TWENTY-TWO
Twenty-two
‘Bel, darling, how lovely to finally see you,’ Aunt Lois crooned as Bel stepped up to kiss the cheek of her impeccably made-up face. Her aunt’s tone, as usual, felt like a reprimand. How she was at fault for not catching up sooner when they hadn’t even been in town, she wasn’t sure.
‘It’s been a while,’ Bel agreed, holding her smile in place. ‘How was your trip overseas?’ Where you’ve just spent the last three months.
‘Absolutely divine. Europe is to die for. I didn’t want to come back to all this dust and heat.’
And the rather sumptuous mansion you live in . Despite the fact she found the place to be more like a museum, she would never understand why her aunt always seemed to consider it less than impressive simply because of where it was located.
‘Bel!’
Bel’s gaze shot to the top of the staircase to discover her cousin gracefully gliding down towards her.
‘Larkin? I didn’t know you were home.’
‘Just got here this afternoon. I heard you were coming for dinner.’
Bel eyed her cousin cautiously, searching for any lingering animosity, but was greeted with a smile. At least dinner wouldn’t be the awkward experience she’d been dreading, trying to make uncomfortable small talk with her uncle and aunt.
They moved into the living room, and Bel felt a flash of old memories briefly return as she thought back to the last time she’d been here, with Tate during the wedding. She could see him standing at the back of the room, drink in hand as he laughed with the other groomsmen on that first night he’d noticed her. She was relieved she no longer felt any sort of yearning, the way she had back then.
She found her uncle and Tristan sitting on the lounge, talking golf techniques. Both men stood, and Bel was quickly handed a tall glass of champagne.
Larkin slid her hand around her husband’s waist and grinned up at him. ‘We were going to wait until dinner to make the announcement, but I’m just too excited. We’re expecting!’
A loud and somewhat undignified squeal erupted from Aunt Lois as she threw herself at the happy couple, pushing Uncle Stan out of the way in her excitement. ‘I’m going to be a grandmother!’ she said, dabbing at her eyes with a lace-edged handkerchief.
Bel watched on with a touch of bemusement. Larkin was going to be a mother.
Then, a sudden rush of unexpected emotion ran through her. She’d never wanted kids of her own … well, at least she hadn’t before she’d come back and let herself fall into the somewhat faux family she and Dean had created. She felt a trickle of warmth flow through her as glimpses of snuggling up for bedtime stories popped into her head, and of sharing amused glances with Dean at dinner as they listened to the silly jokes Ben and Ivy had taken to entertaining them with lately.
What was she even thinking? She prided herself on being so responsible and grown up. She needed to stop living in a fantasy world. She hadn’t let her mind run away like this since …
Her stomach dropped slightly. Had she been blindly falling into the same trap with Dean that she’d found herself in with Tate? Surely not. She’d vowed she’d never again allow herself to get caught up in an unrealistic romance. Yet here she was. Dean had somehow swept her off her feet.
She felt a little dizzy as something suddenly occurred to her and she sank down onto the lounge. The hot kitchen sex … the constant distraction of his body, his heart-melting acts of kindness. Oh God. She’d gone from a Jax Lexington-style romantic suspense hero to a hot boy-next-door, enemies-to-lovers trope.
‘Bel!’ Larkin said impatiently.
She looked up quickly.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Absolutely.’ She smiled, hoping her face didn’t show her rapidly growing panic. ‘Congratulations,’ she added, and stood up to hug her cousin. She refused to acknowledge the ridiculous chaos unfolding inside her. Dean was not Tate, and she would not have fallen for something fake after everything she’d been through. It wasn’t possible.
And yet …
Later that night, after she’d managed to sit through the endless chatter about baby plans and then her aunt’s relentless Europe stories, Bel found herself returning to her unexpected reaction.
There was no way her relationship with Dean was anything like the one she’d had with Tate. Dean was … perfect. Not in the dreamy, over-the-top way Tate had been. He was perfect in a forever kind of way. A father kind of way. Bel’s mind began to replay all the times Dean had stepped up to distract the kids and made them feel loved during one of the most unsettled and scary periods of their young lives. He was the decent, good man that Emma had been telling her he was. She’d simply never understood it before now.
But did she want that? And if she did, why was the thought so terrifying?
Craig’s progress was frustratingly slow. This was expected from a traumatic brain injury, but that didn’t make it any less discouraging. The endless game of wait-and-see over the next month took its toll on everyone—none more so than Craig and Emma, but it flowed on through to the kids and to Bel as well, with life pretty much on hold for all of them.
