Chapter 16 Romeo #2
She looks exhausted. Her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, her face is bare of makeup, and there are dark circles under her eyes. She's wearing sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt, and I still think she looks absolutely fucking beautiful.
I didn’t stop to think whether or not her roommate would be here, but I see nothing past Savannah standing in the doorway. “Can I come in?”
"Romeo." Her voice is flat and emotionless. "What are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you. I needed to know you're okay."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine. You look—"
"I look tired because I just flew back from Charleston. What do you want?"
The coldness in her voice stops me. This isn't the Savannah I know. This isn't the girl who looked at me like I was something worth seeing. This is someone else. Alarm flares in my gut.
"Can I come in?" I ask.
"No."
"Savannah, please—"
"No, Romeo. You can't come in. You can't—" She takes a breath, steadying herself. "You can't be here."
"I've been trying to reach you. You didn't respond to any of my calls or texts—"
"My father took my phone."
I feel like I’ve been slapped. "He what?"
"He took my phone. The moment I got home. He said I couldn't be trusted with it." Her mouth twists. "There’s going to be more rules now.”
"Savannah—"
"Do you know what this weekend has been like?
Do you have any idea?" Her voice is rising now, emotion breaking through the coldness.
"I had to sit through dinner with Thad and my parents, planning a wedding I don't want.
I had to smile and nod and pretend everything was fine while they discussed venues and guest lists and—" She stops, her hands shaking.
"And the whole time, all I could think about was you.
About what you did. About what we did. About how you stole my birth control and lied to me and—"
"I know. I know what I did was wrong—" I can hear the desperation edging into my voice. “I’ll make it up to you, Savannah. I’ll prove it to you. I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t the right way to handle it.”
"You're just like Thad. Just like my father.
You all think you know what's best for me, and you're all willing to take away my agency to get what you want.
" Her voice is harder and colder than I’ve ever heard it before, and anger flares in me as I stubbornly refuse to believe that this is how things are now.
"I'm nothing like them—"
"Aren't you?" She stares at me, her eyes tired and misty. "Thad controls me through obligation. My father controls me through money. And you—you control me through obsession. Through this desperate, suffocating need that makes me forget who I am and what I want."
"That's not fair—"
"Fair?" She laughs brokenly. "You want to talk about fair? My father threatened to cut off my funding if I didn't come home. Thad moved the wedding up to the summer. If I don't marry him—if I refuse—I lose everything. My education. My funding. My future."
The words settle over me like ice water. Summer. It’s not far enough. It could never be far enough. I can’t let this happen.
"Then don't marry him.” My voice is a plea. "Come with me. I'll take care of everything—your tuition, your living expenses, everything. You don't need your father's money. You don't need—"
"And then what? I become dependent on you instead? I trade one cage for another?"
"It's not a cage—"
"Yes, it is! Don't you see? Everyone wants to own me. Everyone wants to control me. And I'm so tired, Romeo. I'm so fucking tired of being pulled in different directions by people who claim to love me but really just want to possess me."
I take a step toward her, and she takes a step back.
"Don't," she says.
"Savannah, please. Just listen—"
"No. You listen. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you. I can't—" Her voice breaks. "I can't keep losing pieces of myself every time you touch me."
"You're not losing yourself—"
"Yes, I am! Every time I'm with you, I forget about my responsibilities.
I forget about my degree, my future, everything I'm supposed to want.
And I can't afford to forget anymore. I'm walking a razor's edge here, and one wrong move—one moment of weakness—and I lose everything.
" Tears start to roll down her cheeks, and I want to reach for her, comfort her. I want things I’ve never wanted before, to hold her, to make everything all right for this one person who has completely turned my life upside down.
"Then let me help you—"
"You can't help me! Don't you understand?
You being here, you trying to fix this—it makes everything worse.
My father knows about you. Thad knows about you.
They're watching me now, monitoring everything I do, and if they find out you're still in my life—" She stops, taking a shaky breath.
"If they find out, it's over. The wedding gets moved up immediately.
I get pulled from school. I lose everything. "
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying you need to leave. You need to stay away from me. You need to—" She's sobbing now, her whole body shaking. "You need to let me go."
"No."
"Romeo—"
I shake my head. "No. I'm not letting you go. I can't."
"You have to."
"I won't."
We're standing so close now. Close enough that I can smell her shampoo, see the trails of the tears on her cheeks, feel the heat radiating from her body.
Close enough to kiss her.
I reach out, my hand cupping her face, and she doesn't pull away. Her eyes close, and for a moment—just a moment—I think she's going to let me in. "Please," I whisper. "Please don't do this."
"I have to." Her voice is still so cold, but it’s trembling now. I grasp for that, hold onto it as a sliver of hope.
"You don't. We can figure this out. Together. We can—"
"There is no together, Romeo. There can't be. Not anymore."
But even as she says it, she's leaning into my touch. Her hand comes up to cover mine, and I can feel her trembling.
"You're lying," I say softly. "You don't want this any more than I do."
"What I want doesn't matter—”
I kiss her.
I know I shouldn't. I know it's wrong, that it's exactly what she's asking me not to do. But I can't help it. I need to feel her, need to taste her, to prove that what we have is real.
For a moment, she kisses me back. Her hands fist in my shirt, pulling me closer, and I can feel her desperation matching my own.
Then she shoves me away.
"No." She's breathing hard, her lips swollen from the kiss. "No, you can't—we can't—"
"Savannah—"
"Get out."
"Please—"
"Get out of my life. Get—" Her voice breaks completely. "Just go, Romeo. Please. Just go."
I stare at her, and I can see the conflict in her eyes. The part of her that wants me to stay is warring with the part that knows I have to leave.
"I love you," I whisper. The words feel like they’re being torn from me. I see her eyes widen, and she shakes her head, backing up.
"I know." She's crying harder now. "I know you do. But it's not enough. Not when loving you costs me everything else."
"It doesn't have to—"
"Yes, it does. And I can't—I can't pay that price. Not anymore." She steps back and starts to close the door.
"Savannah, wait—"
"Goodbye, Romeo."
The door closes.
I stand there, staring at the wood, my hand raised to knock again. But I don't. Because somewhere, in the part of my brain that's still capable of rational thought, I know that knocking again will only make things worse. I know that pushing harder will only drive her further away.
I know that I've lost.