Chapter Eighteen
Chapter
Eighteen
It was a week into November, and it was after midnight.
“So, what happened after that?” she asked me.
I threw the pair of dice and got a seven. I advanced the thimble seven spaces and paid out the money for Kentucky Avenue.
“I slept for a day and a half,” I said quietly.
“But Lara kissed you once before, right?” she asked, amused.
I picked up the dice and held them out. She blew on them and I threw them for her. Six. I advanced the race car that many spaces.
“Hot damn,” she said. “I have enough for Park Place.”
I dutifully took the money from that side of the board and counted it out, turning over the property card to her side. “Yeah. But not like that. This time Lara was letting me know what she could do.”
“Ah,” she said. “So?”
I shifted uncomfortably. “So what?”
She smiled faintly. “So how do you feel about it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I think it was bad for me.”
“Oh?”
“Anything that feels that good probably is,” I said.
“Harry. Are you sure you aren’t leaning Catholic?”
I stared at the board and said, “It’s not funny.”
“It’s a little funny,” she assured me.
I frowned and didn’t move.
“Game’s gonna take a while if you don’t roll the dice,” she said quietly.
I closed my eyes. I was tired. I usually got too sleepy to stay awake around now, but…
“You’re not drinking tonight,” she noted.
“No,” I said. “Figured it was time to stop.”
“That’s a good thing. It never helped me, really.”
I took a deep breath.
“Molly thinks I’m trying to kill myself,” I said.
There was a long silence.
“What do you think?” she said gently.
“I…” I rolled the dice around in my palm, listening to them click. “If I was insane…would I know it?”
“When I talked to counselors,” she said, “they would usually say that words like sane and insane weren’t very useful.”
I put the dice down. Harder than I had to.
“Let’s review,” she said. “You went out with insufficient precautions against ghouls, failed to use your magic against them when the balloon went up, and then tried to start a fistfight with another ghoul at an Accorded event while under guest-right, delivering what could have been a deadly insult to your host. At a time when everyone is a little paranoid about upholding the old laws because the last one to break them started a fight that might have exposed the supernatural world to mortals.”
“Did expose them,” I said quietly. “At least in town. And in the smart circles.”
“Stop deflecting,” she said. “Is that what you did?”
I counted through my Monopoly money slowly. “Yes,” I said. “I did that.”
“If it wasn’t you,” she said, “if it was just some random other wizard behaving that way, what would you think about it?”
“I’d think he was insane,” I said. “That he was trying to die.”
She blew out a slow breath. And just let me sit with that.
“Maybe I deserve it,” I said.
“Maybe you aren’t the one to decide such things,” she replied.
I didn’t answer.
“You look tired,” she said.
“Stars and stones,” I said. “I’m so tired. I’ve been so tired for so long.”
“Harry. You know I enjoy this,” she said. “This time together.”
I nodded.
Her voice turned quiet and very, very gentle. “And you know it isn’t good for you. Night after night.”
I ached. And I just wanted to slide out of my chair and fall over and quit.
“It’s what I have,” I said.
Her tone firmed up. “Bullshit,” she said.
I looked up at her sharply.
“You’ve got Maggie,” she said. “You’ve got the new kid. You’ve got Will, and Michael, and so many other people, Harry. You need to reach out to them. You need to take care of yourself. You need sleep.”
“I can’t sleep,” I said.
“Oh, do you think maybe, just maybe, the guy who is subconsciously trying to get himself killed by way of self-punishment is denying himself rest for the same reason?”
I frowned at that. “That’s helpful. That kind of sarcasm.”
She made a dismissive sound. “I’m your friend,” she said. “That’s never going to change. It means I tell you the truth.”
Weariness hit me like a brick. My shoulders sagged.
Her voice changed again, swelling with compassion. “Oh, Harry. Please. If your daughter had been through something like this, would you want to punish her?”
“Of course not,” I said automatically.
“Why not?”
“Because she wouldn’t deserve…” I took a deep breath. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” she said quietly.
“I’m not…I can’t see it like that,” I said.
“Not yet,” she agreed. “But you’re getting closer. Maybe you should pretend that you can see it like that. Just for tonight.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Go to bed, you half-wit,” she said fondly. “Go get in bed and pull up your covers and pretend you’re a little girl whose father loves her very much and go to sleep.”
“But…we didn’t finish the game,” I whispered.
“Oh, Harry,” she said. “There will be other games.”
I felt so very tired.
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“You go ahead,” she said. “I’ll watch over you for a while.”
I sat still for a moment, the inertia crushing.
Then I got up and slogged over to my bed. I took a moment to take off my clothes and barely made it under the covers and onto my pillow before my eyes crashed shut and refused to open again.
She started humming a quiet tune. I didn’t recognize it.
I didn’t drift off to sleep so much as plummet there.
And I slept until morning.