Chapter Eleven
“DO YOU REMEMBER last Christmas when you read me the riot act?” Rosalind asked. “You told me I was as much to blame for my problems as Thomas?”
“Of course, I remember.”
“You said things no one else was willing to say. Things that were uncomfortable for me to hear.”
“Someone had to.”
“You’re right. Someone did,” Rosalind said. “And if you hadn’t, we might never have had our little Christmas miracle here.” She paused to scoop up the baby and cradle him. “That is why I’m going to return the favor.”
Susan’s skin was starting to twitch again. “How so?”
“I’m going to tell you some truths,” Rosalind said. “Starting with the fact that for someone who’s so obsessed with psychology, you suck at self-awareness.”
Susan felt as though she had been slapped. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” Rosalind said. “Do you honestly believe you’re some ugly little lump that no one likes? Give me a break. If that’s the case then why were you invited to a half-dozen weddings this year?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m the boss?”
“Correction. My husband is the boss and Thomas wasn’t invited to half as many.”
He wasn’t? Susan always assumed he didn’t attend because he’d scaled back his business commitments since their reconciliation. “Probably because they know he’s been preoccupied, and figured they’d invite the one most likely to attend.”
“What about Linus? Did they figure he was too busy, as well?”
“I…” She couldn’t answer that. Everyone loved Linus. “He’s been distracted lately too.”
“So these people knew Thomas and Linus wouldn’t attend their weddings, but figured you would and that was why you got an invitation?” Rosalind folded her arms. “Do you hear yourself?”
“If you’re going to put it like that, of course it’s going to sound ludicrous,” Susan said.
“How would you put it then?”
Susan opened her mouth only to shut it again. She wasn’t sure. “Company social invitations don’t mean anything. There could be any number of reasons why I drew the short straw.”
“And what about last night? Linus said you mingled with the best of them.”
She’d already told them the reason. Lewis had been by her side. “Mingling is easy when you’re dating a celebrity. I’ve been a rock star all month. Everyone wanted to chat.”
“Or maybe,” Rosalind said, “it was that for once, you were willing to chat back.”
Susan frowned. What did that mean?
“I’ve seen you at Collier’s functions,” her sister-in-law went on. “You tuck yourself in the corner and act all aloof. When someone comes up to talk to you, you’re fine, but otherwise you pull yourself away. You’re the one being antisocial, not them.”
“That’s not true.”
Rosalind arched her brow. “Really?”
All right, maybe she did stand off to the side, but it was only as a matter of self-preservation. Pretend you’re not hurting, and you won’t.
“You would too if your coworkers thought you were a shrew.”
“What?”
At the sight of her sister-in-law’s shocked expression, Susan felt a twinge of satisfaction. “Shrewsan. That’s my nickname at work.”
“Who calls you that?”
“Everyone.”
“Seriously.”
“Well, almost everyone,” Susan said, feeling defensive now. “Courtney and Ginger…” She paused. Come to think of it, they were the only two people she’d heard use the term. She only assumed the rest of the company did, as well.
Was it possible she was allowing the nasty opinion of two trolls to color her opinion?
No, because her problems had been going on far longer than that. School. University. She’d been separated from the world her entire life.
She offered her final argument, daring Rosalind to come up with a counterpoint. “If I’m so damn likable, then why isn’t my phone ringing with invitations? Why am I stuck spending weekends alone?”
“Probably because people think you’ll say no if asked.” Rosalind adjusted the baby on her shoulder. “I’ve heard you back out of plans with Linus. I’m sure you back out of others.”
Like invitations to lunch.
“Look, I get it,” her sister-in-law continued. “Thomas told me what your mother is like. But did you ever think that the reason people don’t socialize with you is because you don’t socialize with them?”
“Why should I?” Susan said. “They’re only going to…”
“What?”
“Leave.” She didn’t need to listen to this. Not today. “I’ve got a headache,” she said, starting for the door.
“How do you know?” Rosalind asked. “How do you know people will leave if you don’t give them a chance to stay?”
Was that what she did? Susan sat on the edge of the sofa and thought hard about Rosalind’s words. All this time she was protecting herself, was it possible she was being her own worst enemy?
“Lewis left,” she whispered.
“He’s just upset.” Rosalind’s voice softened, the way Thomas’s had earlier. And like before, Susan felt the tears threatening.
