Chapter 19 #2
We could’ve caught the bus or the Tube but Amanda’s legs turned to jelly in the pharmacy and I didn’t think they’d carry her to a station, so I hailed a black cab instead and settled her into the back, pale-faced and silent.
I try to check in with Gregory but wind up leaving a message on his voicemail to tell him I’m already on my way home and I was just wondering whether the CPS or John Harrison had called.
I know they haven’t, otherwise I would’ve heard from him, but I really wanted to make sure Amanda and I had the all-clear to go back to the apartment without interruption.
We line the three different brands of pregnancy tests along the breakfast bar.
Fortunately, Amy’s left for the day. I read the boxes as Amanda concentrates on breathing and sipping her water on a stool.
This is alien to me. Some test within hours, some within a day, the pale-blue boxed test takes a week for an accurate result.
‘I assume this means a week from conception, rather than having to hold the pee stick for a week?’ I internally laugh at my own joke but it doesn’t seem to register with Amanda.
She continues to stare into the distance over the rim of her glass, oblivious to the fact her hand is gently cupping her stomach.
‘Are you ready?’ I ask. ‘They seem straightforward. Pee on the stick and wait.’
‘I can’t, Scarlett. I can’t do it. What if I am pregnant? Pops would kill me.’
‘Amanda, if you’re pregnant, your dad won’t kill you. In any event, you’re a grown woman; he really has no say in things.’
She flips her head to look at me. ‘No say in whether I keep it, you mean?’
‘Amanda, that’s not what I said. We don’t even know whether you’re pregnant. Come on.’ I scoop up the three sticks, leaving the confusing boxes and instructions behind, and hold out my hand, guiding her across the lounge to the downstairs bathroom.
I look around the room, remembering the violence that took place in here just over two weeks ago.
The mirror that was broken and used by Pearson to stab Gregory has been replaced.
Everything looks normal. I shake away the thoughts of that night as I close the door behind us.
‘Okay, you need to control your pee; don’t blurt it all out in one go.
You need to trickle and swap these in and out. ’
She sighs, lifts up her dress, pulls her black thong to her knees and sits down on the seat. ‘I’ve got stage fright,’ she says, looking down between her legs as if it might encourage the stream.
‘You’ve taken a pee with me a thousand times; just do it. Here.’ I wave the first test at her, then the second and the third.
‘Done.’ She holds the wet sticks out for me to take.
‘You are joking. There’s no way I’m touching those things. Sharing a bathroom is one thing. Fondling your pee sticks is a whole other level.’
She laughs. It’s a nervous laugh but it’s a laugh nonetheless and I’ll take anything to lighten the tension. She lies the sticks face up on the marble sink and washes her hands.
‘Right. So now we just wait?’ she asks.
‘Yep.’ I lift myself up to sit on the marble unit next to the sticks and Amanda lowers the lid on the toilet seat, then perches herself on top.
All our years of knowing each other and I can’t think of a thing to say. I bounce my foot anxiously and cross and uncross my legs as the seconds tick by.
‘I know you must be wondering,’ Amanda says, staring at the marble floor tiles.
‘I’m not.’ I am.
‘If I am pregnant, I do know who the father is.’ She lifts her head now to look at me.
‘Williams.’
She nods subtly, then looks at her watch. Ten seconds. We both move to stand in front of the tests, staring as the marks appear.
‘What do they mean? Scarlett, what do they mean?’
I stare at the developed lines. All three sticks in agreement. Then I turn to look at my wide-eyed friend.
‘You’re pregnant.’
She steps back and drops down to the lid of the toilet. ‘Holy shit!’
We exhale in unison. Then she speaks again. ‘Holy shit!’ Her eyes lock on a spot on the floor. ‘Holy. Fucking. Shit.’
‘You’re going to have to learn to control your potty mouth.’
She looks up at me and we both laugh but her face contorts and her laughter turns to tears. For the second time today, I find myself grabbing tissues for my best friend.
I hunker down in front of her, bracing myself with my hands on her knees. ‘It’s going to be fine. Really. You’ll be such a fabulous mummy.’
Her shoulders chug on a sob but she pulls back her tissue to reveal the slightest upturn of her lips. ‘You think so?’ She sniffs.
‘Are you kidding? A little red-haired girl in a pretty two-piece and tiny little princess heels, following you around for babyccinos. I know so.’
I wrap my arms around her and pull her into my chest until I feel her lungs return to steady breaths.
‘How about I make us a nice cup of tea?’ Taking the tissues from her hand, I dab away her running mascara.
She nods. ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’
I leave the bathroom smiling. I haven’t only convinced Amanda; I’ve also convinced myself that she can do this. She can be a great mum and Williams will stand by her; he’s a good man.