As the time dragged on, Bel began to notice a change in the children’s behaviour. Ben was getting into trouble at school—nothing terribly serious, but enough for Emma to be receiving calls from his teachers, which only added to her worries. Lucy had started going backwards with her toilet training, suddenly having accidents when previously she’d had none. Ayla had been having nightmares, and would only settle if she was allowed to climb into bed with Bel. It didn’t take long before the sleepless nights began catching up with Bel. As a result, she found herself becoming tired and irritable throughout the day.
Adding to all of this, Bel’s business had begun to suffer, with the loss of some larger clients who weren’t happy with her reduced hours and availability. She’d expected her income to take a bit of a hit for a while, of course, and she was still making enough to survive. It just went against the grain, and everything she’d been working so hard for, to have to turn away big clients with deep pockets.
She’d just made one such difficult decision, having to refer a client to another service, when Dean called to let her know he wouldn’t be able to pick up the kids from school like they’d arranged earlier, so Bel could have a full day working.
‘Sorry,’ Dean added after he’d explained his predicament.
‘Fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it … as usual,’ she muttered.
‘I didn’t plan on driving into a bloody bore drain, Bel,’ he snapped. ‘I could do without having the stuff-around of walking back to the house to get the tractor and pulling it out.’ Bel instantly felt a ripple of guilt. She knew he’d been putting in long hours at his place on top of helping her out with the kids. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just had a frustrating day.’
‘I hear ya,’ he agreed. ‘Mine’s been pretty shit as well.’
‘I get it,’ she said, trying not to let her irritation show, but fearing she wasn’t succeeding.
‘I’ll try and make it over there after dinner.’
‘No, don’t worry. I think I’ll have an early night. I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.’
‘Righto, if that’s what you want,’ he said somewhat stiffly.
They hung up and Bel pushed herself out from the table and grabbed her purse and the car keys. By the time she had the kids safely home from school, she’d lost her earlier irritability with the world. Who could stay cranky with an adorable three-year-old retelling the misadventure of the daycare turtle that had escaped from its enclosure and subsequently recaptured by Miss Judy, who was now Lucy’s idol?
However, by the time Bel had negotiated a peace treaty between the three older kids, who were fighting over whose turn it was to feed the chooks, confiscated a packet of sugary snacks Lucy had apparently found and decided to eat before dinner, argued about bathtime and then sat through the ordeal of having all four kids decide they didn’t like the sausages and mashed potatoes she’d laboured to cook them, she was at breaking point again.
When she climbed into bed, feeling like it must be at least midnight, only to discover that it was eight-thirty, she was too exhausted to even feel disheartened.
Her phone vibrated to indicate an incoming call. She glanced at the screen and saw that it was Dean. She turned on her side and ignored it. She simply couldn’t adult another moment longer, today.
‘I tried to call last night,’ Dean said. He was waiting for her at Fernvale when she returned from dropping the kids at school the next morning.
‘I told you I was going to bed early.’
‘I wanted to catch you before you went to sleep. I’m sorry I let you down yesterday, but it really was out of my control.’
‘I know,’ she said wearily. ‘It was just a really crappy day.’
‘Is everything okay? Between us, I mean?’
Bel shut the driver-side door and stepped around him, taking the three bags of groceries from the back seat, which he automatically took from her to carry inside. ‘Yeah. I’m just tired.’
‘And you have every right to be. You’ve taken on a huge job stepping in to be here and taking care of four kids. Which is why I felt so bad having to cancel on you. I promised to help out and I know I haven’t been much help lately, being caught up with my place and everything else going wrong.’
‘I know it wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have snapped yesterday. I just …’ She ran a hand through her hair, absently noting she probably needed to go to the hairdresser at some point for a trim, but who the hell had time? ‘I seriously have no idea how Em does this. It’s exhausting . All the arguing, crying and meltdowns—and that’s just me!’ she said with a weary smile. ‘Kids take it out of you, mentally, physically … emotionally.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s more than a full-time job and she just seems to take it all in her stride. Plus do all the charity work and the farm stuff. I feel like I’m winging everything. What if I’m stuffing these kids up while she’s away? What if I’m doing some actual damage to them?’
‘You’re overthinking it. You’re great with the kids. You’re not going to damage them,’ he said gently, putting the jug on as she slumped at the bench, defeated.
‘I feel like a terrible friend for wishing she’d come home and take over.’
‘I bet there’s days when Emma probably wishes someone else would come and take over for her too. I’ve heard her complaining to Craig about her day and the kids, and how the house has been a disaster zone all week. It’s a tough gig and you are doing great, especially since you were pretty much thrown in the deep end. Not many people get lumped with four kids all at once,’ he said, placing a coffee in front of her. ‘Why don’t you take tomorrow off and go and spend it in Toormanlee? Go shopping or take your computer to a cafe and work, away from all this? I’ll stay the night and take the kids to school and pick them up.’