“You’re worth a lot more than a fake boyfriend or a casual hookup. You’re pretty and you’re smart, and if Lewis Matolo didn’t appreciate that for anything beyond what you could do for him, then he’s the one missing out.”
Susan would listen to a lot of things, but disparaging remarks about Lewis weren’t on the list. “Lewis is amazing. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I don’t think he even knows how amazing he is. I’m just not in his league.”
Rosalind sat next to her. “Yes, you are. You’re a Collier. You have four hundred years of legacy behind you. You can be in any league you want.”
She didn’t know what to say. For the third time in twenty-four hours, she was being told she mattered to the family.
All you really need are a few people who care. That was what Lewis had said. Looked like she had those people.
If only she could make Lewis care for her too. “I think I’m in love with him,” she told Rosalind.
Her sister-in-law snaked her free arm around Susan’s shoulders. “Then let’s hope he smartens up and realizes what he had.”
Susan didn’t know if that was possible.
Rosalind’s lecture stuck with her the rest of the day and into the evening.
How appropriate that it would be her sister-in-law who delivered the tough love.
Last year at this time, it’d been Susan reminding Rosalind of something similar.
As she nursed her glass of wine, she found herself circling a familiar cliché: the pot calling the kettle black.
Looking across the street, she saw most of her neighbors had their Christmas trees lit.
One apartment was throwing a party. Seeing the people laughing in the window, she wondered if it was true and her insecurities were her own worst enemy.
She’d certainly been wrong about her family.
All those years of feeling like a square peg, unwanted and unlike the rest, and it turned out her brothers didn’t care what shape she came in.
Of course, that didn’t change things with Lewis. All the tough love in the world wouldn’t make him want her. She’d laid herself bare and he’d rejected her.
Did he? Or did you hold him at arm’s length too?
From the very start, she’d been waiting for their affair to end. Pretending for both their sakes that their lovemaking didn’t mean anything.
But it did. She loved him. What they shared had been real on her part. She’d never told him though. In fact, she’d pretended she didn’t care. She hadn’t even invited him to Christmas Eve for crying out loud. How was he supposed to know she cared unless she let him in?
Downing the rest of her wine in one swallow, she grabbed her phone. Lewis’s number was on speed dial. Number one. She pressed the button before her courage ran out.
His voice mail answered.
“Hey, Lewis, it’s me.” She rushed the words as fast as she could. “I know I’m the last person you want to talk with right now, but I wanted to let you know I’m sorry for…”
No, that wasn’t what she wanted to say.
“I wanted to let you know that you were the best fake boyfriend around and that I love…loved every minute we spent together. As far as I’m concerned, the relationship was real—very real—and I’m sorry that I ever said anything to Linus.
If I could take it back, I would because you deserve nothing but the best. Oh, and Lewis… ”
She stopped herself from disconnecting.
“If there’s any chance you feel the same or could feel the same…please come to Thomas and Roseanne’s vow renewal on Christmas Eve. Not because I need a date, but because I want to see you again and there’s nothing I’d like better than to spend the holidays with you. You…you matter to me.”
There, she thought with a sniff. No one could say she hadn’t made the effort. The rest was up to Lewis.
There was only one thing to do when the going got tough, and that was turn off his phone and belly up to the bar.
And, because he was a glutton for punishment, he picked the place where the whole debacle had started.
The bar was as empty as it had been a month ago.
Emptier. Because a particular brunette wasn’t perched on a stool nearby.
“Hey, welcome back.”
Just his luck. It was the same bartender.
“Are you here alone or is your girlfriend with you?”
“Haven’t you read the papers?” Lewis replied. “She wasn’t my girlfriend.”
“Could have fooled me. You two looked crazy about each other.”
“Goes to show, you can’t always believe what you see. Lady was way out of my league.”
“Huh.”
“What?” Lewis asked. He couldn’t believe he was discussing his love life with a bartender.
On the other hand, he was in a bar so who else was going to talk with him?
It beat staying home and wondering what he was going to do with his life.
“If you have an opinion, you might as well go ahead and say it.”
The bartender shrugged. “You didn’t strike me as someone who hesitates about going after what you want, no matter how out of reach it seems.”
“Once upon a time maybe.” When reaching meant getting out of a lesser situation. “Unfortunately, just because you want something doesn’t mean it’ll last.” Especially if you didn’t belong in the same world. People walk away.