‘Gregory!’
His face is possibly paler than Amanda’s shocked, already fair, skin.
His grey blazer and tie have been cast over a stool.
His white shirt is unbuttoned so just a few rogue hairs are on display and his sleeves are rolled back up his forearms. The most animated part of him is a wild pair of eyes as he holds up an empty pregnancy-test box.
My head is telling my mouth to speak but no words are forming.
I want to tell him they aren’t mine but there’s a small devil on my shoulder wondering how he’ll react, wondering how he’d feel about forever.
‘What the fuck, Scarlett?’ His voice is a notch below shouting but his fury is obvious.
I have my answer. A million thoughts race through my mind as my mouth opens and closes silently.
He visits children in the paediatrics unit of a local hospital every quarter and he supports the children’s charity, Dreams. I’ve seen him with the children, happy, playful.
His reaction isn’t about children; it’s about him being trapped with me.
‘You told me you were on the pill!’
‘I am on the pill.’
He throws the box on the breakfast bar and thrusts a hand into his hair. ‘You haven’t had a period since we’ve been together.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You haven’t.’
‘Are you accusing me of something, Gregory? Because if you are, you’d better just come right out and fucking say it.’
‘Well, are you on the pill?’
‘You arrogant arsehole. As if I’d try to get myself pregnant.
That’s what you’re accusing me of, isn’t it?
Trying to trap the billionaire! Well, news fucking flash, Gregory, I’m not trying to tie you into something you clearly don’t want.
I don’t love you for your money and the way you’re behaving right now makes me wonder why I love you at all!
’ I bite the inside of my gums and remember that we aren’t here alone.
‘Does the thought of forever with me really terrify you this much?’ My entire body trembles with anger and a shattering pain in my abdomen.
The toilet is flushed and the bathroom lock jiggled: Amanda’s warning. I stare at Gregory, unwilling to be the first to break. But his focus shifts over my shoulder as the bathroom door opens.
‘Amanda.’ His voice is barely audible. I watch the transformation as his jaw unlocks and his hands drop to his hips as he walks to the window.
‘Let’s take a rain check on the tea,’ Amanda says quietly, kissing me on the cheek.
‘Please, Amanda, stay,’ Gregory says, turning from the window, looking much more composed. ‘You don’t have to leave because of me.’
She smiles fleetingly at him and I love her for the effort, especially when his little performance has probably terrified her. ‘I have a few calls to make; I should be going.’
‘Williams won’t react like that, Amanda,’ I whisper, stroking her arm. ‘He won’t.’
She feigns a smile. ‘Thanks, for today, tonight, everything.’ She pulls me into a hug, then leaves.
‘Amanda,’ Gregory calls, grabbing his blazer from the breakfast bar, ‘let me take you home.’
He leaves her little choice, already across the lounge and holding the door open for her.
After showering, I choose a spare room and slip under the covers of the double bed. Despite the early hour, I find myself drifting off to sleep when the door opens and light from the landing creeps into the room.
‘Scarlett?’
I keep my eyes closed, being careful not to over-squeeze them and make it obvious that I’m awake.
The bed dips as his weight rests down on the opposite side to mine.
I feel him move close to me, checking whether I’m asleep.
Satisfied, he pulls the duvet higher up my arm and presses his lips to my temple.
As he lingers against my skin, I breathe in his familiar scent.
He sits up but doesn’t leave the bed.
‘I’m screwing this up more than I could’ve even imagined.
I’m not afraid of forever. I’m afraid of doing to you what I’ve done to everyone I’ve ever really cared about.
Hurting you. Failing to protect you, like I already have.
’ He sighs. ‘A baby just like you would be incredible. Your perfect nose, those soft, red lips, your sparkling, green eyes, so bright and full of life. A little girl with your mind, even your sassy attitude. But you don’t want that with me, Scarlett.
Not really. Another little person for me to mess up.
You were right on Saturday. I just need to make you see that. ’
He leans in and presses his lips to my temple again.
‘Aurora,’ he whispers before his weight lifts from the mattress.
‘Gregory.’
‘Yes, baby?’
I speak without moving to face him. ‘I don’t know how much more I can take. You pick me up, take me higher than I’ve ever felt. Then you break my heart, you break me and I just don’t know if I can keep crawling back to my feet.’
‘I know.’ He sighs. ‘I’m going to stop hurting you. I promise.’
‘Gregory, if the CPS decides to charge you, I’m telling the truth.’
If we break, the last thing I’ll do is make sure you’re free. The thought kills me but it’s a real possibility and I need to start recognising it.
The truth can set him free, finally.