Chapter 4
Throughout the day, I dozed off and on. The nurse, Anna, and a doctor that I didn’t catch the name of, came in a number of times. They would bring me more pudding and crackers, and some other easy on the stomach type of foods. Nothing had made another reappearance, so that was the only good thing.
The pain meds were lessened, also. Little did they know, I didn’t need them. I had survived this long without the assistance of meds.
The people so far have been nice enough. They were careful to warn me if they were planning to touch me. I hated to admit it, it did help my anxiety to not overtake me, thankfully.
Sarah had come by, bringing me a couple sets of clothes, shoes and some paper to write on. It wasn’t much, but it was more than I ever remembered having before. Last time, she said she was still working on finding me a place to stay.
It’d still be so easy to walk out the door and not look back. All I’d have to do was put one foot in front of the other and no one would look twice at me on the way.
I wasn’t sure what was stopping me from doing just that. Other than Sarah asking me to stay. Maybe it was the knowledge that she was most likely right. I’d end up back in the hands of the monsters that had held me for so long already. I knew I’d end up there again, though.
That was my life.
To be used and demanded on.
A yawn tore through my body, forcing me to fight back tears as my jaw popped. I wasn’t sure how I could still be so freaking tired. Three days of just doing nothing.
A knock on the door was the only warning before it was pushed open. I looked that way, waiting.
I did a lot of that the past few days. Waiting for death. Waiting for hope to crash into me. Just…waiting.
“Good morning, Koda.” Sarah greeted, coming into the room with a bag clutched in her hand. “Brought you some breakfast.”
I don’t know what she saw on my face, since I was trying to find a neutral expression to keep in place at all times. It was a lot harder to do than I expected. But whatever she saw, her smile faltered for a second.
“Your doctor okayed it for you to have a donut. Simple sugar one.”
My mouth watered at the thought of such a thing. It had been so long since I had any sugar.
“I had a feeling that’d cheer you up.” Sarah walked closer, setting the bag near my lap where I had my legs crossed. “How are you feeling?”
Ignoring her question, I opened the bag and found the sugar covered goodness. Tearing it in half, I pulled out part of it and slowly munched on it. The flavor exploded in my mouth, and I almost wanted to shove it all in one bite.
But to answer her question in my head, I was still here. Alive when I didn’t want to be. My pain was there, like it always was. But other than the IV being taken out just this morning, there hadn’t been any pain forced upon my already bruised and broken body.
“I may have found a relative.” That got my attention, if at least briefly. “She’s a few towns over, but there’s an Aunt Dawn who was happy to hear that you are alive.”
Another long pause.
“She’s going to come visit tomorrow. A social worker will also be by later, since you are a minor and all that.”
Yeah, the doctor had said that too. I felt unsettled at the thought. My past run-ins with a social worker led to more pain in some form. A knot of fear started to brew in my chest, but I was trying to ignore it.
I eyed the bag once more, wondering if I’d end up paying the price if I ate both parts of the donut. After a second of thinking, I knew I would, so I moved it to sit on the rolling table before fiddling with a loose string on the blanket.
“Your aunt seems very nice over the phone. I’ll be here when she comes by. Just to make sure it all goes well.”
That helped soothe any rising panic, so I nodded, hoping that was enough to let Sarah know I was okay with that plan at least.
“Is there anything you need from me right now?”
I shook my head. I highly doubted me asking a police officer to kill me would go over well.
Being stuck in a room wasn’t anything new to me, but the unknown was. I’d rather know when the hits and demands were going to come rather than just sitting here, waiting.
I didn’t trust a single person and that wasn’t going to change any time soon.
A small sigh passed through my lips as I remembered one boy at the big house. He had been sad, but didn’t cry like I did. He was ten times braver than I’d ever be able to dream of being. And gosh, he was so torn up inside and out.
I didn’t know what happened to him that night, other than the fact that he pretty much slept for like three days straight. I feared he was going to die there, and no one would ever care about that.
The only thing anyone cared about there was who was going to be the favorite, and I certainly wasn’t going to achieve that title. Nor did I want it. Not if it came with such consequences as being used by so many different men and being marked in ways no human ever should be.
“Will you tell me why you’re crying?”
I halfheartedly wiped away the tears, and looked anywhere but at Sarah. She saw too much, and wanted answers I’d never be able to give.
“You could write it down.”
Yeah, not gonna happen. Whatever I said, or wrote, would be used against me. That’d happened before. It was easier to keep every thought, every reason or explanation to myself. Then, no one could be upset at me for my way of thinking.
Heck, I didn’t even know when the last time I had spoken. Maybe it had been to the boy I had laid curled up next to while he fought to stay alive, but even then it would have been when it was just the two of us alone in the room full of bunk beds.
“You have a number of people who would love to help you, Koda,” Sara went on after a few moments when I didn’t move to reach for the notebook and pen that had been left at the end of my bed.
No one could help me. I was a lost cause. It was better to just let me be. Let me suffer alone.
“So,” Sarah stood from the chair in the corner. “Your aunt will be later, so will a social worker. And of course, the doctor. You have a team of people who will be working on your behalf to choose the best options, the best next steps, for your healing.”
I glanced at her briefly, doubting that anyone wanted me to heal. Physically, sure I guess. That was what all doctors wanted. But mentally? That was a lost hope.
My brain was broken. My freaking soul was broken. Therefore, I was un-healable.
What was a person without a soul? Whatever that was, was what I am.
I turned my gaze away from her, preferring to stare out the window. The blinds were opened, and all I saw was a glare of the sun and brick. Nothing exciting, just like my life.
“It’ll be important to know what you’d like to do, after all the options are laid out.”
I’d go wherever I was told. I knew I didn’t have a choice. I hadn’t this far, so what was the point? Either with my aunt, who may or may not even want me, or to another foster home where I’d be suffering the same fate I’d already been dealt. Or, I’d take my chance and sneak away in the dead of night.
That third option was still looking pretty nice, and would stay there at the edge of my mind. I’d rather do that, to try to find something that would work for me, than go back to where I had come from. I’d rather die, but that wasn’t something anyone would ever know. Not until they found my body at least.