Chapter 8 #2
“Love is more than a feeling, Elizabeth,” Mrs. Gardiner told her.
“You say you care for him, but what else? Do you enjoy his touch? Do you want to be with him, to speak to him about whatever you think or feel? Do you look forward to seeing him, and can you sit quietly with him? If you think about days of not seeing him, how do you feel?”
“I enjoy it when he holds my hand or touches my elbow to guide me. When I read Mary’s letter the other day, I first wanted to speak to him about what it revealed about Jane.
And if I were to imagine days without him, I think I would be despondent.
I want to see and speak to him as often as possible, and I would be terribly upset if I thought I had scared him away and would never see him again.
However, what if Mama and Jane are right, and when he comes to know me better, he will want little to do with me?
Mama barely thought I was worthy of a barrister, even when that was all she knew about him, and she will not believe me worthy of him when he is a landed gentleman with an estate worth twice as much as Longbourn.
What if we are already married when I frighten him away, or he realises I am not the woman he wanted? ”
“Do not even think about what your Mama has said to you,” Mrs. Gardiner admonished her earnestly.
“She is a foolish woman who does not like you because of something you had no control over. She has neglected you your entire life; her opinion of you means nothing. The voices you should remember are your grandmother’s, mine and your uncle’s, and now Mr. Darcy’s.
Even though he is not yet ready to say the words, I believe you do love each other, and the love you have will last.”
“How will I know?” Elizabeth whispered.
“What does your heart say?” her aunt prompted.
“Not to let him go,” she replied.
“Then I think you have your answer, dear,” came the reply from Mrs. Gardiner. “Now, should I send him back in here, or would you prefer your uncle and I stay for the conversation?”
“I need a moment to apologise to him for my outburst, and perhaps we can all discuss matters. He spoke of my dowry, and while I know Grandmother left me something in the care of my uncle, I do not know any further details. And I would like to know more of the inheritance Fitzwilliam’s mother told him about last night,” Elizabeth said.
“Are you aware you have repeatedly called him by his Christian name in this conversation?” Mrs. Gardiner laughingly asked.
Elizabeth sighed. “Yes, and I imagine that should be another indication of my feelings, should it not?”
“Yes, and perhaps you and he should discuss those feelings and share your fears with him. Your uncle has shared a bit about your parents, but he will not fully understand how those things have affected you. Only you can tell Mr. Darcy exactly how those things have affected you and your ideas about marriage. He is treating you as a partner already by discussing these matters with you; your uncle said he declined to make any decisions today when they met because Mr. Darcy wanted to discuss things with you. He already sees you as an equal to him, my dear.”
“That is certainly reassuring,” Elizabeth replied. She took several deep breaths before saying in a clear, firm voice, “I am ready to speak to him again and apologise for my outburst. Might we speak privately again at first and then call you and Uncle in when we are ready?”
“Of course, Lizzy,” was the reply. Mrs. Gardiner hurried out to send Mr. Darcy back into the room with her niece to work things out.
Darcy re-entered the room, uncertain of his reception.
Mrs. Gardiner had assured him he had merely taken her niece unawares and scolded him and her husband for not consulting her before they took up this topic.
Darcy had felt slightly amused at hearing his friend scolded by his wife and wondered idly if this was not how things would be between Elizabeth and him one day.
The thought was pleasant, and he was even more determined not to ruin things between them.
With the admonition to take things slowly ringing in his ears, Darcy entered, finding Elizabeth deep in thought and pacing the room.
Moving directly into her path, he stood momentarily as he waited for her to either notice him or collide with him.
She came perilously close to colliding with him, only halting her stride upon noticing his shoes directly in her path.
“Fitzwilliam,” she cried, shaking her head to clear it.
Laughing at herself, she said, “I do not know how you sneaked up on me, especially as I was expecting you to return, but I was lost in my thoughts. I … I need to apologise to you for my outburst. You caught me off guard with the discussion of marriage—while I knew that was your intention when you asked to court me, I … I do not think, er, well, I had not considered we might speak of it so soon. My uncle mentioned he would speak to you about my family this morning, and somehow, I had spent most of the day thinking the story would be more likely to drive you away rather than to make you desire to move forward.”
“Why would you think that?” he asked, intrigued as to why this woman would believe her history would make a suitor leave rather than encourage him to stay.
