Chapter Twenty-Eight Doubts
Two weeks after Luis left, Danny calculated that he must have run out of clean clothes and was either washing them or buying new ones.
Either way, he hadn’t come home, and Danny’s imaginary schedule was wrong.
That night he couldn’t sleep. At several points he was on the brink of calling Luis.
Such a call would have broken their agreement and implied dependency.
He had promised to give Luis as much time as he needed and not to demand a running commentary.
Returning to Spain was more complicated than Danny’s weekend visit to Bude.
Luis had been estranged from his family, his homeland and even his language.
Two weeks was not enough time. Danny doubled his estimate to a month.
What was a month apart in the context of twenty years together?
He passed the night by playing solitaire at the kitchen table until he eventually fell asleep on the cards, waking with the eight of clubs stuck to his forehead.
Peeling it off, he wondered what it foretold.
At a reasonable hour Danny phoned Jasper, a substitute for calling Luis.
Up until this point he had confided in no one, keeping the separation a secret, holding out the hope that Luis would return before Christmas and no one need know about their break.
He worried that even the most kind-hearted friends would whisper to each other that the relationship was evidently flawed.
They might conclude the marriage was a last-ditch attempt to hold together a fraying bond, a ribbon tied around a fractured bone.
Jasper existed in a different category from his friends and family.
He was a wedding professional and a witness to every type of trial and tribulation before the big day.
Early on a Saturday morning with a heavy mist over the Thames they met by Lambeth Bridge on the south side of the river at a small coffee kiosk perched on a wooden pontoon.
They bought takeaway coffees and strolled down the pedestrian walkway towards the South Bank.
Jasper was wearing cinnamon-coloured cords, a black wool jumper and an alpaca scarf.
Positively funereal. Trying to put an optimistic gloss on the predicament Danny presented the separation as a natural part of their unique wedding journey.
Yet Jasper was confused by the mixed messages, a plea for help muddled with assurances that everything was okay.
He asked whether Danny wanted assistance with the practicalities, such as delaying preparations.
Danny shook his head. He wanted to know what Jasper made of the situation.
Jasper remained cautious, pointing out that he never commented on the relationships he was professionally involved with and anyway, that it was impossible to truly understand another couple’s love.
Desperate for someone to talk to, Danny persisted.
‘I don’t want to put you in an awkward position. But I haven’t told anyone else. I don’t know who else to talk to.’
Hearing this, Jasper relented.
‘What are you reconsidering?’
Danny walked on, kicking at the cracks in the paving stones.
‘I made the decision to get engaged on my own. The next decision needs to be made together.’
Troubled, Jasper binned his coffee cup, placing a gentle hand on Danny’s back as they walked.
‘I owe you an apology. I wanted so much for your wedding to be perfect, for personal and professional reasons, that I created the impression that there are perfect weddings for perfect relationships. From where I’m standing, it’s obvious that you’re both in love.
I don’t know who you’re comparing yourselves with but there isn’t some higher level to achieve. ’
After a time, Danny said, ‘What if there is? A higher level of love?’
Jasper added, ‘Can I share something? My business is struggling. The recession hit the wedding industry hard. Many marriages were delayed, scaled back, budgets were halved. My role was the first to be cut. Everything in my office appears immaculate but it’s an illusion because no one hires a wedding planner struggling to make ends meet. ’
Remembering the ageing white hydrangea, Danny cut in, ‘Jasper, we will pay you in full, regardless of whether our wedding goes ahead.’
Jasper looked embarrassed.
‘I appreciate that. And honestly, I need the money to survive. But the recession isn’t the only reason my company is in a bad way.
Lots of people don’t want to hire me. When people hear about a “gay male wedding planner” often they imagine a comic figure, fluttering around the margins of a ceremony he can organize but never be part of.
When prospective clients see that I take my work seriously, they go to the wedding planners in Mayfair.
If they want serious – they hire straight. ’
Danny stopped walking, leaning against the embankment wall and taking out his vape. Jasper joined Danny, watching as the mist slowly broke apart, revealing glimpses of the Houses of Parliament and the slate-like surface of the Thames.
‘Danny, I’ve been trying too hard with your wedding because if I could create the perfect wedding for another gay couple maybe that would make me feel better that I’ve never created one for myself.
I worry you and Luis are imagining that what you have isn’t enough.
Because we have always been told what we have isn’t enough.
But you’ve loved someone for twenty years.
Some marriages fall apart after two. Look at me.
I’ve never dated anyone longer than six months.
And that guy was doing magic shows on a cruise ship for most of that time. ’
Danny smiled for the first time in weeks.
‘Jasper, whatever happens with this wedding, I’m happy to have you in my life.’
Jasper joked, ‘How about this – if Luis doesn’t marry you, I will.’
Danny replied, ‘You’d only be marrying me for the wedding.’
Jasper pointed out, ‘No, I’d marry you in an instant if it wasn’t for one problem. You’re head over heels in love with Luis.’
Danny nodded.
‘And he’s about to break my heart.’
Saying the words aloud, Danny realized that he had never been through heartbreak, never suffered a serious break-up. Never moved his things out of a home. Never said goodbye to a man that he still loved. He was forty-five years old and, in matters of the heart, still inexperienced.