Chapter Twenty-Six Leaving
With only two leather holdalls, Luis had packed enough clothes for ten days.
Danny hoped this meant he was coming back soon but Luis couldn’t say for sure.
Standing in the hall Luis was ready to leave, except wasn’t marriage supposed to be their next adventure or had separation been their destination all along?
For the past week they had spoken frankly but never with the same friction.
For Danny, the marriage fever had broken, while Luis seemed lighter, finally able to express himself freely.
Well-versed in the rhythms of a closeted life, for Luis their engagement had followed a similar pattern, pretending everything was fine while feeling removed, as if watching the process from behind a pane of glass.
Close but never connected. Talking late into the night, Danny accepted that he still clung on to a sense of worthlessness, that it was possible he found self-loathing comforting, he was so accustomed to it, and that deep down he was still a young unloved man sleeping rough on a park bench.
No matter the course of their conversations Luis always returned to the idea of going home.
Ironically, Spain was Danny’s suggestion – the trigger for the confrontation.
Luis accepted there were matters from his past that he had never addressed.
Marriage was the moment to face up to the trauma he had migrated from.
Danny had been brave. It was Luis’s turn.
At random moments during trivial tasks Luis seemed close to tears, remarkable for a man who rarely cried.
Danny had always sensed the outlines of pain sheltering inside Luis.
He remembered him crying at a French movie when, on screen, a kid was given a blue bicycle.
Luis couldn’t explain why and afterwards they had laughed about it.
Who was this semblance of a successful man broken down and who would he be put back together?
From the outset Danny hoped to sail their relationship to an undiscovered country but now that they were at sea, he longed for the familiar shoreline they had left behind.
He had been reckless to upend such a good thing, unappreciative of his good fortune in finding any kind of love, gambling it all for what, exactly?
Before leaving for Spain Luis arranged to stay with Emma and John in their Cotswolds cottage for the weekend.
Luis wanted to spend some time with John talking honestly about whether coming out placed a ceiling on his career.
He had been working obsessively, giving up weekends and evenings, holidaying only once a year, as if trying to compensate for that admission so early in his career.
He could have easily brought a woman to their wedding.
Would he now be partner if he had? In his weaker moments, Danny couldn’t help but interpret Emma and John’s generosity as a conspiracy to separate them because they never truly believed that he was good enough for Luis.
In his darker hours he imagined them whispering critiques of his character and short-listing eligible men.
But Danny accepted that these were predictable insecurities – the very anxieties that had driven him to plan a splashy wedding.
At the front door Danny panicked that Luis was about to hand over his keys or take off his engagement ring. When he did neither Danny declared, ‘I proposed at the point most couples file for divorce.’
Luis shook his head.
‘This isn’t a divorce.’
Danny agreed.
‘You have to be married before you can be divorced.’
Luis asked if Danny would be okay.
‘I’ll be okay,’ he said, sounding brave. When Danny asked him the same, Luis bit his lip.
‘I don’t know.’
Luis always seemed to have an answer and strangely it was soothing when he admitted to having none.
Danny offered Luis space and time – he wouldn’t chase him for updates or ask how he was doing.
He wouldn’t message multiple times a day.
Luis could call home at any time. He could come home at any time, but he would not be interrupted with questions or queries.
Danny compared their process to a patient going under general anaesthetic, placing the relationship in a sedated sleep and when the remedial work was complete the relationship would awake, and their life together would continue – stronger.
Fixed. Except there was a chance these two broken men were together precisely because they were broken.
Standing at the door, Luis and Danny were unsure how to leave each other.
Since moving in together they had never been apart longer than a few days.
Breaking the impasse Danny hugged Luis goodbye, trying to keep his grip loose so that it didn’t seem like clinging.
With his voice muffled by the fabric of Luis’s coarse coat, he said, ‘Promise me that when you’re ready you’ll come back. Whatever you decide.’
Luis nodded.
‘I promise.’
But Danny wasn’t so sure. He remembered swimming in Bude and the irrational impulse to continue out to sea. Luis picked up his bags and walked out of the door, descending the stairs without a glance or a wave. It wasn’t that kind of goodbye.