Chapter 17
Nora
I wake up later than usual, my head and mouth feeling like they’ve been stuffed with cotton.
For a moment, I struggle to remember what happened—did I somehow have too much to drink?
—but then memories of last night seep into my mind, twisting my stomach into knots and flooding me with confused despair.
Julian made love to me last night. He made love to me after violating me—after drugging me and forcing the trackers on me against my will—and I let him.
No, I didn’t just let him; I reveled in his touch, allowing the blazing heat of his caresses to burn away the frozen hurt inside me, to make me forget, if only for a moment, about the ragged wound he inflicted on my heart.
I don’t know why this, out of all the horrible things Julian has done, affects me so strongly.
In the grand scheme of things, putting the trackers under my skin—allegedly to keep me safe—is nothing compared to kidnapping me, beating up Jake, or blackmailing me into marriage.
These trackers are not even necessarily forever.
Theoretically, if I ever make it off the estate, I can go to a doctor and have the implants removed, so I may not even be stuck with them for the rest of my life.
My fear yesterday definitely had an irrational component to it; I was reacting on instinct and not thinking things through.
Nonetheless, it felt like a part of me died last evening—like the prick of that syringe killed something inside me.
Maybe it’s because I had begun to feel that Julian and I were growing closer, that we were becoming more like a regular couple.
Or maybe because my Stockholm Syndrome—or whatever psychological issue I have—made me imagine rainbows and unicorns where there were none.
Whatever the reason, Julian’s actions felt like the most agonizing betrayal.
When I regained consciousness last night, I felt so devastated that I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.
But Julian didn’t let me. He made love to me.
He made love to me when I thought he would whip me—when I expected him to punish me for not being his compliant little pet.
He gave me tenderness when I expected cruelty; instead of taking me apart, he made me feel whole again, even if it was only for a few hours.
And now… now I miss him. Without him by my side, the coldness within me is beginning to creep back, the pain slowly returning to choke me from the inside.
The fact that Julian did this to me against my objections—that he did this even though I begged him not to—is almost more than I can handle.
It tells me that he doesn’t love me—that he may never love me.
It tells me that the man I’m married to may never be anything more than my captor.
At breakfast Julian is not there, a fact that contributes to my growing depression. I’ve gotten so used to having most of my meals with him that his absence feels like a rejection—though how I can still crave his company after everything is beyond my comprehension.
“Senor Esguerra grabbed a quick snack earlier,” Ana explains, serving me eggs mixed with refried beans and avocado.
“He received some news that he had to deal with right away, so he’s not able to join you this morning.
He apologized for that and told me that you can come to the office whenever you’re ready.
” Her voice is unusually warm and kind, and there is sympathy on her face as she looks at me.
I don’t know if she knows all the details about what happened last night, but I have a feeling she overheard the gist of it.
Embarrassed, I lower my gaze to my plate.
“Okay, thank you, Ana,” I murmur, staring at the food.
It looks as delicious as usual, but I have no appetite this morning.
I know I’m not sick, but I feel that way, with my stomach churning and my chest aching.
The fresh implants in my thigh, hip, and upper arm throb with a nagging pain.
All I want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep the day away, but unfortunately, that’s not an option.
I have a paper to do for my English Literature class, and I’m two lectures behind for my Calculus class.
I did cancel my morning walk with Rosa, though; I have no desire to see my friend while I’m feeling this way.
“Would you like some hot chocolate or anything? Maybe coffee or tea?” Ana asks, still hovering by the table. Normally, when Julian and I are eating together, she makes herself scarce, but for some reason, she seems reluctant to leave me alone this morning.
I look up from my plate and force myself to give her a smile. “No, I’m okay, Ana, thanks.” Picking up my fork, I spear some eggs and bring them to my mouth, determined to eat something to alleviate the concern I see on the housekeeper’s softly rounded face.
As I chew, I see Ana hesitating for a moment, as though she wants to say something else, but then she disappears into the kitchen, leaving me to my breakfast. For the next few minutes, I make a serious attempt to eat, but everything tastes like sand and I finally give up.