“My aunt and I have spoken a great deal since I came to London on this trip. One reason is that we both knew I would not return to Longbourn after this visit. Ever since Grandmother passed away, my mother has become worse in her treatment of me—she never struck me, though she rarely has anything good to say. When Grandmother was alive, at least there was some good to counter the bad, but without her, all I have heard was the bad,” Elizabeth admitted.
“So, for the last two years, all you have heard is how unladylike you are and how unlikely you are ever to find a man who wanted you, and after hearing little to counter that, you had come to believe it?” he asked to clarify.
“Something like that,” she replied. Sighing deeply, she ploughed ahead.
“Marriage frightens me. I am certain at one point, my parents believed they loved each other, but whatever they felt was not enough to last. I refuse to marry someone who cannot or will not respect me. My father mocks us all: my mother, my sisters, and even myself, whom he claims to love above my other sisters. That was the first lesson I learned when I came to London, as I had taken up my father’s mantle and mimicked his behaviour.
He is a poor example, but I received some approval following his lead.
Mama approved of nothing I did, but in laughing with Papa, it felt like we had something in common.
But Papa is a bitter man who ignores his family and mocks them publicly.
That is not an example anyone should follow.
I will forever be grateful my aunt and uncle brought me to London, and I hope Mary can also come soon.
I do not know if anything can be done for the rest of my sisters, nor am I certain how to work a change, even if they desired it. ”
“I had an excellent example of marriage in my parents. My mother misses my father dreadfully, and they loved all of their children. I am so sorry your parents could not find a way to do the same,” Darcy said, reaching out to take her hand in his.
“I hope to have the kind of marriage they had, the kind of marriage your aunt and uncle have. I want to love my wife, but more importantly, I want my wife to be a partner and to work with me for the benefit of our family. Can I confess that since I learned of this inheritance, I have had an image of you working alongside me? Of course, the image I have is the study at Pemberley, but I am certain it will still be applicable in whichever estate I am given.” Drawing a breath, he carefully approached the topic so close to his heart.
“I am not asking you to marry me now as we have barely begun to court. However, I do want you to know that is what I want, and when you are ready, I will ask. Please do not assume I will know when you are ready, so feel free to nudge me. I merely wanted to speak to you about what I had learned from my mother.” He stopped and sighed, continuing: “I frightened you by broaching the topic before we were ready to speak. What I learned was such a surprise, and I wanted to share my change of circumstances with you. I know it will not alter your feelings toward me, though I would not want you to accept a barrister only to learn afterwards that I am instead a landed gentleman.”
Elizabeth nodded. “That shows me the respect you have for me. You are right; you needed to disclose the circumstances. While, in truth, none of this will influence the nascent sentiments I harbour, it does change the life I might expect when I accept you.” She noticed the beaming smile her statement elicited.
“Yes, I said ‘when,’ you silly man. I believe I have come to agree with the rest of the family, who believe our union to be a certainty. Though, I would appreciate a day or two to wrap my head around the matter. I am only seventeen and honestly did not expect ever to marry. I have been told too often I have nothing to attract a man and that I am nothing to my sister. Despite other voices telling me otherwise, it is my mother’s voice I hear the strongest in my head. ”
“Thank you, my dearest Elizabeth,” he said with a smile and a teasing smirk.
“It warms my heart to discover your willingness to come around to my perspective after just a minor fuss. But I must clarify, even without meeting your sister, I cannot imagine her measuring up to you. You are everything lovely, and I struggled to speak to you that first night when I saw you—you were so stunningly lovely. And you have only grown lovelier in my eyes as I have come to know you better.”
She arched her eyebrow at him. “That is quite a leap, Fitzwilliam,” she retorted. “Perhaps you will be made to see things my way just as easily. And I believe it took both my uncle and my aunt speaking with both of us to resolve matters.”
“Actually, I believe it can all be attributed to your aunt,” he replied. “She managed your uncle as easily as I hope you will come to manage me one day.”
Elizabeth laughed despite herself, and Darcy soon followed.
The Gardiners poked their heads in when they heard the merriment the couple were making.
“Good, the two of you have worked things out. Let us go into dinner before it cools, and the cook gets upset. We have much to discuss,” Gardiner said to the young couple.