you’ve observed in your physical appearance since starting the treatment.
Everything. Everything has changed – my face, my body, the way I feel. I’m young again.
4. Describe any reactions or comments you’ve received from others about your physical transformation.
I’m getting ready to tell my friends. I think they’re going to be amazed, and really delighted for me.