Getting up, I head to the porch, wanting to feel the sun on my skin. The coldness inside me seems to be spreading with each moment, my depression deepening as the morning wears on.
Stepping out the front door, I walk over to the edge of the porch and lean on the railing, breathing in the hot, humid air. As I gaze out onto the wide green lawn and the guards in the distance, I feel my vision blurring, hot tears welling up and beginning to slide down my cheeks.
I don’t know why I’m crying. Nobody died; nothing truly terrible has happened. I’ve been through so much worse in the past two years, and I’ve coped with it—I’ve adjusted and survived. This relatively minor thing shouldn’t make me feel like my heart has been ripped out.
My growing conviction that Julian is not capable of love shouldn’t destroy me like this.
A hand gently touches my shoulder, startling me out of my misery. Swiftly wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand, I turn around and am surprised to see Ana standing there, an uncertain expression on her face.
“Senora Esguerra… I mean, Nora…” She stumbles over my name, her accent thicker than usual. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if you had a minute to talk?”
Taken aback by the unusual request, I nod.
“Of course, what is it?” Ana and I are not particularly close; she’s always been somewhat reserved around me, polite but not overly friendly.
Rosa told me that Ana is like that because that’s what Julian’s father demanded of his staff, and the habit is difficult for her to break.
Looking relieved by my response, Ana smiles and walks up to join me at the railing, placing her forearms on the painted white wood.
I give her a questioning look, wondering what she wants to discuss, but she seems content to just stand there for a moment, her gaze trained on the jungle in the distance.
When she finally turns her head to look at me and speaks, her words catch me off-guard.
“I don’t know if you know this, Nora, but your husband lost everybody he’s ever cared about,” she says softly, no trace of her customary reserve in sight.
“Maria, his parents… Not to mention many others he knew both here on the estate and out in the cities.”
“Yes, he told me,” I say slowly, eyeing her with some caution. I don’t know why she’s suddenly decided to talk to me about Julian, but I’m more than happy to listen. Maybe if I understand my husband better, it will be easier for me to maintain my emotional distance from him.
Maybe if he’s not such a puzzle, I won’t be drawn to him as strongly.
“Good,” Ana says quietly. “Then I hope you understand that Julian didn’t mean to hurt you last night… that whatever he did was because he cares for you.”
“Cares for me?” The laugh that escapes my throat is sharp and bitter. I don’t know why I’m talking about this with Ana, but now that the floodgates have been opened, I can’t seem to close them again. “Julian doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “You’re wrong, Nora. He does. He cares about you very much. I can see it. He’s different with you than with others. Very different.”
I stare at her. “What do you mean?”
She sighs, then turns to face me fully. “Your husband was always a dark child,” she says, and I see a deep sadness in her gaze.
“A beautiful boy, with his mother’s eyes and her features, but so hard inside…
It was his father’s fault, I think. The older Senor never treated him like a child.
From the time Julian was old enough to walk, his father would push him, make him do things that no child should do… ”
I listen raptly, hardly daring to breathe as she continues.
“When Julian was little, he was afraid of spiders. We have big ones here, very scary ones. Some poisonous ones. When Juan Esguerra found out, he led his five-year-old son into the forest and made him catch a dozen large spiders with his bare hands. Then he made the boy kill them slowly with his fingers, so Julian would see what it’s like to conquer his fears and make his enemies suffer.
” She pauses, her mouth tight-lipped with anger.
“Julian didn’t sleep for two nights after that.
When his mother found out, she cried, but there was nothing she could do.
Senor’s word here was law, and everyone had to obey. ”
I swallow the bile rising in my throat and look away.
What I just learned only adds to my despair.
How can I expect Julian to love someone after being raised that way?
The fact that my husband is a stone-cold killer with sadistic tendencies is not surprising; the only wonder is that he’s not even worse.
It’s hopeless. Utterly hopeless.
Sensing my distress, Ana lays her hand on my arm, her touch warm and comforting, like that of my mom.