24. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
Jackson
D anforth and I shake on it. “I’ll start having my team work on all the backend stuff,” Danforth says.
“And I’ll start brainstorming,” I say. My ideas are sloshing around in my head on a sea of all the wine I drank. No brainstorming tonight. I’m not sure I’d be able to make heads or tails of my thoughts.
“Don’t work too hard, alright?” he says, then wraps his arm around Carina’s waist. “You can still join us at The Confluence.”
The Confluence is the late-night bar. See? Another name that doesn’t really tell you anything about the place.
I glance over at Lily. She’s been quiet for most of dinner. “I think we’ll call it a night. But maybe tomorrow.”
“Good man,” Danforth says. “Well, shall we, my love?”
“We shall. Goodnight you two,” Carina says and, as they stride past, she touches Lily’s arm softly.
Lily smiles in return and wishes them goodnight.
I take her hand and tuck it up against my chest. “Ready, my love ?”
She snickers. It’s been a long while since she’s laughed. “Don’t start.”
I keep her close as we head toward the bank of elevators. “How are people going to know I love you if I’m not calling you ‘my love’ all the time?”
Lily shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
I press the button for the elevators, then place my hands around Lily’s waist and pull her close to me. “What do you think? Could you call this place home?”
“Banff?” she asks.
“The hotel. Banff. All of it,” I say, rocking our hips side to side.
An elevator door pings open. Lily unwinds herself from my embrace. “I don’t know.”
I follow her into the elevator. “What do you mean?”
“I mean . . . ” She leans up against the back wall of the elevator and crosses her arms over her chest. “You didn’t even ask me what I wanted.”
I lean against the wall and try to figure out what to say. The doors slide shut, and the elevator starts to move upward. “You’re right, I didn’t. I got a little overly excited.”
“You sure did,” she says, her eyes coldly focused ahead of her.
“What’s going on with you?” I ask.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ll admit I got ahead of myself, and that was a bit of a mistake, but you’ve been—“
Lily glares at me, her curls bouncing to emphasize her anger. “A bit?! You got a bit excited?! No, Jackson, you decided to uproot my life without even telling me.”
I swallow. “You don’t have to live in Banff. I can, and we can switch off taking trips and—“
The doors swish open behind me.
Lily storms out. “Un-fucking-believable.”
I am frozen in place for a moment, willing the warm drunkenness away. I need to have my wits about me. I must have lost myself somewhere in the excitement of tonight, and I . . . I did something bad. Did I do something that bad?
The doors start to shut. I lunge out of the elevator before I’m trapped inside and follow Lily down the hall to our suite. God, she’s already booking it. “Lily, don’t walk away.”
She ignores me and continues walking.
I break out into a run, slip past her, and cut her off before she can move forward. “Lily, talk to me.”
“Jackson—” She steps to the side.
I cut her off.
“ Jackson! ” She steps to the other side.
I cut her off again.
Lily throws her hands down in frustration and growls. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“I left you alone all day! You’ve been acting weird all day, and you won’t talk to me, and I’m done with it, okay? I’m done.”
“Lower your voice,” she hisses.
I seal my lips together and glance at the nearby doors. Was I really talking that loud?
Lily’s face is bent with fury. “What about the shop?”
“Your shop?” I ask.
She nods. “Yes. What about the shop that’s supposed to open in six months? You want me to give that up and follow you to Banff?”
“No, I . . . I don’t want you to give it up. I just thought—” I take a step toward her, and she backs away. Fuck. Fuck . “Being with you is my priority, and I thought it was yours too.”
“If it was your priority, you wouldn’t be making deals that are going to uproot me. You’d know better than that.”
“Lil, come on, that’s not fair.”
Her eyes widen, beautiful hazel that now threatens to swallow me whole. “How is that not fair? You sat there and spoke for me like we’d discussed any of this, and we’ve never—you never—” Lily works to catch her breath. “You don’t need more money. You don’t have to work another day in your life. Why do you—”
“The idea excited me; I got excited. Maybe too excited. I’ll admit that,” I say softly. “But all day, you’ve been off, Lily. You’ve been—”
“So, you were retaliating?” she asks. “You didn’t like how I treated you, so you thought you could just fuck up all our plans for your own benefit?”
“That’s not . . . exactly how I thought of it. Fuck, Lil, I don’t know. Can we get to the suite and talk about this? I don’t want anyone—”
“I didn’t know what I wanted was so expendable to you,” Lily says.
