All Roads Lead Home #5
My throat starts to close in, and my heart flutters.
A smile creeps up on the corner of my mouth, and I touch the drawing again.
Twenty-four hours ago, I had no idea what to expect being here.
I was scared and anxious. Maybe on some level I felt bad for my dad.
I felt bad that I’d left him. He was my best friend, and I loved Aunt Cami and my grandma, and suddenly they became strangers.
It’s not that I don’t love my mom, but I find it unfair that I was used as a pawn in their relationship.
That whatever problems they were having in their lives were reflected onto me.
Just because my mom hated my father meant that by proxy, I had to hate him too. Even though I had no reason to.
Being within these walls again and with these people, I’m reminded that I’m with family.
I look at my dad in the kitchen, cutting slices of pie, humming along to the Christmas music playlist. I missed him.
“Hey, Dad.” I walk over to him.
“What’s up?”
“I was thinking… Since I’m only in the office two days a week, maybe I don’t need to find a place in the city.”
My dad looks up and his brows rise. There’s so much hope in his eyes, but also pain, like he doesn’t want to believe something that won’t happen.
“Really?” he barely gets out.
My eyes land past him to the drawing on the fridge.
“Really.” I smile. “At least for now.”
My dad pulls me into a hug, and it just feels right. Everything feels right, except there’s one thing that’s missing.
“Dad,” I say. “Would I be able to borrow your car? I just need to do something super quick.”
“Now?” He looks at me.
“Yeah,” I say. “Now.”
I wish I could say it was as simple as me getting in my dad’s truck and flying down the small streets of Beacon.
The reality is that in the time I’ve been inside, there has been significant snowfall.
Thankfully, the size of our driveway is modest, and my dad loves shoveling.
Eventually, I’m able to get out, but only after ten minutes of heating up the truck and scraping the snow off it. East Coast winters are fun.
“Shit.” I hit the brakes at a stop sign, not sure whether I make a left or a right. I’ve never driven in Beacon. I left before I got my license. Instead, I let my muscle memory take over and remember my bike path.
The streets are quiet and magically illuminated by all the homes with Christmas lights. It looks like a dream. How can a town be so perfect?
I get to Willow Street, and that’s when I see the house. The house that practically makes me feel just as nostalgic as when I entered my childhood home. I park on the street, clutch my jacket close, and run to the front door.
I can see the lights on inside and a few cars in the driveway—one of which I remember from earlier. As I wait for someone to answer I can practically feel my heart beating through my chest, an overwhelming burst of joy and hope flowing through me.
The door opens, and I see a familiar face, just as pretty as I remember, with a few more lines around the eyes.
“Elle?!” Ryan’s mom says. “Elle, is that you?”
“Hi, Mrs. Mills,” I say awkwardly.
“Oh my goodness, honey!” She steps out onto the front porch and gives me the biggest hug. “My god, look at you! You’re beautiful.”
“I’m so sorry to intrude,” I say, “but—”
“Elle?” Ryan appears behind his mom, wiping his hands on a dish towel. He looks confused. Worried. Like I might be in trouble. “Is everything okay?” He rushes toward us.
“It’s fine,” I assure him. “I just—”
“Lord, come inside, Elle.” Mrs. Mills pulls me in. “It’s freezing out there.”
“Mom,” Ryan says. “Could you just give us a second?”
“Oh yes, of course,” she says. “Wow, look at you two. It’s like you’re just a couple of kids again, huh?”
“Mom,” Ryan says pointedly.
“Sorry, yes, I’m going. I’m going.” She heads down the hallway but calls back, “Elle, don’t you leave now until I pack you some food to go, okay? Your dad’s doing good?”
“I won’t and he’s great.” I smile.
When his mom is out of view, Ryan turns to me, grabbing my hands. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, I swear I just… I needed to talk to you. Is that okay?”
Ryan grabs his coat hanging by the door and shoves his feet into a pair of boots. “Here, let’s step outside.”
We settle on the porch, and there’s a warm glow cast around Ryan from the Christmas lights.
“I don’t want to move to the city,” I say, and Ryan’s brows rise.
“I know it sounds silly, but…” I continue, voice now shaky.
“But I’ve never opened up to anyone the way I do with you…
and I haven’t kissed anyone the way I kiss you.
” I stop and take a breath. “I know what happened between us, Ryan, and it was me. I missed you so much, and with me losing my relationship with my dad it was too hard knowing you were here. That all the things I cared about were somewhere I wasn’t.
So I stopped responding. I stopped updating you, and I’m sorry.
It’s my fault. But I always hoped that maybe one day we would reunite…
and I’d have the courage to tell you how I really feel. ”
The muscle in Ryan’s jaw leaps. “How do you feel?”
“I feel like I’ve always loved you,” I say, hearing how crazy it sounds. “And I know it’s not possible… or maybe it is. Is it crazy to love someone your whole life?”
“Elle,” Ryan interrupts me before I can continue a tangent that most certainly won’t make sense. “I think I’ve always loved you too.”
An incredulous laugh escapes me. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Ryan looks up. “It’s like no matter how many years go by, I think about you. I care about you. I miss you. And I don’t know, I thought it was a memory I was holding on to, but being with you today, kissing you… it’s real.”
“I thought coming back here would feel scary, like I didn’t belong anymore,” I admit. “But it felt like coming home.”
Ryan’s expression flickers as he takes a staggered breath in. His eyes are searching mine for an answer, but I don’t know what his question is.
“It’s funny you say that,” he says softly. “Because this place never felt like home after you left.”
A warm tear escapes the corner of my eye and falls down the side of my cheek.
“Ryan,” I say. “I don’t want to leave you again.”
He takes a step forward, placing both of his hands on my arms. The contact makes me shiver, and he starts to gently rub, warming me up.
“Are you sure? Because I can’t say goodbye one more time, Elle.”
I think of my dad, Aunt Cami, my grandma Traci, this beautiful town sitting on the edge of the Hudson River… Ryan. Why would I ever want to leave something so special?
“I can’t either,” I say, and then Ryan’s lips crash into mine.
It’s a tender yet hungry kiss. I almost fall apart right here, right now, knowing that I’m finally where I belong.
There is nobody else for me other than Ryan.
He showed me what it means to care for someone, to protect someone, to be protected by someone.
He imprinted on my heart long before I knew what to do with it.
He was always with me, and after today, always will be.
“So, what now?” I say as he pulls me in for a hug.
“Well,” he says, “I think my mom is definitely watching us through the window.”
I let out a laugh and press my forehead against his chest. “Of course.”
“Do you want to come inside? Have some food?” he asks.
“I’d love that,” I answer. “And then do you want to possibly come over and hang out with my dad?”
Ryan zips my jacket up a little higher. “I would want nothing more.”
I can’t help but beam. Maybe this is all happening too fast, and perhaps it’s crazy to jump into something with someone I haven’t seen since I was a teenager…
but it doesn’t feel like that at all. If anything, it feels like I’m with the only person who really knows me, in the only place I ever felt like myself.
“Oh.” Ryan stops before turning the doorknob. “In case I didn’t say it yet, Merry Christmas, Elle.”
I pull him in for another kiss, something I will be doing at every chance I get. “Merry Christmas, Ryan.”