Chapter Thirty-Eight
Cassia Carver has left the chat
Kaleidoscopic dreams of a weird cosmetic surgeon, Simon’s compost toilet and the face of Gabe Dix bring me to the morning of the next day.
The first thing I do is touch my nose, which is still covered in a large dressing.
The pain in my head is identical to back in January, like I’ve leant forward on a pencil, so I reach over and grab some ibuprofen from the bedside table.
I can barely remember getting to bed, but I think Cassia helped me.
Right on cue there’s a knock on the bedroom door, and there she is in a perfect #OOTD: Zara jeans, white Veja trainers and an oversized blazer. If she hadn’t been so kind to me, I would tell her to influence off for looking so put together when I look so… pulled apart.
‘I’m going to go now, Erica, do you need anything?’
I didn’t actually know she’d stayed the night. ‘Erm… no. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome. Remember to keep us updated on the group chat,’ she says. ‘Professor Brandt said it went as well as could be expected so… good luck, sweetie. See you on the other side. The right side.’
And she’s gone.
It’s quite humbling (by which I mean maddening) to be schooled by someone like Cassia, but I admit she’s got the whole ageing thing sorted out a lot better than me.
And now, I wait. It’s the weirdest feeling.
I know I won’t be welcoming back the old parts of me like I welcomed the bouncy, youthful skin.
But with my jowls, lines, cellulite and all of that, comes a chance to return to my old life and do it properly.
I’m like a perimenopausal version of Scrooge on Christmas morning.
Make Erica Old Again
Group: Six Members
24 August
09:20 Erica Pells
Thanks @Cassia for staying and keeping an eye on me. And thanks everyone else for last night. Fingers crossed now…
09:22 Cassia Carver
So welcome sweetie!
09:24 Merlyn Vye
Buona fortuna Erica!
09:26 Josie Gauthier-Magennis
Sending lots of love @Erica from all of us.
09:29 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
How is your nose today? Mon Dieu, that thing went up quite far.
09:31 Josie Gauthier-Magennis
I’m sure Erica doesn’t want to hear that @Laure. Are you still in the shop? Can you get Helly some Hula Hoops?
25 August
06:28 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
I think we should send Rosamund a thank-you gift.
09:54 Portia Crump
Might be better to wait and see if the reversal actually works? @Erica any signs yet?
19:08 Erica Pells
Sorry for silence. Feeling a bit despondent as I don’t look or feel any different. I really need this to work.
19:10 Cassia Carver
Make yourself a Corpse Reviver sweetie. You’ll look ten years older tomorrow after a few of those.
19:11 Erica Pells
Thanks @Cassia very helpful.
26 August
08:12 Erica Pells
Morning everyone. I have a couple of grey hairs around my temples.
08:35 Merlyn Vye
Eccellente!
09:02 Josie Gauthier-Magennis
Great news @Erica!
09:10 Cassia Carver
You’ll need to embrace the grey this time. #silversisterhood
09:12 Erica Pells
I’ll get back to you on that @Cassia.
27 August
11:17 Portia Crump
How are you getting on @Erica?
12:05 Erica Pells
I’m completely knackered today and slept really badly last night. Also finding all my clothes really tight, which is a ‘good’ sign.
14:13 Cassia Carver
Shall I drop round some clothes for you? I’ve just done a Free People try on.
18:47 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
Any update on the gift for Rosamund? Just trying to smooth things over at work.
20:09 Erica Pells
@Cassia thanks but we’re not really the same size.
20:10 Cassia Carver
@Erica it’s no problem, they sent me the plus size stuff too.
20:11 Erica Pells
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28 August
07:45 Merlyn Vye
Any news, Erica my dear?
09:12 Erica Pells
No, and I’m really concerned that the treatment has somehow reset me permanently.
Apart from feeling knackered and a couple of grey hairs, that’s about it.
I would say I look 35, or 30 after a difficult year.
If this is the extent of the reversal, it’s not great.
I really need to go and see my mum and look like ME.
And not just that, Gen Z are bad enough, I don’t want to have to make friends with Millennials.
I want to get back to my real life, and my real friends. @Josie I’m sorry again.
09:18 Josie Gauthier-Magennis
You’ve apologised enough Erica, it’s OK. And you need to give this time. It’s only day five. @Merlyn do you agree?