‘You can’t take the day off to do that,’ she said wearily.
‘I’ll make it work.’
She was instantly struck by his gesture. It was almost heroic, something that Jax would do, if he were an everyday, average guy. Bel shook her head quickly. ‘I really appreciate the offer, but I’m okay. I snapped yesterday, but I had a decent sleep last night.’ He was just as tired as her, if not more so, with all the pressure he was under to get his crops harvested and the next lot ready to put in. She felt bad about her little dummy spit. She wasn’t special. Everyone was tired.
‘How was your visit with Larkin? How far along is she now?’ Dean asked.
‘Yeah, good,’ she said, taking a sip of her coffee. ‘She’s four months now.’
‘Do they make designer maternity wear for socialites?’ he asked, taking a seat beside her.
Bel chuckled. ‘I have no idea.’
‘It’s great anyway. I’m happy for them.’
‘Yeah, me too.’
‘Do I detect a “but”?’ he asked, taking her hand in his.
‘Not at all,’ she said, putting her cup back down. ‘I guess … I was surprised when I first found out. That child will be the most fashionable baby on the entire North Shore of Sydney.’ She pulled her hand free to pick up her cup once more, shifting a little uncomfortably in her seat as she did so.
A silence fell between them before Dean spoke. ‘I get the feeling something’s changed. That it’s more than just being tired.’
Bel stood up and carried her cup to the sink. ‘I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do after this. Where I belong.’
‘You … don’t feel like you belong here?’
‘Part of me does.’
‘I heard Tom was planning on moving into Fernvale to take over for Craig,’ Dean commented.
‘Yeah. Emma mentioned it the other day.’ Craig’s younger brother, Tom, and his father, Mick, planned to share the load until Craig regained his mobility and was strong enough to resume work. There was still no certainty that he would make a complete recovery, but his slow and steady progress so far had been impressing his doctors even if Craig and Emma felt frustrated.
‘It’ll be getting a bit crowded here,’ Dean said.
‘I’ll move out once Emma and Craig are back,’ she said. ‘Back to Gran’s.’
‘You could move in with me,’ he suggested lightly, although she detected a slight nervous energy underneath his casual demeanour.
‘At your place?’
‘Why not?’
Bel’s first instinct was to consider the idea, but then she shook her head and gave a weak smile. ‘We’ve barely gotten to know each other. I think it’s a bit soon to be moving in together.’
‘We’ve known each other all our lives,’ he pointed out.
‘Not like … this.’
‘Bel, I know what I want.’
‘What do you want?’
‘I want you,’ he said simply. ‘And I want a family.’
That’s what she’d been afraid he’d say. ‘It’s too soon.’
‘I’m thirty. Most blokes my age already have their kids.’
‘No, I mean it’s too soon to know if I’m the right one for you to have a family with.’
‘I’ve always known you were the right one.’
‘How could you always have known that?’
He shrugged. ‘I told you I had a crush on you back in primary school, and that it was still there when I came back to town. All I know is we’re great together and I want it to be permanent.’
‘We’ve only been together a couple of months,’ she said, shaking her head at his adamant tone.
‘Sometimes, you just know.’
That’s what Tate said. The thought set off an unpleasant reaction inside her.
Unaware of her inner turmoil, he continued, taking her hand back in his. ‘Move in and let me prove it.’
‘I’ve got Gran’s place sitting there,’ Bel managed, still reeling from his unexpected offer.
‘What’s really stopping you?’ he asked quietly.
‘God, Dean, so many things,’ she said, putting a hand to her forehead and briefly closing her eyes as she tried to make sense of the storm inside her. ‘I don’t want to make another mistake.’
‘The mistake being us, I take it?’ he asked in a quiet, clipped tone.
‘I jumped into a relationship with Tate, thinking I knew exactly what I was doing, and it turned out I had no idea. I’m afraid of jumping into something else too fast. I didn’t come back here to find a relationship.’
‘Sometimes we find what we want when we least expect it,’ Dean said matter-of-factly.
She opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by her phone on the bench, ringing. ‘It’s Em,’ she said, picking it up. ‘Hey—’ she started before being cut off quickly.
‘We’re coming home!’
For a while, she’d been able to delay deciding on her plans, with no firm end date on when she’d be able to leave Fernvale. Now, suddenly, the sand of the hourglass was beginning to run, counting down. And she still didn’t know where she went from here.