Anger tightens in my chest. “Hey. It’s not. Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“Then don’t tell me I’m fucking moving to Banff without asking me if I want to move to Banff,” she spits.
“I’m sorry , okay? You can’t keep relitigating—”
“I knew we were too different.”
The words hang in the air, causing a confusing pile-up of feelings. Anger, fear, sadness. And the amount of alcohol doesn’t help. “We aren’t,” I say.
“We are. Because I haven’t proven myself. And you have. So why bet on me and what I want when the proof is right there that you and Danforth can make fuck tons of money from—”
“You don’t understand how all this works,” I say and immediately know it’s the wrong thing to say. “That didn’t come out right, what I mean is—”
Lily laughs bitterly. “It’s okay. You meant it. At least a little bit.”
I’m talking to a brick wall. She isn’t hearing me. Doesn’t want to. We’re stuck in this loop where whatever I say is the wrong thing. But if neither of us says anything, we’re going to be stuck in this hotel hallway in a gridlock forever. “What do you want, Lily? Hm? What will make you happy?”
“Nothing,” she says. “Because if I ask you not to take the deal, then I’ll always feel guilty, and if I just try and move on, I’ll resent you.”
I can’t lose Lily. Not after how long it took to get her. For us to only have three months together . . . no. It’s not nearly enough. Anything less than a lifetime would be hell. “Those are the only two options?”
Lily blinks and tears spill down her cheeks. I didn’t realize how close to crying she was. She wipes her tears away. “What if I was—what if we were—” She exhales harshly. “What if I was pregnant? What would you do?”
Did I hear her correctly? If she was pregnant? That’s not even something we’ve discussed in the short term. My expression sours. “Lily, that’s such an extreme hypothetical it’s not even worth entertaining.”
“It’s not hypothetical, Jackson!” she says, more tears in her eyes.
It’s simple to understand. If something is not hypothetical, it’s real. Except my mind currently can’t grasp the subject. I blink at her.
“I’m pregnant,” she says. “Does that change anything?”
I crane my neck forward and harden my gaze on her. “You’re pregnant?”
“That’s why I’ve been dizzy. I . . . ”
“When did you find out?”
Her eyes widen slightly. “This afternoon.”
The flame of anger returns. “And you’re just now telling me?”
“When was I supposed to tell you? You were with Danforth and I—“
“Did you know when I came to check on you?”
Lily bites down on her lower lip. “Not technically. I was waiting for the test to finish.”
I run my hands through my hair and grip handfuls of it in frustration. I knew something was off. I was so close . “Fuck, Lil.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” she presses.
“I’ve got to process the news before I can answer the question.” I know I’m being short with her. But it’s out of my control. My emotions. The situation. My God.
Pregnant. A baby, that’s . . . I’d lie if I said I’d never imagined it. A toddler running around with curls like Lily’s and eyes like mine. I’ve pictured the same hypothetical baby on Lily’s lap, an image that fills me with an inexplicable warmth every time it crosses my mind.
All those images will be realities. And I want that reality.
But this moment. The reality of it is not the one I pictured. I thought it’d be years down the line. After the tattoo parlor was open and we’d traveled the world and done all the things we could have been doing the past decade and a half we weren’t together. I thought we’d be married and trying and when the moment came, I’d be a mess of tears, engulfing her in my love and adoration, the mother of my child.
I can’t shake the disappointment that it isn’t how I pictured it. And the shame of not falling to my knees over the news.
“It shouldn’t be this hard to understand how it makes you feel,” Lily says.
My frustration goes off again like a bomb. “I’m surprised, Lily. I’m in shock, can’t you see that?” Why can’t I control this?
Lily covers her face in her hands and sobs. “I want to go home.”
I grip my fists in front of me and take a breath. Get it together . I step closer to her. “Come on, let’s go back to the room and talk about—”
When my hand lands on her shoulder, she jumps away from her like I’ve electrocuted her. “I want to go home , Jackson. Now .”
I don’t know what to say.
She lifts her head in resolve. “I’m . . . I’m going home.”
“Lily, listen to me—”
“No.” She backs away further. “I don’t want to listen. And I don’t want you to come after me. I’m . . . I’m done.”
The word “done” echoes in my mind like a death knell. Done?
By the time the world comes back into focus, Lily is gone, and I’m alone.
The universe has quite a sense of humor. Because once she’s gone, the joy finally hits, a high I was waiting for. Too late. Far too late.
I need to hold her. I need to tell her we’ll be okay. Us three.
In the time I try to decide if I follow my gut or her instruction, she’s long gone.