09:23 Merlyn Vye
Absolutely!
12:34 Cassia Carver
I can totally relate Erica, when I tried to kick my Shellac habit it took much longer than I expected to see a difference.
12:35 Erica Pells
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29 August
11:16 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
I’ve taken the liberty of buying a Thermos for Rosamund. It has a separate section in the lid for tea bags and snacks.
14:28 Erica Pells
The lines on my neck are back everyone. I used to call it my nematode neck because they look like worm segments.
I’m trying to think of something more positive, so I don’t hate them all over again.
But to be honest, I’m just pleased it seems to be working.
In fact, I just messaged my mum to say I’ll be in to visit her soon.
12:34 Cassia Carver
How about calling them Legacy Lines? We could make it into a hashtag and do a reel together! Thoughts?
20:09 Erica Pells
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30 August
08:12 Erica Pells
Hi everyone – just to let you know I had a terrible night’s sleep as befits a woman of my age, and was walking like Homo habilis when I got up. Also, the jowls are back, and a couple of extra chins. Mixed feelings.
08:35 Merlyn Vye
It’s difficult Erica, I understand, but remember the benefits will outweigh the downsides.
09:02 Portia Crump
This is good news, Erica. I suppose you’re not Baby Spice anymore?
09:03 Erica Pells
No! But you’ll always be Posh, @Portia.
09:04 Cassia Carver
Sorry to butt in! It’s just if Portia is Posh, I’m guessing @Laure is sporty, so that wouldn’t really work, as then I’d be Ginger.
09:05 Erica Pells
@Cassia she does seem to be the remaining Spice Girl, yes.
09:09 Cassia Carver
@Erica I wore that Union Jack dress ONCE, and it was part of a paid promotion.
09:14 Portia Crump
09:18 Cassia Carver
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09:25 Cassia Carver has left the chat
31 August
09:24 Portia Crump
Has Cassia left the chat?
09:25 Erica Pells
Yes, it’s fine, it’s just Cassia, she’ll get over it. Least of my worries right now to be honest.
16:12 Merlyn Vye
A peacock spat in my tapenade – of course I want my money back.
16:13 Merlyn Vye
Disregard above message, wrong group.
18:47 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
@Erica are we feeling pretty confident about the reversal working now – keen to give the Thermos to Rosamund if so.
20:09 Erica Pells
@Laure I think so. I was watching GBBO last night and Paul Hollywood was either having an off day (unlikely) or there’s something wrong with my libido. Might make a GP appointment for some HRT when I get home.
20:10 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
@Erica ‘TMI’ as Hélo?se would say.
1 September
10:28 Merlyn Vye
How goes it, Erica my dear, are you nearly there?
13:06 Erica Pells
@Merlyn you know that scene in Indiana Jones where the German soldier drinks from the wrong cup and then gets old and turns to dust in about 20 seconds? It’s a bit slower but basically that’s what’s happening to me.
13:08 Portia Crump
13:09 Erica Pells
Thanks @Portia.
13:11 Josie Gauthier-Magennis
Hope you’re OK @Erica. I’m going to make your favourite chicken with potatoes and prunes when you get home. Keith says tell his girly-pop he can’t wait to see her beautiful frown lines.
13:13 Erica Pells
Thanks @Josie.
2 September
09:24 Portia Crump
Day 10 Erica!
09:25 Erica Pells
Yes, well, it’s definitely worked alright. I ventured out this morning and was royally ignored by humankind in general, and when I got back into my block of flats a neighbour asked me if I was ‘lost, dear?’.
14:47 Laure Gauthier-Magennis
Rosamund really appreciated the Thermos, everyone. @Portia she was also asking if she can get written confirmation that the WULT? brand has now ceased operating as per the conditions of helping Erica.
14:50 Portia Crump
@Laure email on the way to her.
15:01 Merlyn Vye
Are you OK, @Erica my dear?
15:05 Erica Pells
Yes thanks Merlyn. When I say I feel like my old self again, I really mean it. But new adventures await and I had an interesting email this morning. And at least now I can go and visit my mum. And my best friend, if she’ll see me. Thanks everyone. I’ll delete this group now. Love Erica X